Epidemiology

George Takei:Boogens and headless mice? That's not a traditional Halloween creature list.

George Takei:I'm George Takei, and I'll be your narrator for this evening.

George Takei:Just kidding, I don't care about any of you.

Dean:You want to know about the catering? Po-po-po-poker face, po-po-poker face.

Dean Pelton:The catering arrangements are classified. Lady Gaga doesn't reveal her secrets.

Jeff:It's just sandwiches, Dean.

Jeff:I know exactly where this catering came from. The napkins are from Señor Kevin's, the cups are from Boco Roco's, and the little toothpicks are from—

Britta:We just threw all the leftovers together.

Jeff:...I was going to say Ming's.

Jeff:Dean, your iTunes is synced to the school's PA system.

Dean Pelton:What? No, that's impossible.

Jeff:Your entire playlist just played over every speaker in the building.

Dean Pelton:Oh my God, what was playing?

Jeff:'Feelings' by Morris Albert on repeat. Followed by 'I'm Every Woman.'

Dean Pelton:Note to self: stop watching that movie... the one where they... uh... you know what, never mind.

Abed:You realize that whole effortless thing is actually really calculated, right? You've probably spent like an hour in front of the mirror perfecting that look of not trying.

Jeff:That's not true.

Abed:You're literally posing right now.

Abed:You're so handsome, it's effortless for you.

Jeff:Well, you're so socially awkward, it's effortless for you too.

Jeff:Shirley, your costume is ambiguous. It could be interpreted as offensive.

Shirley:What? What do you mean?

Jeff:I'm not saying you look like a [offensive stereotype], because you don't. You absolutely do not look like a [offensive stereotype]. I would never say that. That's not what I'm thinking at all.

Troy:Pierce, what is wrong with you today?

Pierce:Nothing! I feel great!

Abed:He's been like this all morning.

Troy:Dude, you're being super weird.

Pierce:I'm not weird, you guys are weird!

Troy:No, you're definitely being like... *does exaggerated impression* 'I'm Pierce, I'm acting all crazy!'

Pierce:That's not what I sound like!

Abed:That's exactly what you sound like right now.

Pierce:I need a doctor!

Rich:I'm not a doctor.

Rich:Wait, actually I am a doctor.

Pierce:Even as a zombie, I'm still thinking about my money and my stuff.

Troy:How do you do it, man? How do you attract women so easily?

Jeff:It's simple, Troy. You see a woman you like, you walk up to her, and you tell her exactly what she wants to hear.

Troy:That's it?

Jeff:That's it. You, on the other hand, walk up to a woman and tell her the truth about yourself, which apparently is a turn-off.

Jeff:Oh, so girls feel sorry for me? That's sweet. You know what girls feel for you, Troy? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You're like a computer that learned to talk.

Jeff:Wait, who are you supposed to be?

Pierce:I'm an Asian figure skater.

Jeff:Oh! Nancy Kerrigan!

Pierce:No.

Jeff:Oksana Baiul?

Pierce:No, I'm a different one.

Jeff:Oh, I'm doing that thing where I make assumptions based on race. That's... that's not good. I'm being very un-woke right now. I'm being downright... asiophobic.

Troy:Abed, you can't just wear half the costume! You look ridiculous!

Abed:I'm making a statement about consumer culture and arbitrary matching.

Troy:You look like you got dressed in the dark at a Goodwill!

Troy:Dracula is a vampire, Abed. There's no difference.

Abed:Dracula is a specific vampire. Not all vampires are Dracula.

Troy:Well excuse me for not going to vampire college. Look, I don't need to know all the vampire rules and regulations. I just know Dracula sucks blood and he's dead and he's scary. That's vampire enough for me.

Abed:It's not about rules, it's about—

Troy:You know what? You're a nerd, Abed. A huge nerd. And I say that with love.

Star-Burns:It's Alex. My name is Alex. Why does everyone call me Star-Burns?

Star-Burns:My parents named me Alex. A-L-E-X. Not Star-Burns.

Star-Burns:I go by Alex now. Please, just call me Alex.

Jeff:Sounds delicious.

Shirley:Leonard, you need to stop this right now or so help me God, I will bake you into a pumpkin pie.

Leonard:Is that a threat?

Shirley:No, Leonard. It's a promise.

Rich:Remember in pottery class when you said—

Jeff:Rich, there's a crisis happening right now. We can talk about pottery later.

Jeff:Okay everyone, remain calm. We need to evacuate in an orderly fashion. No pushing, no shoving. Single file line to the exits.

Troy:FIRE! EVERYBODY OUT! THERE'S A FIRE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Troy:Wait, wait, wait. Did we just punch a girl in a dinosaur costume?

Dean Pelton:...and organic free-range butter, non-GMO quinoa, and fair-trade coffee beans...

Britta:This is a waking nightmare.

Troy:Wait, so you're telling me that in 2012, the Mayans predicted the world would end?

Abed:That's the theory, yeah.

Troy:But it's 2013 and we're all still here. So either the Mayans were wrong, or we're already dead and this is hell.

Jeff:Troy, that's not how it works.

Troy:Nope, I'm convinced. We're zombies. That explains so much about Pierce.

Rich:Your jacket folding technique is terrible.

Jeff:Yeah, well at least I have a jacket. And a technique. Unlike some people whose backgrounds didn't allow for either.

Jeff:You know what? You're a kiss-ass.

Rich:A kiss-ass? That's actually... kind of nice. I like that about myself.

Jeff:Look, I'll be honest with you. In a real crisis, you're the guy I'd want by my side.

Rich:You know what your problem is, Jeff? You don't have any real priorities.

Jeff:Oh, that's rich coming from a guy dressed as a banana with a stethoscope. What are you, a doctor's visit to the tropics?

Jeff:The Army is taking exactly six hours to get here.

Britta:That's longer than the Oscar ceremony.

Jeff:Yeah, well the Army has standards.

Jeff:I'd like to thank the Academy for this moment...

Jeff:That joke was brought to you by years of therapy and a drinking problem.

Abed:You need to embrace your inner hero, Troy. Think of Alien. When Ripley faced that xenomorph in her underwear, she didn't back down. She fought.

Troy:That's not what was happening in that scene.

Abed:The point is, vulnerability can be strength.

Troy:Get away from her, you bitch!

Abed:That's the line from Aliens.

Troy:I know, but I'm a vampire now. I can't say stuff like that.

Rich:I'm fine, I'm totally fine. Just a little cough, maybe a slight fever, but nothing serious.

Rich:Been like this for... what, three weeks now? Four? But I'm handling it great.

Jeff:You know, Rich, I have to say, even infected and falling apart, you're still somehow less annoying than you usually are.

Shirley:Wait, these aren't zombies, they're just people in grey makeup!

Shirley:That's not even a zombie costume, that's just... that's just Kevin from accounting!

Shirley:I'm going to die as Miss Piggy.

Pierce:You're not Miss Piggy. You're a big fat pig.

Pierce:Jeff, before I go... you're not a racist. You're just... you're just an idiot.

Troy:So let me get this straight. We're in an abandoned mansion, it's midnight, and we just split up. What could possibly go wrong? Oh wait, I know this one from every horror movie ever made. We're all gonna die. Specifically, me first, because I'm the funny one, and apparently that's a death sentence in these situations.

Abed:Wait, so you're saying that friendship and commitment make you a nerd?

Troy:No, that's not what I'm saying.

Abed:Because I'm pretty sure those are the things that make someone NOT a nerd.

Troy:I'm not a nerd! And I'm not even going to dignify this conversation with a response.

Troy:That's right, I'm staying out of this.

Troy:You know what I think? I think someone's throwing the same cat down here over and over again.

Troy:You know what? I'm done being a hero. I'm like a soup that's been left out on the counter. At first, I'm hot and everyone wants me. But the longer I sit there, the more I turn into a weird, crusty, room-temperature disappointment that nobody wants to touch.

Jeff:No, no, no! This is a Tom Ford suit!

Abed:In horror movies, the black guy always dies first. I'm not black, but I'm going to die anyway because I'm expendable. It's like I'm the black guy of white guys.

Troy:I know.

Abed:I know you know. I've always known.

Troy:Wait, I'm realizing something. To be a hero, I have to do nerdy things like study maps, learn logistics, understand complex plans...

Troy:Oh no. Oh no no no. Being a hero means being a nerd.

Troy:Hey zombies, you just got... Troy'd!

Troy:This is it! Time to take them down! Come on!

Troy:Wait, wait, wait — this isn't working! Why won't they stay down?!

Troy:That's not fair! They're not following the rules! Zombies aren't supposed to be this coordinated!

Troy:Annie, you're like Sleeping Beauty, except you're a zombie!

Troy:And I'm Captain Kirk, and this is my Prime Directive: to boldly go... away from you!

Troy:Hey, congratulations you guys. You got me. You're very fast. You're very... bitey.

Troy:Even as a zombie, Jeff's still got that cool guy thing going on.

Dean Pelton:Six hours. That's an oddly specific response time.

Military Officer:Well, we've found that's how long it takes for the flesh to stop moving.

Military Officer:We've discovered survivors. What should we do about them?

Military Officer:You know what, let's just drug them and wipe their memories.

Pierce:Wait, so someone drugged the punch bowl? And it wasn't me?

Pierce:I've been trying to do that for years.

Troy:What about that zombie movie?

Abed:No way. After what we went through, I'm done with zombies.

Troy:Come on, it's a classic!

Abed:Troy, we literally fought the undead. I'm not watching people pretend to do it for entertainment.

George Takei:Hello, I'm George Takei, and I'm offering a free voicemail message for anyone named Kevin. When they call, they'll hear me say: 'Kevin, this is Captain Kirk. We need you on the bridge immediately. The dilithium crystals are failing, and you're the only one who can save the ship.'

Chang:Tell Shirley... tell her I always loved her. We had a moment together once. A beautiful moment.

Shirley:What? We did NOT!

Chang:She'll never know the truth.

Chang:Troy, it's me. I'm calling to tell you that Shirley and I hooked up.

Troy:Why would you call me to tell me that? Why would you do that?