Shirley Bennett

Shirley's jukebox threat: 'they get the back of they head grabbed and their face pushed through jukeboxes'

¡Vamos! No uses esa palabra frente a Abed.

Can you believe it? / Not really. But you do, so that's fine.

[high-pitched sneeze] / oh, god bless you, dear. [laughter] / what's so funny?

They're not as understanding as christians. You can get your head cut off with a salami sword.

because i wasted 15 years of my life on a man Who left me with nothing but stretch marks And a foggy memory of two bland orgasms.

Bet that doesn't happen to you a lot. / happened yesterday.

[clamorous sneeze] / god--god bless you. god bless you.

Don't go too fast for these dogs. Short legs.

I know a lot of grown men with radar dishes coming out of their ear.

It's perpetually moist.

Two cute white people, going to school together, just seems right.

Did you see that hacky sack wears an anklet?

My kids have got hamsters with bigger nips.

Oh, jeff. I have a gossip problem. I stir the pot, jeff. I'm a pot stirrer.

They call me 'tattle-ina.' It's a bumblebee nickname. It's--it's cute, but it stings.

What are we gonna talk about? My kids? Your--your doctor career?

Britta told me she had a sex dream about you.

did you hear him call me jackee like i'm some black female caricature?

abed, have you been racist this whole time while i'm telling everybody at church what a sweet little caramel angel you are?

maybe he didn't see you / he saw me! / maybe he had his blinker on too / maybe

i was just trying to throw you a bone because i like you / oh. you can keep that bone

that is the ladies' room, britta, a place where ladies go to share, listen, support each other and... discreetly eliminate waste

to be with professor short skirt? We hate her.

We should go find that bitch's car And snap off her antenna.

i'm putting this hose in her desk, And you going outside to turn the water on.

love is a gamble always. but waiting won't change the dice. you either roll them or you lose your turn.

shake 'em in your mind, okay?

kind of hoping for a michael richards situation.

That boy's a soothsayer

He's a witch! Get him!

I also know you have thinly veiled rage issues / Careful, boy

You middle-eastern magic eight ball

Is that me being chased down by a werewolf? / Yeah. And that's how you'd behave in that situation, no?

You're a fool

They kissed. You do have powers. I'm gonna die by werewolf

try to join the rest of us in reality, britta.

Seven different women agreed to marry that guy.

you're like a unicorn

harvey keitel's?

thar she blows

yes. / no.

I'm proud of you for handling it peacefully, jeff, Like a certain little birthday boy.

Well, you don't get to. You're not my mom. - You're right. But if you show up for the fight, Don't show up for my party.

I'm guessing as a woman I won't be allowed to eat that. That's too bad.

Oh, look, britta brought what she believes in... Nothing.

Coming from an atheist.

Jewie?

Tell it to the birthday cake you never got.

The cranberry sauce has real cranberries.

jeffrey... Kick his ass!

Your friend gary is so boring. - He was raised in finland. He doesn't get our humor.

He grew up in a land without sun!

Oh, the last thing I said to him was 'suck it.'

I don't think it's like that. No, it's just like that. I feel if you need to explain it, It's not just like that.

Chasing after you made him a better person Because you always called him on his stuff. All this time, you've been warming him up And stirring in sweetener and making him just right. And, sure, you weren't ready to take a sip yet, But that didn't mean you want somebody To snatch him off the counter And guzzle him down right in front of you.

Can... Can I just ask As a divorced black housewife-- What part of being a single white slacker Makes you people so jaded?

I cannot believe I got to say that. It's the little things, isn't it?

Usually when a movie's bad, I stop watching, but this sounds college-y.

You gonna be waiting a long-ass time.

Sounds like a Thanksgiving at my house.

Will it get me through this movie?

I'll mark you as spam.

First of all, I don't talk like that, and second of all, where I'm from, it's perfectly normal for women to talk about their male friends' backsides.

It destroys the true meaning of valentine's day: The birth of saint valentines.

You look about ready to marry courtney love.

That's the reverse of my zinger from before.

Oh, did you pick a special outfit... So you can look sexy shooting pool?

Strictly speaking, troy, The bible condemns this level of friendship.

Unless it's a boy- -then we have to find him for jesus.

My sister likes to joke that they don't recognize me anymore, and I like to joke that she's just jealous because she's barren.

I'll give Jeff a shoulder to cry on, and you boys go put a dead bird in that bitch's glove compartment.

Orange alert! Sorry, they're just excited.

And that's Elijah, like the prophet, and Jordan, like the 14 time NBA all-star.

Is that how you say hello? That's my name. Oh! I'm sorry. You're like a black ghost.

They're like Islamic turtlenecks.

I caught the tail end of what cinemax gets up to at night. Subscription canceled. I got that channel for eddie murphy movies, Not stimulation.

I was going to take a class on how to put together an online dating profile, but I think sailing in the parking lot is less pathetic.

Oh, that's nice. It's not nice- it's your only weapon Against the raging sea.

If the sea was always still and calm, nobody would respect her. I'm like the sea.

I said we don't have time. What? No. Wha--wait. Pull me in. What do you mean 'time'? I--that's it. Wha-- No! Nooo!

The sea may be cold and unforgiving, but I'm not. The ship might go down, but, uh... At least she'll go down with honor.

Your whistles. Oh! Oh, okay.

Between the two of us, I'm sort of the bad-ass. You are? Uh, how do you figure?

I tend to play by my own rules. She loves rules. I only have one. Stay out of my way. Stay out of mine more.

He got away because of your driving, grandma. Oh, I beg your pardon. Hannah montana!

That african-american police chief character Abed was playing was right.

He specifically asked about me? - Mm-hmm. - Sure. When Annie brought you up, he specifically asked, 'who is that?' Abed. - Oh. - What? That's what he said.

Would you like one? Name's Shirley. Memorize it.

Fresh kitten? I go to a shelter And rescue an animal that genuinely needs my help. Why do you think I am knitting a tiny, little eye patch?

Listen, it is a studio apartment, And knitting is hip. Winona Ryder knits.

Oh, you can say black, Pierce. I'm a black woman. The cat is out the bag. You have literally identified me To strangers as 'the black woman.'

I'm not wearing my contacts. These are mine. Give them to me. Oh, but I'm a bag guy. You even have the same bag, so I thought, you know...

Just so you know, I'm Shirley. Wouldn't want you reaching for me Should you get a hankering for pancakes.

Please, you think Annie and Britta Invite me when they take Those little weekend trips to the mall? They just think of me as some sort of mom.

George Washington lemon fresca. That's a horrible porn name.

Henry David Thoreau diet squirt.

How many pornos have you been in? 6,012. How many pornos have you been in, George Washington lemon fresca? 2,019. It's my first week.

My boys are gonna make me breakfast in bed For mother's day. Well, actually, I'm gonna make the breakfast and get in bed, But they're gonna bring it to me.

No, seriously, I'm going home. Can you help me up? Oh. Yeah, sure. Oh!

Shirley, I'm gonna win that prize But not for you and your boys. That's less nice.

You just 'go girled' yourself. - Shut up. - See, it's fun!

'Someone make her a dude so I can punch her.'

Oh, no! The devil told the truth!

Money's tight, so I hope I can convince them for one more year that motels are tiny, little theme parks.

Finally. Thank God. Hope he transfers to hell.

Well, I don't understand. Is this you being meta?

That's an ax. It's an ax?

Thank the lord you're getting married! I was so worried about your souls ever since you had premarital sex on the table!

Did someone throw urine in my face? Oh. Sometimes I surprise myself under pressure.

Those two are like siamese twins attached at the cell phone holster.

Shirley, if killed a man, as a Christian, would you forgive me? - I would. - Then either that man's life is worth less than your time, or it's okay for me to be late.

Shirley, don't sue a stripper. - Why not? - She's a stripper. Life sued her, and she lost.

Yeah, you're both so different. Skinny bitches.

17 million people. - Oh.

There were nine people at my church last night.

Oh, well, I'll have to rent that, then.

Come on, Charlie Kaufman, some of us have work in the morning, damn.

Did you just scripture me, Muslim?

You humble me too.

Leonard, you better back that pumpkin ass up, or I will make a pie.

Oh, this is how I die... As Miss Piggy.

Amen. Or 'a-wo-men.'

Am I right? Bring it in for a boob bump, ladies. Uh... Nope? We'll get there.

It's called the high road. I hope it leads to a salon.

Yeah, and you're really good at it. You're like a machine. - Like Robocop. - Exactly like rowboat cop.

I'm sorry, Shirley, but who wants to hang out in a blanket Fort with grown men in tiny underoos?

With bubbles. Thank you, it's a milestone.

You don't know me. Okay? Yeah. You don't know me.

You're welcome, jackass.

Yes, but as a modern Christian, I've learned to be sensitive to other cultures' jealousies.

Shut up, Winger.

Baby what? What the hell?

Somebody's finding river fingers with a cute boy.

Well, forgive me for being forgiving. Oh, that's right. You don't know how.

Britta, I'm a grown-ass woman, and I made my decision.

Because I'm pregnant, okay?

If you don't vote for Rich, I'll shatter your world. / You're gonna what? / I'll shatter your world. / I heard you. I vote for Chang.

I don't think my character would say 'tripping balls.' That's not a question. I don't think my character would say tripping balls, okay?

Are you ignoring me because I'm Korean? You're Chinese. Oh, there's a difference?

It's because you're crazy, all right? There's something wrong with you.

Why don't I go get Chang? You can tell him that yourself.

I am a dwarf named Zippity-Do. Okay, I'm not the best at making up names

My name is Bing Bong the Archer. I'm an archer and such

This is why I wanted to play Chutes and Ladders

You see how the flea's door mat says 'Dog, sweet dog'?

We both know that you and I are the most hated in the group. We do? And since, in my absence, you'll be the new black sheep... I'm sorry. That's offensive. Black swan.

I know it sounds like science fiction. No, I don't believe there's anything on that.

Good... good-bye, Pierce. Smell you later.

You know, you really shouldn't say 'you people.' / Oh, it's okay. Pierce was having trouble quitting offensive phrases cold Turkey, so we've created a bargaining system.

Oh, a cigar cutter, 'Max' magazine, and hot sauce. / It's a theme gift. / Yeah, I believe the theme is 'stuff lying around my apartment.'

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Ugh, who am I kidding? I should be putting this right on my thighs.

I mean, we learned that in that movie we saw with all those dinosaurs. Jurassic Park? No, it's complicated.

I guess you're right. It's impossible to keep the chaos from your lives. I mean, we learned that in that movie we saw with all those dinosaurs. / Jurassic Park? / No, it's complicated.

What, I have 3D vision now? / Yes, you do. / You don't know me!

Pulp Fiction? Yeah, I saw it on an airplane. It's cute. It's a 30-minute film about a group of friends who like cheeseburgers, dancing, and the Bible.

Everyone hates Britta. / Mm.

I don't know if it's because you're racist or because I intimidate you sexually, but I know it's one of those two.

I was talking about the paint. You were being racist.

Hey, when I'm being racist, you'll know. I know when you racist, 'cause you're racist every doggone day.

Because I don't see any locusts.

Jordan was in here so long, he came out with a driver's license. I'm kidding. That's not true.

An epidural is a proper Christian woman's only chance to get wrecked.

That's not something a woman does on her child's head.

I don't want my baby's first memory to be star-burns.

He's 'Sugar Boots' in my phone. / That hurts, Shirley.

Oh, look, he said Chang. / No. / No, he didn't.

You talkin' about peeing, right? - No. - Me, neither.

I hope I don't get shot waiting out here. I'd hate to go home to my babies.

Eat paint, you storm-troopin', City College knob gobblers.

Shirley: 'I don't want to push it, but this would be a great time to baptize him.'

I don't know you, but I just don't trust you. And I don't think I could grow to like you. The point of what I'm trying to tell you, Todd, is that I don't want to be your lab partner. No offense.

Well, maybe your gay friend should mind his own business.

You know what, Annie? Pew, pew, pew, pew, p-- Wait, no. Pew, pew, pew, pew.

You too, brute?

Not to be unchristian, but that boy sucked. Aww! And his dumb baby! I know! On and on. He wouldn't shut up.

You didn't have some of the ingredients, so I used ketchup and cream cheese. We ordered real pizza.

Excuse me for being the only married woman in a group full of horny toads who sit around all night just making googly eyes at each other.

Give me this, you godless hippie skank! You're a sick, sad, twisted old man. And I hope you die alone.

I just came to say good-bye on my way to Abraham's bosom. Bye. I forgive you.

His life must be hard enough having to sew pouches in all his miniskirts.

They may live in defiance of God, but I'd die before I let a woman touch my hair.

Hey, what's going on with you bitches? Bitches is gay talk for friends.

Oh, my goodness, he's like the Abed of racism.

I can excuse racism, but I draw the line at animal cruelty. You can excuse racism?

Pshaw!

I've seen enough episodes of Friends to know that cohabitation leads to sex, drugs and something a parade magazine called Schwimmer-fatigue.

How can I religiously persecute you? You don't have a religion.

No, because he looks stinky.

Well, it is a pleasure to have you in my car, Jesus.

Are you Latino? No, my child. I am him.

♪ Jesus loves marijuana ♪ Amen. ♪ Jesus loves marijuana and drinking human blood ♪

The word he's looking for is 'sassy.' He better pray he don't find it

Stop saying I'm different!

Wait. You won't spend money on a name-brand phone, but you got lasik for your geriatric cat?

He only has the one eye, Jeff. I can't exactly buy him a cat monocle, can I? It's pretentious.

And for your information, this is a totorola.

That's your birthright as an American.

I have seen you throw.

You don't know me.

They are good at foosball because they're evil. It's an evil game that brings out the worst in us, like--like out-of-town weddings where the reception's in the same place as everybody's rooms?

Remember making fun of Britta's boyfriend's tiny nipples? - Oh, yeah, they were tiny.

Kill or be killed, little man. Think back to when this game mattered, before you got to be too cool.

Up your ass, Turkey. Ha ha!

One time I was running this table over at this Y.M.C.A across town, and I was really giving it to this kid--this skinny little white boy, no offense.

Once you make a boy pee his pants, you start thinking about where your life is headed.

I just beat this kid all the way to tinkle-town. Tinkle-town, tinkle-town, tinkle-town, tinkle-town.

You were Big Cheddar? - Who told you that-- - You're tinkle-town?

I'm gonna put you on the express train back to tinkle-town!

You try sprouting three feet just when boys are about to look at you. Everyone stopped liking me. This game is all I had.

Let's dance, David Bowie.

We've played enough for one lifetime. We're gonna go see a movie.

Andre and I will be spending Christmas giving gifts to the more persuadable of our Jewish friends.

I'm scared to go into the study room. There are so many top hats in there.

I basically killed a guy.

Our church has certain policies regarding things like second weddings, and tight jeans and... Calico cats.

Uh, in the words of my ninth-grade english teacher, 'you are dippin' and dappin' and don't know what's happenin'.'

Is she suburban or urban? She's half-urban.

You'd clearly rather be with Halle Berry in 1999.

iPods aren't going away, and maybe it's time to let somebody else take the lead?

baby Ben got to be baby Jesus in our church's nativity play. Andre was Joseph, and Jordan was one of the wise men, and I was in charge of casting.

Fat Brando. / Burt Reynolds. / What? / What?

Next time it'll be $10,000, and then $20,000, and then he'll hit rock bottom and have no one to turn to but Jesus. I say we let this play out.

Which one? / Do I have to say it?

I'm Brando. / Could be under 'fat.' / Totally.

That should be my sandwich shop. It was my idea to put one there.

A loving wife and mother who would prove to be as skilled at kicking asses as she was at wiping them.

I'll be home late, sugar boots. Abed hurt Troy's feelings by being a robot. Need to stay with my boy to make sure Britta doesn't put him on the weed.

I don't understand. Uh, Andre much? Okay, I understand. I don't. You will. What's that mean? He's hung. Oh, God!

He's not as good-looking as you. I wasn't fishing for that. No, no, no. I offered it freely.

Won't change how mustard tastes. I get it. I see the appeal. He's relaxed, he's cool. N-not as cool as you.

He's brain damaged. Well, let's not be petty. No, I'm serious. He showed me the scar.

Well, whoever did do this does owe you guys a letter. An 'A.'

♪ Troy and Abed, off to Dreamland ♪ ♪ catching the train to Sleepytown ♪ ♪ and when they wake up ♪ ♪ the Dean'll be here ♪ ♪ staring at you ♪

He's in a better place now. - Yeah. The blu-ray shelf.

Ave Maria! No, thank you.

And sold them to Subway.

I'm also the worst. Not gonna argue, but I am gonna forgive you.

Did anybody bring anything that isn't poison?

Troy, you can't bring that in here. / Yes, I can. It's all-terrain, dummy.

He was suffering! Yeah, from axe wounds!

But there's only one dotted line on the form, so... / Me. / Hey!

Hard to break the word 'yes' into lilting syllables, huh? Ye-es?

Would you think less of Shirley Bennett if she offered to sell Ben on craigslist for a chance to bump it with Denzel? That was a joke for my cousin.

Jeff, that was great. You were like a white Blair Underwood.

Yeah, Amelia Earhart would have been faster.

Can't wait to be buried alive under a pile of paperwork and bed pans, just trying to summon the courage to ask out Dr. Patel, the gorgeous Indian neurosurgeon who doesn't even know I exist.

Happy Halloween parties, everyone. You all look great... ham.

I didn't leave my short-term memory at Coachella.

Forget you saw that, and then forget I knew what it was.

pressured to what? - To fulfill her expectations. Expectations of what? Never mind. - Unsatisfied with what?

Will you come with us? Where? Why? When?

I don't think I like your -ist.

See, this is why I don't hang with you folks on the weekends.

I can't have a hard-buns teacher.

Hate to say it, but this is what happens when a group of people blindly follows a charismatic, golden-throated leader. Are you actually comparing me to Hitler? [Overlapping agreements] There are similarities.

Got that out of your system? Yeah.

Browse the available literature about Jesus Christ as your personal savior. Or not. No agenda.

I'm going to put this on a nice platter with some crackers in the trash.

Do you have your monthly shame?

Welcome to Shirley's sandwiches, where the food is Kevin-ly.

Like how I gave Andre a second chance. It doesn't mean I forgot. I just forgave.

The biology department's been dissecting the same dead pig for 10 years.

When my kids talk past bedtime, I use my angry voice, and I say, 'the next peep I hear will be the last.' And I give 'em one of these.

That's exactly a competition. So it is. Only for the loser.

So, was that girl an alien or a toddler with a growing disease?

He's on two dates, isn't he? He certainly is.

Wait. This one's real, right? Yeah, I'm really sad. Aww.

Although, no one's seen him since he lost his mind in the woods.

Dean, what happened is between us and Jesus, and Jesus don't snitch.

That's not a very Christian thing to do. Square.

Oh, damn you, gravity! Damn you, prayer! Damn you, Vicki!

♪ my hand just made a rainbow ♪ ♪ Magic, magic ♪ ♪ well, these magical berries put us in a drug seq-- ♪

I was at the grocery store with my kids, and I thought I saw Andre walk by with another woman... I ended up tailing them all the way out of town. It wasn't even Andre. The horrible part is I forgot my kids and left them all night in the grocery store.

treating me like Judas, judging me like Judy. You know, Judge Judy. She judges people.

Um, don't mind me. I'm sure you guys can get on with your lives without the worst mom ever. Sounds good. Anyone up for a movie?

First of all, it's me, and, second of all, you put Britta ahead of me?

Tom Waits was... Ah! Ow. You cost me Valedictorian. He cost me Valedictorian. That was my punch.

Then, you might want to teach your mouth how to say 'we,' 'our,' and 'us.'

Annie, remember. We're doing doable and passable. We're doing whatever it takes to help us... - Thank you. - ...beat Leonard.

[Low] Annie is the three. That is what 'respectively' suggests.

Both: I deserve to be number one! Sorry. Or me! Sorry.

It means we're taking an old man down. [Gasps] Ooh.

you know you gonna get it, right? You gonna get it!

Jeffrey, how could you?

[Excited squealing and cheering] when the study group reunites

166 episodes of Bones just gone.

I cheated on him with Shirley's Sandwiches.

Prophets, messiahs, kung fu pandas.

So Nicolas Cage is Jesus? - Uh, no, but he clearly works in mysterious ways.

You like Hellraiser? You know the word 'Hellraiser'? I thought pinhead in space was a bit of a letdown, but I'm in for the ride.

Pierce is dead.

Well, let's not judge. Everyone has a right to whatever fake religion they delusionally choose.

Of all the ridiculous cartoon nonsense. If there is a blurble, the Lord keeps it hidden for a reason.

That's a stereotype. / Was that anti-semitism? / No! That's sensitivity. It's anti-semitic to do things like that when you know full well you're Jewish.

It's still not actually meat... Legally.

Well, next time, I'll have Cheech and Chong do the warm-up!

I'm the one who hit Jeff's Lexus in the parking lot. It wasn't a taco truck, and it was racist of me to improvise such an ethnically specific vehicle.

I can be passive-aggressive sometimes. Don't everybody disagree at once. Oh, Lord, I did it again.

Then came the now-now times... When the floors were covered with the burny touch

Where all your dreams come true, If you dream of standing on a table and pissing in a jar

You don't like my face?

I love my four from Vicki

Oh, dear Abed. So humble

You know, I once loved a two

Do you wanna have this conversation, or just keep flexing your veiny arms...and throwing out apples?

We're gonna move these to my restaurant, sit on them until we know they're cold. Price them through a third party and unload them in a single score.

And I may be gone, but just remember whenever the wind whispers through the woods you got me killed.

Hey, guys. Take it from a bunch of ghosts. This is no kind of life. You need fresh air and frozen yogurt. It's on me. Hug it out.

You guys know I'm 38, right? What? I'm kidding.

Nobody makes more crumbs than a cook. Well, the same goes for clues and detectives.

Feeling someone's gonna murder some tater tots tonight. That's no mystery at all.