Cooperative Calligraphy

Jeff:How long does papier-mâché take to dry?

Instructor:Usually about 24 hours.

Jeff:So about as long as it takes you to come up with an assignment?

Britta:Wait, what is this supposed to be?

Abed:That's the evolutionary endpoint. Three legs for stability, wings for flight, and—

Britta:It's a dragon. You just drew a dragon.

Abed:A scientifically accurate dragon.

Jeff:I've got a date to catch.

Britta:Ugh, that's terrible.

Dean Pelton:Sorry to interrupt, but I just wanted to say — watch out for drive-by shootings in the parking lot. By me. Dean Pelton. I'm doing drive-by Dean-ings.

Dean Pelton:I need some volunteers to help with the puppy parade this weekend. Who's willing to lend a paw?

Dean:That was almost as bad as your pun about the library earlier.

Jeff:Yeah, well at least I didn't compare myself to a sandwich this week, Dean.

Troy:Wait, so dachshunds were bred to be long? That's not natural?

Abed:No, they were bred by German hunters to chase badgers into holes.

Troy:Oh. I thought they just... grew like that over time. Like if you stretch a dog enough as a puppy, it just stays stretched.

Abed:I use mechanical pencils now.

Annie:Is that for relatability reasons?

Annie:I'll push you in your wheelchair to the parade.

Pierce:A wheelchair? I don't need a wheelchair. This disability has given me superhuman powers. I can sense things before they happen. I'm like a blind superhero.

Pierce:I outbid three hospitals for this wheelchair. Their loss is my mobility.

Annie:You guys, this is the 47th pen you've borrowed from me this semester.

Annie:Accidentally?! No, no, no. I know exactly where that pen is. It's in my bag. In a special case. Inside a locked drawer. In my room. Which is locked. With a deadbolt. And a chain. And possibly some other security measures I've been considering.

Annie:I don't accidentally take things. I'm not a daycare toddler who doesn't understand object permanence!

Jeff:Okay, everyone, let's approach this rationally. We need to establish a clear chain of custody regarding the disputed writing instrument. I move that we conduct a formal inquiry into the whereabouts of said pen, with full discovery and depositions from all relevant parties.

Jeff:Furthermore, I propose we draft a binding arbitration agreement to prevent future incidents of this nature. The pen in question shall be considered prima facie evidence in any subsequent litigation.

Troy:You know, this reminds me of the time I accidentally ate a pen at summer camp. I thought it was a Twizzler, and I didn't realize until I started writing in my mouth.

Annie:It's not just a pen, Jeff! Do you know how many students could be affected by this? We need to take this to the principal immediately!

Abed:We're in a bottle episode.

Jeff:What's a bottle episode?

Abed:A clip show, a clip show is when a show runs out of money or ideas, so they film the cheapest episode possible. Usually it's just the cast standing around a room talking about previous episodes.

Britta:We're not talking about previous episodes.

Abed:We will be.

Jeff:Look, I don't know what you're doing, but it's like a Benny Hill sketch. Just... whatever you do, don't do that.

Abed:I didn't take the pen. But while we're all trapped here in this bottle episode, let me explain why I hate them. They're lazy, they're cheap, and they're a betrayal of everything good about serialized television.

Abed:And the worst part? We're living in one right now. Single location, minimal budget, no character development, just conflict manufactured to kill time until we can afford to film a real episode.

Annie:I want to search your bag.

Britta:Absolutely not. That's a violation of my constitutional rights. You're creating a fascist police state.

Annie:I just want to see if you have my pen.

Britta:First it's pens, then it's strip searches, then it's mandatory cavity checks at the border. Next thing you know, we're living in a totalitarian bampflage state with the Gestapo knockturnal enforcers monitoring our every move. Is that the world you want, Annie?

Britta:It's like 1984, bend and spread.

Troy:What's bend and spread?

Britta:It's from the book. The government makes you do it.

Troy:So it's like yoga? The government's making everyone do yoga now?

Britta:This is fascism! This is exactly what happened in Germany! They started by searching for contraband, and before you know it, they're rounding up people and putting them in camps!

Britta:A pen search today, concentration camps tomorrow!

Jeff:Wow, Britta. Not prepared? You've got more condoms than a brothel has bedsheets. What were you planning, a semester-long bender?

Britta:The government is watching us! We have no privacy anymore because of the Patriot Act.

Jeff:Actually, Britta, that's kind of the point. It's called the Patriot Act, not the Fair and Balanced Act.

Troy:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you really going to base an accusation on statistics? Do you know what statistics have been used for historically? Slavery, Jim Crow laws, redlining...

Pierce:I'm just saying the numbers don't lie.

Troy:Yeah, they do! They lie all the time! Especially when you use them to make assumptions about Black people!

Troy:Maybe it was a ghost?

Pierce:I read the label. It says 'May cause drowsiness, dizziness, and a sudden urge to reorganize your spice rack alphabetically by molecular weight.'

Jeff:What is it, Pierce? You can tell me.

Pierce:Jeff, I know what you did. And frankly, I'm disappointed in you.

Jeff:What? What are you talking about?

Pierce:Don't play dumb with me. I saw you take the last donut from the break room without replacing the box.

Annie:Wait, wait, wait! Nobody leaves this room until we find that pen!

Annie:That pen is college property. It has a name on it. It has a PURPOSE.

Annie:We are going to search every backpack, every pocket, every orifice if necessary!

Annie:And whoever took it better come forward now, because when I find out who it was — and I WILL find out — there are going to be consequences!

Jeff:I can't go on that date. We're in a bottle episode.

Jeff:Look around. One room, limited props, no budget for new locations. This is what bottle episodes are.

Jeff:So I'm not canceling because of lockdown. I'm canceling because we literally cannot leave this room. It's not a choice, it's a narrative constraint.

Abed:You're finally getting it.

Jeff:Getting what?

Abed:That we're in a bottle episode. Everything is cheaper, nothing matters, and we can say whatever we want.

Jeff:So what, we just ignore all character development and consequences?

Abed:Exactly. Welcome to meta-awareness, Jeff. You're going to fit right in.

Abed:I've been keeping detailed charts on all of you.

Britta:Charts? Of what?

Abed:Everything. Your sleep patterns, your food preferences, your emotional states, your relationship timelines.

Britta:That's insane! Why would you do that?

Abed:Data collection. I'm studying group dynamics.

Britta:That's not studying group dynamics, that's stalking!

Abed:It's only stalking if I'm hiding it. I'm being transparent.

Britta:You have a chart about when I get my period!

Pierce:Wait, so you're telling me you track your menstrual cycle? That's the hottest thing I've ever heard.

Annie:Pierce, no.

Jeff:Come on, Shirley, just open the bag. What's the worst that could happen? You'll see Beyoncé Knowles, Ludacris Bridges, Ryan Gosling, and Leonardo DiCaprio having a party in there? It'll be like Denzel Washington, Scarlett Johansson, and Morgan Freeman all doing the cha-cha slide together while Meryl Streep knits a sweater for Idris Elba's dog?

Pierce:You know what? I'm going to do something decisive. I'm going to dump this bag.

Pierce:That's what the Vietnam War was all about, you know. People had to make tough choices.

Pierce:And the anti-war protesters, they were wrong. We should have stayed there. That's what I learned.

Jeff:Random British intellectual reference as insult

Jeff:It's just a pen.

Annie:Just a pen? JUST A PEN?! You said it was a Montblanc! You said it was a gift from your father!

Annie:Now it's 'just a pen'?

Annie:You're so selfish! You only think about yourself!

Annie:And you're so passive! You never stand up for anything!

Jeff:Okay, first of all, that's contradictory. I can't simultaneously be aggressive about my own needs AND passive about everything. Pick a lane, Annie.

Troy:This is high-quality cotton. Really soft.

Abed:Troy, we're all in our underwear.

Troy:I know! That's why I can tell it's quality cotton.

Annie:Jeff, those briefs are way too small for you.

Jeff:How would you even know that?

Annie:I... well... I mean, they just look small.

Jeff:Annie.

Annie:Okay, fine. But it was an accident!

Abed:We're basically doing a body horror scene from a David Cronenberg film right now.

Pierce:They're cutting through my cast with a saw. It's like watching a chef at an unhygienic restaurant prepare food.

Annie:That's not really the same thing...

Pierce:No, think about it. They're using power tools near my skin, there's plaster dust everywhere, and I'm pretty sure that orthopedic surgeon hasn't washed his hands since breakfast.

Pierce:What? What is this? Why are you all looking at me like that?

Pierce:I know my cast smells a little, but that doesn't mean you have to treat me like I'm some kind of pariah!

Pierce:Inside this cast is a man who needs love and acceptance, just like any of you.

Pierce:Sure, there's some... fluid discharge, and yes, possibly a small ecosystem developing under here, but that's no reason to—

Jeff:Okay, so one of us is a traitor. Or... and hear me out... one of us is a ghost.

Britta:Jeff, that doesn't make any sense.

Jeff:Doesn't it? Think about it. A ghost would explain everything. The missing files, the locked doors, the weird cold spot in the study room.

Abed:That's actually less plausible than one of us being a traitor.

Jeff:Is it though? Is it really?

Troy:We're like a horror movie, but more boring and fancy.

Dean Pelton:What did you do in there?

Jeff:We accomplished something incredible. We took seven completely dysfunctional people, we put them in a room together, and somehow we managed to not kill each other. Do you know how hard that is? That's basically the plot of every buddy cop movie ever made, except we did it without the buddy or the cop. We did it with a gaming table and pure spite.