Time Capsule

Leslie:Jerry, that's actually a really good idea. I'm genuinely shocked.

Leslie:I mean, I had such low expectations for you, and you still somehow managed to exceed them. It's kind of beautiful.

Leslie:Oh wow, okay, so here it says 'Jerry Gergich played a female role in the school musical.'

Jerry's mother:Yes, he was very brave to do that.

Leslie:He was a junior in high school.

Jerry's mother:We were all very proud.

Leslie:He played the role for three consecutive years.

Jerry:Well, I was in Peter Pan in high school. I played Wendy.

Tom:You played Wendy?

Jerry:Yeah, they needed someone with the right... frame.

Tom:You know what? I could just kill Eduardo. I mean, he's got everything I want. The confidence, the swagger, the way he just... exists. I could kill him.

Tom:Okay, so my time capsule item is this drawing I made in third grade.

Tom:It's a picture of my teacher, Mrs. Henderson, being attacked by a swarm of bees.

Tom:She gave me a B-minus on my book report, so I decided to get revenge through interpretive art.

Tom:I got the idea from Entourage. I watch that show for relationship advice.

Ron:JJ's makes a breakfast dish called the Pork-apocalypse. It's pork and eggs. I've ordered it every day for the past six years.

Leslie:I've compiled a comprehensive history of Pawnee. It's 247 pages, fully indexed, with color-coded tabs and a glossary. I'm not doing this for credit or recognition—I just love this town. But if someone wanted to name a street after me or put a plaque in the library, I wouldn't be opposed to that.

Leslie:Oh wow, okay, so I'm reading through some historical Pawnee slogans, and... oh no. Oh no no no. In 1943, the town's official slogan was 'Pawnee: The Town That Welcomed Nazi Soldiers During World War II.'

Leslie:After the Nazis took France, our mayor kind of panicked.

Leslie:Pawnee repeated the same mistake in Vietnam

Leslie:Town was taken over by cult with alien deity

Leslie:Pawnee: Zorp is dead. Long live Zorp.

Leslie:We put up a statue saying John Mellencamp was born here. Turns out he wasn't. We got sued.

Leslie:We may have lost the lawsuit, but we're putting it on the town sign. 'Pawnee: Home of the Julia Roberts Lawsuit.' It's basically the same as her actually being from here.

Leslie:Pawnee has a long history of welcoming soldiers, even enemy soldiers. We welcomed the British after the War of 1812. We welcomed Confederate soldiers after the Civil War. We welcomed German soldiers after World War II. And now, apparently, we're welcoming terrorists.

Leslie:Our new slogan is 'Pawnee: First in Friendship, Fourth in Obesity.'

Journalist:What about: 'Time Capsules Really Know How to Encapsulate the Moment'?

Shauna:That's... that's just the word 'encapsulate.'

Journalist:I know, but it sounds like 'in a capsule.'

Shauna:It really doesn't.

April Ludgate:Did you see the headline about the space capsule?

Ron Swanson:No.

April Ludgate:They're calling it a real 'capsule' of our time.

Tom Haverford:That's terrible.

April Ludgate:Wait, it gets worse. Apparently it's full of garbage, so they're also calling it a 'crapsule.'

Leslie:Kelly, I didn't expect you to be... well, an adult man.

Kelly:Yeah, well, I'm a Twilight enthusiast. Edward Cullen is a timeless romantic icon.

Andy:Present company excluded.

Chris:Oh, thank you.

Andy:No, I meant me. I'm the handsomest dude here.

Chris:Andy, this is incredible work. I can see my reflection in these shoes so clearly, I can see the future.

Andy:That's just your face, dude.

Andy:Wait, wait, wait. He didn't pay me. He just... left. I've been shining shoes for like an hour and he didn't even... Oh no. Oh no, I worked for free.

Ann:Andy, Chris isn't your boss.

Andy:What? Yes he is. He's like, the bossiest guy I know.

Ann:He's not your boss, Andy. You don't even work together.

Andy:Ann, I think I know who my boss is.

Ann:Andy will somehow ruin this. He'll probably do something like... show up at our apartment with a dead fish he found, and when Chris asks him about it, Andy will just say 'I don't know, it was just lying there,' and then Chris will think I put him up to it, and we'll break up.

Andy:Why would there be a dead fish?

Ann:I don't know! That's the point! With you, there's always a dead fish!

Kelly:Twilight is still relevant to Pawnee. The only two differences are that vampires don't sparkle in the sun, and that Edward doesn't exist.

Leslie:Wait, you handcuffed yourself to protest? Where did you even get handcuffs?

Kelly:I brought them from home.

Leslie:You brought handcuffs from home? So you planned this?

Kelly:Well, yeah.

Leslie:This isn't a spontaneous protest, Kelly. You premeditated this entire thing.

Leslie:Cool? Cool is when you follow the rules and respect the system. Cool is when you show up to work on time, you do your job well, and you contribute positively to your community. Cool is being a good citizen.

Ron:Why would you handcuff yourself to Twilight?

Ron:You look sad. Did a girl break your heart?

Kelly:Your mom broke my heart when she sat on my lap and I couldn't feel my legs for three days.

Donna:I like books about women who are strong, confident, and don't need a man. I could steal Robert Pattinson from Kristen Stewart.

Security Guard:Ma'am, you need to leave.

Kelly:You know what? You're just a muscle-headed idiot!

Kelly:I'm not even scared of you!

Kelly:I'm not scared.

Kelly:Okay, I'm terrified.

Leslie:Kelly, you're going to get hungry. You're going to get uncomfortable. You're going to want to leave.

Kelly:I came prepared.

Leslie:What do you mean?

Kelly:I have snacks, magazines, a hand-mirror so I can look at myself, and a framed photo of myself so I can look at myself looking at myself.

Kelly:I'm protesting this!

Tom:Oh really? Because you're sitting in my chair, eating my snacks, and you just asked me if we have any other streaming services.

Tom:Okay, I have to admit something. I stayed up all night reading Twilight.

Tom:And I'm not gonna lie to you... it spoke to me on a very deep level.

Tom:Edward Cullen is a tortured soul. He's brooding, he's mysterious, he's a vampire who sparkles in the sun.

Tom:Bella Swan is the most beautiful woman I've ever read about, and I would do anything to protect her.

Kelly:Oh my God, Tom, are you serious right now?

Tom:Our love is like a dream. It transcends time and mortality itself.

Tom:I want someone to love me the way Edward loves Bella. Unconditionally. Eternally.

Tom:Wait, there's more books after this one?

Kelly:Oh my god, there's like twelve more books in the series.

Tom:Twelve more? Why didn't you tell me that before I started?

Kelly:I thought you knew! Everyone knows about the series.

Tom:Well I'm reading them all now. Cancel my plans for the next month.

Andy:Chris, what are you wearing on your feet?

Chris:These are Birkenstocks. They're ergonomic sandals with a contoured footbed that distributes pressure evenly across the plantar surface. The cork-latex composite sole provides optimal arch support while maintaining breathability. The adjustable straps are precision-engineered to accommodate various foot widths and can be customized for maximum comfort throughout the day.

Andy:They're sandals, dude.

Chris:Yes, but they're *advanced* sandals.

Andy:That's the most innovativest thing I've ever heard!

Andy:Monkeys don't wear shoes. But if they did, I bet they'd be really good at it.

Chris:Okay Andy, I want you to list some of your attractive qualities.

Andy:Well, I'm very handsome.

Andy:And I'm really strong.

Chris:That's it?

Andy:Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Tom:Okay, okay, hear me out. Edward Cullen is basically the perfect entrepreneur. He's built an entire brand around mystery and exclusivity.

Tom:The dude doesn't even need to sleep. Do you know how much more productive you could be? I could be running three businesses by now.

Tom:And the romance? That's premium content. That's subscription-level material. Bella is basically paying with her emotional labor and he's getting infinite ROI.

Tom:You're acting like one of those Twilight villains. You know, all tense and brooding, like you're about to turn into a vampire or something.

Leslie:Look, I know some people have issues with Twilight, but it's actually the perfect representation of Pawnee. We have a small town, we're surrounded by nature, and we're all just trying to find love in the darkness.

Ron:If you give in to them, they'll just keep protesting. You're rewarding bad behavior.

Leslie:You know what? You're right. So I'm going to do the opposite. I'm going to have a public forum. In fact, I'm going to have it tomorrow night.

Ron:Leslie, that's insane.

Leslie:No, it's brilliant. If people want to be heard, I'm going to let them be heard. All of them. At once. In the same room.

Citizen:The Bible.

Leslie:Great. Thank you. That's... that's perfect. That's exactly what I asked for.

Eduardo:I love Dave Matthews.

Andy:Oh my God, Dave Matthews! Yes! That's amazing!

Andy:We should totally hang out and listen to 'Crash' together.

Eduardo:Gracias.

Andy:Whoa! I know that one! You're welcome!

Marcia Langman:I'm very concerned about the sexual content in these Twilight books. There's all this talk about 'quivering' and it's completely inappropriate for young readers.

Leslie Knope:Marcia, I think you might be reading a little too much into it.

Marcia Langman:Reading into it? The word 'quiver' appears on nearly every page! Page 47, page 89, page 156... I've highlighted every instance. Quivering in the meadow, quivering in the bedroom, quivering in the car...

Leslie:Wait, wait. So you're saying it's too Christian, and you're saying it's not Christian enough? That's a logical contradiction. One of you has to be wrong. Actually, you're both wrong. Twilight isn't Christian or not Christian—it's just a movie about a girl who falls in love with a 109-year-old man. That's not a faith issue, that's a geriatric issue.

Leslie:Wait, so Bella falls in love with a 109-year-old man who watches her sleep without her knowing, and that's romantic? But when I love Pawnee with every fiber of my being and watch the Parks department sleep... I'm creepy?

Leslie:You know what? No one in this town understands irony.

Citizen 1:This is a disaster! We need to fix the pothole on Elm Street!

Citizen 2:You're an idiot! Why don't you go to Russia?

Citizen 1:Me?! You're the one who doesn't care about infrastructure! YOU go to Russia!

Citizen 3:You're all wrong! The real issue is—

Citizen 2:Oh shut up! Go to Russia!

Citizen 4:This is why nobody respects government anymore!

Citizen 3:Go to Russia!

Citizen 1:Go to Russia!

All Citizens:Go to Russia!

Leslie Knope:You should go to Russia.

Citizen:Oh, okay! I'll look into flights.

Andy:April, I need to understand what happened between us. I feel like I'm in a love triangle.

April:A love triangle? With who?

Andy:Me, you, and Twilight. Because apparently you're Team Edward and I'm just... benched.

Andy:You're like Edward and I'm like Bella. You're mysterious and dangerous, and I'm just a normal girl who loves you so much that I'm willing to give up everything for you.

April:I have no idea what you're talking about.

Tom:It's like if Brad Pitt was dating someone from accounting. You see Brad Pitt every day at work, and now you gotta see Brad Pitt's girlfriend too? That's too much Brad Pitt in one workplace.

Tom:I'm not jealous, I'm just concerned about the optics of the situation. You see, when a man of my stature and ambition is seen with someone who has achieved less professional success, it creates a certain... imbalance in the power dynamic that could be misinterpreted by the community.

Lucy:You're jealous.

Tom:No, I'm not—

Lucy:And you're dumb.

Lucy:Tom's got great qualities. He's funny, he's smart, he's ambitious, and his small size is a sexual advantage.

Leslie:No ashes are going in this time capsule. It's disrespectful.

Leslie:Well, except for Mittens. She was a good cat.

Andy:Wait, where are you going? I thought we were gonna jam!

Eduardo:I have to leave.

Andy:But I've got my whole Dave Matthews Band setlist ready to go!

Eduardo:I came prepared for an extensive Dave Matthews session.

Ben:You know, it's easy to get frustrated watching people argue about what goes in a time capsule. But at the end of the day, these people care enough about their community to fight for it. That's civic engagement. That's democracy. Even if it's messy and loud and someone just threw a potato at someone else.

Leslie:If you're watching this in the future and the video quality is terrible or the audio doesn't work, that's because Jerry touched the equipment.

April:That's what makes him so dangerous. He's not some idiot you can dismiss. He's likable and talented, which means people actually want to work with him.

April:Wow, it actually worked. Being nice to people gets you what you want.

April:I've wasted so much time being a jerk.

Chris:Ann, I heard from Andy that you're an incredible person.

Chris:That's wonderful. You know what else is wonderful? Pretzels. Did you know that pretzels have been around since the 7th century? They're a global treasure.

Kelly:Okay, can everyone please be quiet? I'm trying to watch Twilight and you guys keep talking.

Kelly:No, seriously, this is my favorite part. Edward is about to do something really amazing and I don't want to miss it because you're all being loud.

Kelly:You know what? I'm done being nice about this. If anyone says one more word during this movie, I'm going to lose it.

Kelly:I will literally fight every single one of you right now. Don't test me.