Basic Story

Jeff:You know, it's weird. Everything's actually going okay right now. Nobody's fighting, nobody's failing a class, there's no elaborate scheme blowing up in our faces.

Britta:I know what you mean. It's strange.

Abed:That's contentment.

Jeff:Contentment? Is that what this is? I forgot what it felt like.

Jeff:Wait, I just realized I'm commenting on your meta-commentary about me commenting on your meta-commentary.

Jeff:I'm out-meta'd the meta character. I'm the meta now.

Abed:I'm not a gimmick. I'm a person who happens to reference pop culture and watch a lot of TV.

Jeff:Abed, you literally just described a gimmick.

Abed:Fine. But so does everyone else here. Britta's the neurotic one, Troy's the innocent one, Annie's the overachiever, Shirley's the mom, Pierce is the old guy—

Pierce:Hey!

Abed:—and Jeff, you're the handsome one who coasts on his looks.

Jeff:That's not a gimmick, that's just who I am.

Abed:Exactly.

Abed:Hey, nice voice.

Character:Thanks!

Abed:Yeah, it's like you're a person, except you're just a voice.

Dean Pelton:Attention students, this is Dean Pelton. I accidentally hit the PA button, but since I have your attention, let me tell you about some exciting campus initiatives.

Student:Can you help me find information about this topic?

Leonard:Well, information exists, and this topic is definitely a thing that people talk about. You're welcome.

School Board Member:The insurance appraisal process involves a thorough examination of the property. We need to inspect every inch, run our hands along the surfaces, check all the tight spots, and make sure everything is properly... positioned.

Jeff:Wait, did you just admit to that?

School Board Member:Yes, but my lawyer says I can't be prosecuted because technically I was acting in my capacity as a school board member at the time.

Jeff:That's not how the law works.

School Board Member:Isn't it though?

Britta:Wait, wait, wait. This banana isn't ripe enough. Look at the color — it's still too green. These virtual bananas need to be a deeper yellow.

Troy:Britta, it's a video game.

Britta:I don't care. Standards are standards.

Troy:I spent $199 on entertainment.

Abed:What did you buy?

Troy:It's $3 irrigation software. We're playing it like a game.

Abed:You spent $199 on $3 software?

Troy:In-app purchases.

Dean Pelton:We have a crisis on our hands.

Abed:That's the inciting incident.

Abed:They're like if a DMV employee and a hitman had a baby. They show up at your door with a clipboard and a smile that says 'I've seen the receipts, and I know what you did.'

Pierce:Jesus Christ was an insurance appraiser.

Pierce:Insurance appraisers? They're not like us. They don't have blood like we do. Their blood is different. Colder. They can sense fear.

Jeff:You guys are like traumatized disaster animals. A fire alarm goes off and you all scatter like you're fleeing a tsunami.

Jeff:Look, it's like Hurricane Katrina dogs. They're traumatized, they need time to adjust, they might bite you.

Annie:Actually, I've studied post-traumatic stress disorder in canines. The recovery period is typically 18 to 24 months, and aggression is only present in about 12% of cases.

Jeff:This isn't a story. We're not following some narrative structure.

Abed:Jeff, everything is a story. We're always in a story. Even this conversation is a story about a conversation in a story.

Jeff:That's not helpful.

Abed:No, but it's true. And the fact that you're frustrated proves you know it's true, because in a story, the character always resists the truth right before they accept it.

Hickey:Is this a ring? Are you proposing to somebody?

Jeff:What? No! I'm not... that's not... why would you think that?

Hickey:I wear this ring because it was my mother's. She had large fingers, and that's what killed her.

Jeff:This appraisal is going to be completely uneventful.

Jeff:It'll be like watching Britta and Troy date.

Abed:Wait, if there's no story, then why am I explaining that there's no story? The fact that I'm explaining it means I'm in a story explaining that there's no story, which means there IS a story.

Ronald Mohammed:Yes, I know what my name is. Yes, it's real. No, I don't want to hear your jokes about it. And yes, before you ask, my parents hated me.

Ronald Mohammed:According to section 4, subsection B of the university liability code, a 'dog' is defined as any mammal weighing over 2 pounds that has been on campus for more than 24 consecutive hours.

Ronald Mohammed:Which technically means... you're all dogs.

Dean:Jeff, you have something in your teeth.

Jeff:Oh yeah? Well Dean, you have liquidated horse meat in your chest.

Ronald Mohammed:As Camus once said, 'The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that very existence is an act of rebellion.'

Ronald Mohammed:Or was that Sartre? No matter. The point is, your claim is denied.

Abed:I'm going to break free from narrative structure. No more three-act format, no character arcs, no thematic resolution.

Abed:I'm going to be completely unpredictable and random!

Abed:But first, let me explain my motivation in a lengthy monologue that perfectly encapsulates my character journey.

Abed:No wait, I'm not doing that. I'm doing the opposite. Everything backwards. Backwards!

Abed:I will now speak only in non-sequiturs and absurdist humor to defy conventional comedy structure, which is a clearly established character trait that shows consistent character development.

Abed:Why am I still talking about this? I'm overthinking it, which is ironic because I said I wouldn't think about structure, but thinking about not thinking about structure is itself a structure, so—

Abed:You know what? Forget it. I'm free now.

Abed:I treat reality like an unwanted email subscription. I don't read it, I just delete it and mark it as spam.

Dean Pelton:So for your final assessment, we're going to need you to demonstrate your understanding of campus safety protocols.

Dean Pelton:We'll be testing various scenarios, including the vending machine on the third floor. You know, just to see if it can kill you.

School Board Member:Wait, your name is Dick Appraiser?

Dick Appraiser:Yes.

School Board Member:That's got to be the worst name I've ever heard.

School Board Member:I'm not the smartest person in the room, I'll admit that. I mean, I only went to Harvard.

School Board Member 1:We should call T.J.Maxx for business advice.

School Board Member 2:Hey, there's nothing wrong with my clothes!

School Board Member 1:What? No, the store T.J.Maxx — for business strategies.

School Board Member 2:Oh... I thought you were making fun of my outfit.

School Board Member 1:We should call Ben & Jerry's about a business partnership.

School Board Member 2:That's a great idea! They could sponsor our events.

School Board Member 1:Exactly. I'll reach out to them personally.

School Board Member 2:Maybe skip the phone call and just send them an email... from your home address.

School Board Member 1:Why would I do that?

School Board Member 2:No reason. Just seems like the professional approach.

School Board Member 1:Are you saying I shouldn't call them because of how I look?!

School Board Member 2:What? No! I just—

School Board Member 1:You think Ben & Jerry are going to judge me for my weight!

Dean Pelton:More people die from vending machine accidents than from actual accidents. So if Greendale is sold, I'm going to throw myself at a vending machine until it falls on me.

Dean Pelton:I came here today to say goodbye, to reflect on my time at Greendale, to inspire you all with words of wisdom and—

Dean Pelton:You know what? I have no idea what I'm doing. I never have. I'm just a man in a suit making it up as I go along, hoping no one notices.

Britta:I can't promote the save campaign. My Twitter is just atheistic rants and meal photos.

Pierce:What if there's treasure buried somewhere on campus? We could dig it up and sell it!

Jeff:Pierce, that's... that's not how anything works.

Pierce:Oh, so you're saying you've never found treasure before? Well, I have. Twice. Three times if you count that money I found in my couch.

Chang:I've been thinking about ways to save Greendale. What if we partnered with a major corporation? A restaurant chain, perhaps?

Chang:I mean, I've been working with them for months now. Subway's really committed to supporting educational institutions.

Abed:That was unexpected.

School Board Member:I'm very proud of Greendale Community College.

Subway Rep:Really?

School Board Member:Well, proud of its potential. The reality is a dumpster fire, but the potential? Chef's kiss.

Subway Rep:It's actually a footlong.

Britta:Thanks for ruining my joke with accuracy.

Annie:So if a footlong is twelve inches, why do you call it a footlong? A foot is twelve inches. That's the definition of a foot.

Subway Rep:It's just what we call it.

Annie:But that's circular reasoning. The name describes the measurement, but the measurement doesn't match the name. So either the footlong isn't a foot long, or a foot isn't twelve inches, which means every ruler in the world is wrong.

Subway Rep:Look, I just make sandwiches.

Dean Pelton:I've organized all the files by color, cross-referenced them by department, and labeled everything with my new label maker.

Dean Pelton:It's pathetic hope placed in a simple label maker.

Jeff:Russell Borchert, Russell Borchert, smells like a burned shirt.

Annie:Russell Borchert, Russell Borchert, keeps his toys in a locked drawer.

Dean Pelton:You know, it's a shame really. Borchert's actual accomplishments - his groundbreaking work in administration, his innovative approaches to institutional management - all completely overshadowed by this ridiculous sexual legend.

Dean Pelton:Nobody remembers the real achievements. It's always just the scandals, the rumors, the... the sexual exploits.

Subway Rep:We'd like to offer you a teaching position at Subway University.

Jeff:Sandwich Law? That's a legitimate academic specialization.

Subway Rep:It's more of a corporate training program, but sure.

Jeff:I'm going to need tenure and a corner office that overlooks the condiment station.

Subway Rep:This card gives you lifetime access to Subway.

Subway Rep:Lifetime. Subway. Access.

Subway Rep:Do you understand what you're holding?

Jeff:A depression?

Jeff:Annie and Abed aren't ready for change. They're millennials.

Britta:Do you remember how we first got together? I thought it was something special.

Jeff:Yeah, I wanted to sleep with you.

Britta:You know, I think we finally really get each other.

Jeff:Yeah, we do.

Britta:I mean, we've been through so much together. We really understand each other now.

Jeff:Absolutely. I feel like we could get each other done.

Britta:...Jeff.

Jeff:What? I meant emotionally understand each other!

Britta:I'm going to go to the freshman dorm party tonight.

Britta:I know I'm way too old for this, but I'm going anyway because I have poor judgment and boundary issues.

Jeff:We could get married, settle down. You know, wake up together, have coffee on the porch, watch our kids play in the yard.

Jeff:We'd argue about whose turn it is to take out the recycling. I'd pretend to fix the dishwasher but actually just jiggle the door handle a few times.

Jeff:We'd watch TV on a Saturday night and fall asleep before 10 PM. You'd gain thirty pounds, I'd lose my hair, and we'd stop having sex but keep doing it anyway because we'd feel obligated.

Jeff:We'd take one vacation every other year to a place that's not quite what the brochure promised. We'd have one big fight about money in the car ride home, and that would be our lives.

Jeff:So what are we doing here?

Britta:I don't know, what do you want to do?

Jeff:Well, I'm thinking we could start with some foreplay, maybe work our way up to—

Britta:Can we customize that? I'd like to substitute the foreplay for direct penetration.

Jeff:Sure. And would you like that with or without eye contact?

Britta:Without, please. And can I get the emotional detachment on the side?

Jeff:Absolutely. Anything else?

Britta:Yeah, can we make this to go?

Annie:Okay, everyone, this is a covert operation. We need complete radio silence. No one can know about this treasure.

Annie:I've color-coded the map by risk level. Red zones are off-limits unless we establish a buddy system with hand signals.

Annie:We'll rendezvous at 0600 hours. Wear dark clothing, bring a flashlight with a red filter so we don't compromise our night vision, and for God's sake, nobody tells anyone.

Duncan:I'm from Greendale.

Hickey:Greendale? I know Greendale. I dated a girl from there in '82.

Duncan:No.

Hickey:Wait, you're from Riverside?

Duncan:Born and raised.

Hickey:No kidding. My old man used to take me down to the docks there.

Duncan:The docks? Ha! I haven't thought about those in years.

Hickey:Remember that song? The one all the guys used to sing?

Duncan:Oh man, yeah! How does it go?

Hickey:Riverside, riverside, where the whiskey flows free...

Hickey:And the ladies are loose and the nights never freeze!

Duncan:That's it! That's it!

Hickey and Duncan:Riverside, riverside, home of the brave and the bold...

Hickey:Remember those nights at Stainsbury Pub? Good times.

Duncan:The best. My mother used to work there.

Hickey:Really? What did she do?

Duncan:She was a prostitute.

Hickey:Oh. Well, that's... that's quite a revelation.

Duncan:Yeah, she was very popular with the regulars.

Duncan:My mother's missing a thumb.

Hickey:What? Your mother had both her thumbs when I knew her.

Duncan:You knew my mother?

Hickey:Yeah, we dated for a while back in the day.

Duncan:Wait, you knew my mother?

Hickey:Yeah, we go way back.

Duncan:Well, I guess that makes us family then.

Duncan:To family connections... however they happen.