Advanced Criminal Law

Dean Pelton:How is student life treating you, Jeff?

Jeff:It's fine. You know, I'm just here temporarily until I get my degree and can move on with my life. I'm not really invested in the whole college experience thing.

Jeff Winger:What can I say? I'm really embracing the whole student life thing.

Dean Pelton:Yes, I've noticed. You've really thrown yourself into it. Mostly into yourself, but into it nonetheless.

Dean Pelton:So tell me about this girl in your class. What's she like?

Jeff Winger:She's smart, funny, has this whole indie aesthetic going on. Dark hair, vintage glasses, probably listens to bands you've never heard of.

Dean Pelton:Sounds lovely! What's her name?

Jeff Winger:Britta.

Jeff:You're like a hyena that learned to speak English and immediately started complaining about the weather.

Dean Pelton:Okay Jeff, I've been studying. Name a TV show.

Jeff:The Office.

Dean Pelton:British or American?

Jeff:American.

Dean Pelton:Ugh, amateur hour. The British version is clearly superior.

Jeff:Okay, fine. Fawlty Towers.

Dean Pelton:I... that's... well played, Winger. Well played.

Jeff:Oh yeah, I'm sure Luis Guzman's gonna be thrilled to come visit his own statue. He'll probably clear his whole schedule.

Jeff:Luis Guzman could be anyone's dad.

Troy:Really? I always thought he looked like Luis Guzman.

Jeff:He's Luis Guzman. He knows about everyone. He probably knows about you right now. He's watching. He's always watching.

Jeff:Luis Guzmán just called me.

Troy:Oh yeah? Well, I'm dating Beyoncé.

Annie:Well, I may have given him a fake number, but I wrote down the wrong fake number, so now some innocent woman in Denver is getting calls from a very confused man who thinks he met me at the Greendale coffee cart, and she's started calling back asking who I am, so now I have to block her, but she keeps using different numbers, and I'm pretty sure she's hired a private investigator because yesterday someone showed up at my dorm asking about my whereabouts on the night of the Greendale mixer, and I almost got arrested for identity fraud, which technically isn't fraud because I didn't steal her identity, I just... accidentally ruined her life.

Annie:So I gave him a fake number, right? And apparently he showed up at the police station asking for me by name. They had to call my parents. My mom cried for like an hour.

Annie:The worst part? He got arrested for something completely unrelated while he was there.

Jeff:Britta, I appreciate the offer, but I'm going to have to pass on the friendship-only thing. I didn't go to law school to have terms and conditions.

Chang:Star-Burns.

Star-Burns:It's Alex. My name is Alex.

Chang:You! With the Asian name!

Chang:And you! With the Hispanic name!

Chang:This is a safe space, people. A safe space where I can just call you out however I want.

Chang:I know what you're thinking. 'Chang cheated? How surprising. An Asian guy who's good at math.'

Chang:Well, joke's on you. I'm not even that good at math. I'm just playing into your stereotypes because it's easier.

Chang:You think you can cheat in my class? I will find you. And when I do, it will be like the Karate Kid. Wax on, wax off, cero.

Jeff:Chang, you're like Stalin. Except Stalin's been dead for 60 years, so he's actually less of a dictator in our daily lives.

Shirley:I find that offensive! My name is Shirley, not Sheryl. There's a big difference!

Jeff:Look, there's a difference between cheating and cheating. If you're with someone and you're physically intimate with another person, that's cheating. But if you're just emotionally connected to someone else while you're in a relationship, that's not cheating, that's just being human.

Annie:I was just trying to help!

Britta:Well, nobody asked you to!

Annie:I was being considerate!

Britta:You were being condescending!

Pierce:You know what? Back in my day, we didn't have 'considerate.' We had common sense. And a lot more black people in prison.

Annie:Why didn't you use Pierce for the school song?

Pierce:Oh, that's real nice. Real nice. You know what? You're being a real Metamucil.

Abed:Troy said he once arm-wrestled a NASA astronaut and won. He also mentioned he invented a dance move that was almost adopted by the military for recruitment purposes. Oh, and he's pretty sure he's distantly related to Levar Burton.

Shirley:Wait, you're telling me Troy lied to us?

Abed:Yeah, he's been lying this whole time.

Shirley:Oh my God! That's terrible! I can't believe Troy would do that to us! We trusted him! We believed in him! And now... now I feel like such a fool!

Shirley:You know what? I'm gonna go home and... I'm gonna beat my children.

Troy:Have you been messed with before?

Abed:I'm trying to understand the concept of joking. You're asking if I've experienced mockery, but phrasing it as a physical violation to create cognitive dissonance, which is the basis of humor. The answer is yes, but I'm not sure if acknowledging that you're trying to make me uncomfortable defeats the purpose.

Abed:Okay, I'm going to try something. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. That's funny because... chickens are birds, and the road is a barrier, so the juxtaposition of a bird crossing a human construct is inherently absurd.

Abed:I don't think I'm doing this right.

Chang:Come on, people. Turn on Britta. She's the worst.

Student 1:Yeah, Britta's a poop-face!

Student 2:Total poop-face!

Britta:Seriously? We're better than this.

Chang:No, no. Let it out. She's a poop-face.

Jeff:I used to be the one doing people favors. Now I'm the one owing favors. It's like I've become the charity case in our relationship.

Britta:That's not true.

Jeff:Oh really? Name one time recently where you did something nice for me without expecting something in return.

Britta:I... well, I'm always here for you emotionally.

Jeff:That's not a favor, Britta. That's just you practicing your amateur psychology on me.

Dean Pelton:The disciplinary committee will convene to discuss the alleged infraction. We take these matters very seriously at Greendale Community College — a prestigious institution of higher learning.

Dean Pelton:The tribunal will be held in the east wing study lounge. We had to rent it out, of course. Do you know how much pool furniture costs? Twelve thousand dollars.

Jeff:I'll represent you. By Greendale standards, I'm basically Atticus Finch.

Britta:You're only doing this because you want to look good.

Jeff:I'm not sure I'm following your logic, and I feel like that's a personal attack. However, if we're to examine the facts, yes, I look tremendous.

Abed:Troy, I need to tell you something. I'm actually a sophisticated android sent from the future to monitor your behavior.

Troy:What? No you're not.

Abed:Yes I am. Also, I've been replacing your deodorant with a government tracking device, and your shoes are sentient.

Troy:Abed, that was the worst prank attempt I've ever seen. First of all, you didn't even commit to the bit—you broke character halfway through. Second, your timing was off by like three seconds, which completely killed the misdirection. Third, and I hate to say this, but your face during the setup was way too obvious. Like, your eyebrows were doing that thing where they go up and you look like you're about to sneeze. It's very hard to take seriously.

Dean Pelton:I pride myself on my impartiality. I don't play favorites with any of my students.

Dean Pelton:I treat them all equally, whether they're coming or going.

Dean Pelton:I mean—arriving or departing. From Greendale.

Chang:I was in the bathroom, examining my skin condition under the fluorescent lighting, which really brings out the psoriasis, when I noticed the cheat sheet taped to the inside of the toilet tank lid. I was there for quite some time. I have IBS. Also, I've been seeing someone, but it's not serious, though she did say some hurtful things about my body that I'm still processing...

Pierce:I've been working on this song, and let me tell you, the lyrics are really coming together. I'm talking verses, chorus, the whole thing.

Pierce:It's like... it's like taking a box of frozen fish sticks and teaching them to tap dance while riding a motorcycle through a car wash made of cheese.

Annie:Pierce, this doesn't even look like sheet music. It looks like a Chinese takeout menu.

Pierce:Well, maybe I'm composing in a language you don't understand.

Annie:Your Chinese menu comment was racist.

Pierce:Racist? That's not racist, that's observational comedy. I'm a musical genius!

Annie:Pierce, you can't just say offensive things and call it comedy.

Pierce:The fact that you're upset proves I'm doing something right. That's what geniuses do—they challenge people.

Pierce:Annie, you need to leave this study group. I'm going to explain why in the form of an interpretive dance piece that questions the very nature of your existence and features me as a sentient pile of bones representing the death of your dreams.

Chang:During 'tampon time,' she becomes a dangerous predator.

Chang:You know what they say about tampons? They're a lot like our military strategy in the Middle East - they're supposed to absorb the mess but they just make things worse.

Jeff:I'm not going to acknowledge that.

Chang:You know what? I'm tired of your British interruptions, Duncan. Your teeth look like a British graveyard – all crooked, all dead, and nobody's visited in centuries!

Chang:Your teeth look like a broken picket fence in a trailer park.

Duncan:Well, at least I have teeth. And yes, I know they're not perfect, but they're mine and they work.

Jeff:Your Honor, we need to talk about what happened on September 11th.

Judge:Objection!

Jeff:My client was betrayed. Thousands of innocent people were hurt. And yes, I'm talking about when Chad cheated on his girlfriend.

Dean Pelton:Is everyone okay? Wait, never mind. Is the table okay?

Abed:I'm observing human mating rituals. *makes clicking sounds* The male displays his plumage while the female assesses his resource accumulation capacity. *more clicking* Fascinating. We must document this for the Zorgon Council.

Chang:You want a piece of this? I'm gonna take you to Flavortown!

Duncan:That's... not threatening at all.

Chang:Oh yeah? Well, prepare to get served! And I don't mean food, homes!

Duncan:You know, I've always found the aquatic center to be a rather elegant venue for conflict resolution.

Jeff:Britta, I'm being completely honest with you. Look at me. Do I look like someone who would lie?

Britta:Jeff, you're incredibly handsome. That's literally the easiest thing to lie about.

Jeff:Look, I have a great defense strategy. It's simple, really.

Jeff:We pin the whole thing on Britta.

Jeff:Look, I'm just being honest. This school is a joke. We have a dean who dresses like he raided a costume shop, a biology teacher who's clearly making it up as he goes, and a library that's basically a front for whatever the hell else is happening in this place.

Jeff:The curriculum is a disaster, half our classes don't even have real textbooks, and I'm pretty sure our accreditation is held together by duct tape and whatever favors the dean owes to people in dark suits.

Jeff:Greendale Community College isn't an institution of higher learning — it's a tax write-off with a cafeteria.

Jeff:This tribunal is ridiculous. You've got a swimming pool right next to all this electrical equipment. Do you want someone to die? Because this is how you get someone to die.

Leonard:That's not a defense, that's just you being lazy.

Jeff:Oh, I'm lazy? Leonard, you're wearing a Speedo to the community pool.

Leonard:It's efficient.

Jeff:It's a cry for help.

Jeff:Look, I'm not saying we should accept crazy people. I'm saying that Greendale already has. We're not the bottom of the barrel for education—we're the barrel itself.

Duncan:Britta, I really think you should see a therapist. How about Tuesdays and Thursdays from 2 to 4 PM? Those are the only times that work for me... I mean, for your schedule.

Troy:This fake version is worse than the real thing would be.

Pierce:I'm a fraud. I've never actually listened to Billy Joel.

Pierce:I just nod along whenever someone mentions 'Uptown Girl' like I know what they're talking about.

Pierce:This is my original jingle that I wrote myself.

Jeff:Pierce, that's the Meow Mix jingle.

Pierce:No it's not.

Britta:It's literally the Meow Mix jingle.

Pierce:Well I wrote better lyrics for it.

Annie:You know what, Pierce? You can do this. You're stronger than you think.

Annie:My mother always said, 'Annie, you're not the prettiest, you're not the smartest, and honestly, you're kind of a mess. But you're persistent, and that's something.'

Annie:So that's what I'm telling you. You're going to be fine.

Annie:My mother always said, 'Annie, be a cheerleader.'

Annie:So I did. I was a cheerleader at my old school.

Annie:You know what that taught me? That the football team doesn't respect you. They don't even know your name.

Annie:And the other cheerleaders? They're just as competitive and backstabbing as you'd think.

Annie:Plus, my uniform was a size too small because apparently that's 'motivating' for the crowd.

Annie:And one time, I got dropped during a pyramid. DROPPED. During homecoming.

Annie:In front of my parents. Who were eating nachos and didn't even notice because they were arguing about my dad's fantasy football league.

Jeff:That's... that's a beautiful song, Pierce.

Duncan:Yes, quite moving. Very original.

Jeff:Completely original. No one has ever written anything like that before.

Duncan:Not a single person in the history of music.

Jeff:We should probably just let him think that.

Duncan:Agreed. For his own good.

Annie:Pierce plagiarized that song! It's identical to the original!

Jeff:So... what happens now? Does he get sued or something?

Annie:I mean, probably? That's usually how plagiarism works.

Jeff:Probably. Great. Good to know.