Are You Better Off?

Lending? Makes it sound like I had a choice in the matter. I never should've agreed to this or let you know that I have a cabin or gotten to know any of you.

That's the spirit.

I don't wanna over-hype it, but our parade makes the rose bowl parade look like a turds-on-wheels convention.

Easy: Most murders per capita. The guillotine was invented here. City Hall is run by the walrus mafia.

Cost of living is cheap. In about three years, I will have saved enough to pay off my condo in Seattle.

You have a condo in Seattle?

Yes, I like the rain and the fish markets.

I'm bored. Let's go have sex in a tree.

He'll be back in eight minutes.

I don't really have any power in this relationship.

Anyone's welcome to join us in the tree!

Side note: I accidentally threw my sweat shirt away. That's why I was digging through the trash. Found that too. Pretty cool.

There's only one man for this job: Bert Macklin, FBI. They said I was retired. They said I was too dangerous for the Pawnee Police Department. Turns out they were right... and wrong.

Macklin, you son of a bitch.

Due to a tragic misunderstanding, the prettiest pig beauty pageant has been replaced by a pork rib barbecue competition.

Oh, no.

Pawnee raccoon attacks have decreased.

In fact, this forum is kind of my victory lap.

Who'd like to start? Uh-oh.

And frankly, I don't see any of those citizens standing up and complaining abo-- Okay. Now, I see them.

Whoa! Darren! Slow down! That sweat suit's not for sweatin' in, okay? This is crushed velvet. If you go at more than a brisk walk, it will fall apart.

I could add a baby section over there, call it 'Li'l Swaggers.' I could add some old people stuff, call it 'Rent-A-Sag.'

Ugh, no. Old people are gross.

Hey, dingdong! Can I go home? My tum-tum feels gross, and also, I hate working.

Also, a lawyer guy called you. He sounded really sexy on the phone, and I was very into that. Like, I was, like, very into that.

All right, let's set up some boundaries on what's cool for you to say to me, okay?

Okay. I frenched my cousin one time.

I might still be in love with him.

Babyface heard my demo? I will accept a record deal.

Whoa, Diddy wants to buy Rent-A-Swag?

It's not Diddy.

Oh. Oh, hello...Ann.

A little something they taught us down at Quantico.

It's an accusation, 'cause I know your secret. You're pregnant.

You're not? Damn it. Who is?

I'm trying to get pregnant. That's not fair. I mean, great, and happy for them, and congratulations, whatever, but ooh! No! Boo!

Whoa, I don't think so. Bert Macklin works alone.

Welcome to the FBI.

Together, as a town, we lost an amount of weight equal to 800 pregnant manatees.

You somehow convinced the school board that napkins are a vegetable.

Ever since you stripped us of our freedoms by making us hire women, we've had to turn one of our bathrooms into a woman's bathroom. We only have one bathroom now.

I'm so sorry, Dewey. That sounds like a horrible price to pay for something as trivial as gender equality.

So you agree.

Now, if I wanna start my day off with a triple-decker pancake breakfast pizza, I gotta go to the one that's 10 minutes away, and that makes me 20 minutes late to work every day. I work at home.

Have you ever considered not eating that for breakfast?

How many people am I talking to, Donna? One or 1 1/9?

Oh. Interesting. I don't remember saying anything about anyone being pregnant.

Whew. This case just got interesting. Well, not just. It was pretty interesting to begin with. This case just remained interesting.

And now, this town a horrifying sex den where people can put their body parts anywhere they want to with impunity.

And deviant behavior in Pawnee is up a billion percent!

This town is going to hell in a Gucci knock-off handbag, girl.

Oh, I run a pornographic DVD emporium. Well, it used to be a quaint, little movie rental place with a lot of community value. Oh, it's much better now.

I'm Brandi Maxxxx... Star of such films as the incredible Burt Wonderbone, A Good Guy to Lay Hard, and Argo.

I had a small part in Argo as well as the porn version Our Goo.

I've seen the first 90 seconds. It's thrilling.

Did you or did you not leave this positive pregnancy test in a dumpster in the woods?

Someone-- I'm not saying Diddy, but I'm not not saying Diddy-- has offered to buy out Rent-A-Swag for a buttload of money.

I'm talking pedicures on pedicures on pedicures.

I actually think that you should get a 'Hello Kitty' tattoo.

Uh, burn it for the insurance money.

God, nobody cares, Gary.

I miss you guys.

Parades and your butt: My two vices.

We always use protection... but I'm pretty positive she pokes holes in them.

It's called 'Womb There It Is.' That's her brand.

I'm gonna have a baby with Jean-Ralphio's sister? Oh, God. What have I done? Like, to humanity?

I'm the Nipple King.

No fun for you!

This float represents a group of over 300 business owners, individuals, and community leaders who are protesting unfair government regulation. We are the committee to recall Leslie Knope.

Yeah. It's mine.

Psych! Ah, ha, ha. Look at your stupid face. You had a dumdum face.

Do you know how many different pills I take, birth control or otherwise? There is no way that I could be pregnant with a human baby.

Tommy has his life back! Let's go!

Nah! I'm just kidding, man. She's the worst. You dodged a bullet, baby.

Besides, the math doesn't add up because we only have sex every single day.

When we went to Hawaii, you woke me up at 3:00 A.M. to watch Meet the Press.

Step up. Step Up 2: The Streets. I'm sorry, my adrenaline is pumping, so all I can think of is dance movie titles. Stomp the Yard. There's one.

You Got Served. Silver Linings Playbook, kind of.

I haven't had a date in a while, but I'm learning a lot about me.

So, in conclusion, recall, shmecall. No, I can't end my big press conference by saying 'Recall, shmecall.' That's ridiculous.

Last one to pick up 100 rusty cans has still accomplished a great deal.

Sex is ridiculous.

I wanna wait until we're 50 and then adopt a set of creepy adult twins from Romania.

It's called capitalism, Mr. Haverford, and you are about to get a free lesson. Only this free lesson is going to cost you.

So it's not free?

This sucks, but I have to admit: It's a pretty baller move.

It is Diddy.

It's not Diddy.

If I'm the same as I was a year ago, I'm happy.