Shauna Malwae-Tweep

I'm surprised no one's complained about this. / Oh, tons of people have. Yeah, we get letters every day.

No comment. / About what?

Why would you want a toaster that's lying at the bottom of the pit? / I don't know. I was pretty wasted.

How big is the lot? / I don't know. You tell me. How big is the lot? / A hundred or something. Give or take 100. I don't know. / A hundred what? / I don't know, Shauna Malwae-Tweep.

I'm assuming not Mexican. / Why? / Because of the burrito. / Oh! Yeah, well, it wasn't a Mexican burrito.

Mark Brendanawicz.

Come on, stay in bed. That park is never, ever, ever gonna get made. / Right. And then I came back to bed. / Yeah, but the important part of what I said was, 'Stay in bed.'

So, I thought to myself, 'Don't think, Andy, act.' / So, you weren't thinking? / Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.

It's time to encapsulate the future.

The parks department cuts the crapsule, buries the time capsule.

It's a little long. Okay. Zorp Shmorp. Doomsday Prediction Falls Flat as Citizens Spend Pleasant Evening Enjoying One of Pawnee's Finest Parks. Somehow longer.

A group of good friends having fun, doing nice things for each other. I mean, that's what's important in life, and I want to write about it.

Is that accurate Mr. Phlegner? Is Councilwoman Knope ahead of the regular schedule for this route? Whatever. No comment.

Google Earth... Always taking pics.

I haven't had a date in a while, but I'm learning a lot about me.

What? He's kinda cute. Oh, God, Shauna, no. I-I just feel like I could fix him, you know?

I was gonna go with my boyfriend, but he couldn't come because he decided to stay with his wife.

I like beauty pageants. Everyone is so happy and perfect.

I'm writing a memoir based on my blog. It's called Tweeping Up Appearances, and it's about my journey to find happiness by smiling through the pain.

Although, when I was in college I found out that my dad had a second family. Well, we were the second family, technically.

Although there is a tiny part of me that always thought it was just Chris talking into a mirror.

I had met a guy online, and we started chatting a lot, and I really liked him, but he turned out to be a computer program that a scientist invented to test the gullibility of human women.