The Possum

Ann:You're giving me a Valentine's Day gift in March?

Jerry:It's not late, it's an early gift for next year.

Ann:That's a camera.

Tom:No it's not. It's a camera-less bear. They're very popular in bear culture right now.

Tom:Come on, Ann, just put the bear in the nursery. It's a nanny cam.

Ann:Tom, that's insane. I'm not putting a hidden camera in my baby's room.

Tom:It's not hidden, it's just a bear. A regular bear that watches things.

Ann:That's literally a hidden camera.

Tom:Okay, okay, what if I told you it's not a nanny cam? It's a robot bear that was programmed to snuggle with infants. Very expensive. Very rare. Comes from Sweden.

Ann:Tom...

Tom:The snuggling is just a bonus feature of the surveillance—I mean, companionship software.

Tom:There's a hidden camera in here.

Donna:I know.

April:Fine, I won't read your mail.

Ann:Thank you.

April:I'll just steam it open.

Ann:Don't give Tom your keys. He'll just make copies of them.

April:Yeah, I know.

Ann:I didn't ask Leslie to house-sit because she's a slob. Last time she stayed at my place, she left empty Thai takeout containers everywhere, used my good towels to clean up spilled wine, and somehow got dirt on my ceiling. I'm still not sure how that happened.

April:I don't like Ann.

Leslie:I have to say, I've always dreamed of you.

Evelyn:...What?

Leslie:I mean, I've dreamed of meeting you! Of meeting you. That came out wrong.

Leslie:The Parks Department has an official 'Most Wanted Pest List' with rankings.

Leslie:The raccoon is literally named 'Poopy' and specializes in cafeteria defecation.

Leslie:Animal Control? Have you seen Animal Control? They couldn't control a golden retriever at a petting zoo. That's not a government agency, that's a joke with a budget.

Leslie:I will catch that possum. And when I do, I'm going to dance on its grave. I'm going to dance so hard on that possum's grave that the ground will cave in and I'll fall into the possum's coffin and I'll have to fight my way out.

Ron:Welcome to Parks and Recreation. The exit is that way.

Andy:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Is that a badge? Did you become a cop?

April:No, Andy. It's a coffee maker. I'm bringing you coffee.

Andy:Oh. That makes way more sense.

April:I always bring coffee.

Andy:Yeah, well, I have a ranking system. Coffee's number three. Hot chocolate is number two. And hot orange juice is number one.

April:That's not a thing.

Andy:Not with that attitude.

Andy:I have a condition called shoeshine head. It's very serious. The doctors say if I don't get coffee, my head starts to shine like a freshly polished shoe.

Andy:I have a condition called Hibernation Syndrome. It's very rare. Basically, my body thinks it's a bear, so during the winter months, I need to consume massive quantities of food and then just sort of... shut down for a few months.

Andy:The doctors say it's caused by brain thunderstorms. That's when your brain gets all stormy and confused, like actual thunderstorms, but in your brain.

Andy:Treatment is just things Andy likes

Andy:Wait, so you're telling me that floor napping is a legitimate medical treatment?

Jerry:According to this pamphlet from 1987, yes.

Andy:Finally! A cure for shoeshine head that doesn't involve a doctor!

Mark:Do you have any code violations?

Ron:No.

Leslie:They said they'd handle the possum on Monday.

Eugene:It's Wednesday.

Leslie:I know.

Leslie:You know what? My authority comes directly from the mayor. And you know whose authority comes from me? The mayor's dog.

Eugene:My best guys aren't here.

Leslie:But they're right there.

Eugene:No, they're not.

Leslie:Here, Brett, I got you something. A golf ball!

Brett:Oh wow, thanks Leslie!

Leslie:You're welcome, homie.

Brett:Wait, my name is Brett, not Homie.

Leslie:I know, I was just being friendly.

Brett:Oh. I thought you were calling me by my actual name that I didn't know about.

Tom:I have to say, I'm really disappointed in Tiger Woods. I've always admired him, but what he did was just... morally reprehensible.

Tom:Actually, no, that's not true. After I found out about all those affairs, my respect for him went way up. That man is a champion.

Ron:Welcome to my workshop. You're the first non-me to ever set foot in here.

Mark:The workshop isn't up to code.

Ron:It meets my personal 'Swanson Code.'

Ron:I have the right to ignore safety codes in my own establishment, just like I have the fundamental right to fart in my own car.

Mark:Ron, this fire extinguisher expired in 1998.

Ron:Expiration dates are just a government conspiracy to make you buy more things. This extinguisher is fine.

Tom:Leslie, I appreciate the offer, but I gotta be honest with you. I'm not really interested in golf.

Leslie:What? Why not? It's a great sport!

Tom:Because I don't care about hitting a ball around a field. What I care about is the outfits. The visors, the pastel polos, the little argyle socks. That's the dream.

Leslie:So you want to learn golf just for the clothes?

Tom:Leslie, I want to BE golf fashion. That's the real game.

Leslie:Okay everyone, we need to move very slowly around the possum. Nice and easy.

Tom:Nope!

Tom:I'm out!

Ron:I'll make you a canoe.

Mark:Ron, that's not going to fix the code violations.

Ron:A canoe fixes everything.

Leslie:OK, so here's the careful plan we need to follow...

Andy:AHHHH! POSSUM!

Andy:tackles the possum

Leslie:Fairway Frank, you listen to me. I know you've been watching us. I know you've seen what we're capable of. So here's what's going to happen: you're going to leave this park, you're going to leave Pawnee, and you're never going to come back. Because if you do, I will find every single one of your raccoon friends, and I will make sure they know that you are no longer welcome in this town.

Leslie:And Trash Panda? Yeah, I'm talking to you too. Stop eating our garbage. This is your only warning.

Andy:You can call me 'The Neon Leopard.'

Leslie:No.

Andy:By night, I'm a completely different person.

Andy:I'm unemployed.

Leslie:I need you to call me at home. Late at night. With ideas.

Evelyn:Ma'am, it's almost midnight.

Leslie:I know. That's when the ideas come.

Leslie:I'm absolutely certain about this decision.

Leslie:Well, fairly certain.

Leslie:I mean, reasonably sure.

Leslie:I think so?

Leslie:Maybe?

Leslie:I have a very specific decision-making process. First, I make a list of pros and cons. Then I sleep on it. Then I wake up and I think about it some more. Then I usually just do whatever I want anyway.

Ben:Does that process work?

Leslie:I have no idea. I've never actually completed it.

Andy:Yeah, Shauna wrote this article about me being incompetent, which—whatever, fair point. But then she also wrote about how she was having an affair with Mark, which she didn't even tell me about!

Andy:I just casually mentioned it in front of everyone at the meeting. She was NOT happy.

Andy:I don't think before I act. That's my strength. I'm like a superhero, except instead of thinking, I just do stuff and hope it works out.

Andy:I work with pit vermin— I mean, colleagues.

Andy:Ben is like the organized spreadsheet guy. April is the one who makes everything weird and dark. Ron is basically a wood-working hermit who hates government. Leslie is... she's like if enthusiasm had a face and that face was running for office. Tom is just trying to hustle his way into being rich. Donna is the one person who actually has her life together and judges all of us for not having ours together.

Andy:Yeah, so Ann broke up with me. But I got there first. I broke up with her, and then she broke up with me. So technically, I broke up with her first.

Andy:Wait, wait. This article could help me win Ann back! I'm gonna be famous!

Andy:I'll finally have something to show her. A real accomplishment.

Andy:Oh man, Ann's gonna see this and realize what she's been missing.

Andy:I mean, possum-catching. That's gotta be relationship repair gold, right?

Tom:I wear expensive clothes because they make me feel superior to other people. And that's what I'm gonna keep doing.

Tom:Hey everyone, I just bought a banana for $1.50 at this new organic market and I gotta tell you, it's really changed my life.

Tom:Hey, hey, hey! Ron, did you see that article about the pom-pom shortage?

Ron:What?

Tom:Yeah, there's a massive pom-pom shortage. I'm reading it right now on my phone.

Ron:Tom, there's no pom-pom shortage.

Tom:Oh wow, look at that. The article just... disappeared. Must be a really big story.

Tom:🎵 Possum, possum, on the ground, you're the meanest thing around. Possum, possum, electric chair, we're gonna fry you fair and square. 🎵

Leslie:So, hypothetically, if there were these large, nocturnal creatures that ate garbage and hissed at people... how would one address that in a town hall meeting?

Ben:Leslie, why are you talking like that? Just say possum.

Leslie:No, no, I'm being subtle. You see, these creatures are like whales. Majestic whales that swim through our trash cans at night, breaching—

Ben:They're possums. They don't swim.

Leslie:Not with that attitude! The ocean is just a metaphor for the streets, Ben. Why does everyone keep interrupting my whale presentation?

Mark:I'm not motivated by jealousy.

April:Possums are adorable.

Andy:I totally nailed it. I fell off the stool like three times, but I kept getting back up and nailing it.

Andy:April, isn't this amazing? I'm so excited!

April:...

Andy:I know, right? You're so excited you can't even speak!

Mark:That's Fairway Frank.

Campopiano:Huh.

Leslie:April, please, I need your help with the possum.

April:No.

Leslie:April, come on. Please?

April:No.

Leslie:April! APRIL! Please help me with the possum!

April:Why would I do that?

Leslie:Because you're my friend and I'm begging you on my knees for this possum!

Leslie:I can't believe I have to choose between saving an innocent possum and completing my park project. What kind of person does that make me? What kind of leader? What kind of friend?

Leslie:I mean, when I was six, I didn't finish my lemonade stand because I was worried about bees. My mother said I'd never accomplish anything. And she was right! Well, not about the lemonade stand—I actually did finish that. But about other things!

Leslie:And Ben always knows exactly what to do in these situations. I bet he would have saved the possum AND finished the park by now. I'm a fraud. I'm a complete and utter fraud.

Leslie:Oh no! Oh no no no! I think I've twisted my ankle! Someone call a doctor!

Leslie:The pain! The excruciating pain! I may never walk again!

Leslie:This is the worst day of my entire life. Somebody get me ice. And a wheelchair. And someone to fan me with a large leaf!

Leslie:Jerry, is this your blood?

Jerry:I... I don't think so?

April:I'm standing guard over this possum. Did you know that meerkats can go their entire lives without drinking water? They get all their moisture from their food. Fascinating creatures. Unlike this possum, which is just disgusting.

Leslie:What does the mayor want to do with the possum?

Evelyn:I... I don't know, Leslie.

Leslie:Because I have some ideas, and they're not good.

Evelyn:Oh my God!

Ben:The mayor wants a statue of himself in the center of town.

Leslie:A statue? That's actually not the worst idea. We could make it really beautiful, really inspiring.

Ben:No, Leslie. He wants it positioned over a public urinal so that for all of eternity, people will be urinating on his statue.

Leslie:Oh. Well, that's grotesque.

Leslie:I won't reveal the possum's location.

Leslie:Although, knowing me, I might accidentally reveal it while telling someone about how I won't reveal it.

Tom:Actually, I think this is great news. We can finally tell the difference between ducks and geese.

Leslie:Tom, do you understand what you're saying? We have been lying to the people of Pawnee. Every time someone asked us about the waterfowl in that pond, we lied. We looked them in the eye and we lied.

Leslie:That's not just a mistake, Tom. That's a betrayal of the public trust.

Tom:Leslie, April just called me. She needs help with something, but she made me promise not to tell you.

Leslie:What? Tom, you have to tell me!

Tom:I know, I know. But I promised.

Leslie:Tom...

Tom:Okay, okay. She said—

April:Well, it makes sense that a possum would feel at home here. This place looks like a dead animal's nest.

Andy:Hey Ron, I know we don't always see eye to eye, but I'm here to help if you need it.

Ron:I don't need your help, Swanson.

Mark:Ron, shut up. But like, in a friendly way.

Ron:I'm just saying, the system works if you let it work.

Mark:Shut up.

Ron:You're not listening to my point about—

Mark:Shut up.

Ron:But the key thing is—

Mark:Shut up.

Leslie:Wait, so possums don't actually play dead to avoid predators? They just... collapse from fear?

Ron:That's correct.

Leslie:So if I threaten a possum, it will just faint?

Ron:Yes.

Leslie:That's the dumbest animal I've ever heard of. What evolutionary advantage is that?

Leslie:I am not calling Andy. He's just going to come over here and try to fix everything, and be all charming and funny.

Ben:That sounds terrible.

Leslie:It is! And then Ann will see how great he is, and she'll fall for him, and I'll be stuck watching the two of them together.

Leslie:He's not mad at you. Andy doesn't get mad. He gets excited about things and then forgets about them.

April:That's not reassuring.

Leslie:I know, but it's true.

Leslie:April, I want you to know that I'm here for you. If you ever need to talk about your feelings, or just have a girls' night in, I'm your person.

April:Leslie, no. Absolutely not. I would rather eat a bowl of nails than sit around talking about feelings with you or anyone else.

Andy:I'm giving April credit in the newspaper for helping me with this article.

April:Thanks, Andy.

Andy:Yeah, I needed some liquid courage just to get through writing it.

April:You drank coffee?

Andy:A lot of coffee. Also, I called that possum a beast. Did you see that?

April:Yeah, that possum was a beast.

Leslie:I'm going to be remembered as a visionary leader who transformed this town. Libraries will be named after me. Streets will bear my name. And when historians look back at my greatest accomplishment, they'll focus on one thing: the blue hat I wore to the gala.

April:Well, there was a small fire. Then a medium fire. Then a very large fire.

April:And it went into your laundry and your kitchen, and it touched all your bras and I'm so sorry. It's our fault.

Leslie:We have to go!

April:I love you, Ann!