VCR Maintenance and Educational Publishing

Dean Pelton:Nobody picks up on my patterns. I'm completely unpredictable.

Dean Pelton:Go ahead, try to guess what I'm going to say next.

Dean Pelton:Graham cracker.

Troy:I found it at Goodwill next to a used copy of Kazaa and a fanny pack that still had a Blockbuster membership card in it.

Rachel:Hey Jeff, happy anniversary!

Jeff:Anniversary? We've only been dating for a month.

Rachel:I know, that's why I'm celebrating it.

Jeff:Wait... what's your name again?

Abed:A month is 12% of a year. We've already invested more time in this relationship than most people invest in their New Year's resolutions. Statistically, we're committed.

Abed:We met, we talked, we kissed, we said 'I love you,' we moved in together, we broke up, and we're getting back together. All in one semester. That's efficient.

Jeff:Also, you're using my Netflix password.

Abed:Yeah, that happened too.

Dean Pelton:Yo, yo, yo. Listen up, people. I got some bad news and I'm gonna deliver it the only way I know how. *beatboxing* Your paychecks are gonna be late, late, late. They're in the mail, mail, mail. Don't ask me why, why, why. I don't know, know, know. *awkward dancing* Word to your mother, word to your mother.

Dean Pelton:Obama fears my truth-telling.

Dean Pelton:Whoa, whoa, whoa. What was that? I don't... I don't know what just happened. That wasn't me. That was some kind of... out-of-body experience.

Abed:This door won't open.

Troy:Have you tried jiggling the handle?

Abed:I did. Now my hand is stuck too.

Troy:Okay, we can fix this. Just stay calm.

Abed:That's the thing. I'm also on fire.

Troy:My brother's moving in with me.

Abed:Your brother? That's awesome! I'm going to treat him like a Viking raider and pillage his belongings.

Troy:No, you can't use the bathroom.

Abed:Yes, the answer to the poop question is yes.

Troy:You can't just microwave a relationship and expect it to be done right. You gotta let it cook slow, in a real oven, you know what I'm saying?

Troy:You can't move in here, Anthony. This place is full. We don't have room.

Anthony:But I need somewhere to stay.

Troy:Well, your two options are: leave, or... also leave.

Anthony:I'll be right back, I'm going to use the bathroom.

Anthony:I'm back.

[underwhelming explanation about bathroom]

Jeff:I'm not doing manual labor. Do you know what this would do to my hands?

Hickey:Your hands? Jeff, you won't lift a finger but you spend twenty minutes a day looking in the mirror. That's not vanity, that's a full-time job.

Hickey:This heat is unbearable. I'm sweating like a sinner in church.

Hickey:You know what? I've got more religious jokes where that came from. Catholic, Jewish, Buddhist—I'm an equal opportunity blasphemer.

Jeff:You know what's in every air vent in every movie and TV show? Dead bodies and millions of dollars. We're gonna find one or the other, and honestly, I'm not sure which one I'm rooting for.

Shirley:Why are there books in an air duct?

Jeff:Because it's Greendale.

Shirley:Has anyone seen my books? Someone stole them.

Jeff:You mean 'someone stole them'? Your grammar was atrocious, but I have to admit, that was a perfectly timed question.

Jeff:We're not turning in these books. It's a matter of principle.

Dean Pelton:Jeff, you have to follow the rules.

Jeff:Says the guy whose rap career never took off.

Jeff:So Shirley, when you think about heaven, do you imagine it as a physical place or more of a spiritual state of being?

Shirley:Well, I think it's—

Jeff:Because I've always wondered if the concept of paradise is just a projection of our unconscious desires, or if there's something more universal at play. What do you think that says about us as people?

Shirley:You know, if we're going to do this, we need to disable the security cameras first. I learned that from my cousin Maurice who did three years for grand larceny.

Jeff:Wait, what?

Shirley:And we'll need to wear gloves—latex, not cotton. Cotton leaves fibers. Also, we should go in through the roof access, not the front entrance. The motion sensors there have a blind spot by the water cooler.

Abed:Shirley, how do you know all this?

Shirley:Oh honey, I grew up in the streets. I didn't always have the Lord and a good church!

Troy:Okay, so when I was a kid, my friends and I would play this game called 'Rocks.'

Troy:You'd find a rock... and then you'd throw it.

Troy:Then someone else would find a rock and throw it.

Troy:We'd do that for hours, man. Best times of my life.

Troy:We're the same, man. We both went back in time.

Abed:You went back in time. I experienced a psychological break and constructed an elaborate fantasy. We're not the same.

Abed:Coin flip? That's just asking the universe to make a decision for you. We're not ready for that kind of responsibility.

Abed:And rock-paper-scissors? That's a game of pure chaos. Someone always throws rock first. It's predictable chaos, which is somehow worse.

Abed:We should settle this like civilized people: whoever can recite the most lines from a movie I haven't seen yet wins.

Abed:I accept Anthony as a literal predator.

Britta:You wouldn't dare reveal our location!

Other Character:We can smell the weed from a mile away.

Britta:Well, that's not... that's not mine.

Chang:Whoa, whoa, whoa! I didn't see anything! I didn't see anything!

Chang:This is not my business. I'm leaving. I'm going. Bye!

Chang:Forget I was here. Forget you saw me. We're good. We're cool.

Jeff:Okay, so we're playing this game where we have to guess what's on the VCR?

Britta:No, we have to make the VCR guess what WE'RE thinking.

Troy:Wait, the VCR thinks?

Abed:The rules clearly state that no one thinks. We just move the tape.

Shirley:Move it where?

Pierce:Backwards! Always backwards! Why is this so hard?

Annie:Because the instruction manual is written in reverse!

Jeff:Has anyone considered that this game might just be broken?

Britta:That's not helpful, Jeff. We agreed to finish this.

Troy:I think the VCR just ate my sock.

Abed:Are we watching a game show or are we in a pretentious art film right now?

Abed:This is a Dreamatorium. You can't just walk into someone's Dreamatorium and tell them to stop dreaming.

Chang:I stole the book. I took it from the library because... because I wanted to smell it.

Chang:The leather binding, the aged paper, it aroused me.

Chang:I've been stealing books for years. I have a room. A room full of books that I... that I've been intimate with.

Abed:What? No, Rachel just needed some space. She'll come back.

Anthony:Abed, buddy... she's not coming back. You chose a VCR game over your girlfriend. That's not a relationship problem, that's a life choice you made.

Chang:Wait, wait, wait. You're giving the money to Britta? The same Britta who once tried to return a sandwich because she thought it was too 'judgmental'?

Troy:Anthony, I know what you're doing. You're referencing our family trauma.

Anthony:What? No, I'm just... why do you have photos of yourself everywhere?

Troy:That's not the point.

Anthony:It's a lot of photos, man. It's making me uncomfortable.

Buyer:Twenty thousand dollars?

Seller:No, no. Twenty dollars. Like, literally twenty individual dollars.

Buyer:Wait, so these textbooks have no page numbers?

Buyer:How am I supposed to do the homework assignments? The professor says 'read pages 47 through 52,' but I can't find them!

Buyer:And the study guide references 'Figure 3.2 on page 84,' but... there's no way to know which page is 84!

Buyer:I guess I'll just flip through randomly and hope I land on the right chapter.

Abed:Troy was our stabilizing force.

Dean:Yo, check it. Coffee in the morning, water all day. Coffee in the morning, water all day. Gotta stay hydrated, that's what I say. Word.

Abed:VCR games are going to be the future of entertainment. Mark my words.

Abed:In ten years, we'll have interactive Star Wars games right in our living rooms through VCR technology.

Abed:It'll be bigger than anything. Bigger than movies, bigger than television.

Woman:Stock options? That's not real money. I want cash.

Man:But Apple is going to be huge someday.

Woman:Apple? Like the fruit company? That's ridiculous. Stick with the cash.