David Rose

David, what are we... - Shut up! - You shut up! - Um, you shut up! - You shut up!

Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! - Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Because if someone were to break in here in the middle of the night wanting to murder us, they would attack this bed first. So I need this bed.

Sort of, that was the plan, yeah.

What kind of sociopath abandons her family in some vomit-soaked dump to gallivant around the world with her dumb, shipping-heir loser boyfriend she's known for three months?

I have asked you thrice now for a towel so that I may wash this town off my body.

Pick up a hammer and nail this coffin shut!

Can you do me a huge favor? And never repeat this to anyone that you respect, okay?

And never repeat this to anyone that you respect, okay?

What are you wearing? What is that? A nightgown? / It's a nightshirt, David.

You might want to rethink the nightgown first. There's an ebenezer scrooge thing happening right now.

Oh my God, that's who I was thinking of. / My best to Bob Cratchit.

Rub my back. / What?! No. / I rubbed your back many a nights when you were little. / Yeah, in exchange for half my allowance.

she has hakuna matata tattooed on her foot. / A Disney tattoo shouldn't be a surprise.

Actually, now that I think about it, where are those friends? / They're just giving me space right now. / Because they're considered people.

but our worlds evil twin... has reared her ugly... / Okay. I'm taking my journal into the bathroom. Where I will be shutting the door.

I don't even know what 'tailgate' means. In my mind I'm picturing like a Klan rally.

I'm not really in the mood to be a victim of a hate crime tonight so...

Maybe a neck tattoo would be cute. / No, it wouldn't.

Davis, you've got nothing on tonight. / How... how do you know that. / What do you have on tonight? / What?

she would walk into the space wearing a clay mask of a fawn, remove her clothing and breast feed members of the audience. It was a commentary on income inequality.

I don't think it's gonna pass. I don't think it's passing. / Migraines can be so awful. / Yeah, well, not this one. Not this one.

Well, my sister texted me 'help'. And my mind went straight to deliverance. So I wasn't too far off.

I assume a pint glass is out of the question?

Good riddance, is what they said.

You mean the hitchhiker that was burning meat over a garbage can?

No, I did Saint-Tropez, so. And I did her birthday, and Aspen twice.

Though it is kind of fun to watch, though. Not when you're the one she's trying to back over with a car.

I don't think you understand, I already have it.

Um, something in like, art curating, or trend forecasting.

Which is what, forty, forty-five something an hour?

That's all that I'm apparently qualified to be.

I'm interviewing to be a bag boy, not a personal injury lawyer.

I ran out of eye cream.

Motels this size we're basically always face to face. In the same room.

Well, put them over the t-shirts then.

Wait. Alexis has a middle name? Why is this the first time hearing of this? Do... do I have a middle name?

You try putting a cashmere sweater in the washing machine. It'll bite your wrist.

It's one chromosome away from a crocheted blanket.

Yeah, funky is a neon t-shirt you buy at an airport gift shop, next to a bejeweled iPhone case. This... this... is luxury.

I got these at a showroom in Paris. / I got these on clearance rack at Target. / $850. / 850 what? / Eight hundred- / Dollars?! / $850 dollars.

My car's worth less than your pants. / Well, I've seen your car and that makes sense to me.

No, Johnny, they had to guess which one was the truth. / Mm... which one was the lie. / It's just-it's just one lie. / You said two lies. / No, it's- / No, the game is 'two truths and a lie.' / It's truth. / That's the game. / Well, yeah, because babies play that at their birthday parties.

Um, I'm miserable, drunk, and hate this game. So... here's a hint... Sadly, I'm not drunk.

Mm-hmm. Guys like that will bone anything. / Well, not anything. / Stop. / 'Cause that would mean... / Stop. Stop. / That would include... / Stop it. / You. Which it doesn't. / Don't. / Ew.

It's too, you know... / Funky? / Sure. Let's go with that.

This is French suede, with a vulcanized-rubber instep, okay? You've lost my trust and my business, so...

Well, I just 'sold' a pair of sunglasses on here and now dieforfash87 is telling me she won't pay 'cause she thinks they're fake.

Wayne huffs keyboard cleaner for a living.

Wait, you wanna have sex with me? / No. I don't think anybody has sex in here unless they're being paid for it.

Emma. Your middle name is 'Emma.' / Is it? / I'm sorry! No, Hannah. / I'm embarrassed for you. / Elspeth. / No! / I think it's Elspeth. / It isn't! / I should know! / Wow.

David walking in on his parents having sex - 'Oh my go-oh my God!'

'I saw hell is what's happening'

'Shame on you for attempting that position at 8 o'clock in the morning'

'Am I being punished for something?' / 'David, are you dirty peeping tom?'

If you tell me that you're pregnant, I'm gonna vomit on this floor right now

'It was so clean. It was really clean.' / 'because you had a maid to keep it very clean for you.'

'No. I kept it clean after Cecilia cleaned.'

'I am looking forward to sleeping in a bed that his not... made for a toddler.'

'I'm out of mask.'

'Any more and game play gets too yelly. It gets very yelly.'

'Oh, all those types of people move away from here.' / 'That's funny.' / 'No, I'm serious.'

'He finished high school.' / 'I don't love his look.'

'Trust me, if I had time, we would, but we don't, so...'

'She get it?' / 'Get what?' / 'Like "get it" get it. It, like the vibe.'

'She used to be my babysitter.' / 'Great. Wow. Okay.'

'Who the... Bleep... is this?' / 'He's the worst, okay? So just breathe through it.'

'You can't say mother! You can't say mother!' / 'She wasn't getting it.' / 'That's the point!'

David dramatically asking 'Can you get a heart murmur from a lack of sleep? Because I have not slept since we've got here and I think my body is shutting down.'

David's escalating health panic: 'I have not been able to find kale anywhere here- how long are we going to be talking about you for?'

David: 'I think I'm having a heart attack, is what's happening!' Alexis: 'David, you are like 34.' David: 'I'm basically 29.'

David's dramatic projection: 'I think you're gonna feel very guilty when I slip into a coma and you have to come visit me in the hospital at hospice.'

David's WebMD escalation: 'According to Web MD, I'm having a pulmonary embolism, which is much, much worse.'

David's existential question: 'People just drop dead in the streets out of sheer neglect?' about the town's medical care

Ted's medical question: 'Now, have you been around any feces in the past two days?' David's horrified 'I don't n...'

David's dismissal of panic attacks: 'Oh no, those... Those aren't real. Those are a PR spin for celebrity publicists.'

David's lifestyle contrast: 'I went from living in a 25 hundred square foot Soho live/workspace to a motel room with my sister.'

Patrick's literal laundry method: 'It's just I do beat my laundry against rocks.' David: 'You're a freak.'

Alexis dismissing panic attacks: 'Babe, you know that panic attacks aren't real, right? They're just things that celebrities make up to...'

David's selfish system explanation: 'I don't wanna have to bring this up... But it's my turn to take a selfish.' Reference to Dubai 2010 disaster

David and Alexis at yoga: 'Okay, well, I'm not touching you.' 'Well, I'm not touching you.'

Yoga confessions: 'I burnt my sausage casserole.' 'I'm pretty sure I'm really lonely here.'

Not with your mouth open anyway.

I do Coachella every year, so...

High thread count sheets? Colognes that smell like fireplace...

So... is this a tweed or a camo situation?

(Awkward silence after David mentions plans)

Because he knows how much I love it when mom and dad interrogate your boyfriends.

You and your nightgown can tippy-toe back to bed. I'm late.

Does this come in a slimmer cut?

Have to admit, not into babies so it's kind of a guessing game for me.

I feel like one of the Manson girls.

Jocelyn! You look like Jocelyn!

It was an indelible image that I had scarred in my mind until I saw what was... Happening up there with you.

Well, apparently you can win an Audi. / What colour?

Okay, where are the tips and tricks? We've been watching this for five minutes, she's talking in circles!

Okay, we're going to have a luncheon. / A luncheon?

David staging the fake surprise at the cosmetics

Some townie douchebag is moving in next door. They've got a baby.

Is there a gun?

I've been on enough spring breaks to know how this is gonna end

This was a good choice. Yep. We make good choices. This was a really healthy choice.

What? It's your dad. He saw me. Fuck! It's the towels again, we need towels!

So, was it cute for you, or what? It was fine. It was... It was weird. It was good. Love that. It was good but weird. I love that!

Ted wants to meet my friends, so I think it's getting kind of serious. It's been two weeks.

That was just a... Was a one-time thing. That was a one time... Just a blip... Just a blip. Blop. Just a...

Blippity blop. Blippity blip.

I like the wine and not the label.

No, no, no, I absolutely did that. Just wept for hours in the dark.

The judicial system is really cracking down on its delinquents these days, huh?

It was funny? Yeah, it was a... It was a fun... It was a funny... It was... Yes.

Well, you deserve a Daytime Emmy for that performance.

David's memory: 'I think you crashed one of my pool parties with some guy you were calling Uncle Julio'

All right, you guys treat yourself, okay? Buy yourself something nice. - $100? - Oh, my God.

David calling Grant 'a big, fat liar' about his physique coming from handyman work

David's sexually suggestive questions: 'So, is he gonna do some repairs on your... undies?'

David's awkward rambling: 'Do you. Do him. Do both. Do things. Yeah.'

David's bitter comment about 'infrequent benefits that our friendship has'

David's petty timing: 'Can we do that after you screw Mr Fix-it, or would you like to do it now?'

David's oversharing: 'I tried it once and the guy ripped the guitar out of my hands and he just started smashing it on the ground. Granted, I am tone deaf and he was a super angry Marine'

David's self-aware response: 'The idea of me life coaching another human being should scare you. A lot.'

David's observation about Grant: 'Like one of those guys that has like a candy bowl of condoms on his bedside table'

Three point five. I'm gonna leave you be because it's not every day you get to go on a date with a guy who owns a windowless van, so that...

David's overly formal exit: 'Warmest regards to you both. Best wishes.'

David's defensive response: 'movies aren't always right... I happen to be a little bit older than you are'

I have a party later. Can you buy me some beer? Uh, no. Can you buy me some beer?

Connor's party request: 'Can you buy me some beer?' and David's counter: 'Can you buy me some beer?'

David's confession: 'I actually hate music'

No, her birthday is the second weekend in May. / That's Mother's Day, honey. / I don't think so.

Maybe Roland's house. / Listen to the words coming out of your mouth.

It's so uncomfortable when he does stuff like that. / No. Absolutely not. I feel so weird about it.

It's so uncomfortable when he does stuff like that. - No. Absolutely not. I feel so weird about it.

I'm sure you're from a really solid home and... / David. / Understand. / I'm gonna slap you in the face.

It's a cake. - It's a torte.

Okay. Well, when you put it like that, it makes me sound ridiculous, um, which I'm not.

You had a bug in your hair. - Oh. Ew!

My God, she had Hillary shaking last year at the Clinton Foundation dinner.

Well, that was the exit to Elmdale. We've gone too far, we've gotta turn back!

No, seriously, I might leave. - Okay, last warning. In three. Two.

Yeah, so I need to apologise for my behaviour earlier. - Mmm-hmm. - I think it's just that this whole friend... - It's that lady time, huh?

Is that okay? - Uh, I normally only slow dance with strangers, at bars... - Right. - After I've had a few... - Uh-huh. But, um, I can make an exception.

Told you I'd sell this town. Didn't I tell you? / Yes. Not to diminish your accomplishment, but you did say that a handful of times. / I think eight, to be exact.

If I'm being perfectly honest, it's very low on the totem pole of coats of yours that I like.

I just have a different kind of relationship with my friends where we don't need to be in constant contact with each other.

Oh, you just watch a season of Girls and do the opposite of what they do. It's easy.

I mean, I was looking at three bedrooms, but do I really need an office?

You've been my only friend, so... Great, nevertheless.

Yeah, not as many as you'd think, so...

We slept together! Ooh...

There's a bug on your dress. - Ew! Ugh! Oh!

Miriam makes the most delicious butter. Yeah, I mean, she starts pounding that cream about a half hour too early in the morning, but it tastes exactly like the butter we had at the Ritz in Paris

You told me that Diane Sawyer gave you that bag, and that it was fake.

I don't know David, why did you steal my eyeliner? - That was a phase in high school!

I hitchhiked, in the middle of the night, wearing all black! I was basically asking to get hit by a car!

Wow, believe it or not, that is one of the warmest welcomes I have received so far!

I thought, well, there goes my one friend. Try saying that one out loud, it is very dark.

Try saying that one out loud, it is very dark.

Oh my God, I guess I was saving it for during your run, then.

Oh Alexis, you're almost forty, if you want some food, prepare yourself some food!

That was thrown out after Alexis left her extensions on it, and everything smelled like burnt hair.

There was a plug coming out of the side of it!

Don't touch me! Don't! That's harassment!

Well, I'm pretty sure those people get divorced.

What does 'fold in the cheese' mean? / You fold it in. / I understand that, but how?

Okay, I don't know how to fold broken cheese like that! / Then I don't know how to be any clearer!

If you say 'fold in' one more time... / It says, fold it in! / This is your recipe! / You fold in the cheese, then! / Don't you dare! / You fold it in!

If you say 'fold in' one more time...

And now I know how it feels to be utterly helpless, like you, and your sister. / I don't know if I'd call us 'helpless.' / No need to make me feel better.

Well, that's simple enough, any fool could do that. / Did you do that?! / No.

We had a lengthy conversation about hosiery and menopause. / Again, that was me.

How is it that a moth can find its way into a triple locked titanium suitcase?! - The perils of owning cashmere.

Alexis hasn't been here for a week and a half. She's at Mutt's. - Well, that's simply not true. I had breakfast with her just yesterday. - That was me!

We had a lengthy conversation about hosiery and menopause. - Again, that was me.

How do you know it's cedar? - Um, I bought a cologne once, in Japan, that's supposed to smell like the aftermath of a car crashing into a cedar tree.

Why would anyone wanna smell like that? - Hmm?

A family of moths seem to have mistaken my cashmere sweaters for an Atlantic City all-you-can-eat buffet.

You're planning on building a cedar chest? - That's correct. - You are. You're gonna build it? - It's a box! So you're just nailing some planks of wood together.

May the force be with you. - Thank you so much. Thank you, genuinely. Honestly, you're so great.

David measuring sweaters with his body while Mutt watches from the doorway

It's a really tragic story, involving some damaged luxury cashmere. And so I am building a cedar chest for my sweaters.

Well, how far along are you? - Um, I'm this far.

Has Paul Bunion finished his box? - Who?

Will you be needing your basic toolbox, or your 'cedar chest' tool box? - Obviously the cedar chest tool box!

Okay, I'm assuming you're kidding. Um... But in the off chance that you're not, where in the shed would I find that box? - You're kidding.

Yeah, well, I can't not jump in and help when I see someone doin' something wrong. - Was it wrong, or was it just unconventional?

If you're experiencing feelings for me, Like, I totally get it. And normally I'd be into it, I've just been down this road before, and it's-it's messy.

Well, she sort of fades into the background after a while, you know, like a smoke alarm.

Are you just saying that because you don't want her to move back here? - Yes, I am!

That's a cute little wood thing, David. - Thank you, I made it.

David? / David, what is this?! / It looks like a bike. / Is it yours? / Yes. Yes, it is.

(Whispering) I hate you, David!

And you know whose name came to mind? I don't-i don't know, Rachel Zoe? Yours!

You're just describing what shopping is.

Okay, these are pants that just so happen to have a pant fabric over the front and back... Okay. Yeah, it's a skirt.

Okay, these are pants that just so happen to have a pant fabric over the front and back... Okay. Yeah, it's a skirt.

So you're the Anne Hathaway in that situation? I don't know who that is.

Well, I'm actually in really good hands, because this man has a woman's touch. I don't... I don't know what that means.

Well, this is a real 'Sophie's Choice!' I hope that you and Jocelyn don't role play that at home.

Skanky! I think the clothes are a bit skanky.

Um listen, I don't have a lot to my name right now, but I do have one thing. Self-respect? No, taste.

Oh my God, you know that I have bad foot-eye coordination, you didn't have to wear corrective leg braces for three months.

Oh my God, you know that I have bad foot-eye coordination, you didn't have to wear corrective leg braces for three months.

Do you like this sweater? Jared Leto gave it to me and I've always been on the fence about it.

Okay, there are certain lies I tell myself, and if you're any kind of a friend, you will let me cling to those lies.

It's like a poncho.

I was with Roland, we were shopping for Jocelyn. It's a long, frightening story.

It's a long, frightening story.

We're not over the skanky thing, are we?

I can say with complete certainty that I see literally nothing but potential.

Is the floor overcrowded? Yeah. Are the mannequins a little too busty? Absolutely. Does it smell like urinal cakes in here? Perhaps.

You know, in France, they say the looser the fit, the sexier the feel, so...

But I have my sister's communion this weekend. Okay, don't do that. Don't do what?

Okay, I'll just drop a little raisin in here to release the bubbles. Blechhh! That's no necessary!

Ooh, my first job was actually a gap kids campaign when I was six. To your first job!

Fun? - Porn-y.

Where are the scarves? - Oh, I sold those, too.

Alexander Wang once fired my friend over the smell of his cologne. To Alex's credit, 'Curve Pour Hommes' hasn't been the look since '97.

No jewelry stands. - No jewelry... - Noooo! No, David! Jewelry stands!

Look at us, son, a couple of working stiffs back from the salt mines. - What?! - Two men, back from the mines.

Uh-huh, you know I just got back from a four-hour shift that mostly consisted of me sampling luxury candles so...

There's nothing in here. - Really? - Yeah. - Oh, I must've taken the last one.

I mean, you got this job all on your own, nobody had to make a call, nobody got involved, nobody had to... pay somebody off. - What?

Well, word to the wise, son, don't... spend all your money at once. - I thought you weren't getting involved. - No, I'm not. I'm not, I'm just saying, word to the wise, is all.

Okay, what does 'word to the wise' even mean? Word to the wise. When you're... speaking to somebody wise, you lis... you're cognizant of what they're saying. A wise person telling you... Anyway, just-just uh, keep that in mind

Uh yeah, it's when you buy something for your business and the government pays you back for it. - Oh, and who pays for it? - Nobody, you write it off.

Who writes it off?! - I don't know, the govern... The 'write off' people!

If I have acne, what does that say about the legitimacy of the store?

There's not enough space in here for the massage chair, anyway.

I think I need a hug, or something. - W-you what? - I need a hug.

Did you get new bedding? - Um, yeah, I did. But it's a write off, so I don't...

Oh, did you pick up that random condom that was on the grass there? - Ew yeah, whose was that?

Weren't those here before? - There was literally nothing here. It was a wasteland.

Oh, there's the condom right there, David. - Ew! Eww!

It's just temporary storage, David. / Look at your things. Look at your life!

Look at your things. Look at your life!

I wasn't drinking water. / Okay, so maybe it was mine, what difference does it make?

She could be a serial killer.

That she serves you... at the cafe. / Because we're friends.

'Cause everyone will think we're together. / Okay, I think you're giving yourself a lot of credit. / I was being generous.

Um, like, easy six.

I notice that man is no longer sleeping under the pool table.

Do you wanna break? / Um, from what?

That sounds more like a fact that you're sharing with me.

The queen hasn't smiled since the 70's, and her birthdays are still very well attended.

For what? I didn't do anything.

Do you think I'd allow someone to buy that car for me?

Um, very unclear on the 'we' part of that sentence.

I don't even wear good socks in here!

Three words I thought I'd only have to type if I was held at gunpoint.

I'd argue that moment happens daily.

That's the situation you never thought you'd be in?

Like when you were taking your harpsichord lessons, and I would drive you. I was seven.

Well, believe it or not, this is actually not the most awkward parent/son request I've gotten today, so...

Well, I was trying to give you a hug. I-I get the gesture. I should've undone the seatbelt.

It's actually just 'pin,' you don't have to say, 'pin number,' that's redundant.

Okay, can you just take a... take a big step! Thank you so much!

He keeps saying pin number.

So if you could help me help him, that would be a wonderful thing.

So if you could help me help him, that would be a wonderful thing.

Ted also proposed to you twice, so I'd say Ted's decision making skills are a little suspect.

David, Dad's poor right now! He's not poor anymore! Because someone gave him more than a cheap card!

Um, I think it means you have to wear scrubs.

Putting your name on a line of edible nail polish isn't what I would call having a job.

Even the one that poisoned all those people?

You look like a stick of gum.

I don't think that's a very good idea. I'm gonna drop her off at four.

Sounds like something you'd find at a serial killer's house.

If you happen to find any Xanax lying around anywhere, can you just... let me know about that?

Um, yeah, you can always tell because their upper lip sort of... I mean, like, puffs a bit.

Something happened. Nothing. Just d-don't look on the bed.

Nothing is more natural... aside from maybe the... thread count in these sheets

As if you think that's what I listen to!

The entire Rose family chaos with banging, yelling, and confusion over loud music

There's a collection of undershirts hang drying outside of my room. Is there any way they could be removed, or is there like, a Texas Chainsaw movie being filmed out there that I'm not aware of?

I am thinking about getting a place. I have some money coming in, and it's just... It's not really a cute look to be this age, and live at home. No offense, David.

Mmmm... that person doesn't exist in this town.

This is so cute for me. This is cute, right? I think this is super cute. Wait, is it cute? 'Cause I know that it's light, and spacious, and... airy in here, but I just wasn't sure if it was cute. Oh, it's cute.

Wait, $275 a month for this? That's cheaper than my P.O. Box in New York.

The apartment was soundproofed by the previous owner. But the irony is the people next door are completely deaf, so you could literally scream for hours, and no one would hear you. Did you hear that? You could scream for hours, and no one would hear you.

You know, sometimes at night, I see things. Oh my God, David! Like... dark things. Like sometimes there's this old woman that paces back and forth by your bed, waving her hands over your face. I don't think her bony fingers ever touch your mouth, though.

Do you ever wake up with chapped lips? Dad! Dad's dead. Ohh, you're such a dick, David!

That there's another store called Blouse Barn? No.

Lotta drunks.

If there's one thing I've learned from 'The Good Wife', it's never accept a first offer.

Technically, I would say I'm in a transition phase at the moment.

Well, thank you so much for this. Um, it was entirely unhelpful, but thank you nevertheless.

No. Okay, David, if you have to lie about something you should breathe out while you answer 'cause it really just calms you down.

Which is very similar to the meals and not necessarily relevant, so...

And let's be honest, 'Blouse House' doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

We're in our store.

Um, you don't mean one of those big lottery checks, right?

Shouldn't we be s-s-s... Should we be... Trying to sa... save this?

What would you like us to say? / Well, you could start by saying, 'Happy anniversary.'

Congratulations on your ongoing love for one another. You did it!

Stevie Budd was voted: 'Most likely to get the guy.' With that hair cut?!

And girls, it seems.

What series? / Dateline. / I played a boy who got abducted from a grocery store.

People thought I actually was the 'Value-mart victim.'

Hmm, bet that got you laid. / It did. It really did.

I was just kidding. / Oh... no yeah, me too.

Mutt's having a soiree? / Well, I'm sure you're invited. / Yeah, no. Yeah, no, why wouldn't I be?

I really would have to basically throw all my self-respect just right out the window. / Aww, that's so sweet.

Oh, I wouldn't either, but I couldn't find a cocktail shaker, and someone brought room temperature vodka.

No, I've just never seen you this dressed up before. / I do what I want.

Mmm! Hmm, I thought I was shame eating in private.

What is shame eating? / I don't think we have enough time for that tonight.

Christie McFadden accidentally nailed her hand to her paper towel holder, so that's-the lesson is just not to nail stuff...

Because we just necked out behind the barn. / Seriously, what makes you think that? / Because we put our mouths together, out behind the barn.

Just so you know, I kissed him too. / Well, that didn't happen. / Who's to say?

Did he invite you to his wood shop? / Sorry, that came out wrong.

I haven't bedazzled anything since I was 22.

perhaps that was just a night terror.

Is that term still a going thing? - No, that's no. - No, never say that again. - Don't do that.

You're like a predator!

and I'll have a bowl of room temperature hollandaise sauce, please.

Oh, I didn't recognize him clothed.

Oh my God, I literally told him to never come back here while you people were home.

I'm tasting metal, for some reason.

Well, I don't think Jake is here to see David. We can hear you. Very clearly.

Uh, who picked through my cake, and only left the icing? Who eats the icing?! What kind of barnyard were you raised in, where you just eat someone else's food?!

I'm not sharing a boyfriend, Stevie and I are both dating Jake, at the same time, like sexually evolved human beings.

We're not a 'throuple!'

That's not true, and please don't include Mom in an analogy about my relationship, thank you!

David, lunch today? - No. - Oh, okay. Well, I'll dine alone. See?! See what?

Okay, I'm starting to feel like I'm trapped in an Avril Lavigne lyric here. And while I not-so-secretly love Avril, and have paid very close attention to her battle with Lyme disease...

And while I not-so-secretly love Avril, and have paid very close attention to her battle with Lyme disease, um, I don't know why we're...

I'm trying to warn you... That you are going to be ending things with him. And I appreciate that, but message has been delivered. Loud and clear.

Yeah, no, I was just um... I was just doing squats, actually. Ugh!

No I wasn't. Uh, you showed up for the date. No I didn't. You're literally here in the restaurant!

I really don't see myself driving any of these. / I would rather drive a scooter. And we all know how I feel about scooters, those... stupid helmets.

Is that a spreadsheet? / Yes, yes, it is.

We don't even have the car yet! / Okay, we're just trying to work within your schedule.

You bought me this dress, David. / I know! And it cost twice as much as the car you wanna buy.

Yeah, says the moving target in the Bespoke suit.

to mimic the trappings of a workaday woman. / And if you'll notice, David, no cufflinks. / Wow! I am blinded by the disenfranchisement.

Someone died. / Okay, I'm just finding the bulbs to make my skin look very jaundice-y.

Okay, and now I can't tell whether you're playing into the joke, or whether um... you're telling the truth. / She was 78.

Why, you didn't kill her.

I mean, she was a mess, but I liked her. That's probably why I liked her.

I'd like you to finish that sentence.

I don't think you could handle it. This whole thing is super depressing.

That side of my family has a bit of a reputation for conflict. / And philandering. / And fraud. / And gun-play.

Can you get us some whitener for the coffees? / Oh... what have I been using?

Um, so what are... where-how... Where should we do... Well, I don't want people parking on her!

And if they're not, I'll be sure to scatter your ashes in a much nicer parking lot.

So we're drinking to me not becoming an alcoholic? / Mhmm. / Off to a good start.

You look like a contestant on 'The Price Is Right.'

You can't put a price on dignity. / Uh, tell that to your outfit.

This is your outfit. / What?!

Were all the other cars on fire, then?

David saying his expired license is 'fine' when asked if he has it

David's increasingly desperate denials: 'It didn't take me 16 tries!'

The detailed recounting of David's multiple driving test failures

David hoping to contract a deadly lung infection rather than do paperwork

Patrick's non-answer when David asks if it ever came together

David being 'the owner of a very sad business with one under-performing employee'

David's flat rejection: 'Oh yeah, that's not gonna happen right now'

David's perceptive observation: 'Hmm, that's really perceptive' when Patrick says it's not a good time to ask

Alexis having an 'F' Class license for transport trucks

Alexis asking David to hold the wheel while she checks her phone

David asking the driving examiner 'people aren't thinking about you the way that you're thinking about you'

The driving examiner calling David 'Derek'

David asking if the examiner cares about him 'in the car' after learning he's done eight tests today

David's revelation about being constantly worried about Alexis being held hostage in 'East Asian palaces'

Johnny's 'fixed' tap now making the hot water come out of the cold tap

Is it a job? / I don't know, do I look like Ginnifer?!

The Crows Have Eyes... Two. / It's a sequel, that's good. It must mean the first one was a big success. / I've never heard of it.

And so it begins again.

Start from five, you leave out the two, and the one. / Okay, why? / Because it's my process.

Sorry, um, this is... just one big rip off of 'The Birds!' / This is about crows! It's much more specific!

'Look, they've taken Clara!' 'Where are they carrying her to, Clara?' Are there two Claras?!

It's a common name. / Yeah, the next scene takes place in a large bird's nest.

I actually think you do play off a corpse in the next scene, and... if I'm being perfectly honest, this is all playing a bit big.

This isn't one of those animal rights viral videos where the bunnies go through a meat processor in the end, is it?

This isn't one of those animal rights viral videos where the bunnies go through a meat processor in the end, is it?

That's like, double your Instagram followers. / Okay, my account is private, thanks.

No, Ted is getting naked on your webcam!

Ted looks good. / Yeah, he does. / David, he looks really good. / Okay, that's gross.

You booked it. / Ohhhh! David! I did?

Ooh, it's filming in Bosnia! Um, in a city that I don't, I don't know the name of the city, I can't pronounce it, a lot of consonants.

You'll be put up with a local family.

There's a death waiver?! / Ohh!

Yeah, but we haven't even gotten to the section on bird safety yet! / Shut it! Now.

Did you know you can still get mail? Yes, I know about mail. No, but I'm talking about like, mail, mail. Like a little man in a uniform, with his satchel full of letters, traveling door to door.

Um, that's a mailman. And he comes to your house, you pay him, and he gives you your stuff. I think it's free delivery, David. I don't think so...

And he comes to your house, you pay him, and he gives you your stuff. I think it's free delivery, David. I don't think so...

it's just that the town only has so many ex-boyfriends to hand out secretary work. Um, first of all, David, I'm an assistant, not a secretary, And second of all, Ted is not my ex-boyfriend, he is ex-fiance.

You've circled "Stars and Cosmology?" Oh yeah, I thought it said "Cosmetology."

Okay, what are you doing? Reorganizing my knits!

Did you know that according to IMDB, Rosa Parks was in an episode of "Touched By an Angel?"

Did you know that according to IMDB, Rosa Parks was in an episode of "Touched By an Angel?" Exactly, David. You are bored, lethargic, and practically dripping with ennui!

You are squandering your social capital. A taste-maker like you should be out there, tasting things! Uh, I'm at the buffet, and there is nothing to taste!

Uh, where are you?! You know who this is, and you know where I am. Did everyone show up? Yes, everybody showed up. Good, then my work is done. Uh no, your job is not done, You guilted me into coming here tonight!

You should thank me. Twyla was set to throw a fiasco until I exerted my influence. Uh yeah, and the way Twyla keeps asking about where you are, I'm pretty sure you're the murderer.

Yeah, this is an iconic moment in all of our lives, and I think we should experience it to the fullest.

Okay, he's being sarcastic! What?! It's a defense mechanism. From all the bullying.

I can't tell what's more tragic, the fact that the only store in town is closing, or that they've decided to display fungal cream beside the cereal boxes.

That's actually really convenient, because I forgot to have breakfast, and I'm running low on fungal cream, so... I don't wanna hear you say fungal again. Fungal?

David's horror at hearing 'fungal' again

Yeah, it's like they knew what the consumer wanted, and then ran in the opposite direction.

Okay, your eyebrows never move, so I can't tell whether you're being serious or not.

Um, it's more of a plan for an idea of a-a thing that I will be working at.

Moira's repetitive questioning technique

No, you're not, you're just repeating random things that I've been saying!

Taste levels scraping bottom of barrel with Christmas World

My entire professional career was a sham

They paid for everything, it's like a form of child abuse. Don't quote me on this, but it seems like their intentions were good.

And what's that, your friends at Christmas World are looking for a deeply embittered, mildly Hebraic-looking elf?!

What's continental about that? It's for business travelers, travelling the continent, eating breakfast, and... continental travelling.

I don't know what that means.

it's a General Store, but it's also a very specific store.

more like a branded immersive experience.

I don't play cricket.

Okay, maybe he didn't call my business a failure, but it was insinuated.

I am sitting on a big, empty space, and I couldn't even tell him what I wanted to do with it!

Would we call that pretentious, or... timeless?

Because you're the only one using that sign-out sheet.

Uh, that is actually cat hair. There's a Himalayan breeder up the street that knits them for us.

Because I was just thinking that this frame is a little too corporate for my brand.

I think you might actually need to break a sweat, in order to earn sweat equity.

He's a business major who wears straight leg, mid-range denim. He's not into me.

I just want you to know that no matter what anyone says, you will always be our first dad.

When did you date Sebastien Raine? / They dated for like a month and a half and David got very upset about it. / Okay, It was almost three months. Four, if you include the month that he was seeing other people.

He's a monster, who uses people, and leaves them for dead.

Okay, It was almost three months. Four, if you include the month that he was seeing other people.

Remember when he dumped you? And you ate all those mall pretzels, and watched 'Bridget Jones's Diary' every day for a year. / It wasn't a whole year, And I will not feel shame about the mall pretzels.

He's most likely wearing a very expensive sweater, that doesn't look very expensive. / Is he like, really... Really handsome in a homeless-y way sort of way? Yes.

He's walking. / He's walking. / He's walking towards here. / Where is he walking to? / And now he's coming in / Now he's coming in... and so he's here. / He's here.

You must be David's girlfriend. / No... / No, I own The Motel, so that makes me more like your landlord? / No. It doesn't.

I'd love to Polaroid you naked one day. / Okay. / Okay?!

The photos are really haunting. / Haunting. / Sure she'd be thrilled about that adjective.

Yeah, I'd give it back, but I don't think it'll be of much use to you. It accidentally fell out of your camera into my hand last night. And then fell out of my hand into my drink. And then I stepped on it a lot.

It wasn't just for you. Let's just say we both won.

Can everyone stop saying lice please?!

I'm not used to that level of kindness.

Mama Oprah would be very proud of us.

A platonic sleepover?

Yes, that is almost entirely correct.

Anyone with a fiber of common sense would know that it's not actually milk.

It's almost as if you want me to get the lice.

For some reason I pictured you living underground.

I followed Lilith Fair for two summers.

Two toothbrushes? Hello!

I just see two de-shelled hard-boiled eggs in a bag, should I be scared for you?

Oh, in the freezer, okay. There she is! Look at that, look at her, go. What a gift.

The Moira's Rose's Garden.

The Moira's Rose's Garden. / So the garden is dedicated to a rose that Moira owns?

So when we die, are we all gonna be buried here?

I rather not attach my name to a gift that I had no hand in selecting.

$20 bucks, I'll give you a hand taking it in. $30 buck, I'll help you in with it. $40 buck and I'll help you in with in. I can keep going up. Can play this game all day, pal.

I can't tell if this room is just very, very small, or if the portrait is very, very big. Well, I think it's quite possible that both are true.

It's just that I don't normally share beverages with people. / Really. That is shocking news.

I look to like Gwyneth who soft-launched the goop newsletter and now it's a thriving lifestyle publication slash empire.

Did it grow?

It's always better to go under. Go under? No. When it comes to expectations It's always to go under than over.

Who's Gwen?

Looks like this soft launch is firming up a bit, huh. But it's not supposed to be firm. Well, with this many people it's definitely at least semi-firm. Okay. Well, as long as it doesn't get hard.

That kind of language, folks, will not be tolerated at Rose Apothecary. Thank you. This is a safe place.

I for one blame Gwyneth.

Um, I'm pretty sure your hands are gonna be fine.

Is it drugs? Uh, no. It's loose leaf tea. Okay. Because it smells exactly like... Oh, come on! Wow! Geez, I didn't realize this place was a front.

Oh, they are.

It's my birthday.

We, we didn't forget. - No, we've been talking about it for weeks. - You've been talking about it for weeks.

I'm very uninterested in that option. - As am I.

Ugh. - What? - Woof... David.

Here is a question. Um, has your family ever forgotten your birthday? Like your parents and your sister, collectively, as a whole?

That would be a no. No, we've always had some kind of party. Oh. - In fact, sometimes two parties.

Ah, I plan on popping a pill, crying a bit and falling asleep early. So just a regular weeknight.

Those are wet now. - That's a lot of spritzing. - I'm gonna dry those off.

I assumed that the cafe would have a dinner jacket policy and I didn't wanna wear one of theirs.

they've done such a wonderful job of editing down the menu to a very concise, world-class selection of international cuisine.

In case you didn't know, I'm widely popular. Some might even venture to call me beloved.

This is the first gift I haven't bought myself in a very long time. So thank you.

Oh, it's just the receipt from our first sale at the store.

I've never done that before... with a guy.

Well, um, fortunately, I'm an very generous person.

Just preferably not before 10 a.m., 'cause I'm not really a morning person.

Okay, I think that this is really pulling focus from my birthday a bit though.

Fall off a bridge, please.

Okay, every inch of that sentence made me sick.

Okay, I've never just thrown some things in a bag before, so you might have to give me a minute.

Um, I'm gonna need a roll of dry-cleaning bags, and some padlocks.

The courts? Well, know that you've unloaded this on me, what am I, an accomplice?

I've kissed like a thousand people but... nobody that I... cared about or... respected... or thought was nice.

I just need you to say nice person. You're a good person. That's not nice.

You do know that this is your first day at Elmdale College, and not Vogue, right?

Okay, I think that says more about Jocelyn as a teacher than it does her students

This is the same college where Malala gave that devastating commencement speech, right? / I don't know, David, maybe he did

It's a pregnancy test. / Ewww! What?!

I'm pretty sure she already knows it's a mistake!

I am not in a place right now to be emotionally available to a baby

Okay, I'm sorry I'm not a condom

Because it requires a steady hand, and I'm going through a lot right now

Yeah, we don't sell that. / Bath salts? / We actually do sell those

Unclear. Unclear on whether I'm gonna make it through or not

David and I were just in the back doing some inventory. / Yeah. / Hmm, yeah

David, did you give me a hickey?! / Okay no, I didn't, I gave you a-a half hickey, because we haven't had the time or the privacy for me to give you a full hickey!

If you give me $50 bucks I'll stand outside, and tell people you're on lunch. / I'll give you 50 cents to stand outside and never come back!

I'll give you 50 cents to stand outside and never come back!

I noticed the line is a couple inches above where the whiskey starts. / I am stunned by your generosity

Yeah, just galloping around the woods, huh? / Yeah, with your 'pony.'

So you offering your apartment had nothing to do with any guilt you felt about harboring a little secret?

You know what, we didn't even get into your history... / Lock it up, David. Lock it up

Dad's trying to get me to drop out of college. / No, that's not what was happening! I-I thought we were talking about something else. / What else? / Oh, he thought you were pregnant

David, Alexis isn't... / No, it's okay. I mean, have your fun now David, because when the twins arrive, I'm gonna really need your help. / Um, that's a hard pass

Well, didn't it have an ensemble cast of 30? Uh huh, and what was your father's review? 29 dead weights!

you practicing every day for seven months with that dance instructor that I ended up dating

No, you say, 'break a leg.' - Okay, that, too. - Say 'break a leg!' Break a leg!

there was one that looked meth-y. And I don't know where he went.

The fact that we have youths minding their own business in front of our store builds... Street cred.

Yes! They're coming in, and they're buying gum. And what else are they doing, David? They're coming in, they're looking around, and they're buying gum. And maybe complimenting my outfits.

This is so old, and I can't even remember where I got it. Do you guys remember-sorry, where I got this sweater?

Yeah, I mean, maybe that's what you and your burnout friends did at the Miss Sixty store, but that's not what's happening here.

maybe that's what you and your burnout friends did at the Miss Sixty store

I got these at a boutique in Prague that's only open on Sunday nights.

I got these at a boutique in Prague that's only open on Sunday nights.

I will eventually need my bed back.

That's television's mom, to you.

Yes, I said faithful, which rules out all of you!

Ok, um, but you're in like a day dress. Mhmm, I am.

Okay, I have never heard someone say so many wrong things, one after the other, consecutively, in a row.

Striking, I believe was the word you used to describe Ted's new girlfriend, who isn't Alexis.

No, they're just new mints that haven't been sampled yet, so for all we know, they could be poison

I just wish they had been consulted before they were moved.

Okay, well they were fugly brooms with big red handles. They didn't match our sand and stone colour palette.

So you guys are just gonna stay behind and talk about me after I've left. You know, swap stories about how I don't compromise.

Like Beyonce, I excel as a solo artist, and I was also dressed by my mother well into my teens, okay?

These mountaineering shoes that my boyfriend is wearing, looking like Oprah on a Thanksgiving Day hike, incorrect.

I think it was something about your boyfriend's shoes? Um... I don't remember saying that.

sock feet in a public place is also incorrect.

Um, well it doesn't help that Alexis just tweeted 'Goodbye to a great actress,' with a cool sunglasses emoji.

Ok, I'm wearing sunglasses because I'm in mourning, David.

so fresh, and young, and permed.

It's not even trending, which is actually kind of sad.

They were Mennonites, and I would put the peanut butter square down

Nom nom for us, David. / Never say nom nom, again.

Oh, I do. She is an intern.

Get in the car!

Get in the car! Not an imposition at all.

You're in love with him, aren't you? / Yes. Yup.

'K, Kelly Ripa just tweeted, she's taking tomorrow off. Hashtag RIP Cuppy is trending.

Or, hey, just like a way. Just one way to engage with the community.

Yes! It was opening day, and there was booze. And people are drunks.

I am open to suggestions.

Oh god. The occasional improve troupe would stop by. I'm um... I'm feeling kind of ill.

Okay, no, worst case scenario, I watch improv.

I mean, if you are, confident, to put yourself and our relationship at risk like that, then I am... 87% behind you.

Okay, this was not my idea.

Why isn't it just Rose Motel? The Rosebud makes it a sad stunted thing.

Ew. What are you all doing here?

Judging from the looks on your faces, I don't want it.

Why would Patrick do that? / That was my first thought.

I had a... very intimate connection with Tony, for several years. / She was your pen pal, David. / She was in a penitentiary, dear.

Okay, first of all, no one's sharing the cookie.

which is why I would rather not subject him to eating charred meat with this group of carnies.

Oh yeah, it's soft.

First of all, a cookie is always a big deal, especially when that cookie just alerted my entire family to the fact that this is officially the longest relationship I've ever had.

If we throw a... if we throw a renaissance fair every month, I just feel like we might be tempting fate.

The last time I heard that, I was dating a birthday clown who painted my face in the night, and was literally never seen from again.

Okay, first of all, let it be known that supporting Julia Stiles is never going overboard.

He was never found. / Probably dead.

When you said that you were coming back, you just meant that you weren't coming back, and that I would have to spend the afternoon searching for you on the train tracks, and among various unmarked vans.

No, but there was a moment when I thought about doing it.

I must've been... Dracula, or a spin instructor.

I must've been... Dracula, or a spin instructor.

Well, hopefully not all that I am, I mean that would be...

Well, hopefully not all that I am, I mean that would be...

No, I draw the line at sing-along.

Okay, just so you know, that's not really a compliment, but thank you.

No, John, no, we're not doing Pat.

Okay, please never say titillating when referring to my relationship. / Oh, can I though? / No.

Uh, I'm sorry you have a fiancée?

I glanced down at my plate for two seconds.

That is quite possibly one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard anyone say. Um... outside of the 'Downton Christmas Special'.

More than one, um, and some potato salad, and I think there were some other sides on the table, but I couldn't see, so maybe just a smattering of everything.

Um, Alexis, do you mind telling your phone to fuck off?

What's bumpkin? / It's an online social hub for rural singles

Why is he shirtless with an armful of puppies? / His nipples are out.

I remember that summer you dated all 3 Hanson brothers.

What did he say? - Sup? - Okay.

I know, I'm scaring even me.

Mhmm. So, Jake and his little pony are goin' on dates and having sexy honeymoon weekends?

So you're in love then. You're like falling in love with Jake.

Um, it's just like a lot of emotional triggers.

Okay I'm not playing into your fraudulent behaviour. / You still want the free booze, right? / Gimme the ring.

I guess I just thought the deeper we got into his past, the deeper we'd have to get into mine. And, historically speaking, the more I revealed of myself, the less interested people got.

I think you're my best friend. / You think? / Well, I can't know for sure, because I'm realizing now that I don't think I've ever really had one.

This would be a really sweet moment, if what we had just admitted to each other wasn't so sad.

When you were in the bathroom, I finished the rest of the lover's curry.

Is it though, do you think?

Okay, I just wanted to make sure that I was ready, ready.

So you waiting a full week to forgive him has nothing to do with the fact that he showered you with gifts and attention every day. That is purely coincidental!

Yeah, I think it's that, uh, and I think it's the fact that you've been a smidge needy this past week? - Hmm. - Maybe needy's the wrong word. - Hmm. - Clingy?

And I am very excited to not, not be with him anymore.

That said, if a package does arrive, please keep it safe.

I've never been in this situation before. Where someone's been so nice... to me. And generous.

So upset, that I barely finished the chocolates.

I just, I guess, didn't know, how many olive branches you were planning on extending. - Ideally, one!

I was lying about the chocolates, I ate them all.

Um, while you're at lunch, can you get me some lunch?

Consider this my olive branch.

Well, I lit a patchouli candle, so hopefully it'll... calm your chi.

Something to do with her husband's heart. - Oh, well, hope it clears itself up. - Yeah, well, it won't. That's the problem. - Well, you never know. - Well, I do.

Sounds very dark.

What just happened?

Well, um, Jocelyn came in here this morning looking like Adam Sandler on a red carpet.

Well, typically the person who throws the shower, pays for the shower. - Well, that wasn't part of the agreement. - Well, what did you say to her? - I told her I'd take care of it. - Ah!

Oh, so it's more of a sprinkle, then. - What the hell is a sprinkle? - No, it's like a shower, but for your second kid. It's not a full shower, it's like a sprinkle.

That is the stupidest (bleep) thing I have ever heard.

Yeah, well, she's one person, and everyone knows you don't plan a whole party around one person. - Maybe you do, if the party is for her. - Says who?

This is why I hate babies!

Maybe to the garbage?

I'm sorry, is that supposed to be a baby? - Yeah, it's pretty realistic, isn't it? I got it at the dollar store in Elmdale. I didn't even have to pay for it, honey. They just gave it to me.

Yeah, don't think we can smash a baby with a stick tonight, but...

Gonna stop you right there. I will literally do anything for us to not play that game.

Where do I put this (bleep) thing?

Now mommy's had a very hard day with baby, and needs a bit of a break. And that's where we come in. We're each gonna take turns popping pills into mommy's mouth.

Now unfortunately, these are breath mints, we couldn't afford actual benzo's

You invented it. We played it a lot growing up. - Oh! I can't remember playing. - That's because we got very good at it.

I remember Alexis got one in from across the room once.

Um, who taught you rollout? - May have been me. Sorry.

Okay, you really need to stop saying rollout.

Okay. He meant pop-up store, right? Honestly, David, it took him like 2 weeks to learn rollout, so...

I look like the Phantom of the Opera!

You realize you're gonna have to talk to Patrick and tell him that you two are gonna have to take a bit of a breather when it... comes to... - Ew! - You know, could be contagious.

My skin is normally fresh, and dewy, and blemish-free.

I'm sorry for touching my nose to a flower!

I just went all Gordon Ramsey on one of my most important vendors! I basically told her, her product was like a jar of Ebola!

It's just a very awkwardly shaped box, but yes I have, and thank you for noticing

The whole situation with Alexis and Ted right now is very awkward and cringe-y. Alexis told him she loved him

I just think it'll be less awkward for all of us, especially considering Ted now knows that I know, that he knows, if you maybe took the box

Okay, so... so you just said that to me for the first time, knowing that it would make my day more stressful. That's correct

Because you know that I've never said that to anyone else, aside from my parents twice, and one time at a... Mariah Carey concert

You're my Mariah Carey

David awkwardly carrying the box out while asking Patrick not to look

Um... no, your game is... tight

Yes. No, that is an emotional depth that is very, very out of character for her

So I should probably stay, then, for a minute?

You know how many off-road dirt bike tours I had to take, just to get her outta my head? Shockingly, never been on a dirt bike. Um... But I'm sure like a lot-a lot... A lot of tours, David

I've been burned so many times, I'm basically the human equivalent of the inside of a roasted marshmallow

I love you

Less shock, deeper depression.

caroling in front of mom's wig wall?

I'm a delightful half-half situation

I'd burned that bridge in Ibiza

Do you have time to mood-board a color scheme? - Does anyone? - No.

An... espresso machine. - You're selling coffee now? - Hmm... it's more for the staff room.

Looks like the other side has been charred, or something.

Why don't we just cut it up for firewood?

Why don't we just cut it up for firewood?

We have spent a very long time gluing it back together. Scary amount of super glue. Seriously, nobody should light a match in here.

You still thinking about that espresso machine, aren't ya? - Yes. Yes, I am.

What, it's just nice. Nothing's happening. - Looks like you're crying. - Oh well, I'm not. It's just we're... - We ran out of red!

It's like being right back in Japan.

Alexis says 'Oh! Burn, Dad!' followed by David's 'Oh my God that's so embarrassing, you must feel ridiculous'

Stevie reveals David's poor score on relationship quiz from M'Lady Magazine 1991

David corrects 'it's Major Lady Magazine' with wounded dignity

Stevie observes David took the quiz multiple times despite calling it garbage

David's comeback: 'You're dating a vet who irons his polo shirts'

David asks 'Did you plug your hairdryer in with wet hands again?'

David's response to 'adventure dates': 'sound like something a marriage counselor would proscribe as a last resort'

David's dismissive 'It's merchandising day, actually' when called out

You guys could be a 'Total Power Failure.' - Mm! Eat glass.

David's seduction attempt: 'how sexy it is to walk in here and see you doing um... inventory? And wearing those little rubber thimbles'

Patrick's earnest explanation: 'They help me flip the pages easier' followed by David's 'Hot. Hot sex.'

David's explanation: 'Alexis's relationship is in trouble... they're in need of a generator, if you know what I mean'

David's violent fantasy: 'makes me wanna just... rip those little rubber things, and... burn 'em in a fire'

David's height phobia description: 'fearful makes me sound like some Dickensian orphan with a chronic illness. It's more an aversion'

David's comeback: 'you might wanna talk to half my birthright trip about that'

David's excuse for appearance: 'just using a new tinted moisturizer, that's all' when clearly terrified

David's love confession: 'I love when you use words like inventory! I even love those stupid rubber things you put on your fingers, 'cause you think they flip the pages faster. They don't flip the pages faster!'

Oh! Bye! / Ewww! / Eww. / Ugh!

Um, our money isn't for sale.

Our till doesn't currently have any cash in it, because my partner is at the bank getting money for the float.

A wallet full of debt.

Um, we only have cloth totes, I hope that's okay.

Do you drink red wine, or white wine? Maybe some chilled rose in the back?

Suddenly she's a sales associate.

God forbid he be specific.

Could you help the man with the door? His hands are full.

Could you help the man with the door? His hands are full.

Why do I feel like we did something wrong?

Mm, I remember you being pretty involved, actually.

And would we all not agree that words are weapons?!

I didn't even tell him about the vintage wines we have in the back.

Okay, can somebody close her eyelids, at least?

Holy fuck!

How are we still on this fucking tour?!

How are we still on this fucking tour?!

the lack of closet space will inevitably force us to break up

Wait, does this mean that you were ready to move in with me? No. No? No, it's a closet space, and a timing thing.

I've been neglecting my wellness journey

I learned the hard way from my last trip to Japan. Showed up, no cherry blossoms, turned right back around, it was such a waste.

Well, why else would we be driving to Elm Valley?

You had the dirty motel sex with? / Well, when you put it that way it sorta cheapens it

What, am I gonna walk around, and admire the cherry blossoms alone, like some pervert?!

You know what, I hope for your sake, that they have cherry blossoms in prison.

Two hours ago. / And we're sure this is the right hotel? / He's not coming. I'm an idiot.

Wow, for someone who can barely stand, she sounds good.

Um, long story short, I took a pottery class with this one. / Oh, uh, I'm Emir. / Oh, Dane... a. Dana. / Dana?

Oh no, I was, but then Tammy kept buying shots, and the whole room got behind me in like, a really big way.

Oh my God! Hello! Um, hi! Can I get another drink then, to the room, please? Thanks! / I actually just meant like, your mini-bar.

Oh no, I finished that.

Can you stop yelling, please?! I had 14 polar bear shots last night.

He told me he doesn't want my help, so I'm just gonna play the supportive partner, and watch him fail.

No! They asked everyone at the table except us, we're sitting right here!

Where is anybody gonna find glass-blown Venetian masks around here?

Besides, where are we going to find a salad bowl of E this last minute?

So forgive me for not wanting to run back into the fire.

never have I ever pretended to be a pizza delivery person so I could get into Jared Leto's Halloween party. / You're a bitch.

Sorry, I'm just trying to think of something I haven't done.

Eating out of the garbage? / Okay, I did that in front of you last night.

Hey! Do you wanna put Emir away for a hot sec, so this game can keep going, and the party can end soon?

Oh, I'm good. I don't wanna kiss anyone here. / My sister's sitting in the circle, You think I'm dying to play?

Okay, I don't know where 'big guy' is coming from, but it needs to stop.

You're like a tsetse fly.

Okay, is that what needs to happen to clear the air here? You guys need to kiss?

So, you think he's handsome then? / What? He's like-he goes to the gym.

Well, unless you were into candy ravers with asymmetrical haircuts and a lot of pacifier necklaces, I think our paths crossed at the right time.

Sorry, I'm just distracted, there's a guy over there currently flirting with my boyfriend.

- Poor thing. - I know. No, I meant you, David.

Hm, you planning on doing some journaling?

Just when I thought it was impossible to find a thirty-something named Ken!

Get fucked Alexis!

Do you mean the woman who wanted to know when the soap would be back in stock? Who came in here with her husband and kids?

Best case scenario, you realize how good you have it with me. Worst case scenario, you realize how good you have it with me.

Mr. Rose saw me topless. - Oh! Oh! - No! No!

something about his shoes just made me feel really weird, 'cause they were like, long and pointy, but then... Squared off at the toe. Yes!

We should do breakfast more often, this is really fun.

She was not 17.

David, you know the answer! - That's a lot of ovations.

No, no, you're not.

Dave, please, I'm on a private call.

I'd be more concerned about the baby, but what do I know?

I'd be more concerned about the baby, but what do I know?

If he gets cranky, give him some applesauce. - Those are $10 a jar!

They say it's an emergency, but is it really, Tina?

Yeah, so tell me the last time that watching the new 'Fast and the Furious' was an emergency!

He's um, three to four months. - He's huge for four months.

I was thinking next Wednesday between four and five pm.

I think surprise parties are tacky, and far too often organized by well-intentioned people with very bad taste. But... Patrick has always wanted one, poor thing.

I've actually been organizing this for quite some time, I'm just telling you right now because I know that none of you can keep a secret.

Not one of you knows how the 'Crows' movie ends. You told me the day you got home. You gave me the script.

Yes, things are certainly racing along at a dangerously rapid velocity.

Okay so I told Patrick that there's a salmonella outbreak at the café, so he will not be coming here until I tell him to tonight. Is it possible you could maybe choose a lie that doesn't make the café look like it's in violation of health codes?

I mean, what do they think, I'm just his business partner?! Possibly. I mean, yeah.

Well, that sounds reasonable. What did I just say?!

Okay.

That's why I brought this couple home one day in college, and just told my parents to deal with it.

You're gonna laugh yourself right out of the closet on this one.

The salmonella was a decoy.

The salmonella was a decoy.

Oh, no. I very much am.

For a minute I thought this was gonna get very dark.

keep him in the closet until then. I know that came out wrong, but we all understand what I'm saying, right?

But might I recommend the crab cakes? I over-ordered, and they cost a small fortune.

I don't understand his clothes, but... Ah, you will in time.

What time did you need me to show up to watch you play the baseball?

Can you play both parts? / Positions. And, no.

Well on the upside, there is an Isabelle Huppert double feature playing at the Elmdale Art House.

We just need a body! / Then go to the morgue.

I will cover you if any flies come your way. / I have a spray for that.

Given today's political climate, we don't need to divide ourselves any more than we already have.

How many of the questions are about the barbecue? / Most of them.

I don't do well with running.

This glove is brown. My shoes are black. What exactly are we doing here?

They let me go home early.

Does this come in black?

Okay, next time, can you make sure the ball goes into my glove? Thanks so much.

Nobody's gonna call you Popeye.

Okay, I don't know who this is, but can we put him back in the box?

Why? It's the only part of this stupid game that I'm actually good at.

I tipped it that one time, you even admitted that!

When you get hit in the back playing a game you never wanted to play in the first place, does that make you the VIP?

Yeah, it was mainly because I was smelling the barbeque.

Who voluntarily goes to a tax seminar? / Maybe the kinds of people who want to keep their businesses?

This is about those stupid Tamagotchi? / Actually it is.

Taking care of that many is like a full-time job! / I left you with six adult Tamagotchis in perfect health!

You have to like actively murder them in order for that to happen!

Unlikely... murderer.

Okay, like a serial killer?

so we're reopening the Blouse Barn?

Well, isn't that a compliment. For him.

she was looking for a Jon Gosselin type

What the actual fuck?! / They've ripped off our entire store.

Tulips instead of roses? Woof!

That's not me! And he's still standing there!

How far do you think we'd get if we just started running?

It smells like pennies and burps!

Gel Time Moist Liquid. Contains 100% moist liquid.

Who's Brad? / My fiance. / I thought you and Antonio were... / Oh David... We're business partners.

Who's Brad? My fiance. I thought you and Antonio were... Oh David... We're business partners.

what would I do without you? / I literally don't know, Wendy.

When you say you've done it on a lot of sinks...

I think surprise parties are tacky, and far too often organized by well-intentioned people with very bad taste. But Patrick has always wanted one, poor thing. So I am throwing him a surprise party tonight.

I've actually been organizing this for quite some time, I'm just telling you right now because I know that none of you can keep a secret.

Not one of you knows how the 'Crows' movie ends.

I invited Patrick's parents.

So tonight there will be a surprise. And there will be tears. Even if they're just my own. Okay?

I told Patrick that there's a salmonella outbreak at the cafe, so he will not be coming here until I tell him to tonight.

What? They're not supposed to be here for another 11 minutes!

I wouldn't have asked them to come here if I didn't think they knew we were in a relationship! They call the store all the time! I mean, what do they think, I'm just his business partner?!

Everybody calm down! Nobody say a word to anybody! / Well, that sounds reasonable. / What did I just say?!

That's why I brought this couple home one day in college, and just told my parents to deal with it.

You're gonna laugh yourself right out of the closet on this one.

I could be just your business partner tonight. If that will help.

The salmonella was a decoy.

So you're not in a relationship with our son? / Oh, no. I very much am.

David, we're not upset about Patrick being gay. / No. / Oh my God, okay! For a minute I thought this was gonna get very dark.

keep him in the closet until then. I know that came out wrong, but we all understand what I'm saying, right?

But might I recommend the crab cakes? I over-ordered, and they cost a small fortune.

Ah, you will in time.

Well, I guess that makes up for the fact that no one ate the crab cakes.

Did he just say 'merriment?' / I think he did. / Yes, I said 'merriment.' Because that's what happens when I spend too much time with my mother

Yes, you have legs like tree trunks, we knew that going into this

I made the mistake of going to Mario Lopez for advice, he was the hosting at the time

You make me sound like a feral cat

a cheque that apparently is tax for the government, and not, as I assumed, a bonus for me

your show is stripping me of a social life

We're both going home though! What the hell?!

It's 7:15. Are you sure you should be walking over there alone at this hour?

What the hell?! / I don't-I don't know

Dobro jutro, my darlings! That, of course, is good morning in... Bosnian. We know!

Okay, have we done something? I'm so confused. What do you want?

Aren't these just the cinnamon buns from the lobby? And wouldn't you know it, they have presented themselves unfolded.

Oh, it's just a gesture, David! Stop being so literal.

Yeah, I just sorta feel like picnicking by the side of the road is basically an invitation to be murdered.

Yes, so that you can tell me I don't need to!

Well, you should probably get your story straight if you're getting people to donate money, though.

Well, if you can track my eBay bid, then, by all means.

Just wonder why we couldn't have found a meadow somewhere, you know, with some men on horseback like, trotting in the background.

Well, the app that's counting my steps isn't working, so I honestly don't know.

Where's the bear?

and not a Band-aid to be found in either of them, but still.

Plus, you don't want to know what my Mom would do if you showed up to opening night, and couldn't walk.

Are these 24-karat? It's a yes, it's a yes! I love you.

Oh my gosh, is this what marriage is? / Nope, this is just left over from the picnic yesterday

Hmm, you could've lied

I look like I crawled out from under a bridge

David's elaborate engagement announcement fantasy

Good luck, honey! / It's 'break a leg'

There's something in the news about Oprah. She got new espadrilles

Patrick proposed, and I said yes

Patrick proposed to me yesterday, and I may have told her about it

When did this become about you?

Well, you dazzled tonight, sweetheart. Thank you. / Oh, sorry, I don't know why I thought you were talking to me

Jocelyn, I'm the one on the chair!

Jocelyn, I'm the one on the chair!

Unless we still wanna do a toast?

Beach curls back. Yeah, you've mentioned that a couple times.

Take it the 'Crows' movie is still shelved.

You invited Dad. Okay, I don't know what that's supposed to mean, Alexis.

You invited Mom? She's literally been asleep in a closet for a week.

Yeah, it's the only venue for miles that doesn't look like a crime scene from a missing person docu-series.

Oh no, not quite. God, no.

Are these in dollars?

Perhaps a copper package?

Uh, I planned my ex girlfriend's intervention in less than an hour. Plus, it'll weed out all the dead weight.

I once dated someone who left me for a stuffed animal. I'm not having my big day... Our... Our big day compromised because Alexis wanted to chill in a tankini for six months.

I might have overreacted and for that, I am apologetic. So, you're sorry. I knew there was a reason I came on this trip. My God. I am remorseful over an action I participated in.

Clive didn't have jumper cables because he doesn't drive because he's scared of car horns.

The truth is, is that I'm really gonna miss you. Thank you. I'm going to miss you, as well.

Like that time you showed up to Kate Winslet's wedding a month late. The calligraphy was hard to read and Billy Zane also did the same thing, David.

Like a thousand guinea pigs were being shoved into a wood chipper.

You've never said that before.

Oh, in other news: your father was arrested for indecent exposure. Ew, I'm eating!

Something spilled in the bed... there's wet in the bed

Do we have to file for divorce if we were never married?

Because I'm about to jump out of it!

I will take a shower, but we must never see each other again.

I love you. / I'm glad one of us does!

because I peed in it!

Maybe, but if the tables were turned, I can't say I'd be as generous.

You put down a plastic sheet?

More expensive than my dignity? / I mean, comparable, at least.

I'm just not that thirsty. / I'm doing inventory.

Okay, 'frands' doesn't sound nice.

I would rather not, thanks.

You look like the downfall of society.

there's literally no liquid left in my body, so.

what's the thread count on this plastic?

It's my mouthguard... Also, you look very beautiful.

I have never been more attracted to you. Mm, same.

I have never been more attracted to you.

Oh my God, David! Knock much?! / Hi, David! / Hi. Is he dressed?

You and Alexis were about to engage in cyber-sex. / Hi, Ted. / Hi, Mr. Rose.

Everybody out so I can finish off with Ted! Sick! Ugh! Goodbye, please!

Okay, 'Larrierre' sounds like a dollar-store perfume. It's an airline. Larry is the name of the CEO.

You know that I was once told that I would make an excellent flight attendant. By who? Sandy, the hostess on our private plane.

She once let me debone a branzino during turbulence.

if it's between the two of us, we all know who's getting the job. / if this is what we're working with, I think we can hand me the contract today.

So you wanna be a youth pastor? / While that joke was surprisingly sharp, these are Patrick's clothes.

While, that joke was surprisingly sharp, these are Patrick's clothes.

Larry Air, recent improvements: all chairs will have tray tables, not just first class. I feel like I'm flying on the Concorde.

I'd say my biggest weakness is... that I'm disorganized. Ooh, that's true. And, um, I'm indecisive. Yes. Uh... I also... Okay. We just needed one.

Would we consider loyalty a weakness? If not, I'm also really honest. I'm just gonna put down chatty.

This baby behind me has been crying for over an hour now and I just can't take it anymore. / I have shushed them thrice at this point.

I could either move those two to the back of the plane, or I could offer you some complimentary alcohol to make your flight a little more bearable.

no seat changes, and 'complimentary' is not in our corporate vocabulary. But finger snaps for David! We don't... Sure.

Fuck yes! I regret to inform you, you will not be asked to continue the process. This is so embarrassing. I thought you said David Rose. I did.

some of us drove some of the other applicants here, so it might just be easier if we all just moved forward into the next round.

I'm taking the peanuts, Carol!

You are such a sore loser. I am not! I'm not. It's just, do you really wanna work for a place that clearly doesn't know what they're doing?

Oh, well, they really want me to work for them, so I have to trust that they do know what they're doing. Admit it. I'm more qualified than you. Fine. Admit it. You're more qualified than me. Thank you!

let's see what exciting new job opportunities await you in your new career as an airline hostess. / I am so embarrassed for you! Now, I would love to use one of Larry Air's 'completely private' new paid toilets.

If you say Ronnie... - Oh, I don't think she would have said yes. - Does not like him.

Fine. But I don't want any hurt feelings. Because the last thing we need right now is interpersonal conflict eclipsing my... our day.

You do know that 'Pan Am' was cancelled after a season, right?

How honest do you want us to be?

Alexis, your flip-chart says 'premiere.' / What're you trying to say? / I'm sorry, why are you even involved in this conversation?

I don't like that one.

Remember that 'Waterworld II' premiere? Exactly, David. Oh, the last place anyone wanted to be when those reviews came in was a glass-bottomed pirate ship in the middle of the ocean.

Good luck though. / Lick rust! Thank you!

Thank you so much for all the hot tips you were giving our Uber driver. For a second, I was concerned about my rating, but I think he seemed to enjoy all the wrong directions you were yelling at him.

Why are you so handsome? / How come your skin is like... perfect. / It's a nine-step regimen I do twice a day. It's not a big deal.

You know what I really wanna do with you? / Uh-huh. Ethically speaking, I don't think we can do that with you in this state. / Have a baby.

Like I wanna have like a little baby with you. And we could just love it and hold it and bounce it. / Yeah, that's a... that's a big one-eighty.

You would be such a good dad. / Have we met? / I wish you were my dad.

You complimented my flawless skin and called me the Jewish Channing Tatum, which all tracks.

I'm not married to Christina Aguilera, am I?

Why are you dressed like a limo driver? / Your mother insisted.

Why are your pupils so dilated. / No, yours are. / No, yours are.

It sorta looks like people are running away from your movie, Moira.

It's called an immersive experience, David! / Immersed in lawsuits maybe.

it's sort of burning my hand a bit because I can't put it down on anything

our feet up on the... (Knock at the door) - You happy now?

Just do me a favour and watch these, and don't eat them. - Mm. No guarantees

Wow. We're still doing that

It really brings out your lips. - Okay

your face is all red. It's beet red. - It is not! - Mm-hmm. It's flush

Jake is nobody's ex and everybody's ex

I always have the option of online shopping and just putting things in the cart. That's not gonna happen

Is it new? And does it come in an adult size?

This is a leather-scented body moisturizer

Go long, go short. Just pick one

David asking 'Who came up with the word "bunt"? Sounds like something you'd need to see a surgeon for.'

David: 'I was referring to the pizza. But, also, the game.'

The 'Moira Rosé' pun and David's deadpan reaction

They should call it a... a Moira Rosé. [Chuckles] - Yes, that's what he has in mind.

[Faux excitement] Mm. What news!

David's obviously rehearsed excuse sequence with Patrick

You guys might wanna rehearse a little more next time. The extraction did feel a bit strained. - [Quietly] That was you. - Wha?

[Quietly] ERT-linger. ERT. LINGER. - Herb Ertlinger. - Nailed it first try.

David's deadpan 'Rich in potassium' about banana rosé

Wine tasting disaster - 'tastes like Amoxicillin' and 'burning my throat'

David's wine pun attempts: 'Moira-lot' and 'Moira Rose-ling'

David's reactions: 'Don't need that' and 'Ew' to parent analogies

This feels remarkably selfless. - You and Patrick are two good grapes.

Okay, speaking of Herbert, is it Herbert or Erbert? Like when people say Herb or Erb?

'Our designated grapes!' when Johnny arrives

David's 'twin brothers who kiss' complaint about sharing room

Now, do the step machines actually lift off the ground, or are the step machines just there to help you practice for when you walk onto the spaceship?

I want us to look like two very rich people that have just woken up after fainting on a dusty old couch.

No, you get to drive him to the spa where he will indulge in a relaxing five minute scalp massage followed by some light sun.

Yeah, see, side by side my Mediterranean complexion makes you look a little anemic so the spray will just even it out.

Yeah, I'm going for an English estate in the offseason.

Okay, well that's fraud and you're a criminal

I'm practically Sicilian, you don't need that much sun.

David, when did you become the Grim Reaper of romance?

Were you guys waiting up for me? - Ah! - N-no!

but you can call me Davey. Hey, how you doin', Davey?

Like you calling the florist, and getting a quote? - That might be one of them.

Jocelyn has been smiling and waving at me from across the room in a very disturbing way

More casual?

Have a 'Rose-y' day! - We won't be doing 'Rose-y day.' - No?

like when you walk into a casino and win big on your first pull of the 'Basic Instinct' slot machine

I just don't think it's in my brand. - I don't think I've ever said that.

No noisy customers or busy cash registers here, to intrude upon your inner cogitations. - It's-it's not usually this quiet. - Oh, it's always nice and quiet here.

Can you stop saying that?

It's just the more you keep mentioning that it's a gift, the less and less it feels like a gift.

David, I didn't know she wasn't invited to the wedding. / Well, you certainly fixed that problem for yourself.

So we're two minutes late and if this were the actual wedding, the doors would be closed and you would be locked out.

Stevie is my Maid of Honour, she's just here to eat.

And speaking of, we are adding eight more plates. I was finally allowed to invite some friends from New York, they're a caviar crowd.

Well, you don't want people coming to your wedding and only talking about the food. / That is literally the only thing I want them talking about. What is wrong with you?

Penelope asked if you wanted to crack the top of the creme brulée and you asked, 'If we break it, do we buy it?'

Apparently there is some nest egg they set aside for Patrick and his ex-fiancée.

my t-shirt is missing the 'with'

Wow, that's bleak.

isn't that a Jodie Foster movie?

You lost me at fun group game.

What could have possibly distracted you enough to do that to yourself?

if you're talking about your style, we can bring it back to life.

I would argue that you still have your memories.

there is only space in this family for one unstable sibling, and I have held that title for a very long time

It's an escape room followed by a really sad reception

how about half of us do the escape room, and then the other half of us get a table at the bar?

for some reason, thinks this is gonna be... fun!

I did tell you to wear sensible heels today, and I'm not sure this outfit is entirely appropriate.

Blow harder, David! / Oh my God, you blow on them! You blow on the circles then!

You're only saying that because you got one right!

You can use my phone, John! / You still have your phone?! / We all have our phones!

I have something... / Hi, just reminding you that you can't bail on the escape room thing, even though all of us want... / I actually wanna hear that one.

So, for someone who is all about signs, what do you think it meant that you were the one that got us out of the Galapagos?

No, I watched you slowly kill it.

I was tracking the metaphor

I was tracking the metaphor

Well, we did say no speeches, so... / Guess they listened.

Well, we did say no speeches, so...

whoever chose those photos, they were not approved.

Help? - I said support, dear.

There is a jet? Can I come? - I already asked. - I'll swap out with someone.

I forgot my wallet and keys and phone. Wait. Why-why are you doing that? - Um, apparently when dad signs the deal, we are moving to New York. - What? Well, who's moving to New York? - Mom and Dad. And me. - And nobody thought to include me in this plan?

I don't know, are you? - No. But you can share my muffin. - Seriously. What took you so long?

One of them was featured in season 3 of 'Sex and the City'.

I thought you'd be excited. Would half a muffin help? - I'm not sure. - I'm not sure. - Okay. Y-you took it so that's a good sign.

So you're like a businesswoman now. - Damn right I am. - I sealed the deal. It was really me.

We only have Zampagne. - Zampagne for all!

I don't see any breakfast. - Mimosas! We're celebrating!

David? You don't have to look quite so morose. You're with your family.

Your... Hair. Is in a ponytail because I didn't wash it.

What says, 'Patrick, you're gonna love New York' more: A gift card to Joe's pizza or tickets to 'wicked'?

You're taking Patrick on a trip to New York? Uh, no. We're moving there with all of you! What? Do you think we're gonna stay here all by ourselves?

So you're finally getting out. Yeah. Um... I should probably go talk to my husband.

'Cause I know how flustered you can get When there's more than one thing on your plate. Hm. Unless it's food.

Um, no, uh, I love New York. It was just a weird time in my life.

Um, no, uh, I love New York. It was just a weird time in my life.

Yeah, and by then you'll have met some people That would go and do that with you.

Hey Twy, like, cute dress. / Thanks. My friend gave it to me.

How many years have I known you, And I still can't figure out what goes on inside your head. Join the club.

That was a joke, in case it didn't land.

Good people. Good people do things like that. / Hence the reason why we don't understand it.

Why do you wanna go back to a place That's done nothing but hurt your feelings? Because I want those people to know that I'm not a joke. And that I've won.

Apparently there was an electronic music festival in Norway that took priority.

Because I want those people to know that I'm not a joke. And that I've won.

Did you put on deodorant today? Excuse me? I know, it might be the farm. It's the farm. Okay. I smelled something. It's not me! All right! We're leaving! Relax.

Wait. One pizza? What is this, les mis? Yes, it's a dignified family symposium, David. Not some all-one can- consume smorgasbord.

September 3rd. That's my wedding day. And we're tied to the third? - Oh Moira... - Am I tied to the third?

David, I promise I will make you so happy here. You fuckin' better.

You know, at this point who even needs a wedding, Am I right? Oh, I do. I need a wedding. Big time.

What happened? Who died? - Who died? Did Patrick die? No, Patrick didn't die, David. Then why did you startle me awake like this? My mind went straight to some kind of unthinkable tragedy.

Well, the day did have a slight singultus - What is she talking about? - A hiccup.

Oh my God. To where? Bob's Garage? No, his roof was no match for the cumulus clouds.

I've woken up in a 'Black Mirror' episode.

What kind of adult man rides a penny-farthing? He's a haikuist!

You can barely get through this without crying, so that's a no.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! - Yep. - Mhmm. Where are you going?! Somewhere safe.

Wow, let's not get crazy. No, we should have gotten married indoors. You said indoor weddings are tacky. No. I said most weddings are tacky. And they often take place indoors.

Besides those carpets do not photograph well.

How did you book a massage so last-minute? Oh no, all this was planned weeks ago. Just had a hunch you wouldn't handle stress well today.

You had like three bagels in half an hour. - They were a mistake.

Are we sure that's not just muscle - Yes. - All right, you answered that too quickly.

Uh, yeah. That was the first time I've ever received a happy ending. Sorry, what did you just say? The happy ending that the masseur gave me.

just because I didn't have the Town Hall on my mood board doesn't mean we still can't have fun.

I thought you wanted that?!

He gave you a happy ending?! On our wedding day?! I thought you wanted that?! See, this is what Ray should be filming.

I was both shocked and impressed! Okay, Marcia Clark? Court's adjourned for the day.

It's white. You're wearing a white dress. Duh. It's black and white themed. What was I supposed to show up in pink? Or black! You're wearing a wedding dress to my wedding!

It came with like a white, tulle, headdress, but I thought it overwhelmed the dress so I decided not to wear it. You're walking me down the aisle in a wedding dress.

Everyone is gonna think we're getting married to each other.

I don't think it's gonna look like a wedding dress unless you guys are standing next to each other. She's walking me down the aisle!

- Is that a bow in the back? - Don't, David.

I really wanted to impress you today. And now I feel like I'm ruining your wedding. I think you're giving yourself a lot of credit. My wedding was already ruined.

Okay. I think we're good. Okay.

Patrick Brewer, you are my happy ending.

I personally would not have missed this for the whole wide world. Okay. You're only saying that 'cause you haven't gone to bed yet.