Baby Sprinkle

Well, I lit a patchouli candle, so hopefully it'll... calm your chi.

Somebody decided to do a synchronized swimming routine at 2am.

Something to do with her husband's heart. - Oh, well, hope it clears itself up. - Yeah, well, it won't. That's the problem. - Well, you never know. - Well, I do.

Sounds very dark.

Roland's been trying to help me, offered off his movie posters, you know, but I just don't think that 'The Pelican Brief' is festive enough for a baby shower.

Yeah, I mean, somebody like you, or you.

What just happened?

Okay um, but wouldn't it make more sense to offer a discount for people not dining alone?

A 2-for-1 discount for 2 singles eating together. That's it, that's the winner. Yay!

Oh my god, what are you doing here? - Oh. - Okay, so... me, Albany, Jitney, and Candy, we just needed to get away from the city for a bit, and so Vice put out this guide to the most random cities in North America, and we were like, lets him 'em.

This is where you live, isn't it? I'm so sorry I didn't put that together, it's like I completely forgot about you.

Oh my god, I'm obsessed with your look. You look just like a small-town waitress! Beep!

Actually you know what I would love like a hot water, but if you could just let it sit so it cools, I just need to know that it was once hot. Sorry, I'm the worst.

Albany literally makes me wanna kill myself.

Sweetie, no, I didn't order that.

See you tonight, babe. See you tonight, babe. Hm. Hm.

Mature Adults Dating Lovers, Yes!

Well, we could peek in on the experience like group voyeurs, but it would be much more educational for both of you if you would let me immerse you in it.

Well, lucky for us, this lock has already found its key. - You'd be surprised. - Would I?

I just have to ask, before the event, will you grant me access to your most intimate sounds? - No. But we'll play the game.

Well, um, Jocelyn came in here this morning looking like Adam Sandler on a red carpet.

Well, typically the person who throws the shower, pays for the shower. - Well, that wasn't part of the agreement. - Well, what did you say to her? - I told her I'd take care of it. - Ah!

Oh, so it's more of a sprinkle, then. - What the hell is a sprinkle? - No, it's like a shower, but for your second kid. It's not a full shower, it's like a sprinkle.

That is the stupidest (bleep) thing I have ever heard.

Yeah, well, she's one person, and everyone knows you don't plan a whole party around one person. - Maybe you do, if the party is for her. - Says who?

This is why I hate babies!

So it would be you, and my dad's ex-wife. But don't worry about her, she's two years younger than us, and like super chill.

Hey, pack your bags, bitch! You're getting' out!

I know you're gonna find this hard to believe, but she predicted that I would meet a woman with shoulder-length blonde hair, and red lipstick. - Telepathic, was she? - And tremendously specific!

Maybe I'll spend the night sometime. At the motel, I mean. - Oh, oh, oh.

I thought I would what I could to get a jumpstart on the decorations.

Maybe to the garbage?

I'm sorry, is that supposed to be a baby? - Yeah, it's pretty realistic, isn't it? I got it at the dollar store in Elmdale. I didn't even have to pay for it, honey. They just gave it to me.

Yeah, don't think we can smash a baby with a stick tonight, but...

Gonna stop you right there. I will literally do anything for us to not play that game.

Oh my gosh, it is so fun! We played it at Mutt's baby shower! Basically, you melt different chocolate bars into different diapers, and then people take turns guessing...

I am ready.

Uh, no, that there is grandpa's ashes, and no, you cannot move it, it's bolted down. There's been a lot of urn thefts lately.

Where do I put this (bleep) thing?

I work in ad sales and can drive at night.

I know that sounds like an odd thing to mention, but it does separate me from the crowd.

Yes, we have, but here, locks sadly are defective.

Often times in these situations, I ask a participant to go within, and to reflect why she might be having trouble connecting.

Now mommy's had a very hard day with baby, and needs a bit of a break. And that's where we come in. We're each gonna take turns popping pills into mommy's mouth.

Now unfortunately, these are breath mints, we couldn't afford actual benzo's

You invented it. We played it a lot growing up. - Oh! I can't remember playing. - That's because we got very good at it.

I remember Alexis got one in from across the room once.

I'm sorry, reset. What are we talking about?

Breaking news, we still (bleep) hate her.