Stride Of Pride

All right, Lemon, you got me. Yes, this is the same flashy night tie I was wearing when I left work yesterday. My hair is a disaster. I am indeed on a walk of shame.

You slut!

That woman was Pizzarina Sbarro, the heiress to the Sbarro Slice and Calzone Fortune.

Come on. Walk of shame? I say call it a stride of pride and walk with your arms up, like this.

I stayed up all night helping Bradley finish the Joseph coat. Just hearing that story tells me that Bradley was gay. Only sexually.

Liz Lemon has had a little awakening in her bathing suit area.

Lemon, I've seen your bathing suits. That could be anywhere.

Sex and the City Girls' brunches, where you talk about dirty stuff and make a lot of puns, like, 'and I thought I was eating eggs.'

she's one of a diverse group of women I'm currently seeing. Group? Back to judgmental.

It's not fair to the ladies, just because I'm the, uh, complete package. You are a complete package.

I got the idea watching The Great Escape on TCM one night, how that ragtag bunch of heroes worked together to be greater than the sum of their parts. Bronson was the brawn, Attenborough was the brains, garner was the scrounger, McQueen was the hottie with the body. I'll say it.

Who would like to join me for brunch? My treat. We could throw back some cosmos, talk about our climaxes...

If you heard my sex stories, you would lose your mind!

Zarina is the society girl I take to black-tie events, when I want to talk politics I call Anne, Tabitha knows how to work my DVR, and Mindy is my, uh, sex idiot.

Sorry, Liz. I'm not even sure they serve brunch after... The '90s.

Jenna Maroney, looking great at... 56? Blarf!

And if they did come to blows, it would be, uh... Intensely erotic. Like, uh, Steve McQueen on a motorcycle. Trying to jump that fence into Switzerland, but it's too high. He had a leather jacket.

God, no... I have children!

Pete, you go down to the newsstand. Buy every copy, and burn them. Cerie, get out of here. Just go home for the day.

I agree @therealstephenhawking. Women are not funny. Never have been. Never will be. Nerd rage!

Honestly, I never realized she was trying to be funny. I guess I just thought she was a wig model.

You wouldn't ask an Asian person to give you a list of good Asian drivers. Gary Tang, Ziang Chu, Roy Chung... Stop it. I was done anyway.

Welcome to the flower shop...

Football. Motorcycles. Steak restaurants. Really dark superhero movies. These are things that suck.

See? That's the kind of hilarious button chicks can't come up with.

Mmm, my lips are so dry. I better wet them with this mop.

Oh, no. Now my undershirt is wet with mop juice.

You be the janitor, and I'll be the piece of gum on the floor that you just can't chisel off. Sure is hot in here. Maybe I should roll up my pants. Oh, yeah. Show me that part of your shins that's hairless from your synthetic socks.

Uh, this is Mindy. Mindy, Zarina. Pleasure. Yeah. Oh, shiny.

And like a silver-backed gorilla or Mitt Romney's grandfather, I require more than one woman to...

The woman appears to have no hip joints.

Another old guy wanted to buy my shirt. Old guys are so funny.

Ryan is my sex idiot.

I suggested that we wear sleep masks. I hit my nose pretty hard on the bedside table, but...

It's a monkey, and his name is Professor Wigglebottom.

So no women are funny, but you want me to put a monkey on the show.

Name one funny monkey. Bonzo, Clyde, the bear... No! I refuse to answer this question with a list.

My generation calls it pokemoning. Gotta catch 'em all.

The plural of Pokemon is 'Pokemon.'

Mindy... Mindy... No, Ryan Lochte! Look at me... focus.

Teens gone wild: Is Jenna Maroney partying too hard? Be careful, you don't want to turn out like Amanda Byne-us. Did I do it right?

I watch Castle, and my purse is filled with sweet'n lows.

If I find out that someone around here planted this disgusting story that I'm young, I'm gonna do to them what I did to my own ribs... Take them out.

To escape the curse of the middle-aged actress. Instead of losing a push-up contest to Julie Bowen to see who gets to play Kevin James's mean wife who he's sick of having sex with, I'm gonna skip ahead to being an amazing slut who wins Oscars.

I mean, how hot is Helen Mirren? Super-hot. I mean, have you seen that picture of her in a bikini? She looks amazing for... Exactly... 'For.' She looks amazing for a 67-year-old. She's actually not that hot. She's got a gut and British legs.

I'm scared, but it tickles.

I know Geri-Chair. They're the company that makes my bed steps.

When Jack Welch called you Rick. And I was fine with that too. I mean, he and I had met only, like, a million times, so why should he remember me.

There are no bad ideas, Lemon, only great ideas that go horribly wrong.

I once saw a monkey in a cowboy outfit. I would love to see the town he's the sheriff of.

We did it in the shower. My shoes got ruined. I said no!

See how he's wearing clothes? And he's got a suitcase like he's going on a business trip. Why's he being so professional?

He could play a young Steven Tyler. He looks like me if I were fancy.

Male nipples, funny. Monkey nipples, funny. Female nipples, useless!

Why didn't she write, 'thinking of you, Jackie-bear?' She could have written this... to anyone.

Jenna and I are re-mounting our award-winning 1996 two-woman show.

This woman is pokemoning me. She's blind-copied you, but if you just click this plus sign...

kentremendous@fremulon.biz... Ugh. totalpackage58... Wait, that's me.

Well, that was Gerald Chair, the inventor of the Geri-Chair. They're leaning towards Jamie Lee Curtis. She already beat me out for Activia, and cold flash menopause popsicles.

Today's the day when I'm gonna do my first favor ever.

Are you thinking, or doing kegels?

I look forward to discovering exactly what each of you has to offer Zarina that I do not.

No, I'm pretty sure we're in love.

Heavenly father. You must be Ken tremendous.

We've covered all the classic boyfriend archetypes. Except the father figure. Where is that guy, am I right? The one who falls asleep at the opera, and doesn't notice that she's texting her real boyfriend from his bed. Where's that sucker?

Oh, no... Is it me?

Doctor, I'm unhappy with me widdle body. Can you help me?

Well, of course. Toddler plastic surgery is an exciting new field. We can take you down an entire diaper size.

'Tank' you, doctor. Don't thank me, thank Roe V. Wade.

That was actually funny, Liz. So why do TGS suck so much?

When you were, like, 'come in, I'm a doctor,' and you had on that lab coat, like a doctor. A lady doctor... Oh my God, that is hilarious!

And Jenna, you as that sad old prostitute trying to look young... Commentary!

There's nothing older than trying to be young. And you looked like a million years up there. Congratulations. You are Geri-Chair's new spokes-crone!

Sometimes, I like to come up here at night and flash my breasts at the empire state building.

Is that the only building that you flash? Or do you also flash the Time Warner center to make the Empire State Building feel like an old fool.

I mean, inside, I still feel like a sex idiot. But I have to accept the fact that I'm fake 56 now, and I'm more of a Diane Lane ageless beauty.

Do you really want this girl asking you to go hear her friend DJ in Brooklyn? No, that sounds exhausting. Do you want to drive five hours to go rock climbing with her, and be expected to have sex after? I do not. I mean, my back.

You get to say racist stuff whenever you want, and people bring you soup.

I do like soup.

Or can we agree that we're all just monkeys with suitcases trying to seem like people?

Wait... You're a female? How you doin', girl?

Phyllis Diller, Joan Rivers, Gilda Radner, Lucille ball, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Carol Burnett, Lily Tomlin. Yes, thank you, Tracy. Those are all very funny women. Funny women? Those are the names of my fingers.

Irma Bombeck, Tig Notaro... Is my impression of a Chinese person.

Ellen DeGeneres, Mo'nique, and Roseanne Barr. Now that's some funny women. All of whom have screamed at me because they were on their period.