The Return Of Avery Jessup

I'm sorry I taste like Korean cigarettes. Tobacco's the only thing with protein over there. Their meat is just deflated kickballs.

America's credit rating was downgraded to triple fart-minus

Scott Scottsman

My ears are all plugged up from the plane. Am I talking too loud?

And it's me, Johnny Mountain, with the weather on the one and the traffic on the one. You no ask how I do it.

And I'm Scott Scottsman... Reminding all of you there is no weekend.

Or the plant. It's your body.

Right. Well, if I did ever have a... plant with you or whatever... I mean, at my age, we might have to get an Asian plant or accept an older plant with some behavioral issues, and we're a little afraid of it...

I mean, that plant's not coming out of your butt, pal, it's coming out of mine.

The walls are filled with electrocuted mice.

Well, I could dip into my 401K... Is something I've heard old people say in commercials.

If you take my profits from the hot dog truck and add 'em to the $300 my aunt gave me for Christmas, I'd have $200.

Boy, I sound just like my dad. Which, I guess, makes me Mrs. Lemon. Seriously, though, I gotta get to work. I gotta get to yoga and lunch with the girls.

I don't know. There was a lot of Fanta there, and the police, so maybe they co-sponsored it?

Ms. Maroney, a wedding is a simple and beautiful ceremony where an old man and a crying girl get pushed into the coupling shed.

I know the Southern Tourism Bureau. They pay me a yearly stipend to stay in New York.

Which is great 'cause our wedding was gonna be slavery-themed anyway.

Of course I am. I have a natural Southern accent, 'cause I'm from le flori-dah pahn-hahndle.

Before moving here, I done used to talk-n-jaw like this, see? And when I'm at work, I use my white-people voice. You should see how we talk in the Bronx. Raar blarg shmoo-boo wagga!

I heard her ask her bear who the dye job is.

There is an iPod 3 and a Mitt Romney 4. They worked all the bugs out. He's not killing hobos at night any more.

And tomorrow, I am going to throw you a Thanks-Christmas-Valen-Easter-Ween of July party.

I didn't wear your nightgowns. If they seem stretched out, it's because you're remembering wrong.

I've been writing a sex column for Cosmo. Cosmo is my 14-year-old neighbor. He doesn't know anything.

Sex, money, power, fire, choking, being dragged behind a speed boat... It's all the same thing.

And I try to get him pregnant.

And the best part is, if I want to treat myself to a new pair of Christy LaButtons, I don't have to ask any man for $17.

I got tired of ruining $1,200 shoes trying to impregnate my boyfriend.

Feminism promised us two things... Fatter dolls, and an end to traditional gender roles.

You wear the pants, Liz. You don't necessarily pull them off because of your hips, but you wear them.

Am I supposed to just scratch the surface of Channing Tatum's meteoric rise?

She's still furious with Al Gore for stealing George Bush's idea to have an Internet.

I have so many missile! I even have nuclear missile. Just for you, sugarprong.

You French-Canadian kissed her mother, which is my name for French kissing when it bums everybody else out.

Playing psycho-sexual mind games is our normal, Lemon. This is perfect. Everything's perfect.

Dadgum possum up and what been bit my mother's neck brace.

This isn't Southern elegance. This is a dirtbag girl I once knew. A girl named Jay-nuh! She used to get into fistfights at water parks, and lost her virginity to a bait salesman on a water bed.

Kim Jong-Il could not be reached for comment because he was having a totally normal day being alive and not dead.

Our brilliant comrade scored 200 points and then went hot-tubbing with a couple guys he's definitely just friends with.

You lose, Jack... Is what Kim Jong-Il said to Jack Nicklaus after defeating him in golf today because they're both totally alive.

Here's a hint. I like zippers.

I'm a man. I'm a man, I'm a man! I'm an adult man! You think I like you having to pay for everything? It's humiliating.

You think I like having to earn Crisspoints so that I can take you on dates that you actually pay for?

Only because liking the Crisspoints system is one of the ways I earn Crisspoints!

It is a van with a car engine, Liz, okay?

Because you're the person who has to krang that plant for nine months, poop it, and then go back to work to support both of you!

And he has a watch, and an office with a trash can and a little basketball hoop on it.

And yet you're silent about Grant.

And he plays as hard as he works because, damn it, he deserves to blow off a little steam.

Are you crying because there are no roles for actresses in their 40s, nor should there be?

50? That's nothing. I once did 100 takes and still couldn't say the word 'incorrigible.'

Great, now I get it! Siri, bring Jessica Tandy back to life.

Jessica Tandy's zombie is coming to find you. Is that correct? Yes, Siri. Thank you, baby.

She has the brain of a man, and the ass of a French teenager.

Lloyd Blankfein slithers back into the sewers to eat rotten fish at 6:00

♪Deathly hallows and Tebow ♪ ♪ Oprah does her last show ♪ ♪ Beyoncé had a baby, yo ♪ ♪ It's a 12-month wrap-up, rap-rap-rap-up ♪

Also, FOX News is right across the street, and word is Greta Van Susteren eats hot dogs like Slimer.

As a Sesame Street purist, I don't think Elmo usually tells passing women that they have a sweet dumper.

Legally, I have to say I'm Elmarg!

Them puppets done picked the wrong day to cross my kin! It's on, panhandle style!

My outside is shiny and pretty, but my inside is filled with cardboard and horse glue.

Tonight, I'm Mayor Booo-mberg.

The woman I kissed is your mother.

I had an erotic dream about an adult Dora the explorer. I took her on a balcony in Madrid, above the Plaza Mayor. She had flowers in her hair.

I had an erotic dream about an adult Dora the Explorer. I took her on a balcony in Madrid, above the Plaza Mayor. She had flowers in her hair.

I thought I was playing you, and you were playing me the whole time. And in 24 hours, I got you to tell me things it would have taken you years to admit.

♪ J-Lo and Marc Anthony ♪ ♪ Donn and Vicki from O.C. ♪ ♪ 12-month wrap-up, rap-rap-rap-up ♪

Johnny Choon, Dolce and Banana, Merolo Blornig, Prader, Gukki, DKNI, Alexandorp McKing, Diana Von Fistenbug

Running from your parole officer, attending a theater opening, breaking into your mom's house to steal her cable box.