When It Rains, It Pours

Just because my friend is blonde and never closes her mouth fully... hey, I wasn't talking to her. I was talking to you, glasses.

...Infected penis.

You are... like a pretty refugee on the news.

So can I finally wear that cowboy hat I bought at Kiss-FM's lake jam '97?

I want your feet in my mouth. When it rains, it pours.

Hello, 'Javery.' Time-saver.

Like God, I created man. We're having a boy.

Every woman my boy dates will get compared to me, and they will be found wanting.

This is just what I need... To store my rock collection.

50 is the new 40... For men. But 50 is still 60 for women.

Whatevs, Tony Randall. / Whatevs, indeed, because that makes you Jack Klugman.

Damn! I'm a writer. I'm messy. I'm a loveable curmudgeon. That is solid! Advantage, Donaghy.

It was supposed to say 'peace,' but they wrote 'white hooker' instead.

I'm 'werewolfing' myself.

I've missed the birth of both of my sons for very legitimate reasons. Cooking a French-bread pizza and forgot.

And my mood ring! And I don't know how I feel about that.

There's something about you lately, make me want to put my feet in your mouth.

Who do they think they are... mommy and her sisters?

I'll go down there, turn on the new Liz Lemon charm, a little Julia Roberts laugh... Ha ha ha! / What's in your teeth? / Corn.

Will I ever experience the father-son bonding of realizing you were both at the same masked orgy in a castle?

And stand outside in a crowd like some Italian?

I don't get why people like brunch. What's the benefit of combining break dancing and lunch?

Good morning. Now, full disclosure... most of my experience is putting babies in women.

The Donaghys originally come from Ireland's little known county Steve, where, historically, we were whiskey testers and goblins.

I was raised in Sadchester, Massachusetts, I won the amory blaine handsomeness scholarship to Princeton and then attended Harvard business school where I was voted 'most.'

I once hit a stand-up triple off Fidel Castro.

I was the first person ever to say, 'I need a vacation from this vacation.'

The song you're so vain was, in fact, written by me.

You are hiking in the Japanese highlands. A pair of snow leopards is stalking you, and the blade of your katana is frosted into its scabbard.

Better... civil war reenactor. Kind of an expert at getting shot by, uh, smooth-bore firearms, you know? Like... kah, kah! Kah, kah, kah, kow! Blah, hah! Gah! Kaw! Kah! Kaw, kaw! Ah, death to Lincoln!

It's like I always say... 'white cab drivers are weird.'

Despite having gone to middle school in an exxon station?

It's very authentic. So don't play it around your black friends.

If you wanted to cheat on Carol with an Italian dude who smells like cigarettes, I've made it very clear I would flip over my futon for you.

A Kiss-FM DJ once called a 'sweet lid'?

I had to be at work this morning at 11:00.

You know, neighbors who wear my exact size don't die every day!

Because 'centipeding' means having sex with 100 women.

Fyi, they're very difficult to keep in a home aquarium.

Do not hire sting to play the reception. He'll insist on doing jazz versions of police songs, and it's just... Demoralizing.

His death must appear to be accidental.

The secret to a strong, healthy head of hair is dove...Blood.

Remember, the backflip is 90% confidence.

Just like the time I was cleaning my closet, and my mom and her friend Ron came in to take one of their grunting naps on my bed...

Just like the time I was cleaning my closet, and my mom and her friend Ron came in to take one of their grunting naps on my bed...

We don't need you. So move on with your life, starting now. / That is called tough love.

Kenneth is now on a journey that will either return him here where he belongs or end... In his death.

Juggling is easier than it looks.

Thank you, Brian. Slut.

Ritchie Tamuto, islanders fan and role-playing slave owner.

His name is Carol. / That sounds really fake.

Oh, 'reallo'? I meant to say 'really.' I misspoke. Continue.

I started doing fantasy hockey camp and civil war re-creationism to meet girls. But I don't know where they are.

I've been sitting close enough to touch her... But a million miles away.

Drugs during childbirth? Isn't the whole point feeling God punish you?

I know, 'cause I'm a descendant of Thomas Jefferson and lazy Susan herself!

I know that, because if I go back there, I'll be executed.

'And the tree was happy.' Shel silverstein was a communist.

I got to go feed the meter.

How many guys have a fully loaded Toyota tercel or a real pinball machine?

How many guys have been to Canada... Twice?

Are you doing this to me because I don't share your love of unicorns?

I guess some other woman will get to enjoy that water bed that you're saving up for.

Why's that baby covered with goop? / 'Cause everything about this is disgusting.

Find a woman named Elizabeth Lemon, get her advice, and then do the opposite.

Your ability to hide your true feelings is part of your great strength.

You want to make God laugh? Make a plan... Or read him a Dave Barry book.

There's no baby in here. / Good God! / Oh, she's in the crib. / Good.

That Russian skank read the ultrasound wrong.

I hate to say I told you so... So welcome to Miami.

I hate to say I told you so... So welcome to Miami.

If you have the blondness and self-esteem of your mother, you will need no advice. Life will be easy for you.

If you're running low on laundry, a bathing suit makes perfectly acceptable underwear.

Put potato chips on a sandwich!