Bondage and Beta Male Sexuality

Troy:Prepare to stop respecting me.

Jeff:What? Why?

Troy:Because I'm about to do something really stupid.

Troy:I like women who don't like me. I've never actually met a woman who likes me, but I'm pretty sure they'd be bad people.

Abed:I'm going to crash a movie premiere in costume.

Abed:But first, I need to redesign the costume. The proportions are all wrong.

Abed:This is a serious issue that nobody's talking about.

Britta:You actually care about this cause?

Duncan:Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that wanting to help people was such a suspicious character trait.

Troy:Wait, if they fix the cleft palate, doesn't that mean they can eat normally? So we'd actually be putting them out of a job?

Jeff:I need help.

Annie:Oh, you need charity? Jeff, you should start a GoFundMe for yourself.

Britta:The play was clearly about the human condition. The man climbing the ladder represented man's struggle against society. The woman in red was a metaphor for passion. And the bird at the end... that was obviously death.

Annie:Well, if we're deconstructing the postmodern semiotics of the text, we must consider the liminal space between signifier and signified, which inevitably invokes a Derridean framework of différance that fundamentally interrogates the hegemonic structures of canonical interpretation.

Chang:You know, this reminds me of the time my uncle tried to fight a bear with a spatula. He lost both his shoes and his dignity that day. My family doesn't talk about it anymore.

Troy:Michael? That's a really respected name.

Michael:Thanks.

Troy:Yeah, you know, I've never met a Michael who wasn't doing pretty well for himself.

Michael:Oh.

Troy:It's pronounced 'MY-kul', you know? That's a winner's pronunciation.

Duncan:I'm attracted to Britta because she's like America. She had potential, she's still got some good qualities, but she's fundamentally declining and I have a weird fetish for that.

Michael:This is Britta, she's a hero. She's always fighting for what's right.

Michael:I've been trying to be more like her, you know? Really making a difference.

Michael:But honestly, I'm just imitating it. I'm not actually doing any of it.

Britta:Oh, well, I appreciate that, but I'm not really a hero. I just have a degree in psychology from... well, several places, actually. The point is, you shouldn't listen to anyone, including me. Especially not me. In fact, if I tell you to do something, do the opposite.

Duncan:Why are you staying for a drink?

Britta:Alcoholism.

Jeff:It has to be genuine.

Abed:Cool. Cool cool cool cool cool.

Abed:I am Kickpuncher. Crime-fighting through the power of kicking... and punching. HYAH!

Abed:I can't use a glue gun. There's a whole story there, but I'm not going to tell it because it would completely upstage whatever's happening right now.

Hickey:I'd stockpile spices. Cumin, paprika, saffron—the expensive stuff. After the apocalypse, people won't care about gold or diamonds. They'll trade their last can of beans for a pinch of real vanilla.

Abed:What are you doing?

Hickey:I'm the first person to ever discipline you.

Abed:I'm working on my action movie script.

Hickey:Oh yeah? What's it called?

Abed:Ass Crack Bandit: The Reckoning.

Hickey:You mean 'Ass Crack Bananas'? That's a terrible name. You know what? I'm gonna make sure you miss that premiere.

Hickey:You people have turned that kid into a monster. He wants to watch TV? You all stop what you're doing. He wants to make a blanket fort? You help him build it. He wants to speak in nothing but pop culture references? You just nod along like he's Confucius.

Hickey:Yeah, I've done a lot of tough stuff. I watched my third wife die.

Hickey:Didn't even flinch.

Hickey:You know what? I'm gonna discipline you, and it's gonna work because nobody's ever disciplined you before.

Abed:You're like a tourist at the Great Wall of China thinking you're the first one to climb it.

Abed:That duck represents the struggle of the working class against the oppressive forces of capitalism. His name is Steven.

Chang:I saw an amazing performance at the community theater last night.

Janitor:That theater's been closed since the fire in '09. Twelve people died.

Chang:Well, they were very committed to their craft.

Duncan:I'm naturally contrarian. I don't follow trends—I actively resist them.

Duncan:So when I'm attracted to the most popular women on campus, it's not because they're popular. It's because I'm subconsciously rejecting the idea that I should be attracted to them, which makes me attracted to them.

Duncan:You think you're so smooth with your romantic tactics, but you're no Jason Biggs. You're more like Dane Cook—trying way too hard and nobody's laughing.

Chang:Wait, so you're telling me you don't remember how you got here?

Jeff:I remember walking into the study room and then... nothing.

Britta:That's exactly what happened to me too.

Abed:We're all experiencing the same memory gap. The probability we're all just forgetful is statistically insignificant.

Chang:Oh my God. Oh my God, you guys... I don't think we're alive.

Annie:What? That's insane!

Troy:Wait, when did we last eat? Or sleep? Or feel anything?

Shirley:Lord have mercy... he might be right.

Pierce:Well, I've been dead inside for years, so this is just official paperwork.

Chang:We're all ghosts. We're all dead.

Janitor:Wait, wait, wait. So you believed ghosts... about ghosts?

Britta:We could totally Banksy this billboard. I'll organize it like a heist. Everyone gets a role.

Jeff:Britta, Banksy is a person, not a verb.

Britta:Not with that attitude. Come on, we're going to Banksy the hell out of this thing.

Britta:Nothing to lose? I have PLENTY to lose! My dignity, my self-respect, my carefully curated image as someone who's better than all of you!

Britta:And another thing — this kind of rhetoric is exactly what the one percent WANTS us to think. That we're expendable. That we have nothing to lose but our chains!

Britta:You're all just unconsciously perpetuating a system of economic oppression designed to keep the working class docile and complacent!

Abed:Your taste in movies is objectively terrible. You watch nothing but low-budget action films and you don't even appreciate the craft.

Hickey:What? I like what I like.

Abed:Exactly. You're predictable, boring, and you have no emotional depth.

Hickey:Okay, why are you being so mean?

Abed:Because I'm trying to hurt your feelings.

Hickey:Well you did. I'm actually... kind of hurt.

Abed:Wait, really? I didn't think you had feelings.

Hickey:I didn't think YOU had feelings.

Hickey:Your stuff isn't clever, it's just references to other stuff. You're like a human Tumblr. You've never had an original thought in your life, and frankly, watching you try to be profound is like watching a parrot recite Shakespeare.

Abed:His name is Buzz Hickey.

Hickey:Wait, what? You named him after me?

Abed:Well, he's the cool character.

Hickey:Oh, that's nice. So what happens to him?

Abed:He dies in the first episode.

Hickey:Hey Abed, I got something that'll cheer you up.

Hickey:It's a Dreamatorium session. You know, that thing you built?

Abed:Really?

Hickey:Yeah. It's called 'Abed's a Crybaby.' I'm gonna go in there and do an impression of you right now.

Duncan:If my friends were really my friends, they'd want to spend time with me. But they don't want to spend time with me. Therefore, they're not really my friends.

Duncan:But wait—if they're not really my friends, then I have no friends. And if I have no friends, then there's no one who doesn't want to spend time with me. So maybe they are my friends after all.

Duncan:But if they're my friends, then they should want to spend time with me... which brings me back to the beginning.

Britta:I'm worthless. No, worse than worthless. I'm a net negative on the world.

Britta:And if I'm worthless, then anyone who likes me must also be worthless, because they have bad taste.

Britta:Which means you're all worthless, so you're not really my friends—you're just other worthless people I happen to know.

Britta:Thank you for not taking advantage of me last night.

Duncan:Well, I wanted to, but my car wouldn't start.

Duncan:British cars are actually quite reliable if you maintain them properly.

Duncan:It's not about the car. It's about... never mind.

Abed:So what do you think of my screenplay?

Hickey:Well... it's certainly something.

Abed:That good, huh?

Hickey:Look, kid. The dialogue is wooden, the pacing is off, and I have no idea what's supposed to be happening in act two. But you know what? I've seen worse. Not recently, but I've seen it. And I'm gonna help you fix this thing.

Jeff:You know, Duncan, I've been thinking about what you said in class today. It really resonated with me on a deeper level.

Duncan:Are you... are you coming onto me?

Jeff:What? No! I was just trying to have a genuine moment of connection with you.

Duncan:Oh. Well, that's disappointing.

Jeff:You're a good friend, Duncan.

Duncan:Thanks, Jeff. You know, I've been thinking... maybe we should make a pact. A mutual vow of celibacy.

Jeff:What? Why would we do that?

Duncan:Well, it would bring us closer together. As friends. Spiritually.

Abed:Hey Hickey, what's the difference between a .38 and a .45?

Hickey:About a foot, once it leaves the barrel.

Abed:Perfect. I'm stealing that for my script.

Chang:Wait, so if I saw a ghost, how do I know the ghost was real? Maybe I'm hallucinating. But if I'm hallucinating, then the ghost isn't real, which means I didn't see a ghost, which means I'm not hallucinating. But if I'm not hallucinating, then the ghost was real!

Chang:So either way, I'm crazy or I'm not crazy, but I can't figure out which one because the ghost is the only evidence and the ghost might not be real because I might be crazy!

Chang:The whole thing was a metaphor for the human condition.

Britta:That's what I said!

Chang:No, I was there. I saw the guy in the big rubber suit. That was definitely supposed to be humanity.

Chang:What if none of this is real? What if I'm just a figment of someone's imagination?

Britta:Have you tried taking a bath?

Troy:My dad left when I was seven.

Abed:Mine never really showed up to begin with.

Troy:Yeah, well... at least you knew what to expect.

Abed:I guess we're both just... broken.

Troy:Cool. Cool cool cool.