Johnny Rose

Immigration? - Revenue. Mrs. Rose! There are people here from the government!

Yes, I bought that as a joke for my son. Wait, you actually purchased that town? Yes, I purchased the town. How else could I get the deed?

You could've photoshopped the deed! And saved the money! Why would I Photoshop a deed? The joke was owning the town!

Roland, could you get the fuck out?

There's a pharmacy worth of drugs wearing off on most of us right now

Oh, brisket!

What the hell does that have to do with privacy? Nothing. I just got mad and I took your doors.

I took your earrings out of here and I put them in my shoe. For safekeeping.

Is it blood? No! There's... there is leak in the ceiling.

What are you wearing? What is that? A nightgown? / It's a nightshirt, David.

Oh my God, that's who I was thinking of. / My best to Bob Cratchit.

This bell is broken. / Yeah, sorry. It's more or less decorative.

I'd rather drink the pipe-water. / I hear ya.

Rub my back. / What?! No. / I rubbed your back many a nights when you were little. / Yeah, in exchange for half my allowance.

You know, because of the humiliating... / Yes, we know. We know. We know.

I need to confer with the financial powerhouse of the family.

Son of a bitch!

Davis, you've got nothing on tonight. / How... how do you know that. / What do you have on tonight? / What?

It's a dance. And sometimes you lead. and sometimes you follow. / And which are you doing now, John?

Following in the game but leading in the dance, right? And he thinks he's leading in the dance, but only because I've allowed him to think...

Apparently the plumber's in rehab.

David, for the gate party tonight is it more of a leather pants thing or... / Son of a bitch!

Johnny pointing out the suggestive positioning on the town sign

Yeah, and my horoscope says, why don't you go in and help your mother!

You want the smooth under eyes of a 16-year-old, get a job!

Colostomy bag pants!

It looks like your great grandfather's (Bleep) your great grandmother right up the ass!

This is worse. This is much worse!

This is worse. This is much worse!

Now you come into the room.

We sent them to the best boarding schools, we hired the best nannies... We did everything right.

No, Johnny, they had to guess which one was the truth. / Mm... which one was the lie. / It's just-it's just one lie. / You said two lies. / No, it's- / No, the game is 'two truths and a lie.' / It's truth. / That's the game. / Well, yeah, because babies play that at their birthday parties.

Emma. Your middle name is 'Emma.' / Is it? / I'm sorry! No, Hannah. / I'm embarrassed for you. / Elspeth. / No! / I think it's Elspeth. / It isn't! / I should know! / Wow.

I'm sorry! No, Hannah... I think it's Elspeth.

'having sex is not just about making children so they can grow up and make you feel bad about having sex'

'Key's under the mat, is it? The key is under the mat! Agh! That's great! Lying son-of-a...'

Key's under the mat, is it? The key is under the mat! Agh! That's great! Lying son-of-a... Agh! Idiot man! Moron!

'I think that's his wife.' / 'No, they're both called husband.'

they just don't know any better

'this is our cabin.' / 'Oh, no, no, no. This is Roland and Jocelyn's cabin.' / 'No, they're a mile up the road.'

Johnny excitedly answers the phone 'Hello, Johnny Rose. Hello? Hello?' followed by confusion when no one responds

Johnny frantically yelling 'There's something wrong with the phones!' while everyone scrambles to patch the call around

Alexis casually tells the important business caller 'No, sorry, you have the wrong room. He's actually in room 6' and hangs up

Moira: 'You called it liquid stink this morning.' Johnny: 'The whites seem less stinky.'

Johnny critiquing wine terminology: 'Peachafication!' Who uses a word like 'peachafication'? A moron... would use that.'

Johnny complaining about the tote bag: 'But seriously, how cheap ass is that bag?' followed by Moira's disgusted reaction to handling it

You have to open your eyes to get it in the bag! Ugh! Good. Ugh!

Johnny's film knowledge pretension on set: 'What uh... what kind of lens are we using here?' 'Any primes? Using any primes?'

Johnny's onset interference causing him to be sent home: 'You're making me nervous. And apparently you're making everyone nervous.'

Moira's drunken door opening method: 'How did you open the door?' 'I threw a shoe.'

Johnny's confession about being drunk on Sunrise Bay: 'You were drunk most of season three... And half of season four... End of season five.'

Johnny's motivational speech: 'You're radiant. You're beguiling. You're daytime television's brightest star!'

That's not dirt. I used it to kill a bug.

Oh... alcoholism. / Tsk, tsk. Affair. Poor thing.

Don't even think about it. Ain't gonna happen. Ted, not on the first date.

So Antonio's buffet, huh? So many choices, one little plate.

I wanna say Tanya Harding.

Where does a 92-year-old woman need to go?!

I think you've gotta raise that masculinity bar just... just a little.

Lawnmower exchange with Roland not hearing

Roland's increasingly demanding truck conditions

Ain't she a beaut? / Boy, is she ever, Bob.

a little peccadillo of mine when I'm buying a car, I like to experience the car one on one

driving down that highway of life / feelin' fine and feelin' sunny / going to pick me up some money

Car breakdown with Johnny's escalating profanity

The unemployment office! / Jeez pal, your business is your business. I don't know why you're telling me!

The unemployment office! Okay? I'm applying for unemployment. Jeez pal, your business is your business. I don't know why you're telling me!

Get some money? / I need a cheque, preferably today. Ideally in the next few minutes

All my life. / And your reason for being out of work? / I sold my business, and I got screwed by my business manager.

I employed people, hundreds of people. / You see, and now I'm unemployed.

And, may I say, doing a fantastic job.

Oh well, didn't he tell you about the job he was doing for me? / You didn't tell her? / Well, that's important information, Mr. Rose.

Well um, one day, and that day may never come, I may call upon you to perform a function. / Marlon Brando! / Yes, but from what movie? / The Godfather. / No, it's the one where he's the big mafia guy. / The Godfather!

Well um, one day, and that day may never come, I may call upon you to perform a function. Marlon Brando! Yes, but from what movie? The Godfather. No, it's the one where he's the big mafia guy. The Godfather!

Why don't you just get me a little wiper fluid, and we'll call it even, okay? And also maybe a Kleenex caddy? I've always wanted one of those. That's funny! It is, but I'm not joking.

Oh Johnny, I told you not to take 'er on the highway. / Yeah, I'm sorry, Bob

I'll knock twenty bucks off. / You couldn't get twenty bucks for scrap! / All right, thirty bucks! / How about zero bucks?! / I wouldn't give you a dime for this! / Johnny, you're killing me here! / Fifty bucks!

I'll throw in a couple of floor mats, but that's my final offer! / Walking!

You broke into his cabin and had sex while he and his wife were in the next room.

Oh... That's Bob.

Yeah, yeah, we're just talking about my back, sweetheart.

Shouldn't bother Carl.

Ooh, wow. Ugh. Yikes! That's... That hurts today.

C-C-Chris- Carl.

And I him. Yeah. And I him.

I clam up pret-pretty good.

You smell... very flammable right now.

and now... lying... very, very close to me.

And yet, for Carl, pretty much an all-consuming thing at this point.

And-and he loved the feel of big tool in his hand, am I right, Bob?

when Carl was spinning around on that ceiling fan that he was so very proud of

Well... I-I am here to talk about dying in Schitt's Creek! I'm here to talk about the misery of our lives here and how we might never escape this place, and how we do not wanna end up in a coffin, like Carl, here in this... godforsaken-

You know where I got my hat, brah? Where? 'Assholes' R 'Us'.

So, who's pig do we have to slaughter to get an invite?

Are you in danger? Blink, if you're in danger.

Well, I, uh... I've got everything I need. Good seeing you both.

Well, now I don't remember. Yeah, I don't remember.

You know, the more I think about it, the more I wonder whether David's whole sexually adventurous thing was just a phase. It's not a phase.

I just wanna wipe my hands all over that! You just keep getting funnier. I'm not joking though, I really do.

My son is pansexual. I've heard of that. I know what that is, that's, uh, that cookware fetish.

But, you know, just pick one gender, and stick with it. Maybe everything would've been less... Confusing.

Not the fact that you're sleeping with a girl, but, you know, I'd be just as happy if you were to bring home one of your guy friends.

Grass, too much grass. Hey, track that cycle, missy!

Moira, the woman dates dive-bar owners, okay? Let her insult us.

So this is it? After all that? And we paid for the dinner.

She missed a zero. Moira, she missed a zero or two.

Your sister is a cheap-ass.

No, her birthday is the second weekend in May. / That's Mother's Day, honey. / I don't think so.

Maybe Roland's house. / Listen to the words coming out of your mouth.

Oh, snap, David! Talk to the hand, son, because the ears are no longer working.

Cancel your trip, Alexis, because the travel agent is out of the office.

Well, tempting, but it's gotta be something fancy and elegant. You know, black tie.

Roland's entire confused conversation about understanding the plan

There is no fundraiser! / Right. No fundraiser. / It's pretend! / Pretend. It's fun time.

Oh, my God, I raised a thief. Go wait in the car!

Told you I'd sell this town. Didn't I tell you? / Yes. Not to diminish your accomplishment, but you did say that a handful of times. / I think eight, to be exact.

I outbid Richard Branson for it at the Kaminski auction.

I mean, who would do such a thing? / I mean, that's something you would do. / No, no. That's not something I would do. / And I can't deal with another you.

The douchebag is right here.

So, what you're saying is he got a little short with you? / You, uh, weren't quite seeing eye to eye?

Talk to the hand, son, because I've gotta watch a pig eat.

Roland and Johnny frantically trying to get Andy to sign while unconscious

People do come out of comas. / Oh, I'd kill for a good coma right now.

You had a room full of brown bags back home, which brown bag?!

That's an ostrich bag.

That's, very considerate, because I know you and David had a... Intimate uh, relationship.

But you know Alexis will! Yeah, more than once, probably.

statistics tell us you have a 48 hour window before you can assume somebody is dead. Yeah, I just said it's been three days. Then do we call off the search?

I imagine it's customary for strangers to partake in a good, old fashioned amish lunch? Not always.

But do you, David?

if that's the way you remember things, sweetheart, that's...

If you had anything to offer.

Bob, you told me you had a sweet little office space, okay, and frankly, working out of a garage is not what I had in mind.

An office! You know, a chair, for starters!

They're Japanese graphic novels. It's called Manga. / Oh, well, that sounds like a... Lucrative career choice.

Not bad. Not bad, you two! Not bad at all!

How is it that a moth can find its way into a triple locked titanium suitcase?! - The perils of owning cashmere.

Alexis hasn't been here for a week and a half. She's at Mutt's. - Well, that's simply not true. I had breakfast with her just yesterday. - That was me!

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry, I don't work here. - Oh... that's-'cause you're behind the desk, and everything.

Oh yeah, no, I mean I 'work' here, but I don't actually work 'here'... in the garage. I mean, I am working here in the garage, but I don't work for the garage.

Hey Johnny, I just went out and got me a muffin. - Bob, a customer was just in here, and he was saying he had a problem with a muffler. - Oh yeah? What uh, what'd it end up being? - Well, I don't know, I didn't go out and look! - Oh?

Well, I don't expect you to know everything, but you know, if a client of yours came in here, I'd certainly talk to them. - Well, I hope you wouldn't.

That's because I'm building a business, Bob. And right now I'm in strategy mode, looking for opportunities, and eventually I will implement a plan.

Well, first of all Bob, that's not the expression.

You got some clients, that's great news! - No, I was dealing with your customers!

You know, I'm playing the guy like a bow fiddle.

Who's Dick Simpson? - I couldn't tell 'ya. But Dick Sinson is the fella whose car you just sold.

Ridiculous name! - Sin-Sinson... Sinson! Dick Sin-Sinson!

John, do you think they did this with our things? No, not ours, no. They put our stuff right on the lawn.

(Bleep!)

Bob, you're in the room.

I'd kill for a bagel, but I haven't seen one bagel since I got to this town.

But boy, do you all love your bagels! I mean I do too, and I'm not even uh... Jewish. You can say it, Bob.

Bob want us to meet. Bob wants us to meet?! Yeah, may I sit? No, no.

Well, the good news is that mattress is covering up the cracked toilet seat.

I have a feeling if you want peonies, Moira, you're gonna have to plant them yourself.

Look at us, son, a couple of working stiffs back from the salt mines. - What?! - Two men, back from the mines.

The salt mines! Back from when people mined. When miners worked in the, salt industry, they'd come home, after digging... salt. I don't know what it means!

There's nothing in here. - Really? - Yeah. - Oh, I must've taken the last one.

I mean, you got this job all on your own, nobody had to make a call, nobody got involved, nobody had to... pay somebody off. - What?

Well, word to the wise, son, don't... spend all your money at once. - I thought you weren't getting involved. - No, I'm not. I'm not, I'm just saying, word to the wise, is all.

Okay, what does 'word to the wise' even mean? Word to the wise. When you're... speaking to somebody wise, you lis... you're cognizant of what they're saying. A wise person telling you... Anyway, just-just uh, keep that in mind

It's like a birthday streamer. You-you-it stretches, and then, and then you pull it, and it just snaps, okay?

That's why I came in with something funny.

Uh yeah, it's when you buy something for your business and the government pays you back for it. - Oh, and who pays for it? - Nobody, you write it off.

Who writes it off?! - I don't know, the govern... The 'write off' people!

Weren't those here before? - There was literally nothing here. It was a wasteland.

Oh, there's the condom right there, David. - Ew! Eww!

What's the word I'm trying to think of? / Well, let's hope we don't find it, okay?

I could say something pretty inappropriate right now. / Well, I'm hoping you don't. / No, but I could, that's a real set up.

If I didn't know any better, I might think you had a crush on me! / Well, that's... That's funny.

Okay, gotta go, Bob.

Well, everyone knows everyone here, because there's only one restaurant.

Well, your son is 30, and you never see him.

You signed under 'Date.' / Yeah, like that's going to make a difference.

So the two of them on council together? / Is there a more frightening thought?

They would have a virtual monopoly on this town. / Well, don't they already?

I thought it would be me, but then you talked me out of it! But that's okay!

Well, it can't be, Moira, there's a woman in cargo shorts.

Hah! You are a hit!

maybe you're used to being on the wrong side of the law, but I for one am not going to prison.

Right, okay Bob, I'll keep it on the down low.

your trail of discarded boyfriends, Alexis, is making it very difficult to get anything done in this world.

The twelve 'things' of milk?

When the weather's good.

Well, how's that for timing! We both stepped out exactly together.

There's a button missing on your jacket. What? Oh ew, you poor thing.

I just had to use my unemployment check this month to pay for all the raw milk that 'we' ordered.

Like when you were taking your harpsichord lessons, and I would drive you. I was seven.

Well, I was trying to give you a hug. I-I get the gesture. I should've undone the seatbelt.

My button! Things are looking up!

My deepest condolences? I know things have been tough lately, but I'm here for you, and hope this helps. Love, Alexis.

Was there supposed to be something in here? In where? In the card. What do you mean? Oh, it's just the card.

Those two are not as simple minded as we thought. He is.

Needless to say, that was the last time I played charades with Fran Leibovitz.

No, I was just talking someone over there who has a husband. A male husband.

Moira, I have a feeling not every woman here is a lesbian.

Black? No. I mean that everyone was leaning... Younger?

I am very comfortable seeing women with other women. - Uh-huh. - Yeah, that didn't come out right.

that I am very comfortable seeing women with other women.

Oh, the dip was incredible, really, for men and women.

Oh, there's a woman in here Who couldn't afford a Persian rug, so she painted one on her tiled floor. The magazine is celebrating her ingenuity! Well, it sounds like a creative solution. A creative solution would be a lobotomy to make one forget they like nice things.

The entire Rose family chaos with banging, yelling, and confusion over loud music

No, they look like they usually look, Moira. So now my eyes are usually puffy!

Roland! What are you doing here? Well, we're, uh, doing some renos on the uh, house, so we're gonna shack up here until they're all done.

Now, whatever you and the missus do after hours, that's your business, not mine. On the walls Roland, with our fists! And if you're into that kind of stuff, that doesn't bother me at all.

You said 'renovations.' Yes... renovations, because our basement flooded!

All right, John. I... I drink a little too much tea sometimes. And that's it for you? You uh... You drink tea?

That would only be after you've taken that condescending father tone with me. Father tone? There it is.

But only when you act like a big child! I act like a child? Yes John, and now is not the time for you to throw one of your tantrums!

That's another thing Mr. Rose, you never finish your fights. Oh, this one's finished!

Sad sack-y today. Sad sack-y?

It was actually the first song that we ever made... Okay, I really don't need the details on that.

No. I was gonna say sensitive. Oh, sensitive. Especially when I wanna do something on my own. Ohhh! Do you really think he's obnoxious and irritating?

But, on the other hand... maybe it's through your forgiveness that you teach him a lesson. Right, and... and the sooner you forgive him, then... then the better it's gonna be for... for you.

Yeah, I was worried Jocelyn didn't have enough signs up.

Fine. But if you're denying doing something you might have done and making me feel guilty... For accusing you of something you claim you didn't do...

Maybe.

Yes, your cologne is too strong.

That was a fun shakedown.

Well, first of all, I'd never get into the clothing business 'cause the margins are terrible...

I would take that in a second. It's a terrible name.

She accidentally, uh, threw them out.

Or... someone stole them and hid them in our garbage to try and sabotage Moira... to make it look like she's done something... really crazy.

Moira, Sunrise Bay was a soap opera. Yes, and this is reality.

Just 'cause I do my own nails doesn't mean, you know, I wouldn't go...

What would you like us to say? / Well, you could start by saying, 'Happy anniversary.'

If we're truth telling, the Bloomfields were always a little too friendly with one another.

You sound like the incestuous Bloomfields.

You wanna guess what your present is? / No, I do not. / Dinner!

That sounds too good to... what's the catch?

Boy, that was a close call.

Something more grand? / Ah, knowing your penchant for surprises, I'm guessing you have something else up your sleeve.

Because before you were saying that you didn't wanna go out tonight, so... / No, no, we-we uh... / You can certainly join us, if you don't have your own table.

Very nice, it's got plenty of parking, and a TV in every room. / Oh, how many bedrooms? / Ten. Ten bedrooms!

That must be a nightmare to clean! / Um, Stevie does an adequate job. / Stevie's one of your staff? / Stevie's the only staff.

The joke is I'm sitting here in a half decent restaurant with my wife... and our friends... And all you two have done is complain about the food, and pretend that you didn't leave us high and dry after we lost everything.

Roland and Jocelyn here, could not have been more generous with what little they have. They found us a place to live, they've offered us their truck whenever we've needed it. They've invited us to their parties, they even offered to take us out to dinner tonight.

And that town you passed through, it's not called Schittsville. It's called Schitt's Creek. And it's where we live.

Okay, this is not okay! What are you guys doing here?! / Shhh, Alexis! For once in your life Shhhh!

I don't care what snarky remarks you kids are gonna make under your breath, tonight we are dancing as a family.

Do you know your father and I hold great affection for the two of you? It may not always be obvious, but... Just say it, Moira! We love you both very much.

I see uh, David's made you feel right at home.

Is that term still a going thing? - No, that's no. - No, never say that again. - Don't do that.

If you take half as much care of our son as you do your physique, David should be in very good hands.

This isn't 'Sunrise Bay,' where everybody lives in a perfect dream world!

well then, just call me Johnnymichael.

Um yeah, I would love to order something else, but I'm just having trouble... seeing the menu. Yeah, so um... if we could somehow make it brighter in here?

David, is he here to s...

David, what should we do? Should we be walking ahead, how far ahead should we be walking?

Yes, Twyla, I think I'll have the eggs, and brown toast, over easy, The eggs, not the toast.

Well, I went whitewater rafting, Oh no, well, that'll do it, I mean... Anyway, it's fine now. Yesterday it was this stabbing pain, but today it's more like a really intense throbbing.

Maybe I can get the kitchen to whip up a fresh batch of eggs for us volunteers.

You'll get your dressing on the salad, like everyone else.

Or will you be taking turns?

Joking when you're way too busy, trying to tell you how they want their food cooked. I've experienced a bit of that myself.

Is that a spreadsheet? / Yes, yes, it is.

We don't even have the car yet! / Okay, we're just trying to work within your schedule.

and Fridays, it's strip crib. / Well, thank God it's not Friday. / Well, we can pretend.

But you don't have any money. / Oh, I know I don't have any money, but I need to look like I don't have money.

Well, I don't remember the 'Everything Be Irie' bumper sticker.

Yes, especially with this being our first ever purchase of an automobile. / Yes, it's our first car, let's hope we can afford it.

Well, if you're identical, I thought you'd both be valuable. / Yes, wouldn't you? She wasn't born yet. / 'Til three minutes later, and the Bratva work very quickly.

Or perhaps we might have to take our business to a dealership that sells brand new cars. / As you can see, we can't even afford her meds right now.

David saying his expired license is 'fine' when asked if he has it

The detailed recounting of David's multiple driving test failures

Moira asking David to drive after just learning his license is expired

Moira saying 'It's fine' about her wallet/license in the exact same deflective way David did

Stevie's sobbing interrupting Johnny and Moira's complaint about the faucet

Johnny's wounded response: 'Well, I didn't realize I had a downtick, Moira'

Johnny's 'temporary fix' being a sandwich bag secured with an elastic

Johnny's business advice: 'when that idea comes, it's going to appear so obvious' followed immediately by Stevie's practical suggestion about charging full price

Johnny's pivot from first to 'second or third idea' being the keeper

Moira's confession: 'You didn't get the money, did you?' followed by elaborate excuse about robbing Johnny of necessity

Ray advising against partnering with someone with 'no capital, no contacts, no industry experience'

Johnny's 'fixed' tap now making the hot water come out of the cold tap

The tap can't be turned off and is burning Alexis's hand

Johnny's proud declaration 'See? No drip' while chaos ensues around broken faucet

My associate usually works the computer, But uh... let's get you booked.

Are you new at this? / Ish. (Laughs)

Your new partner just booked three rooms, before you even got in this morning. / Wow. Ha!

So you're renting our rooms by the hour?! / We haven't had a guest in four days!

But when it turns out I'm right, and it's just a group of business professionals decompressing for a few hours, during a... long day at a regional accountants' conference, then I expect a full apology.

You don't hear it, when you say it like that? / I hear it a bit.

And that's something we didn't discuss. / And?

A convoluted metaphor, but um...

Who's Ken? / Well, Ken is probably her husband. / Uh huh, and she doesn't know what he looks like?

Well, you know what, I'm glad I helped you fix your uh, broken moral compass. / Well, there's nothing wrong with my moral compass, but... / All right, well, why don't we tell Kitty that?

A weekend of golf, and a stay at a luxurious motel. What motel is that? I'm gonna let them work out the verbiage

I might even let you drive the cart. - Can you drink on the cart? - Yeah. Well, I will get the "back in 15 minutes" sign.

Well, it's gonna take longer than 15 minutes. You have to give people hope.

Right, okay, so just first off, spread your legs just a little wider, if you would, for me. There, see, Stevie? They've gotta be like, sort of even with the shoulders, and if you would just pop the old tush... Just go, Bam!

Are you using the Vargon grip? I'm using La Va Grande.

Yeah, this is just a little hard to understand, so I want a record of it. Okay, delete that, please! Can I get a copy of that?

Uh, we were playing at um... it was what course, Stevie? It was down the road. Uh, Maple... Grove? Grove, Maple Grove.

Uh, we were playing at um... it was what course, Stevie? It was down the road. Uh, Maple... Grove? Grove, Maple Grove.

Maple Grove? No, I don't know that one. Oh, really? It's a beautiful course. Very exclusive, Uh, but it is set... way back off the road, it's... Which might explain why you've never seen or heard of it.

Very exclusive, Uh, but it is set... way back off the road, it's... Which might explain why you've never seen or heard of it.

Wait a minute, we were at the graduation! Yeah! I know, but I wasn't. We saw you there! Did we, though? Yeah. We were there, we might not have stayed through the "R's," I think we left halfway through the "L's."

we might not have stayed through the "R's," I think we left halfway through the "L's." Oh, yeah, it got very repetitive.

Then how do you explain this graduation photo? Huh? That's Jess Chang! What? Jess Chang? Well, who can tell with all this hair in front of your face? That's not my face!

I will not relive that bullying nightmare... She doesn't mean you, Alexis... That's the heartbreaking part, He was so blissfully unaware.

No, no, no, a continental breakfast, just pastries and coffee. No coffee.

Oh, I wouldn't expect you to make the coffee. No, I make coffee, but only for myself.

You say, he's a good man, hard worker, never hurt no one. Well, I wouldn't lead with that but uh...

What's continental about that? It's for business travelers, travelling the continent, eating breakfast, and... continental travelling.

Continental breakfast explanation getting more confused

Not the point!

Day-old buns added a star to our rating

tweet us on Facebook!

If they're at the motel using the coasters, they don't need to know where the motel is.

A hashtag? Is that two words?

which is why it was super upsetting when she said it wasn't good. - She what? - Yeah, she said it was bad.

did she... happen to say anything about that quote from Lee lacocca?

with an unrecognizable accent, and scary-looking attire.

Because I wasn't around to help you cheat back then, and I regret it!

is it really plagiarism to take something your dad wrote, and put it in your paper, and claim it as your own? Yes, that's exactly what it is.

you're better... 'than' that. / Okay, I'm better then that. / Not better then that, better... than that.

I would love to read this economics paper.

Ah, see, and that's precisely why we have the sign-out sheet.

Under purpose of trip he writes 'driving.'

Moira, that's my beer! You don't even drink beer!

My wife would never go out for a burger when she has a strong penchant for steak.

Now act like you're talking to me. / I am talking to you. / No. Not like that. It's got to be more conversational.

Tell him that we're doing something together tonight, okay? Tell him... you're taking me for a haircut tonight. / Haircut?

I wouldn't mind playing, Bob. / Really?

Full house. Read 'em and weep. / And I think I come in second because I got a pair of Queens. / There's no second place, Roland.

And I think I come in second because I got a pair of Queens. There's no second place, Roland.

But ah, I do miss my wristwatch.

Ahhh. Like if she had an 'accident' or something? / I don't mean bump her off, Roland.

Kosher? / And halal. / Gwen, you called it!

I don't think you want to drive, Roland. / I don't mind. I love driving. / I don't think you do. / Yeah, I don't love driving. Not at night. No! / And I'm drunk.

Well, Uh... You thought we were cheating? / No! No... I / No offense, but I don't need to cheat to beat any of you.

Those aren't for you. / How's that watch working out for you? / I love it. Thanks.

Some of our guests prefer morning and evening sheets.

Your hair's in a ponytail, that's fantastic... gives the neck a chance to breathe

I could've sworn I heard you say change the sheets.

28.

Oh, and I checked your hairbrush and it is fine.

Maybe move some wigs.

enormous strength of this family.

It's always better to go under. Go under? No. When it comes to expectations It's always to go under than over.

Every Rose video we opened had fireworks. Day or night. People love pizzazz.

Does that mean we get a 50 percent discount?

She paid extra for that.

we could cut our faces out and make four smaller, individual portraits.

We, we didn't forget. - No, we've been talking about it for weeks. - You've been talking about it for weeks.

They can't say we didn't try.

Have you tried restarting it? - What? - Oh. Sorry, I thought you were having trouble with the computer again.

I don't think we're those kind of people. - In the sky! Here we go! Yeah! Big day!

You're Damien Steele? - Shh! Come on, I don't want the whole town to find out.

the mayor of the town can't use his real name to check into a love motel. - Yeah, it's not a love motel, Roland.

if you know what I mean. - Yeah, you just told me what you mean.

If you catch my drift. - Yeah, I caught your drift when you told me what you mean.

'Happy day Alex and Davis'. - We've done the best we can.

Big waves! Big waves! Oh yes. Yes, tidal waves of prosperity are crashing down, all around us.

Hey partner, what's the good word? There's a dead guy in Room 4.

Okay, I think it's a little early for humor, Stevie.

Well, I don't quite see the relevance in that question, Moira, the man is dead.

It feels like every time the motel sells out, someone dies. Uh, we've only sold out one night. Exactly.

It'll take day just to re-box your mother's wigs.

I wouldn't trust Roland with a set of chopsticks, let alone a dead body!

Hmm.

And what kind of kid doesn't like rocks?

Maybe he'll even get to take one home. Ooh.

but there is a fee for not attending, so you'll be paying for it either way.

but there is a fee for not attending, so you'll be paying for it either way.

We thought it was festive in a... Scandinavian sort of way.

Well, that makes sense. You're all staying at the motel.

We're not in Vegas, here.

It's a pregnancy test. / Ewww! What?!

Well, it's a smiley face, so I'm assuming it's a positive result. / Well, that's presumptuous

Oh, are you serious? I was ready to stop after one!

Yes, I'll tell her she has no right to lay this financial and psychological burden on us!

Now she has to move into one of those homes for unwed mothers! / Oh my God, imagine? / I'm sure there are plenty of them on this side of the tracks. Let the nuns take care of the little stranger!

Look out!

Besides wanting to keep me as your husband? Am I right, Johnny? / Oh, I need to be a part of this

Dad's trying to get me to drop out of college. / No, that's not what was happening! I-I thought we were talking about something else. / What else? / Oh, he thought you were pregnant

David, Alexis isn't... / No, it's okay. I mean, have your fun now David, because when the twins arrive, I'm gonna really need your help. / Um, that's a hard pass

Roland, what are you talking about? Well, you are gonna be thanking me pretty soon for saving your bacon, so I just thought I'd give you some gift ideas.

Johnny, it's me! I'm the guy! I know you're the guy, I got that as soon as I said where's the guy?

Beer fridge reveal and Roland's casual setup

Would that staff member be you? Yes, it would. I'm gonna have 'em after lunch.

Not the movie! This!

Well they're not from me, Moira. 'Sorry for your loss. She was really something.'

That's what you think is sad?

Yeah... but are we?

No, from Casino. / Okay, fine. It wasn't Casino, Brando wasn't in Casino

Roland asked if you wanted to be godfather to the baby. Yes! He has been asking everybody to be the godparent. You're the 3rd person I've had to talk to today, so.

Roland asked if you wanted to be godfather to the baby. / Yes! / He has been asking everybody to be the godparent. You're the 3rd person I've had to talk to today, so.

Enough, David.

Four whole months, David. / How 'bout that?

Carnies are people too.

Perhaps it's this nay-saying reticence that caused your past relationships to... Fall apart. / ... oxidize. / Oxidize.

Cut to, I've ruined my sliders! / Cut to, how does this thing work?

It's basically the only service we provide.

so I delegated the rest of the cleaning to Roland.

♪ impo-o-o-ose ♪

And, there she is! Hot off the presses! Alexis Rose. Why is there a line through it? Oh, toner must be low.

This certificate reminds me of the one you were awarded for getting your braces off. Now that was a grand day.

Pubic relations. - What? - No. - Oh my god, give me that!

Well, this is the second month. I won it last month, took myself out for lunch.

I'm kidding. It's a little incentive for a job well done.

Aren't you forgetting something? - Uh, I just... just don't know how to thank you. - Oh, that smile on your face is all I need.

I'm getting flashbacks of David attempting a 3-pointer.

Well, lucky for us, this lock has already found its key. - You'd be surprised. - Would I?

You invented it. We played it a lot growing up. - Oh! I can't remember playing. - That's because we got very good at it.

Um, who taught you rollout? - May have been me. Sorry.

Well I can't pull the account, because it's part of the rollout.

So, I may be looking elsewhere when it comes time for the pop-out store.

This is the last thing we need in the middle of a rollout!

No one at the counter! Who runs a business like this? Anyone could just walk in here and shoplift.

You realize you're gonna have to talk to Patrick and tell him that you two are gonna have to take a bit of a breather when it... comes to... - Ew! - You know, could be contagious.

And here you were this morning, acting like you were doing us a favour with the rollout.

Well, we're gonna have to roll it back in.

Well, does the vendor have a sense of humor, because this is a good one!

Remember the conversation we were having this morning about you know, the rash? Well, it turns out it wasn't the moisturizer, it was poison oak.

I didn't. You're the one who put his phone on silent. Because you didn't know how to

Oh, hold on, Gwen, uh, Roland just pulled in, and hammer's about to drop.

Roland, Jocelyn's in labor. What? Wh-when did she, why didn't she call me? I gotta call her. I need my phone. I can't... Where's my phone? I can't find my phone?

Is a little harsh, but he's definitely slippery, I'll give ya that. I'm standing right here, Bob

Wake me when it's over.

somebody needs to find the menorah

An... espresso machine. - You're selling coffee now? - Hmm... it's more for the staff room.

You're not helping, Moira.

Who's going out crashing other people's Christmas parties?

It's meatloaf night at the cafe, and if anything is screaming Christmas to me right now, it's meatloaf.

meatloaf night was yesterday. - Dear God, I...

I could've sworn it was Wednesdays. - It's always been Tuesdays.

it can, at times, be quite peaceful. - Well, it wasn't too peaceful this afternoon, I'm sorry to say.

You still thinking about that espresso machine, aren't ya? - Yes. Yes, I am.

I'd appreciate my invitation about a week in advance, okay? - Well, if I have things my way, we'll be making this an annual tradition, so you can save the date now. - No, that's way too far in advance, I can't make that kinda commitment.

What, it's just nice. Nothing's happening. - Looks like you're crying. - Oh well, I'm not. It's just we're... - We ran out of red!

A bomb? - No, it's an antique tin. - For your wig pins.

Smaller, smaller, smaller.

Stickers! - Of old men! - No, they're stamps, from all over the world.

Last thing we want is to have the motel burn down. - Or is it?

Kids! Your mother's on the phone, and it's her first day on set, so let's all make sure we keep her spirits high, okay?

She-she's not my mother. - Who are those voices? - Uh, your children!

Oh Alexis, do you have strep again? - That was David!

Alexis points out 'She already hung up' when Johnny says goodbye

Alexis says 'Oh! Burn, Dad!' followed by David's 'Oh my God that's so embarrassing, you must feel ridiculous'

Nobody drinks that rocket fuel, Mr. Rose. - I know it tastes like something I found in that gutter out there, but uh... it's the pick-me-up I need

Eight days, Stevie. That's the longest we've gone without seeing each other.

No. It was after she got thrown upwards through a skylight.

No one will ever accuse you of being vanilla again. / Who's saying that?

You've gotta stop with the Johnny business, okay? And secondly, I am the Manager.

What are you doing, buying a wedding dress?

Johnny discovering ice cold water after Moira's elaborate bathroom ritual

I've come up with the perfect excuse for you to buy yourself a brand new hot water heater! / Still waiting for the good news.

Yeah, it might be Johnny's aftershave. I'm-I'm sorry, it is pungent.

Okay, I'm trying to follow the video here, it says it's for beginners.

Well, not all of us can drive around in an 8 cylinder car. / It's a '78 Lincoln, and it's all we could afford! / Right, '78. Vintage.

They're not going to ask someone of your age, John. / We raised two kids. / 'Raised' might be a stretch.

Our nursery was in a different wing of the house. / It was a design flaw. / I'm a light sleeper.

I told you, it's a playpen, Moira. / I was hoping you were joking.

Roland and Jocelyn don't think we can take care of a kid. / That's an argument I'm willing to lose.

Yeah, we were there most weeknights. / For at least a couple of hours. / Unless we were out for the evening. / Yeah, or jetting around. / Or if it was a really long day.

Besides, if Roland can look after a baby, anyone can.

I've got him. I've got him, Jocelyn. / Well, I know why. It's because you don't trust the guy, and believe me, I don't either, but we're in this now, so...

Okay Johnny, just don't do anything I wouldn't do. / What?

You realize the bebe is crying. / I do, yes. / Isn't it scheduled to be dormant by now?

wipe counter-clockwise direction, ah... flip it, if you can flip it. / The baby?

Jocelyn's written, 'Spit happens.' / Very clever. / For Jocelyn.

Awful peaceful when he's sleeping.

it's clear from the stain on your top that things have gotten just a little lax around here

Fast forward! - Oh! - Jesus.

Right, well, it was, it was a medical uh, photo, and, and uh... and you what? You text or email this right back to your doctor, I mean, what a-what an age we live in!

I wish we had gotten to the second tape in the workplace etiquette series, that had a whole chunk on Polaroids.

just uh, maybe try and find a room with a locked door?

Well, I did just think of one thing. - Please don't! - It's more of a limerick.

Yeah... I'd say her friend responded.

Good taste in motels.

Well, I lost 80 pounds, I changed my diet, and I started taking Zumba classes. - Well, good for Zumba.

Try to treat good... have a nice room. Day! Day. Have a nice day in your room.

a whisper of desire

she's just going after whatever she wants, no holds barred! - Oh, well hopefully, some holds barred.

Oh, well hopefully, some holds barred.

Well, we're in it now, Alexis.

Well, it's always a thrill to experience a collection of nude photographs with a... a new friend.

experience a collection of nude photographs with a... a new friend

And ten years younger! - Than?

When I planned that Casablanca-themed party for your mother's 40th, I had to quarantine the camels for a month.

Not one of you knows how the 'Crows' movie ends. You told me the day you got home. You gave me the script.

How did it end again? Like, a crowmageddon? Crowpocalypse.

I asked you to mow the lawn three times, Roland, so you being here is more your decision than mine.

Oh, we do have a lot of fun around here, don't we? We do, sometimes.

Did you run here, Mr. Rose? No! Just a pleasant walk.

romantically in business with each other. Ew!

I mean, what do they think, I'm just his business partner?! Possibly. I mean, yeah.

Well, that sounds reasonable. What did I just say?!

There were seven of us, surprisingly, not a big turn-out, but uh, the Flying Latkes ended up in fourth place.

The Rabbi used to call me 'Popeye'.

Well, David holds the Little League record for most times hit by a ball. That's assuming it wasn't intentional.

I just wish I'd kept that helmet I got you.

The funeral... for your cat?

I'm her mother! / Yes, well that... / Yes, you are!

When I planned that Casablanca-themed party for your mother's 40th, I had to quarantine the camels for a month.

You told me the day you got home. / You gave me the script.

How did it end again? Like, a crowmageddon? / Crowpocalypse. But you didn't hear it from me.

I asked you to mow the lawn three times, Roland, So you being here is more your decision than mine.

Oh, we do have a lot of fun around here, don't we? / We do, sometimes.

But uh, I'll have to admit, I've been somewhat of a skeptic about those two. / This one isn't as progressive as the rest of us. It's a generational thing with him.

I was talking about the store, Roland. You know, mixing a business relationship and a romantic relationship, well, that's... it can get kinda tricky sometimes.

Did you run here, Mr. Rose? / No! Just a pleasant walk.

at one point Patrick was engaged ahem... to a woman, so...

romantically in business with each other

Possibly. / I mean, yeah.

Everybody calm down! Nobody say a word to anybody! / Well, that sounds reasonable. / What did I just say?!

Well, maybe you'd know, if you graduated elementary school

And boy, does he have a lot of gut to go with

And look at Bob, pretending to get it. And we all know Gwen, he hasn't gotten it in years!

Johnny's 'rippers' and 'starched sleeve' banter

a few tasty little rippers that are more palatable than anything Jocelyn's been serving up tonight

we all know if you've ever taken your car to Bob's Garage, he's not necessarily known 'four helpings' anyone

Which is what the town must've been thinking when Roland elected himself Mayor

Johnny's Roland Mayor election joke

The last time anyone saw her this happy was at a 3-for-1 sale on cargo pants!

which is what a car is supposed to do... unless you take it to Bob's Garage!

Which reminds me of the last time I was in Roland's bedroom, um... well, I-I wasn't in Roland's bedroom

like you did with your education

not smart enough to stop wearing sweaters in the middle of summer

That was low, like David's standards

Or the placement of Alexis' back tattoo

According to Mrs. Rose, our motel is the only place sad enough to pass for a pre-war Berlin brothel.

And I drained a 20-footer, and finished with an eagle.

and the energy is unusually light around here

Well, you dazzled tonight, sweetheart. Thank you. / Oh, sorry, I don't know why I thought you were talking to me

I was shocked! / Shocked? / Amazed. I was amazed

I lost my Patek Philippe in that lake, but I wouldn't have had it any other way.

The algae was so slippery, the cop had to throw me his fishing line.

Maybe it's because of the coffin. This is a funeral, Roland!

That, and the fact that working conditions weren't exactly safe for a ten-year-old

I'm gonna miss that enthusiasm.

You and Alexis were about to engage in cyber-sex. / Hi, Ted. / Hi, Mr. Rose.

Alexis, what have I told you about putting your body on the internet? Never! Never without proper lighting.

So, you're Stevie Budd? No. Believe it or not, that's actually a woman's name.

Roland, you're not adding anything to the sentence, you're just repeating what I said.

How often do good friends get a chance to sit around and, uh, and talk? Right! And, you know, I didn't get a chance to tell you before, but that is one snazzy outfit.

John, were you able to return Bill and Melinda's call today about the hmm hmm-hmm? / Well, you know, Moira, we're not supposed to be discussing investment opportunities at the table, no matter how lucrative they might be. But you know what the Gateses are like - Bill and Melinda.

Perhaps there's an upside to all this, fiscally speaking. Hmm! Oh no, no.

We... are buying into the business. Say hello to your new business partners. / So, we have the motel? We sure do. Now, first order of business, we need name tags.

Why is there a turtle on the floor? Alexis!

John, it's practically obsidian in here! / You just said close the curtains!

It's halted. Someone hit resume. - Just let it buffer.

Good job, Roland. - You're a professional, Roland.

I'm glad you didn't feel you needed to clean up on my account, you know? It shows just how comfortable a friendship we actually have. / I did clean up. / Right. That's... what I meant.

Good. We bought the second motel! / First phase of many in the Rosebud Motel expansion.

But not on your bed.

I wanna buy you out. / Oh!

You don't have to downplay your excitement on my account, Stevie. I'll be just fine.

It's, uh, being finicky. / Uh, remember, Mr. Rose? I left you a sticky note.

Is it Larry Air? 'Cause they called me for a reference, and also asked if I had any interest in becoming a pilot.

Why are you dressed like a limo driver? / Your mother insisted.

Why are your pupils so dilated. / No, yours are. / No, yours are.

you should really hydrate after all that crying

That's not exactly how I'd describe our guests, Roland

(High voice) Hello, I'm... I'm Gwen. - Oh...

I saw Bob standing there and that was the first name I thought of. They're always together

you're gonna be drowning in phone numbers

Johnny: 'Okay, not off to a good start, Roland.'

Johnny calling pizza 'za' and immediately regretting it

Uh... yeah, I could go for some 'za. [Chuckles]

Oh, that's okay, cold pizza can be good. - Mm. - Hot pizza's good. Too-hot pizza - not so good. I got that happening.

Yeah, cheese, tomato sauce, bread. Can't beat that combination.

Johnny's terrible small talk about concession prices

'I am offering a major apology if that'll help' followed by awkward silence

They're cuticle shears, John. Do you expect hedge clippers to be drawn from my purse?

Oh, it's my JFK, just playing into the theme.

The man's from Boston. - John! - Coming Moira And FDR said that.

David, when did you become the Grim Reaper of romance?

We were just having the most stimulating conversation about you... ganda! Ugandan... politics.

Were you guys waiting up for me? - Ah! - N-no!

When you have that many years under your belt, you're bound to have collected a good story or two.

Artie loves to scat along with the songs. - Do you know what scatting is? - I do, not a huge fan.

Artie's an old soul, and you know how I'm an old soul, so we're just like, two old souls having fun together. - Well, he is an old soul. I'll give you that.

Well, please don't call me 'Dad.'

That's a smidge worse than 'Dad.'

And being a grandad's even harder. - Oh, well, maybe you might wanna give me some tips when I eventually get there.

Well, Cat wrote some wonderful songs, honey.

He was responsible. He did run a successful mobile-home business.

Thank you for having us. - John, no.

David, I didn't know she wasn't invited to the wedding. / Well, you certainly fixed that problem for yourself.

Not exactly the united front we had discussed, Roland.

David would understand. I mean, not at first, but deep down he's not a total monster.

Poor thing. / That's the garnish for the lobster roll.

Lobster! Ah. Are we inviting The Vanderbilts?

if we're not using the lettuce under the lobster roll can we just not make a side salad out of this lettuce?

Oh, you know what they say about tenderloin; always... a risky option. It's gotta be done just, just right.

Well, you don't want people coming to your wedding and only talking about the food. / That is literally the only thing I want them talking about. What is wrong with you?

Why not, it's not like we're paying for the samples.

You know, we had a sizable nest egg set aside for David's wedding. He was talking about Bali for a while. We were gonna charter some jets. Fly everybody.

That's just the dedication, Roland. / That's as far as I got, Johnny. I'm sorry, I'm partial to historical fiction.

Well, they haven't heard the idea yet.

You mean Mike Morrison. / You're waiting on a call from him, too?

Mike Morrison called?!

Uh, Johnny Rose calling you back. Uh, bye.

Is anyone else not getting a signal in here?

Well, I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say I hope we escape very quickly.

Like, some people's minds just don't work like this.

Well, we did say no speeches, so... / Guess they listened.

8:15. Roland still isn't here yet. You know if we're a half hour late for this pitch meeting we'll be laughed out of the room.

Agree? - Agree. - Sure.

What? - Yeah, unfortunately, he had to board a flight last night to Johannesburg, but he sends his best. - Um, we can always wait 'til he gets back. - He's there for a week.

my parents used to take me to Rose Video all the time when I was a kid. - Oh. - I always loved the free popcorn. Nice touch.

Well, good afternoon, everyone. I'd like to say, long time no see, but Mike's not here and we've just met.

Could have happened to any one of us. But thank you for flying us in today.

What are you guys pumpin' in here, pollen? Do you mind if I have some of that water there, please. - Jesus. - Oh gosh! - Roland! What are you doing? - What?

Well, motels are small hotels without the golf courses in case you... Well, good-good-good. So you're familiar at least.

My family and I have been staying in a motel for the past three years. And I wouldn't trade our stay there for anything.

Don't tell me you're having lunch with Bev - After all this. - Imagine? No, I amputated those people years ago.

I don't see any breakfast. - Mimosas! We're celebrating!

David? You don't have to look quite so morose. You're with your family.

Ah, now that's a framer. You just deleted it.

Do I detect a scintilla of lavender? Isn't it funny how the air suddenly smells sweeter now that you know we're leaving.

Well, Johnny, if you wanna be an executive, you gotta drive like an executive. It might be a bit premature spending all this money.

Wait. One pizza? What is this, les mis? Yes, it's a dignified family symposium, David. Not some all-one can- consume smorgasbord.

September 3rd. That's my wedding day. And we're tied to the third? - Oh Moira... - Am I tied to the third?

You can barely get through this without crying, so that's a no.

A note, I did bring the house down at Pat Sajak's first wedding. 'Can I buy a vow.' I had the studio audience wrapped around my finger.

'Hello, you. Are-are we all ready to spin the wheel of life today?' Even Vanna White didn't laugh at that one.

Even Vanna White didn't laugh at that one.

Johnny, when I say I know the florist, I mean, I know the florist. - Oh. - Yes! Ronnie! That's great!

I mean, David's gonna have a heart attack, but it... it could work.

Our lives are like little bébé crows, carried upon a curious wind.

Okay. I think we're good. Okay.

Make sure the girls are shipped in a... - Temperature controlled - Temperature controlled - cargo container. Aha. - Cargo container. Aha.