End Of The World

Again, Andy, you don't need to bow.

Turns out, when you think the world is ending, you don't aim so carefully in the Porta-Potties.

Well, they figure if people criticize them, it'll seem like they're attacking something very reasonable. That's weirdly brilliant.

They've said that the world is gonna end 15 times, and the only bad thing that's ever happened on any of those dates is Lance Armstrong dumping Sheryl Crow.

That was a tragic day. LIVESTRONG. Mmm.

These people live on planet Nutbrain.

I live on planet Nut Bran. Bran and nuts are very helpful for your colon.

Ben and I don't hang out much these days. Big deal. Lots of people don't hang out. Jerry and April. Obama and Madonna, probably.

You started out with $450,000. Entertainment 720 is dead. It's up in company heaven. Along with Pets.com, Blockbuster, and Ask Jeeves.

My company is no better than a company where you ask a fake butler to Google things for you.

So what's next, Tommy Davidson? I say we invest our 10 large, and then I accidentally get run over by a city bus, and we start our own hip hop label.

Because I'm in like Lara Flynn Boyle from The Practice.

Diddly, diddly, diddly, diddly, diddly, diddly, swag.

You watch me play Xbox. And then I can watch you make some prank phone calls. We get hammered, make out.

That's because repetition is the key to a good marriage.

I'd like to remake the movie Kazaam with Shaquille O'Neal where he plays a genie, and I'd like to get it right.

When people are walking by, be like this. [visual gag of Andy demonstrating snooty airplane behavior]

Whoa! Still a lot left over.

Yes! Now, this is what I imagined.

Have you ever seen this much cash in your entire life? I just handed it to you.

Nickels. I want nickels. A billion nickels!

The Zorpies are ridiculous. But like the Founding Fathers, I believe in absolute freedom of religion. Also their ceremonies require the playing of flutes.

Flutes are $80 apiece, and recorders are $150.

Would you take a check? You can cash it tomorrow.

The entire party is a VIP area. There's also a double VIP area. A triple VIP area. And a Centurion Club Elite VIP area. Sponsored by SoBe Lifewater. No one is allowed in there. Not even us.

What up, Keith? He actually once tossed me out of a club three years ago. Water under the bridge.

Oh, thank God. No one shows up to a good party on time. If anyone had actually shown up right now, the whole party would have been ruined. Would have been a disaster.

It's a little long. Okay. Zorp Shmorp. Doomsday Prediction Falls Flat as Citizens Spend Pleasant Evening Enjoying One of Pawnee's Finest Parks. Somehow longer.

He's a man, and he's a worker, and he is... We've never discussed sex, so... We've always just been very business-like, so your guess is as good, nay, better than mine.

She smiles, and then they fall in love, and then they get married, and then she changes her name to Shauna Malwae-Wyatt. Or he's going to be really progressive and change his name to Ben Wyatt Malwae-Tweep. God, I am so annoyed that he would hypothetically do that.

Oh, my God. I know that move. They're going to have sex in five minutes.

Oh, yeah! 10 bucks. That counts as winning the lottery.

Honey, my bucket list doesn't say, 'Make a pretty awesome grilled cheese sandwich.' We gotta go back to the store.

Keep your pants on. What? I mean, keep your pants on, girl. I mean, those are really nice pants. I really like your pants. Where did you get them?

Because you can't go. I mean, what if you're not here when Zorp shows up? Boy, would your face be red.

When Zorp shows up, your faces will be melted off and used as fuel.

Wow, what an unbelievably unpleasant person.

It's a grand experiment, and I am a party scientist.

That was Symphony for the Righteous Destruction of Humanity in E Minor by the late Lou Presotovich.

And full disclosure, I think they're bonkersville.

That of a fleshless, chattering skeleton when Zorp the Surveyor arrives and burns your flesh off with his volcano mouth.

That was very strange, what you just said. I don't like it as much as that other thing you said.

Do you want to play a fun game with me that I made up called ChessRisk? It's half-chess, half-Risk, and it takes 15 hours to play.

Oh, my God! What? I forgot I have a thing I need to show you. Oh. I need to bring you there right now. It's so amazing. It's going to freak you out.

Just crazy enough to work. Help!

My face is fine, Mikhail Petrov.

He's stolen my jewels. And now, he's going to ravish my body. And he stinks! He really stinks!

Looks like this Siberian husky is going off to jail. Russian off to jail.

Hey, you know what? Can I go? Gayle is making a roast.

This gas station was owned by Mick Jagger.

But I think the most likely explanation is that legendary Rolling Stones front man Mick Jagger owned this gas station from 1951 to 1958.

I know what you're doing, Leslie. You know, you can't do this. You know, we broke up. And I kind of feel like we shouldn't hang out together, just the two of us. Because every time we do, it just makes it harder. You know?

So I'll steal my dad's car. Look, this is a stupid idea, but right at this exact second, we have enough momentum to do something stupid before we realize how stupid it is.

Socket wrench sounds pretty good, actually.

Well, I'm a practicing none of your...business.

I actually forgot they ever dated. I was trying to hit that.

Dawn is nigh. Zorp the Surveyor approaches, and all earthly debts will be repaid. Last call for donuts.

If the world was ending tomorrow, I'd want to be with him. Well, that's significant. The problem is, Leslie, the world is not ending tomorrow. The sun's going to rise right over there. It will be a regular Friday, and you'll be in the exact same position you were in before.

If it makes you feel any better, Leslie, we'll all be dead in 20 minutes. That does make me feel better. Thank you, Herb.

I tell you what. You play whatever you want. I'm just going to take a real quick snooze for, like, 12 hours so I'm fresh.

Shauna Malwae-Tweep thinks you're cute. What? That's why I took you to Mick Jagger's abandoned gas station. Because she thinks you're cute, and I was afraid you guys were going to make out and have babies.

Oh, well, Shauna is not here. Oh. See what I did? I do. I'm very sneaky.

Where's all the faces? Like the presidents.

Well, math is hard.

Um, oh, on the 19th, we can't give you the park. We have a Spring Spectacular free ice cream giveaway. I misspoke. Yeah, it's May 20. That is free. Okay. Thanks. End of world. May 20th.