Asian Population Studies

Troy:I spent most of my break at the gym. I'm pretty sure I'm ready to impress some ladies with my physique.

Abed:I've been systematically searching the study for Narnia-style portals. So far, I've found Pierce's porn collection instead.

Pierce:Laserdisc!

Annie:I just love volunteering at the hospital. There's something so rewarding about helping people who are suffering.

Shirley:Yeah, it's like nursing a sick puppy back to health... except the puppy is a man with a gangrenous foot and you're fantasizing about his orthopedic surgeon.

Jeff:So Annie has a crush. Let's narrow this down. Is he tall?

Annie:Yes.

Shirley:Does he have nice eyes?

Annie:Yes.

Troy:Is he funny?

Annie:Very.

Abed:Is he handsome?

Annie:Yes.

Pierce:Wait a minute... you're all describing the same person and you don't even realize it.

Annie:Change the subject.

Annie:I mean, Chang the subject.

Jeff:We can't let Chang in the study group. Every time he opens his mouth, it's pun after pun. It's unbearable.

Jeff:I mean, we really need to... Chang the subject whenever he shows up.

Jeff:Wait... did I just...

Jeff:Did I just make a Chang pun? Oh my God, I'm infected. I'm linguistically infected by Chang.

Abed:You've gone from guessing actual people to Transformers. That's the trajectory of this conversation.

Pierce:You're absolutely right, Shirley. I should make more of an effort to remember people's names. It's important.

Pierce:Hey, what's up, buddy? How's it going, chief?

Jeff:Duncan's late again. Probably got distracted on the way here. You know, by a tree, a shiny object, or his own blood alcohol content.

Shirley:Oh, that's rich coming from you. You can't even forgive a guy for forgetting to like your Instagram post.

Troy:I shouldn't have said that. I need to fix this.

Abed:Just apologize.

Troy:No, no, I need to do something bigger. I'll buy them a jet ski.

Abed:That doesn't make sense.

Troy:You're right. A jet ski AND a helicopter. So they can pursue the jet ski if it gets away.

Abed:Troy—

Troy:Wait, better idea. I'll buy them the ocean. The entire ocean. Then I'll build a space station above it so they can see their ocean from space.

Abed:You can't buy the ocean.

Troy:Not with that attitude. What if I become a dolphin? Then I can negotiate with the other dolphins to petition the UN.

Troy:Abed, can you keep a secret?

Abed:I can, but I'll need you to initial here, here, and sign at the bottom. Also, there's a non-disclosure agreement on page two.

Troy:Okay, so we're not allowed to post about this on social media, right?

Abed:That's what we agreed to.

Troy:Good. Because this is huge and I don't want it getting out.

Abed:I can post about it on other platforms though.

Troy:What? No!

Abed:You said social media. You didn't say Nextdoor, or email lists, or town hall meetings.

Duncan:I'm sober now. Three months clean.

Duncan:My urologist says my prostate is the size of a grapefruit. He used those exact words.

Duncan:You know, my grades have really improved since I got sober. I'm actually retaining information now.

Duncan:It's kind of like my sexual function. Everything works better when you're not intoxicated.

Rich:I'm so sorry I'm late. I was at my dog's graduation ceremony.

Rich:He graduated top of his class from obedience school. I couldn't miss it.

Annie:He still uses a flip phone and gets his news from a newspaper. He literally said 'the Google' yesterday.

Pierce:I'm telling you, there's nothing wrong with a significant age gap. I date women half my age all the time.

Jeff:Pierce, half your age would make them like... what, 35?

Pierce:Exactly! Still plenty of women in their 30s who'd be lucky to—wait, what?

Annie:I'm just saying, we need to be more inclusive and culturally sensitive as a group.

Britta:Si.

Annie:...Did you just say 'Si'?

Britta:I'm showing solidarity.

Annie:Rich is very organized and methodical, which is perfect for our group dynamic.

Pierce:That's great, Annie. You know what else is organized and methodical? The way things were run in the '50s.

Annie:Pierce, no.

Pierce:I'm just saying, people knew their place back then. There was order.

Andre:I'm finished.

Britta:Finished? Like, you're done being attractive?

Britta:I just think you could do better than Chang.

Shirley:You know what? Screw you, Britta. I'm a grown woman and I can date whoever the hell I want.

Britta:You can't just ignore this, Shirley. You have to make a choice.

Shirley:I'm done talking about this.

Britta:No, you're not. Not until you—

Shirley:Andre and I are getting back together.

Troy:Wait, eight weeks? That means you got pregnant during the Glee episode!

Group:[Everyone immediately starts coughing and talking over each other to cover]

Jeff:Look, I'm sorry about the refreshments at the mixer. I was working with a limited budget, so I had to improvise with what was available.

Jeff:The vending machine options included: expired beef jerky, something called 'Nutrition Paste,' a energy drink that's probably a controlled substance, and what I'm pretty sure was a live wasp in a bag of Doritos.

Troy:So Shirley, when were you born?

Shirley:February 25th.

Troy:So that means you were conceived around... May? June?

Shirley:Troy, what are you doing?

Troy:I'm just saying, you know how in spring, animals get all... frisky? And I'm thinking maybe humans are the same way, seasonally speaking.

Shirley:Are you asking me if my parents were horny?

Troy:No! I'm just... you know, it's nature.

Troy:I looked him dead in the eyes and said, 'I know what you did.' And he just stared at me. So I stared back. Then he stared at me some more. Then I blinked first.

Troy:Wait, wait. If Chang doesn't remember anything, then technically he's been reborn. He's like a baby Jesus.

Shirley:That's... that's actually kind of beautiful, Troy.

Troy:Right? So we have a moral obligation to teach him right from wrong. We could be his disciples.

Pierce:It's like... you know how when you're pregnant, you get these weird cravings? Like pickles and ice cream? Well, telling people embarrassing stuff about yourself is like that, except the cravings are for validation and the ice cream is a bucket of your own tears.

Quendra:Troy, right?

Abed:No, I'm Abed.

Troy:Yeah, I'm Troy. I'm the one who loves footballs.

Quendra:Hi, I'm Quendra.

Abed:Cool.

Troy:Cools.

Chang:You didn't invite me to the party? Me? Chang?

Jeff:Chang, it was just a small thing—

Chang:Small thing. SMALL THING?! I'm not small! I'm not a small thing! I'm a big thing! A big, important thing!

Chang:I'm Chang. I'm Chang. I'm Chang. I'm Chang. I'm Chang.

Chang:CHANG CHANG CHANG CHANG CHANG!

Chang:You think I'm crazy? You think I'm having a breakdown? Well, I've been playing you this whole time. Every tear, every outburst—calculated. I needed you all to see me as unstable so you'd lower your guard and do exactly what I wanted.

Chang:I have the right to break the fourth wall whenever I want! I'm a Spanish teacher turned security guard turned drug lord turned... well, you get the idea. I've earned my dramatic gestures!

Jeff:That's not even a pun. A pun requires a play on words with multiple meanings. You just said 'Chang' and then said another word. That's not wordplay, that's just... talking.

Chang:You're serious?

Jeff:Deadly serious. In fact, I'm so serious right now, I'm basically a bowl of cereal.

Jeff:I'm Frosted Flakes serious. Froot Loops serious. Lucky Charms serious — and those marshmallows are no joke.

Jeff:I'm so serious, I make Cap'n Crunch look like he's just fooling around on a boat.

Jeff:This is Serious business. That's my new brand of cereal. No milk required, just tears of people who don't take me seriously.

Annie:Are you stalling?

Jeff:No, I'm not stalling. I'm just... taking my time to think through this carefully and methodically, weighing all the options and considering the long-term implications of my decision.

Jeff:...Yeah, I was stalling.

Jeff:You know what? I'm going to name my boat after serial killers. Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, John Wayne Gacy...

Rich:What about Rich?

Jeff:Rich Bitch? No, that's not a serial killer.

Rich:My name is just Rich.

Jeff:Oh. Well, you're on the list now.

Jeff:He eats like a mantis. Just... just absolute savagery. Food on his face, food on his shirt, food in his hair. It's like watching a nature documentary, but the nature documentary is in our study room and I'm losing my appetite.

Jeff:I've been cataloging Chang's disturbing behaviors. His eating habits are particularly unsettling—he doesn't chew so much as he... absorbs. Food enters his mouth and simply vanishes, like he's a human wood chipper. I watched him consume an entire rotisserie chicken last week without once closing his lips. Just this gaping maw, rotating food through it like a medieval siege weapon. And the sounds—wet, rhythmic squelching, like a man trying to gargle while drowning.

Jeff:Rich is like a cake that went to college. He's got all the credentials of being likeable, but there's nothing underneath except vanilla.

Jeff:The point is, Rich is a known quantity. Yes, he's evil, but he's predictably evil. Chang, on the other hand, is a wild card. He could be good, he could be bad, but that uncertainty is actually more dangerous than knowing exactly what you're dealing with. With Rich, I know where I stand. With Chang, I'm always looking over my shoulder.

Pierce:You better watch it, Shirley. You don't know what I'm capable of.

Shirley:Oh please, Pierce. I'm not scared of you.

Pierce:Shirley, I'm going to shatter your world.

Shirley:What? What are you talking about?

Pierce:Your brownies aren't homemade. I found the box in the trash.

Pierce:I had to do it. He knew too much.

Rich:Wait, so you're telling me Chang and Shirley got it on in a Halloween costume?

Rich:Do you have pictures? For research purposes, obviously.

Rich:I'm asking for a friend.

Rich:Hey guys, I brought guacamole!

Jeff:Andre? Are you in the walls?

Andre:You know what I miss most about her? The way she'd laugh at my jokes, even the bad ones. How do you move on from that?

Jeff:I don't know, man. I've been struggling with my own loss. They discontinued my facial moisturizer from 2003. Nothing else feels right on my skin anymore.

Andre:Jeff, that's not the same thing.

Jeff:Isn't it though? We all grieve differently.

Andre:Look, I don't care if this baby is mine or not. I'm gonna love it regardless.

Andre:Could be mine, could be someone else's. Doesn't matter. As long as the baby's healthy and can jump really high and run really fast.

Jeff:You know, Rich, I think I've been really unfair to you. I've been so caught up in my own insecurities that I never stopped to consider how my actions affect the people around me. You deserve better than that. You deserve someone who actually appreciates you for who you are.

Rich:Wow, Jeff, I... I don't know what to say. That actually means a lot.

Jeff:I mean it. And I think what we have here, this moment, it's real. It's pure. It's the kind of connection that doesn't come around very often in life.

Jeff:I want to be a better person. I'm going to start being genuinely kind and considerate to everyone around me.

Jeff:That way, when I need to manipulate someone, they'll never see it coming.

Jeff:Rich, I want to be completely honest with you. You're a good person. You're kind, you're generous, and people take advantage of that. I don't want to be one of those people. Which is why I'm telling you upfront: I'm going to use your goodness and generosity to manipulate you into doing whatever I want.

Rich:You know what your problem is, Jeff? You think you can charm your way through life. You manipulate people, you use flattery, you pretend to be vulnerable when it serves you. But deep down, you're terrified of actually connecting with anyone because that would mean admitting you're not as special as you think you are. So you keep everyone at arm's length, cycling through the same patterns of seduction and abandonment, telling yourself it's because you're too good for them, when really you're just afraid they'll see the empty guy underneath the pretty face.

Rich:The point is, Jeff, that morality isn't about what feels good—it's about doing what's right, even when nobody's watching.

Jeff:Wow, that's... actually really profound, Rich. You know what? You've changed my perspective.

Jeff:From now on, I'm going to be a better person.

Rich:Really?

Jeff:Absolutely. I'm going to start by using the fake ID I just bought to get into that club on Fifth.

Jeff:Rich, I need your help with something, and I'm going to be honest with you about why you should do it.

Jeff:Because if you don't help me, I'll tell everyone that you didn't help me. And that makes you a bad person.

Rich:That's... that's just blackmail with extra steps.

Jeff:No, it's moral blackmail. Completely different. One is illegal.

Rich:Well, the secret ingredient is love. I put love into every batch.

Rich:And I only use the finest organic kernels, ethically sourced.

Rich:Plus, I sing to the popcorn while it pops. Happy popcorn makes happy people.

Jeff:You realize this show is completely made up, right? None of this is real.

Rich:Yeah, I know. But I like it anyway.