Cooperative Polygraphy

Jeff:So much beeping at a funeral.

Shirley:We shouldn't judge people for their beliefs. Everyone deserves acceptance and respect, no matter how different they are from us.

Shirley:I mean, that's just fake and delusional, but I'm not judging.

Troy:Good morning!

Abed:Troy, we're at a funeral.

Troy:Good mourning.

Annie:Wait, you did the jingle during the eulogy?

Jeff:We didn't know when else to do it!

Annie:It's a funeral, Jeff. You don't perform a jingle at a funeral.

Britta:In our defense, the timing seemed right at the moment.

Annie:Right when they were lowering the casket?

Troy:We thought it was uplifting!

Abed:Do you think the audience will get the pun?

Jeff:What pun?

Abed:I've been saying 'cool. Cool cool cool' but I've been meaning to say 'cool. Cool cool cool' with a different emphasis.

Troy:Wait, you've been singing 'cool cool cool'?

Abed:Yes.

Troy:I've been singing 'Fool, fool, fool' the whole time.

Annie:The made-up color 'blurble' is actually central to their theology. It represents the space between consciousness and reality.

Shirley:That's ridiculous, I don't believe in any of that nonsense.

Shirley:Although, you know, the Bible does mention blurble. It's right there in Deuteronomy.

Chang:Was it awesome?

Jeff:A funeral? Like, a funeral funeral? Funeral style?

Chang:You're all doing the jig-a-lig.

Jeff:What's the jig-a-lig?

Chang:It's that thing you do when you're pretending to be sad about something.

Troy:I've been thinking about Pierce and how he lived life to the fullest, you know? Just doing whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. I think I should be more like that.

Troy:So I have a confession to make. I've watched all seven Police Academy movies. Not just watched them—I own them. On DVD. And I watch them constantly.

Mr. Stone:Hi, I'm Mr. Stone.

Jeff:That's an unusually easy name to say.

Chang:Oh no, this is the best day of my life!

Chang:Wait, I'm a suspect? I'm outta here.

Chang:I demand control of the study group!

Jeff:No.

Chang:Okay, fair enough.

Abed:We need to call 911!

Troy:I'm calling them right now!

Pierce:Wait, wait. I have a better idea.

Pierce:Get a balloon.

Jeff:A balloon? Someone's dying!

Pierce:A balloon always helps.

Abed:A polygraph is like a three-act structure for your nervous system. The setup is the control questions, the confrontation is the lie, and the resolution is when your palms get sweaty.

Abed:Or it's like a laugh track, but for guilt. It picks up on the audio cues your body's making when you're being dishonest.

Troy:Why would we murder Pierce? He's like 65 years old. We can just wait.

Jeff:So Pierce's final wish is... what exactly?

Britta:He wants us to scatter his ashes at his favorite place.

Troy:That's actually really sweet.

Abed:Or he could wish for more wishes.

Jeff:That's... that's not how final wishes work.

Abed:Technically, it could be.

Polygraph Examiner:You ever cheat on a test?

Stone:No.

Polygraph Examiner:You ever cheat on your partner?

Stone:No.

Polygraph Examiner:Have you ever been sexually aroused by a member of your immediate family?

Stone:What?! No!

Stone:If a train leaves Chicago at 60 miles per hour and another train leaves Boston at 40 miles per hour, which one will reach the station first?

Jeff:Well, obviously the one going 60 miles per hour.

Stone:Wrong. Neither one, because they're going in opposite directions.

Stone:Okay, here's another one. A man walks into a bar. What does he order?

Jeff:A drink?

Stone:No, he orders a drink and a woman walks in. What does she order?

Jeff:I don't know, what?

Stone:That means you're gay.

Jeff:What? That doesn't even make sense!

Polygraph Operator:Your butt is a dork.

Pierce:What?

Troy:My name is Troy. Troy Barnes.

Troy:Actually, it's Troy. T-R-O-I. No Y. Just kidding, there's a Y.

Troy:I have a doomsday plan. I've got a bunker with enough supplies for five years, a chest of gold coins, and a boat.

Abed:Why do you need a boat if you have a bunker?

Troy:For when the bunker floods. And I've got condoms.

Pierce:For what, making water balloons?

Troy:For bartering. Gold coins are great, but everyone wants condoms in the apocalypse. It's currency and protection.

Abed:Well, we could use them for water balloons.

Troy:Look, I didn't tell you guys because I was being merciful. You think I want to watch you suffer? I'm protecting you from disappointment.

Chang:I'm an open book. I have nothing to hide. I'm completely honest about everything.

Chang:I like watching cooking shows in my underwear and I cry at them.

Chang:I have nothing to hide. Ask me anything.

Jeff:Okay. What's your first name?

Chang:...Kevin.

Jeff:So Abed, what happened with that girl you were talking to?

Abed:It didn't work out.

Jeff:Yeah? What happened, did she 9/11 you?

Abed:...Did you just use 9/11 as a verb?

Jeff:Too soon?

Jeff:Wait, someone's been watching my Netflix account?

Abed:Yeah, they've been binge-watching everything. Lately it's been a lot of reality TV.

Jeff:Reality TV? I don't watch reality TV.

Stone:That's because it wasn't you.

Jeff:Well who was it?

Abed:We were kind of hoping you could tell us.

Jeff:Troy, did you steal the Netflix password?

Troy:Jeff, I have to be honest with you. Liam Neeson's career peaked with Schindler's List. Everything after that has been a slow decline into straight-to-streaming action movies where he plays a guy with a very specific set of skills.

Jeff:That's... not actually what I asked.

Troy:I know, but someone needed to say it.

Jeff:Wait, so you're telling me that someone in this study group has been stealing from Netflix this whole time?

Jeff:I can't believe it. After all these years, my personal mystery is finally solved.

Annie:I may have made some questionable financial decisions with the study group's funds over the years.

Jeff:How questionable?

Annie:After six years of careful investing and strategic planning, we've made a total return of... thirty-seven cents.

Britta:Thirty-seven cents?

Annie:Pre-tax.

Troy:Eighty-six dollars? That's... that's a lot of money. I could buy 86 dollar cheeseburgers, or 172 fifty-cent tacos, or I could finally get that solid gold toilet seat I've had my eye on.

Abed:A toilet seat isn't solid gold for eighty-six dollars.

Troy:Not with that attitude.

Abed:So Annie's been saving all our money? That's actually responsible.

Annie:Someone has to be. Do you know how much we spend on coffee?

Abed:That's just survival. Without coffee, we'd have to face reality.

Annie:Exactly. Which is why I've also been rationing your meals.

Abed:My meals? I thought I was just getting thinner from stress.

Annie:At this rate, we'll have enough saved to buy a small island.

Abed:An island? Annie, we can't even afford to leave the study room.

Annie:Not with that attitude. In five years, we'll be island people.

Abed:And in ten years we'll be gods worshipped by island natives who think we control the sun.

Annie:See? This is why I save. For the sun-god years.

Annie:I'm not hoarding money, I'm being fiscally responsible.

Shirley:That's what the Jewish people said, and look where that got them.

Annie:What? That doesn't make any sense.

Shirley:Exactly. Antisemitism doesn't make sense either, but it's still a thing.

Troy:Jeff, I've been thinking about your Netflix argument, and I have to tell you something. Your taste in shows is objectively worse than everyone else's in this study group.

Troy:You watch things ironically. You watch things because they're 'guilty pleasures.' You watch things that are just bad, Jeff. And you convince yourself you're being intellectual about it.

Troy:The rest of us? We just like what we like. But you? You're up there doing this whole performance, and it's exhausting to watch.

Shirley:It's not fake tofu, it's meatfu.

Shirley:It's legally meat.

Britta:I barely use drugs anymore!

Polygraph Operator:That's a lie.

Britta:Well, yeah, but not about the drugs.

Britta:Okay, but circumcision has way more suspense. You don't know if the guy's going to mess up.

Jeff:That's not the point of circumcision.

Britta:Well it should be. Baptism is just dunking. Circumcision is like a thriller.

Shirley:Well, maybe we should just have a drug-themed puppet show next Sunday. I'm sure that would really bring in the youth group.

Jeff:A hawk came through my window and grabbed them right out of my hands. I've been keeping them as a reminder to always close my blinds.

Britta:That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Jeff:Well, it happened!

Britta:You know what the worst part is? I actually believed in you. I thought you were different. But you're just like every other guy who's lied to me.

Jeff:Britta, come on—

Britta:No. You had something special. You had this... magic. And you just threw it away for what? A quick con? Now every time I look at you, I'm just going to see the lie.

Troy:Why do you have so many trophies?

Jeff:They're not trophies, Troy. They're conquests. Each one represents a battle won, a heart vanquished, a notch on my belt of romantic warfare.

Troy:That's just... that's just sad, Jeff.

Jeff:Sad? This is the spoils of victory. I'm a warrior, and these women are my fallen enemies.

Troy:I was snooping through Jeff's apartment and I found this mirror with sticky notes all over it. Each one had something like 'You're a great person' and 'You deserve success.'

Jeff:That's not what that is.

Troy:Dude, it's okay. We all need a little help sometimes. I have affirmations too.

Jeff:Those aren't affirmations, Troy. I wrote those to cover up the mirror because I couldn't stand looking at myself.

Troy:I killed a man.

Pierce:What?!

Troy:I'm just testing the lie detector.

Video:Hey guys, what's up? So Troy Barnes has been stealing our sacred handshake. Don't forget to like and subscribe!

Troy:THOU HAST BETRAYED ME! I SHALL SMITE THEE WHERE THOU STANDEST!

Abed:When someone betrays you, you're supposed to feel hurt, angry, maybe seek revenge. It's the classic three-act structure of betrayal.

Abed:But I've watched enough TV to know that if I just accept it and move on, I become the more evolved character. So I'm going to subvert your expectations and be weirdly okay with this.

Abed:Which means you don't get the satisfaction of my pain, making you the real loser in this narrative.

Abed:I'm not going to fall into the emotional pattern this time. I'm going to stay detached and—

Abed:...I'm already doing it, aren't I?

Britta:Wait, you're tracking all of us? That's insane!

Abed:It's not insane. The government does it, Facebook does it, your phone does it. I'm just being honest about it.

Abed:I was just thinking... we won't need to track Pierce anymore.

Troy:She's created her own language. Watch this. Hey Abed, you're a bloggity blarghnaxian!

Abed:I know you are, but what am I?

Abed:I created a fake boyfriend because I wanted to see if I could manipulate everyone's emotions by manufacturing a false narrative of personal growth.

Abed:And it worked perfectly until you all decided to care about my actual well-being instead of just enjoying the story I was telling.

Annie:Wait, you created a fake boyfriend?

Abed:He's a sommelier from Portland who does CrossFit and makes artisanal cheese.

Annie:That's... incredibly specific.

Abed:He also has strong opinions about craft beer and volunteers at a pottery studio on weekends.

Abed:Oh, you want to go there? Fine. Troy, you cry during insurance commercials. Jeff, you practice your 'serious face' in the mirror. Britta, you still sleep with a nightlight. Annie, you alphabetize your highlighters by shade. Shirley, you've named all your cleaning supplies. And Pierce... well, Pierce, you Google yourself every morning and read the comments out loud to your cat.

Chang:Okay, fine. I lied on the polygraph. I'm not actually a real changlourious being.

Chang:I'm not even a real person. I'm a sentient pile of fears and insecurities held together by a desire to seem cool.

Chang:Also, I've been stealing from the vending machines.

Chang:And I may have faked my entire academic record.

Chang:I don't even know what my real name is anymore.

Chang:I've been going into the study room when no one's around.

Chang:At first it was just in the study room.

Chang:Then it was in the hallways.

Chang:Then it was in the cafeteria.

Chang:Now it's everywhere.

Jeff:Honesty is the foundation of all meaningful relationships. When we strip away pretense and embrace truth, we create genuine human connection. It's not just morally right—it's fundamentally practical.

Pierce:You know, I've been honest my whole life, and look at me—I'm loaded.

Jeff:I have a confession to make. I've been lying to all of you. I'm not actually as smart as I pretend to be. I'm just really good at sounding smart. And honestly? I'm okay with that because it means you all think I'm amazing, which is what really matters.

Shirley:I hit a car in the parking lot and I didn't leave a note.

Shirley:But that's not even the worst part. At the improv class I took, I did a sketch where I played a stereotypical Asian character with a terrible accent.

Shirley:And everyone laughed! They thought it was hilarious! I felt so guilty I came here to confess.

Troy:I lied about going to Legoland. I've never been to Legoland. I just said that to seem cool.

Shirley:I know I have a problem with passive-aggression. I'm working on it.

Shirley:Here, I baked you a cake. It's not poisoned or anything. Well, it's not poisoned.

Shirley:See? I did it again.

Pierce:Britta, in my will, I've arranged for my sperm to be preserved in perpetuity.

Britta:What? Pierce, no!

Pierce:Yes! I'm going to create an army of geniuses. Little Pierces running around, changing the world.

Britta:That's insane. That's absolutely insane.

Pierce:Is it? Or is it the only sane thing I've ever done?

Pierce:Annie, I want you to have this tiara. It belonged to my mother.

Annie:Oh Pierce, that's so sweet!

Pierce:Yeah, well, she won it in a beauty pageant in 1952. Back then, if you didn't win, they'd publicly humiliate you. She came in second. The judges said her smile was 'too eager.' She never smiled again.

Annie:That's... that's horrible.

Pierce:I know. So I want you to have it, as a reminder that beauty pageants destroy souls.

Pierce:I got you something special, Jeff. A bottle of the finest brandy.

Jeff:Pierce, this is... wait, what is this?

Pierce:It's not just any brandy, Jeff. It's been aged for 20 years in oak barrels.

Jeff:Okay, that sounds nice actually.

Pierce:With a special ingredient I added myself.

Jeff:What kind of ingredient?

Pierce:Let's just say it came from a very happy place.

Stone:Pierce bequeaths to Jeffrey Winger his entire collection of premium spirits and rare alcohols, totaling approximately $47,000 in value.

Jeff:Wow, that's... actually really generous.

Stone:However, there is a condition. The will states: 'Only to be consumed in the company of good friends, or in moments of genuine despair.' Additionally, Pierce notes: 'And should Jeffrey ever run out, he knows where to find more of my special homemade brew.'

Britta:What's his special homemade brew?

Stone:It simply says here: 'My essence.'

Troy:Wait, that's it? That's all you're giving me?

Britta:Troy, it's a sperm sample. What were you expecting?

Troy:I don't know, I just thought... I mean, I've been saving up for this moment my whole life, and it's in a cup the size of a shot glass?

Troy:The honest prioritization of money over personal growth

Abed:Cool. Cool cool cool cool cool cool cool.

Abed:...

Pierce:Death by excessive masturbation for the sperm cylinders

Dean Pelton:Finally learning how Pierce died

Pierce:He died from dehydration while producing sperm samples