Alexis Rose

Those bags are not for you. My boyfriend bought those for me. So, theoretically, they are his!

Yes, I bought that as a joke for my son. Wait, you actually purchased that town? Yes, I purchased the town. How else could I get the deed?

You could've photoshopped the deed! And saved the money! Why would I Photoshop a deed? The joke was owning the town!

There's like, cows all over the place. Like, everywhere. I don't know if there's an infestation.

David, what are we... - Shut up! - You shut up! - Um, you shut up! - You shut up!

Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! - Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Like, whenever stupid Mary-Kate stops hogging his plane.

Um, David, it will be four months next month!

I actually think this place is kind of cute.

It is charming. It is quaint. It's like out of a storybook.

Also, you have a big thing of dandruff on your eyebrow.

remember that time when he gave me his ex-wife's engagement ring?

He said he'd never date someone with a toe ring and yet...

she has hakuna matata tattooed on her foot. / A Disney tattoo shouldn't be a surprise.

Actually, now that I think about it, where are those friends? / They're just giving me space right now. / Because they're considered people.

We actually both decided that it was best that he see other people so...

Um, yes. Love that journey for me.

Maybe a neck tattoo would be cute. / No, it wouldn't.

obviously she'd be super devastated if I bailed last minute

David, for the gate party tonight is it more of a leather pants thing or... / Son of a bitch!

this swan is best when she flies solo.

I brought vodka as a house gift. / I don't see it.

this has been a lot of fun, but I'm starting to smell a little too much like uh, campfire, and denim and plaid and stuff so... bye.

she was face down on the carpet before dragging herself into the closet

I thought she was maybe looking for a contact or something

No, I did Saint-Tropez, so. And I did her birthday, and Aspen twice.

my horoscope said that I shouldn't assume responsibility for anybody but myself today

Though it is kind of fun to watch, though. Not when you're the one she's trying to back over with a car.

What kind of name is Kika anyway?

I just remembered that being a mother is not your strong suit.

she will have scrambled egg whites and some steamed spinach, please

Oh wow, I'm really bored.

Are you, like, a poor person, or?

Gwyneth Paltrow does a compost gift exchange.

Um... all that's missing is my middle name. / Then fill it in please. / Do I have to do that?

Do you not know my middle name? / Of course I do. I blessed you with it. / Okay, so um... then what name should I put down then?

Um... I drove into the Prada Store on Rodeo Drive. In fairness, it did look a lot like, um, the entrance to a parking garage. And I was high at the time.

Speaking of unfit homes, why do you live in a barn? / What's wrong with living in a barn? / Mm... nothing, if you're a goat.

No, Johnny, they had to guess which one was the truth. / Mm... which one was the lie. / It's just-it's just one lie. / You said two lies. / No, it's- / No, the game is 'two truths and a lie.' / It's truth. / That's the game. / Well, yeah, because babies play that at their birthday parties.

Um... okay. My eyes are brown, I am basically sample-sized, and one time I escaped from a Thai drug lord's car trunk by bribing him with sex.

I clearly would never bribe anybody with sex.

Everyone can just calm down because Aroon was a lovely gentleman until he ran out of money.

Mm-hmm. Guys like that will bone anything. / Well, not anything. / Stop. / 'Cause that would mean... / Stop. Stop. / That would include... / Stop it. / You. Which it doesn't. / Don't. / Ew.

Look, I know you probably think that you're this handsome man around town who's like... Handsome, mysterious... And handsome and homeless-y

I have been in the middle of some very messy group scenarios

So why are you sneaking around with your mom anyway?

Um... yeah, because they always wanted a daughter with a record, who dropped out of college, so... Pretty much delivered on that one.

Emma. Your middle name is 'Emma.' / Is it? / I'm sorry! No, Hannah. / I'm embarrassed for you. / Elspeth. / No! / I think it's Elspeth. / It isn't! / I should know! / Wow.

'Didn't you once take the wrong baby home from preschool?' / 'Alexis looked Chinese as an infant.'

'It was so clean. It was really clean.' / 'because you had a maid to keep it very clean for you.'

'you do have an interest in lounging on a bed that mom and dad have had sex all over?'

'I miss being surrounded by loose acquaintances who think that I'm... funny, and smart, and charming.'

'Who the... Bleep... is this?' / 'He's the worst, okay? So just breathe through it.'

'You can't say mother! You can't say mother!' / 'She wasn't getting it.' / 'That's the point!'

'Every time the vein in my brother's eye twitches, we take a drink.'

'I'm sorry that I wanted to have fun tonight and invite a few random guys over and try and make out with them, okay? You're not the only one dying in this town.'

Alexis casually tells the important business caller 'No, sorry, you have the wrong room. He's actually in room 6' and hangs up

Alexis casually responding 'Well, I hate to admit it, but I actually know very little about heart murmurs.'

Alexis saying 'Honestly, David, I have tried to find my pulse like a thousand times and nothing. So don't worry about it.'

David's escalating health panic: 'I have not been able to find kale anywhere here- how long are we going to be talking about you for?'

David: 'I think I'm having a heart attack, is what's happening!' Alexis: 'David, you are like 34.' David: 'I'm basically 29.'

Twyla asks why Alexis gets dressed up for community service, Naomi Campbell reference follows

Alexis's fashion philosophy: 'Naomi Campbell wore Dolce & Gabbana couture to her community service. And just because she was picking up roadkill did not mean that she needed to look like it.'

Alexis dismissing panic attacks: 'Babe, you know that panic attacks aren't real, right? They're just things that celebrities make up to...'

David's selfish system explanation: 'I don't wanna have to bring this up... But it's my turn to take a selfish.' Reference to Dubai 2010 disaster

David and Alexis at yoga: 'Okay, well, I'm not touching you.' 'Well, I'm not touching you.'

Alexis accidentally touching Mutt inappropriately during yoga: 'Omigod! Omigod! I'm so sorry. I'm sssso sorry.' with exaggerated panic

Oh! It's basically the same thing.

I'm sure there's like another girl... somewhere.

(Alexis giggles and spits out smoothie)

Did you know Richard Gere's middle name is Tiffany?

I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so... I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be fine.

I actually introduced him to Beyonce on the car ride on the way home, so that was very special.

Well, he did that too.

First day of a cleanse, so she's a little whoo!

I do not like what this cleanse is doing to your brain. / You're being very rude!

stop being so generous and nice! / You pinned somebody against a locker?!

He always said hi when he passed me in the halls, and for some reason, it bugged me.

Can you not just say no for one time, Ted?!

Now you get all decisive-y?

Alexis, you'd like this product. It's all about aging, and dry skin. Oh my God, ew, David!

Hey... I come in peace. What's this? I don't know, it's a pre shave follicle mask or something, I took it from the pile of product that nobody bought.

You have to understand that you're the first nice guy that I've dated. / They don't like me? / No, they do! They do, they've just always seen nice as a sign of weakness

Say something super mean. / What, I can't just turn it on in an instant, like you can.

Well, and you, what about you? Are you just going to sit around all day, while I work and buy you dinners? You've gotta go out there and get a job... / Too far. / It's too far, okay.

Is anybody in that hollow chest?

They're like really scummy. Like... very skaggy people, who happened to produce a child that hasn't been taken away from them yet.

Does... does that mean it's full?

Out! Out!

There'd be slutty little animals running around.

Is it a credit card?

So, was it cute for you, or what? It was fine. It was... It was weird. It was good. Love that. It was good but weird. I love that!

Ted wants to meet my friends, so I think it's getting kind of serious. It's been two weeks.

Well, that's crazy, because all I want is some podunk baby out of wedlock!

I think that you two really, actually need the idea of, um, getting a life.

Uh, walking over to the cafe and ordering a tuna melt is hardly what I would call a 'flourishing social life.'

Twyla, I love your outfit, you look like a waitress!

Alexis's confused question: 'Why did I think that you were dead?'

All right, you guys treat yourself, okay? Buy yourself something nice. - $100? - Oh, my God.

Alexis's story about Saudi prince relationship: 'three-month affair... but for the last two months I was trapped in his palace trying to get to an embassy'

Alexis's relationship wisdom: 'if my boyfriend ever described our relationship as fine, I think I would literally...'

It's so uncomfortable when he does stuff like that. / No. Absolutely not. I feel so weird about it.

It's so uncomfortable when he does stuff like that. - No. Absolutely not. I feel so weird about it.

But, babe, you're going to a veterinary conference in a Chicago suburb, and I think that's... That's really important for us.

David, you and Mom literally ruin my life.

It's a cake. / It's a torte.

And wake up chained to a pole in a trucker's basement? Not today.

because I think she's going through something right now. I don't know. Something with her body.

Something with her body.

Okay, well, how do you think I got these glasses from the gas station?

Um, did you have to kill a man to get it, or... / I did.

I thought everyone just kind of dropped you like flies when you couldn't pick up the tab at the Waverly anymore?

And do what, eat a cronut at a Brooklyn flea market?

so I can pack how I wanna pack and I don't have to be called a circus freak all the time.

If I was staying, then yes! A thousand times yes! And if things were different and I wasn't leaving, um, then definitely yes. / So, is that a no? / Yes.

I'm not a dolphin, Mutt.

You should really work on expanding your emotional range at some point.

His hours were up a month ago, he kept coming anyway. / What? / Yeah, maybe or maybe he just likes pretty girls in hippie hats.

Why did you do all that extra community service, Mutt? / I like to stay active. / Really?

You know why! / Why can't you just say it?

I'm pretty sure I'm engaged, and I'm pretty sure I just cheated on my fiance.

Can you ask her if she has any extra bedspreads?

Like, Ted keeps harassing me for an answer to the whole, am I gonna marry him thing

it's so tragic, 'cause my mom is in this like, waking coma, and my dad has developed more of a stutter

By who? By me.

My best friend in kindergarten ran away, and her parents didn't notice, and she ended up getting adopted by this really rich Asian family in Vancouver, but then they had their own kid, so she kind of got neglected a bit, and I can't remember whether she's back on the streets now, or...

Technically though, someone did leave, and so the dust just hasn't really settled on the whole... us leaving thing. - Yet.

I'm just super tired from walking, though.

Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David geffen's yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!

We slept together! Ooh...

There's a bug on your dress. - Ew! Ugh! Oh!

I didn't go missing, David. The FBI knew where I was the entire time.

I don't know David, why did you steal my eyeliner? - That was a phase in high school!

Oh my God, who hasn't, David!

This was before my nose job, how was anyone supposed to recognize me?

Next time, someone will think twice before they steal my truck, yes? Ooh, burn, David!

We've already done that. What number are we on? Oh my God! Is this not your mother's recipe?

Agh, you're like a big, dirty raccoon, David!

Nobody can cook, this is basically child abuse!

I thought it was an actual table, David.

Oh my gosh David, it's gonna be so fun for you tonight, doing that with Mom.

Oh, okay, it's just 'cause the last time I was in here, you told me to leave your office, so, I guess I was just having a hard time gauging where we're at, as two people who used to um... be well, um...

Are you wearing makeup? / So what if I am?

Oh my God, it's like we're sharing a brain!

No! / 'Cause you and me... / You and I... / No, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh! It's-mmm!

I don't know if it was the timbre of his voice, or the fact that he smelled like baby powder, but I just, I physically couldn't do it!

Like, there must be people out there who say yes to getting married because they can't say no, and then what happens?

Well, I was about to give Hazel a blood test. / Well, I think it's probably better if you put Hazel down. / What?! No, she'll be fine!

You're the perfect boyfriend, Ted. / Thank you... / But... / I knew there was a 'but.'

No, no, no! There is no 'but.' / But you're just not the perfect boyfriend for me.

Well, I did book us a two week couples vacation that's non-refundable. / Ooh, yeah, that makes... That makes it harder.

It's creamy. Very creamy.

Um, like, he brought all my stuff back, and I was like, this is great, but then at the same time I was just kinda like, I feel like I need my space right now.

So... but I'm really glad that I told him, and he took it really, really well.

That's a cute little wood thing, David. - Thank you, I made it.

David? / David, what is this?! / It looks like a bike. / Is it yours? / Yes. Yes, it is.

My God, imagine what kind of ring he'd buy! Like an opal, or something. Ooh, like a pear-shaped opal. (Groans)

Well, you said you missed spin class, so... I did! I did say that I missed spin class. And so you bought me a bike! Because I said that I missed spin class. Because you're so thoughtful and perceptive.

(Whispering) I hate you, David!

I don't know how to ride a bike. What? I said, I don't know how to ride a bike!

And David, was such a little drama queen when my parents tried teaching him, that they threw all the bikes into this big bonfire up in the Hamptons, and we never talked about it again.

Yeah well, most kids also get head lice. I'm sorry if the opportunity never presented itself.

And try getting into 'Kiss Kiss' in Tokyo without a lock of human hair.

I like it 'cause Jared Leto gave it to you, and he was my first kiss, but I don't know if I like, like it, like it.

When have you ever bought me cold medication?! Exactly, I knew it didn't feel right.

Maternal instinct, maybe? No, that's not it. No! Maybe. No!

Ooh, my first job was actually a gap kids campaign when I was six. To your first job!

I love how we can just be silent with each other.

Because now we can just express how we feel through silence.

I don't need to talk about everything, I'm just saying that, if I stopped talking, then who knows when we're gonna start talking again.

Fun? - Porn-y.

Where are the scarves? - Oh, I sold those, too.

No jewelry stands. - No jewelry... - Noooo! No, David! Jewelry stands!

Honestly, honestly, I have no money, and an empty purse from two seasons ago!

Oh my God! Your face! Yes, you can see it now! You shaved!

You'd have said, uh, 'wow Alexis, I'm thinking about shaving my beard.' And then I would've said, 'hm, no mutt, I don't think that that's the right journey for you at this point in time.'

I was a beard for a very well known actor, and I get it, it's uncomfortable.

My beard is your favorite thing about me! - I said one of my favorite things. - No, no, no, no. You said, 'favorite thing!'

Look at your little doll lips.

Like maybe I need to talk less and listen more, and you need to talk more, and listen less.

Like, amazing! There was this time in the barn where I climbed up onto this rafter...

Like, I've been to doctors about it.

I think I need a hug, or something. - W-you what? - I need a hug.

Did you get new bedding? - Um, yeah, I did. But it's a write off, so I don't...

Oh, did you pick up that random condom that was on the grass there? - Ew yeah, whose was that?

It's just temporary storage, David. / Look at your things. Look at your life!

I wasn't drinking water. / Okay, so maybe it was mine, what difference does it make?

That she serves you... at the cafe. / Because we're friends.

Stop doing that with your face!

Since you did tell me to break up with him, and then you dated him...

if you can't be by yourself, then you probably shouldn't be in a relationship.

Twy? Call me if you get off work early!

she is going to a bar to have her needs met by some lovely gentleman she's yet to meet, who is cute enough to sleep with, but not nearly mature or stable enough to marry.

'Cause everyone will think we're together. / Okay, I think you're giving yourself a lot of credit. / I was being generous.

No, I'm just taking some 'me time.'

Like, I know you dated David, but everyone's allowed a mistake, am I right?

I'm the one who should be at a sketchy bar meeting randoms. I'm the one who should go missing!

you can snap the duct tape by just raising your hands over your head, and then bringing them down really hard.

It's like a drive-thru, except everybody has a gun.

Like, really good, like, super... sun kissed, and muscle-y.

It's like if the 'Sons of Anarchy' had a vet.

I mean, I get it, it's fast money, and no one would ever suspect you.

I had a friend in Venice Beach who sold raw milk, and his entire compound was raided.

'Cause I was wondering why would Dad order $300.00 worth of milk?

Um... okay well, $394.40, so I guess kind of closer to $400.

I try and do something nice for somebody, You think I would at least deserve a 'thank you!'

I remember I just got my braces off, so...

Actually, my birth name is Angelica.

Oh my God, is that David?

There's a button missing on your jacket. What? Oh ew, you poor thing.

I have dated enough Wall Street losers to know that 'making things liquid' is not a good thing!

I mean, I've always had clean, radiant skin, but I'm an anomaly.

See David, this is what happens when you wash your face with a bar of motel hand soap!

Um, are you sure you're not thinking of mine?

No, no, don't worry, because then I would have to pay you back, which is gonna be hard because my entire family is broke, and we can't afford to eat right now, so.

That would be uncomfortable accepting free money. No, no, you'd be working. Doing her job, and I would pay you for it. Oh!

Well, you've seen me text.

I'm loving this Q and A, but I think what's important right now, is my positive attitude. And I don't wanna brag, but 'Us Weekly' once described me as 'up for anything.'

He asked me several questions, most of which I answered.

My deepest condolences? I know things have been tough lately, but I'm here for you, and hope this helps. Love, Alexis.

Was there supposed to be something in here? In where? In the card. What do you mean? Oh, it's just the card.

David, Dad's poor right now! He's not poor anymore! Because someone gave him more than a cheap card!

Whatever happened to empowering women's sexuality?

Obviously you've never been out for Halloween, David.

David, the factory in Guangzhou assured us that it was lead-free.

I wasn't sure what the etiquette was for this kind of thing, so I walked around the block a little bit.

Oh. I thought this was kind of an either/or thing.

Those bare legs are dangerous. Ted! No, I'm serious. The animals carry bugs or ticks that can burrow into your bare skin.

You won't even miss your last secretary once I get finished with these puppies.

Like I once dated this Sultan's nephew who was forbidden to talk to me or even to look at me and we made it work for like half a regime change, so...

I have been swamped. Doris's cat is like totally high maintenance.

Yeah, he's dead. But! But the good news is, you're not.

But you're free, Doris, and, in a way, so is Mittens.

how many two-week vacations are available per year?

The entire Rose family chaos with banging, yelling, and confusion over loud music

Stevie, you look like you would know about affordable housing.

I am thinking about getting a place. I have some money coming in, and it's just... It's not really a cute look to be this age, and live at home. No offense, David.

M'kay well, you're a full grown man, who's much older than me, living at home. So it's just a little bit embarrassing.

Because David, as an attractive, single female, I don't feel comfortable going to look at an apartment by myself!

This is so cute for me. This is cute, right? I think this is super cute. Wait, is it cute? 'Cause I know that it's light, and spacious, and... airy in here, but I just wasn't sure if it was cute. Oh, it's cute.

it actually kind of reminds me of your old um... office space that you had in the West Village.

You know, sometimes at night, I see things. Oh my God, David! Like... dark things. Like sometimes there's this old woman that paces back and forth by your bed, waving her hands over your face. I don't think her bony fingers ever touch your mouth, though.

Do you ever wake up with chapped lips? Dad! Dad's dead. Ohh, you're such a dick, David!

Were you picked up by the South Korean Secret Police on New Year's?

Did you or did you not have a subscription to Cosmo Girl when you were 16 years old, David?

No. Okay, David, if you have to lie about something you should breathe out while you answer 'cause it really just calms you down.

I'm not gonna wear my own clothes into the room, David. They're not scary enough.

If Prince Harry trusted me with his life, then I think you can too.

Oh my God, you're so cute. Um, I'm not a lawyer, but I'm glad that my fashion pony is working.

Angelica Bloomfield of Rose, Bloomfield and Glickman.

Objection sustained.

Well, the point is, judging by your bag and those shoes, Blouse Barn Australia is paying you quite a bit of money

And let's be honest, 'Blouse House' doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

Isn't that something that you two are supposed to say to each other?

Congratulations on your ongoing love for one another. You did it!

Well, love 'little!'

Like, a really pretty poem, or like, a mermaid, or something.

It was so nice to finally meet you, Tallahassee, so... / It's ah, Tennessee. / Yes, Tennessee. I love that name, it's so unique. Um, thank God you look the way you do, because that name on the wrong girl would just... Ooh!

Some townies were trying to get us high, and we didn't want to offend them, because they're doing so well in life.

Okay, this is not okay! What are you guys doing here?! / Shhh, Alexis! For once in your life Shhhh!

Is that term still a going thing? - No, that's no. - No, never say that again. - Don't do that.

let the road take us where it wants. No plans, no phones, no schedules. Basically my worst nightmare.

You literally could not have said that any faster.

Which you must really be... 'pining' for by now!

Well, I don't think Jake is here to see David. We can hear you. Very clearly.

Don't worry, David, I've been in this situation like, the most times, except I'm always the girl getting into the truck.

The least they could do is offer us a ride!

So you can share a boyfriend, but you can't share a piece of cake?

When it comes to three people, David, there's always a favorite. It's just like how Mom likes you more.

David, lunch today? - No. - Oh, okay. Well, I'll dine alone. See?! See what?

I took one tiny break to watch two episodes of 'Scandal' with Mrs. McCreary, while she waited for her dog!

'What's your favorite color?' - Black. - That's one of the questions!

That was a wine tasting tour, and I was seven years old! You could've used the spittoon, That's what the other children did.

I don't remember throngs.

What is your favorite season? Awards.

Hey, sorry I'm late, there was very heavy foot traffic on the way over.

Who is this cool cat, and what did he do with Ted?

Did you get in a bar fight?

You owe someone money. / Alexis, I pay off my credit card bills two weeks in advance, what do you think?

No one's gonna know that you're having an adventurous little rendezvous with an apple-cheeked farm-woman!

Is that when one of you is on the floor, and then the other one kind of just like hops...

Um, so what are... where-how... Where should we do... Well, I don't want people parking on her!

She like, thinks she has a cat? That's so sad. But I guess she is like 50, so that makes sense. / Yep, she's 42. And she's not crazy. It's... code.

A booty call?! / Well, I'm not crazy about the term, but...

Ted, look at you, Little Sexy Susan!

Alexis reveals 'it took him like, 16 tries to get it last time' with gleeful specificity

Alexis gasping dramatically at David's expired license

The detailed recounting of David's multiple driving test failures

Alexis having licenses in seven different countries

Alexis having an 'F' Class license for transport trucks

Alexis mentioning parallel parking in a burka

Alexis asking David to hold the wheel while she checks her phone

Alexis having a 7-year-old drive her around Mumbai

David asking the driving examiner 'people aren't thinking about you the way that you're thinking about you'

Alexis saying she walks through life 'in really nice shoes'

David's revelation about being constantly worried about Alexis being held hostage in 'East Asian palaces'

Johnny's 'fixed' tap now making the hot water come out of the cold tap

The tap can't be turned off and is burning Alexis's hand

Is it a job? / I don't know, do I look like Ginnifer?!

David, your inability to retain information that doesn't directly pertain to you might actually require medical attention!

David there's nothing here but... 'hot singles in my area.'

Attractive and spunky forty-something female. / In my sleep!

The Crows Have Eyes... Two. / It's a sequel, that's good. It must mean the first one was a big success. / I've never heard of it.

He looks like if Ricky Martin and Mark Consuelos had a baby.

Why should the person who is performing surgery on your pet have to have a six pack?! / You have a six pack.

Um, what's the Dude Cave? / It's the all male strip club outside of town. My cousin Dwayne works there; he drives a Corvette.

That is very popular with people who hate their jobs, or are in loveless marriages.

That's like, double your Instagram followers. / Okay, my account is private, thanks.

Ted looks good. / Yeah, he does. / David, he looks really good. / Okay, that's gross.

Oh no, why didn't you tell me the camera could see me when I get back from my runs?! / I just noticed!

Although there was a moment last night, where it looked like you might have known, and you were doing this like, thing with your hips.

People were very concerned as to whether or not you would get your pants on successfully.

Well... who's to say that people weren't watching for the bunnies? / I am, that's what I'm saying.

Did you know you can still get mail? Yes, I know about mail. No, but I'm talking about like, mail, mail. Like a little man in a uniform, with his satchel full of letters, traveling door to door.

Um, that's a mailman. And he comes to your house, you pay him, and he gives you your stuff. I think it's free delivery, David. I don't think so...

And he comes to your house, you pay him, and he gives you your stuff. I think it's free delivery, David. I don't think so...

it's just that the town only has so many ex-boyfriends to hand out secretary work. Um, first of all, David, I'm an assistant, not a secretary, And second of all, Ted is not my ex-boyfriend, he is ex-fiance.

You've circled "Stars and Cosmology?" Oh yeah, I thought it said "Cosmetology."

Okay, it's just that I misplaced my high school diploma when we lost our house. No, I wish it was a flood.

That's almost word for word what they just said to me on the phone.

Okay, what are you doing? Reorganizing my knits!

Pub nights, frisbee in the quad... Late night hacky sack. Mhmm. We got some serious sack circles going. Oh, so many sex circles. Sack. Hacky sack.

Didn't you say on your resume that you did four years at UCLA? Yes... technically, if you consider Bel Air an extension of the campus, which everybody does.

But I did meet Beyonce in Mykonos, so it was almost worth it.

Wait a minute, we were at the graduation! Yeah! I know, but I wasn't. We saw you there! Did we, though? Yeah. We were there, we might not have stayed through the "R's," I think we left halfway through the "L's."

Then how do you explain this graduation photo? Huh? That's Jess Chang! What? Jess Chang? Well, who can tell with all this hair in front of your face? That's not my face!

Okay, he's being sarcastic! What?! It's a defense mechanism. From all the bullying.

Um, it's this long, boring story involving a yacht, and a famous soccer player, and like... a ton of mushrooms.

Anyway, I think it would be so great if we could just go around the room, and everyone could tell me like, five things about yourself.

Hmm, well, I asked Kirsten Dunst, who played her in the movie. Um, that line was actually written years before Marie Antoinette allegedly said it. And um, Kirsten also told me at the premiere that she was jealous of my bangs.

Friends called me Marie because I was seeing Prince Harry

My friends used to call me Marie, And that was mainly because I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole like, is she gonna be a princess thing

New girl in town can be super intimidating

I stole this dress from Ashlee Simpson. Or like, she stole it from me, and then I stole it back.

Is it because I was texting in class?

Oh my God, thank you!

Trust me, if I could've gotten someone else to write this, I would've.

Duplicitousness?! I can barely say that.

Okay, like, I didn't even choose this font! It's horrible.

which is why it was super upsetting when she said it wasn't good. - She what? - Yeah, she said it was bad.

duplexity, and backtowards!

Why couldn't you have helped me cheat in private school, like everyone else's parents?!

is it really plagiarism to take something your dad wrote, and put it in your paper, and claim it as your own? Yes, that's exactly what it is.

you're better... 'than' that. / Okay, I'm better then that. / Not better then that, better... than that.

That's like 53 pounds.

I'm currently studying business and I'm David's sister and life coach so.

I'm sorry if my hands are too soft. I've just been sampling a lot of product.

Okay, well I flattened out the lip balm. So no one's gonna notice.

Actually, the textbooks now say eighteen months.

Well, I don't have my textbook on me.

It's called sweat equity, David. I learned about this week.

Okay, what if I got Patrick to break a sweat for me. That's called outsourcing, outsourcing...

Do we call him uncle Roland?

When did you date Sebastien Raine? / They dated for like a month and a half and David got very upset about it. / Okay, It was almost three months. Four, if you include the month that he was seeing other people.

Remember when he dumped you? And you ate all those mall pretzels, and watched 'Bridget Jones's Diary' every day for a year. / It wasn't a whole year, And I will not feel shame about the mall pretzels.

But, I volunteer to work here. / Because it's your job.

I thought my community service hours would apply but they don't count because their court-ordered.

Um, it's just I have a thing with skin tags and old smells. So I might just need to think on it. / Well, tonight's gonna be fun though, dance lessons! / We'd have to touch them.

Dot, you won't need the Swiffer. / I guess I'll be dancing with Ted.

Although I did think that there would be more of them. / Yeah, well there used to be, but... you know.

Oh, okay, but these ones actually smell like very clean, like baby powder.

Does Dot have arthritis? Because it looks like she's giving me the finger. / Well, she has arthritis, but not in that hand.

Is she not cute? / She's not you.

I did not know he was a substitute teacher, and basically, nothing happened.

She doesn't look like a horse, she just talks about them a lot. And smells a bit.

This is the last time I take a pity selfie with Kelsey!

Meredith! She's new-ish, you might not remember her, just kind of like, mid-length, like wavy hair.

You know that it's me, right?

Um, you know that it's me, right? - Yeah, caught on pretty quick.

Plus I didn't want you to picture me like some well-toned bug woman.

I didn't want you to picture me like some well-toned bug woman.

It reminds me of when I was in Bangkok. There was this amazing little Resto-Lounge that specialized in Tahitian food, and scalp massages.

The Moira's Rose's Garden. / So the garden is dedicated to a rose that Moira owns?

Those are the last four digits of your father's credit card.

I don't even remember posing for this. Because you didn't. You were in rehab when we sat for this.

I wasn't in rehab, I was at rehab visiting Stavros.

We had your face painted on the body of my assistant. That's why you look so good.

She said that her cat is better. She doesn't have a cat.

somebody isn't coming in today and someone's cat is better. Oh, and someone's something may be worse...

I got a 60 and a 65! Alexis, those are the class averages. You got a 63 and a 68!

Like when your parents kiss their friends... on the mouth. Yes. Like kissing your parents.

I had to delete groupon from my phone last week. Just 'cause three vacuums is enough... Vacuums.

You picked up a stick. No, it's a pencil shaped like a twig.

I have a favour... - Oh, great. Um... I would love a ride to work. - I meant, I have a favour to ask.

Well, who says that, 'I have a favour for you?'

I didn't tell you because I don't want you to come.

It's bad enough that I have to wear that unflattering black dress and then the hat with the thing on it in front of people that I don't know.

I'm very uninterested in that option. - As am I.

Ugh. - What? - Woof... David.

formal training is usually encouraged. - Well, I don't have formal training.

The poor thing went to cat camp.

Maybe there's a job out there that I'm better suited for. And some other like gorgeous, slightly under qualified girl is sitting at my desk asking herself the same question.

I'm just realizing that wanting to come in and laugh at your animal puns isn't enough when there is like people here.

Those were genuine laughs? - Sometimes, yeah.

I don't know why. Everybody graduates from high school.

It's not too late if you wanna come. - Hey, it's okay. Don't worry about me. Mommy is going to be fine.

Okay, I always knew there'd be a murder here eventually.

French your business partner literally the second he peeks his head out of the closet.

Patrick is a sweet little button face, David, so don't mess this up.

Yeah, like an old tent by the side of the highway.

Oh my God, was there like a pet massacre, or something? What is with all these sad looking people?

I literally just quit, Ted. Again, quit implies a negative connotation and I'd say that we had a pretty fun time working together.

I got a job here, and I have literally zero interest in animals, so you guys are already like, way ahead.

I found it very telling how many people would just accept a cocktail from a total stranger.

we may uh, you know, need the apartment at some point. Apartment at some point. My God, like for sex.

Thirsty little thing, isn't she.

Um, I liked the guy with the glasses. Me too. Um, or the guy with cystic acne. Either or.

Season five Carrie Bradshaw, like, super professional and polished, but also like, chill and flirty in an impossibly expensive sort of way

Yeah, and you're already wearing your little gloves, though

This is the same college where Malala gave that devastating commencement speech, right? / I don't know, David, maybe he did

I knew this was gonna happen! I knew you were gonna get way too involved in this

If I don't like it, I'll just give it up, and move on!

So... I'm guessing the quad is just like, on the other side of the building? / The office is in there, make a right. / A 100%

Okay, then I guess I would just like my money back, then. / Again, we don't give refunds

Dad's trying to get me to drop out of college. / No, that's not what was happening! I-I thought we were talking about something else. / What else? / Oh, he thought you were pregnant

David, Alexis isn't... / No, it's okay. I mean, have your fun now David, because when the twins arrive, I'm gonna really need your help. / Um, that's a hard pass

Okay, but just picture them as like, tiny little roommates, whose tiny little poops you get to clean up!

Don't do it again, and I won't call the Po Po. - Did she say Po Po?

Ok, um, but you're in like a day dress. Mhmm, I am.

Hm, that sounds super embarrassing.

John Cougar... No. Mellencamp. But guess who drove me home that night? Mr. Rose. Yes, you're right.

John Cougar... No. Mellencamp.

It took a year. A year? But if it's meant to be, they'll come around!

I'm driving? That's a good idea!

Ok, I'm wearing sunglasses because I'm in mourning, David.

We make a very good team, David. You do the talking, and I sample the merchandise.

Nom nom for us, David. / Never say nom nom, again.

She's 42, and I know!

Stop it, David, I'm not a baby.

Fun. Mm hmm. Must be very helpful for you. How's that going?

Super generic and trill.

Oh. No, people have told me that I just have like, one of those voices. Super generic and trill.

normally I don't like blue cheese in my mouth, but that was very... not bad.

But if you've ever had her quiche, you can definitely say that it is eggs-cellent.

Yes! Well, I mean, like technically I had more responsibility than just answering the phones but...

The quiche is vivacious, and that is not a word I use to describe quiche often, but you know, when the time is right.

I know that David is looking for exclusivity on your products. / Ooh, she is good.

I'm just glad Ted's found someone so stable and healthy.

You're in love with him, aren't you? / Yes. Yup.

it's just like a cartoon of a construction worker holding a sign that says 'we'll be right back'.

the woman's voice was aggressive and off-putting. / I had strep at the time.

Um, I actually prefer to be called a freelance brand invigorator.

That's great, because Step 1 of the plan was this presentation, and we nailed it.

Okay now, three more steps to your left.

Pretty country girl who doesn't care about big city things like... dressing well, or how she looks.

call it the Budd Inn. And now that I'm saying that out loud, obviously we're not gonna do that.

You're probably thinking like, oh, is my foundation off by a shade? Am I wearing the wrong top? And the bottom line is, maybe.

Johnny's looking half-normal.

Okay, well that would just look insane.

not to brag, but this re-brand got me 77% on my final marketing exam.

I had a... very intimate connection with Tony, for several years. / She was your pen pal, David. / She was in a penitentiary, dear.

So David's at work and you had nobody else to talk to? / What? / That's...

It's a tactic, Stevie. You send someone a random text message to get their attention, and then the next thing you know, you're talking again.

I used to text Zac Efron just like a question mark whenever I wanted a booty call. Poor thing would be like buzzing my apartment before I even pressed send.

You're like super smart, and pretty in like a... breezy, non-threatening sort of way.

I'm also glad I did. It's good to see you. It's also good to see you.

Hello dummy, why do you think I'm here?

I assumed that, based on your face, and... body.

Well, I don't know, he had 6 sliders. I'm assuming he'll be falling asleep soon.

but at the same time, he's been watching that show for 3 hours and my phone's in there.

What's bumpkin? / It's an online social hub for rural singles

Research. I was testing the water for her, David. Poor thing's clueless.

Why is he shirtless with an armful of puppies? / His nipples are out.

I no longer need backstage passes to the Teen Choice Awards.

He's the only attractive person on here, David, what did you want me to do?

It's Bumpkin with a wink emoji.

What did he say? - Sup? - Okay.

It's just that there are like ten guys on here, and three of them are Ray.

I didn't recognize you without your nipples. / The puppies... the um, the cute little puppies that you love to photograph yourself with.

Brought the nipples. / Not about the nipples, um, about the puppies.

I just like making careful choices. / Yes. To that.

you learn pretty quickly when you're in a Ugandan diamond smuggler's villa playing for your friend's freedom.

No, yeah, I know it wasn't that. Um, you're gonna think this is so random, but it was actually about something else.

Executive Assistant. And yes, but only for like a minute. But you guys were engaged? Um, very briefly. And just twice.

Okay, just to be clear, I couldn't do this first.

Uh-uh, that's not what that means.

Looking for a hook-up. / Well, that sounds promising, Alexis, he's open for hooking up for dinner, or drinks. / Uh-uh, that's not what that means.

Oh my wives. / All right, which way do you swipe to get rid of this one? / you've just Bumpkined with Jebediah.

And, there she is! Hot off the presses! Alexis Rose. Why is there a line through it? Oh, toner must be low.

Yes, except my orthodontist had a slightly better printer.

I'm sorry, did David spend four months earning a degree?

Pubic relations. - What? - No. - Oh my god, give me that!

So you're wearing a leather sweater, in the dead of summer.

So you waiting a full week to forgive him has nothing to do with the fact that he showered you with gifts and attention every day. That is purely coincidental!

Yeah, I think it's that, uh, and I think it's the fact that you've been a smidge needy this past week? - Hmm. - Maybe needy's the wrong word. - Hmm. - Clingy?

And a few pages of temporary letterhead. And um, a list of Buzzfeed's most motivational quotes for girl bosses under 30.

Did someone mention the posture thing? - What? - What is the utility shirts?

Like he built David a basketball court for his Bar Mitzvah. - Oh boy, okay. - Mm hmm. And unfortunately, the only way to like, train it out of him, is to show him just how wrong the gift is.

Like, David forced us to watch him shoot at a basket for 10 minutes, until the ball hit the rim, and then bounced back in his face.

But it actually worked out perfectly, because all David really wanted for his Bar Mitzvah, was a nose job.

Oh, and also, he gave me a diamond tennis bracelet for my Sweet 16. - That's bad. - I know.

Sorry, so like, a singles event, then? - That word is now considered derogatory. I believe they prefer to be called independents.

So you stole my idea, took it to Council, and claimed it as your own? - Alexis, now is not the time for pettifogging!

I don't know who that is. - Oh my god.

You know people can see you, right?

A 2-for-1 discount for 2 singles eating together. That's it, that's the winner. Yay!

Oh my god, what are you doing here? - Oh. - Okay, so... me, Albany, Jitney, and Candy, we just needed to get away from the city for a bit, and so Vice put out this guide to the most random cities in North America, and we were like, lets him 'em.

See you tonight, babe. See you tonight, babe. Hm. Hm.

Hmm. Wow, love that for her.

It's a puppy adoption, and we're done. Planning. So, thank you.

I, of course, am your co-chair, Alexis Rose.

It didn't slip my mind, I just like, didn't go.

Mutt, you're making me feel partially responsible.

I totally thought she was like, the one for you.

Okay, bye.

Um, but maybe I could take a puppy home for the night. You know I can't let you do that. Yeah, no. That's no problem.

Um, I was just thinking if there was like, a particularly runty one, like Cindy, or like, no, no. That's okay.

Wait, Jocelyn's driving? Yes, Alexis! She insisted! My nerves are fried!

Hey, singles, I'm Alexis Rose, and I, like all of you, am single

Now, I used to think that my one special lock needed to be like super aggressive, and come from a long line of Adriatic royalty

or have a beard, and be really into the woods

So instead of actually giving it a real chance, you throw it away because it was too nice

Um, actually you may not be able to tell by the way those two are gazing into each other's eyes, they actual work for rival newspapers

Um, actually you may not be able to tell by the way those two are gazing into each other's eyes, they actual work for rival newspapers.

Seems there's a lot more of me in you, than I give you credit for. Lucky me

unfortunately, Ted and I will be unable to attend

everything on my list requires pre-order

Look at you in that flouncy apron, you little Christmas Elf!

But instead of cookies, it was whatever we could find in our parents' medicine cabinets, and instead of a Christmas party, it was an old boot factory in Krakow.

they have all agreed to give you one last chance... one... more... final chance.

Making it? I thought you wanted me to handle it? Like, work the door, make sure nobody gets in that isn't on the list!

You didn't tell him? - Oh, my god. - Okay, I hate this!

everyone low-key hates me. - Uh, hate is a strong word.

the Jerry beads

You know I hate to miss a good party.

Ted's vet friends are coming by later, and I have a sneaking suspicion they're a little bit...

What, it's just nice. Nothing's happening. - Looks like you're crying. - Oh well, I'm not. It's just we're... - We ran out of red!

Stickers! - Of old men! - No, they're stamps, from all over the world.

Alexis points out 'She already hung up' when Johnny says goodbye

Alexis says 'Oh! Burn, Dad!' followed by David's 'Oh my God that's so embarrassing, you must feel ridiculous'

David's comeback: 'You're dating a vet who irons his polo shirts'

Alexis counters with 'Ted and I got Electrical Storm. So.'

David asks 'Did you plug your hairdryer in with wet hands again?'

Alexis defensively responds 'that happened twice David, let it go'

Alexis's descriptions: 'Like a tiny toadstool man, or a little acorn person, or something'

Alexis and Patrick's rope course puns: 'I really hope we didn't rope you into something here'

He and Anderson Cooper were stuck up there for like, three hours, until the wind died down.

Alexis's confession: 'I took the quiz like, 15 times. In Need of a Generator is like, the only answer you can get'

'In Need of a Generator' is like, the only answer you can get.

Oh! Bye! / Ewww! / Eww. / Ugh!

Okay, I would like to remind you that I don't have a therapist anymore.

No, you've said that like, three times now.

Tell that to me at 21, escaping the yakuza.

Also, I forgot.

Okay, I asked if I should be worried.

I'm just so scared of losing it.

No, but um, one time I did do a book report on David's diary, and it was very dark.

And by that I mean it fell off her wrist at a Halloween party, and I kept it.

Now, this appears to be a photo of Twyla? / Yes... I put that there. Because Twyla is an important friend. / And Twyla's mom? / Is her important friend.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, that was David's wallet.

I got Twyla's step-brother's dog tags. And a whistle.

Most VIP guests wouldn't be caught dead at a motel like this, no offense.

That's cute.

I was once paid to talk up Heartblaster Energy Drink at a Third Eye Blind concert.

You look like someone who just wandered in off the road.

And Adam Levine and I just went for bubble tea.

That makes total sense, considering how nobody you dated ever expressed any interest in that.

Alexis is becoming a major girl boss, and is she just saying this so she can expand her home office when I move out?

How do I sign up for this turndown service? Is there a clipboard, or something?

So I just signed for this, so does that mean I get to keep it? Also, what is it?

What designer gave you that kind of discount? / Sadly, it's not custom this time around, Alexis. Mommy had to shop off the rack.

I once passed off a mini horse and three Guinea pigs as service animals, so anything is possible.

No, that detail actually slipped my mind, so maybe I'll just take it.

Old Shan out there. / Okay, first of all Alexis, she's not old, we went to vet school together.

Most people are a fan. So when someone's not, it's usually on them.

Yes you did, you little smooch monster!

Beep, beep! Paging Dr. Casanova J. Heartbreaker.

Yeah, it's funny because I actually am a doctor. / So am I... / No, you're not. Just-just Ted.

Can I get a 'hell yeah' for two hard-working women in the 21st Century?

Mmm! Muah! Muah!

Clearing the air about that little trip you two took to pound town.

Yeah, I don't think that's relevant. / Ahem. 'Dear Melanie.' / Melanie? Is this the girl from the falafel place?

'Cool!' Exclamation mark. / And it looks like you ended up walking her dog for her? / Well, she seemed really upset.

And that cute lil' butt.

And that cute lil' butt.

And those are the shoes we're going with? / What do you think? / No.

Remember that time that you told me you'd be there for me if I ever needed you? / I don't think that was me.

Seriously. A nighttime couples massage, what is this, 1985?!

My best friend, Summer, used to date Hef in high school, which isn't as weird as it sounds, 'cause he was like, a very young 77.

never have I ever pretended to be a pizza delivery person so I could get into Jared Leto's Halloween party. / You're a bitch.

Babe, did you rig this? / Maybe I did, and maybe I did!

You remind me of me at a high school house party judging all the attractive and popular kids for being attractive and popular.

was it the time you kissed my boyfriend? Or... was it the time you kissed my boyfriend?

what would you do if Patrick and I suddenly kissed at a party? / Or Patrick and me.

We're just gonna go for a ride, see where it takes us. Maybe start a vet clinic somewhere along the way. He'll the animals back to heath, I'll... offer grooming services.

That was fun. / Yes / That was really fun. Did you have fun? / Yes, Ted. / Did everyone had fun? / Yes, Ted.

You kissed my brother tonight, I'm not kissing you after you kissed my brother. / Pffft! Who kissed your brother?

But first just give your brother a kiss. / Ew, Ted, Ew!

And this is the only casino I haven't been banned from as an unaccompanied minor.

- Poor thing. - I know. No, I meant you, David.

I mean, I think it's funny 'cause when he first walked in here I was gonna help him, so to think it could've been me enjoying Ken.

That hot piece from the store?

Like, Pippa Middleton, or Rihanna.

Mm, tell that to his million dollar smile, David.

Josh Groban has a thick, leather-bound binder full of them.

Hey Ted, I'll be there soon, but I just can't leave David alone right now. Yeah, no, apparently they left for dinner at seven. Radio silence.

Please never use that phrase like, ever again.

It's like a... faint whisper of desire.

my Vin Diesel adventure

I've fallen for my Zumba instructor. - Bill? - Bill.

that young, hot young Zumba instructor is gonna do when he finds out that Cheryl has a huge crush on you.

Not one of you knows how the 'Crows' movie ends. You told me the day you got home. You gave me the script.

How did it end again? Like, a crowmageddon? Crowpocalypse.

You did a commercial for adult diapers! In Japan! In full-face Kabuki makeup!

You took me to the Playboy Mansion when I was seven. And you had a wonderful time in the children's grotto.

Oh! Daughter? More like sister. Ew.

We used to use that for sangria, because it was like, so cheap, and... so good.

And if we're talking feet, it's $75 for one, $150 for the pair.

Yeah, um, I was one of the original Pussycat Dolls, But I only lasted like, two weeks. Because apparently, I'm 'too pretty'.

I don't. / Fine, 'artist'.

If this is anything like my first day with the Pussycat Dolls, it'll be a couple of hours of Kegels, and then an afternoon of cheeky Bellinis.

Just like Nicole Scherzinger did for me.

I'm just wondering when the Bellinis are coming out?

Who voluntarily goes to a tax seminar? / Maybe the kinds of people who want to keep their businesses?

This is about those stupid Tamagotchi? / Actually it is.

Taking care of that many is like a full-time job! / I left you with six adult Tamagotchis in perfect health!

But I didn't pay for that. / I know, I got it at the flea market.

Thank you for the delivery. Do you need my signature? Oops.

my... grandmother passed this morning. / Ew! Oh my God, Ted! / Sorry, I wasn't prepared for an improv.

You pulled some new tricks out. / New to you.

the door was unlocked the entire time! / They would've gotten quite the show!

And if we're pointing fingers, David, I've done it on a lot of sinks and I've never had an issue.

You told me the day you got home. / You gave me the script.

How did it end again? Like, a crowmageddon? / Crowpocalypse. But you didn't hear it from me.

You're looking especially fresh and photogenic today, Mother.

You did a commercial for adult diapers! / In Japan! In full-face Kabuki makeup!

There is a dark side to Mummy's industry, and I've tried to protect you from it your whole life. / You took me to the Playboy Mansion when I was seven.

'Touched With Grapes.' / Oh my God, that's your wine? / Yes. We used to use that for sangria, because it was like, so cheap, and... so good.

And if we're talking feet, it's $75 for one, $150 for the pair.

I've just been to Miami so many times before, and trust me, the 'wildlife' is not as sexy up close

We just need to figure out where. / And what page is that? / Well, we both agree that we wanna get away, and we both agree that we're gonna land on somewhere so good

I once maintained a successful, semi-committed text relationship with Josh Hartnett while he was shooting 'Pearl Harbor'

That was a good talk for everyone

Babe, do you have a dishwasher? / Okay, I'm just gonna... I'm gonna figure it out then

Sorry, you know those days where you're just like, super in love? / Hmm, not really

Like, he gives me so much, and I have learned to take as well

You're like my little fairy godmother, if she wore an apron, and Celine Dion's perfume

Yes, Ted Mullens, I will go to the Cayman Islands with you. / Uh, you mean the Galapagos?

Yes! Let's celebrate! / Uh, no, no, no, I meant like, vaccinations

It says 'that's hot' in Cantonese. Got it in Hong Kong. / I was 12-years-old!

Dobro jutro, my darlings! That, of course, is good morning in... Bosnian. We know!

Okay, have we done something? I'm so confused. What do you want?

Oh my God, Turkish Cosmo once included my photo on their list of the world's best sarongs.

I don't actually go in the open water, but I can't wait to see you do that.

Ew, Ted! What am I, 32?

Um, just being on the internet.

Like, I will physically be there, but I will be thinking about them here.

What if something happens to David? I'm basically his only friend.

You expect me to bring this with me?! This frame is like, ten pounds!

Moira offering Alexis the publicity job while she's leaving for Galapagos

I'm going to support my boyfriend, and hopefully, eat, pray, love, a bit for myself

Outside of criticizing someone's style choices

Alexis's overwhelming emotional reaction

It's just nerves. About the show

I was shocked! / Shocked? / Amazed. I was amazed

Galapa-go now

it's time for Ted to... Galapa-go now.

Oh my God, just spit it out, David!

I fit my high school best friend into a suitcase way smaller than this when we were crossing the border between Laos and Vietnam

Beach curls back. Yeah, you've mentioned that a couple times.

You invited Dad. Okay, I don't know what that's supposed to mean, Alexis.

I left Stevie double-fisting drinks in a hot tub at the cabaret wrap party last night. I think I saw you triple-fisting at one point.

Oh no, not quite. God, no.

See, David? Imagine if I wasn't here for this moment.

Um... I will not be here in one month, so I guess that makes me the dead weight?

And I would never wear a tankini!

I might have overreacted and for that, I am apologetic. So, you're sorry. I knew there was a reason I came on this trip. My God. I am remorseful over an action I participated in.

Oh, I'm not wearing them on the plane, they hand out slippers with the mimosas. When was the last time you flew economy?

your flight's not leaving for another month. Yeah, but it's day before month, so you're not leaving on July 8th, you're leaving on August 7th.

The truth is, is that I'm really gonna miss you. Thank you. I'm going to miss you, as well.

Like that time you showed up to Kate Winslet's wedding a month late. The calligraphy was hard to read and Billy Zane also did the same thing, David.

he still hasn't lizard-proofed his place and I have absolutely no desire to be there until that happens.

I've dated enough mid-level latte art influencers to know what the people want.

Big news coming soon, caw caw!

So people basically got like, a whole podcast about how David's wetting the bed again.

you just posted your entire conversation with David and Patrick!

If I wasn't your publicist, I would be enjoying the situation a lot more than I am. Which is still like, quite a lot.

we discovered a new breed of fly that mates with itself. Yummm! Mm.

I've actually been bench pressing 100-pound tortoises because there's no gym here

Ted! Stop making me jealous of turtles. Tortoises, but I do have tur-tell you

Oh my God, David! Knock much?! / Hi, David! / Hi. Is he dressed?

Everybody out so I can finish off with Ted! Sick! Ugh! Goodbye, please!

Please tell me it's not a testudine. No, it's a turtle.

Relax, they said he's already been washed.

I've named the turtle Ted. All the blogs about successful long-term relationships say that the key is creating shared experiences.

it's been weeks. But between the patchy Wi-Fi and like the ten-day nature trips, and me being alone here, kind of feels like he left the day that he flew to the Galapagos.

The turtle flew to the Galapagos? No, Ted the turtle is missing, I am now talking about my boyfriend Ted, Twy. It'd be great if you could keep up.

The slowest animal on earth escaped from me. That can't not be a bad sign.

Oh, and if you do see Ted like waddling around in the kitchen, just feed him a carrot and shoot me a text. I hope you're joking. Me too, girl. Love you!

How do I know this isn't like an abduction or something? It's not an abduction. You didn't blink. I believe you.

And you're wearing the little tie with your short-sleeved shirt. My little Galapo-guy. / Yeah, it's actually really hot here, so the bottom half is just my bathing suit and flip-flops.

Ted! More about your bottom half, please! / Twyla's not standing right behind you, is she? / Hi, Ted.

In fact, they actually named the new fly 'Alexis.' / The fly that mates with itself?

Like think of all the people on the planet who find someone, somehow you're one of those people.

I mean, you didn't end up marrying JC Chasez or Jenna Elfman. But I actually feel like Patrick is kind of the best of both of them.

Well, if it isn't our very own little JC Chasez.

If you say Ronnie... - Oh, I don't think she would have said yes. - Does not like him.

David, you better be talking about Stevie Nicks.

Imagine what I could do with your bachelor party, David. Diplo still sends me nudes.

I once hooked up with three different GQ Men of the Year. At the GQ Men of the Year party.

I once planned Megan Fox's bachelorette on this tiny island off the coast of Montenegro where nothing is illegal. Like nothing.

Oh my God, Stevie. I get why you and everyone else would be asking that question, but the answer is... like maybe?

Oh my God. Since when did James Bond shop at Elm Glenn?

I think it would be a weird look for me to be a flower girl at my age, David.

Like come out first, wearing a gown made entirely of flowers... and loop back... and then quick outfit change, and we're up.

As your publicist, it is my job to optimize a branded approach to real-time engagement with your fanbase through contextual marketing. I hope I'm not paying you by the word.

Which is why I came up with the ideation for the following idea.

Alexis, your flip-chart says 'premiere.' / What're you trying to say? / I'm sorry, why are you even involved in this conversation?

Roland has a guy who rents out live crows.

That was mine. I've been looking for that. / Blame UPS.

Fine. But you owe me a prime spot on that carpet. / Wait, you wanna walk the carpet? / Honey, it's a movie premiere, is it not?

Trained! Some of them were painted seagulls.

It's called an immersive experience, David! / Immersed in lawsuits maybe.

Fresh omelettes

The competition is eating crow

I haven't received flowers from someone I wasn't... friends with

What other hand? - Ted!

Fresh omelettes

Would've saved us some time

Alexis's cult recruitment language: 'are you ready for a total physical and emotional transformation?'

Well, you pushed pretty hard for it, Alexis. - You said you'd buy me lunch.

Alexis's cult definition: 'not the good kind... not like when you go to India to follow a long-haired, sexy man around'

'Cults prey on sad, weak, vulnerable people' followed by 'I'll try not to take that personally'

Anyone think I might like a sleepover? - Ew... Ew!

Ew Ted, they made you drink milk on the airplane?

Hi, uh sorry there were limited options at the airport gift shop. 'Have a great flight', so sweet.

You're starting to sound like me trying to end things with B-Rock on the Backstreet Boys Millennium Tour.

You know that I can't make big decisions under pressure, that's how I ended up with a pixie cut at prom.

'Cause I did that with Harry Styles in England, it was like too rainy.

More like I politely but forcefully asked everyone to leave.

Also, I may have forgotten about the whole milk situation.

I skipped the class that taught us how to... care for large mammals and I don't know how to get it to leave.

Were you guys waiting up for me? - Ah! - N-no!

it was like, way too expensive, but hey, I'm not the one paying

Artie loves to scat along with the songs. - Do you know what scatting is? - I do, not a huge fan.

Artie's an old soul, and you know how I'm an old soul, so we're just like, two old souls having fun together. - Well, he is an old soul. I'll give you that.

his ex-wife owns a vineyard, and his kids and grandkids are gonna be there.

Oh my God, is he calling me right now?! That is so 2001.

Yep, you just double-tap on photo with your finger.

and she puts thing, says it's a lunner menu. - Lunner!

Oh don't worry, I'm over 21, Dad.

His taste in makeout music, for example, like, so weird. Like, who even is Cat Stevens?!

Where were you when I was dating half the cast of 'White Squall?'

Oh, you're looking so natural and peppy. / A bit of a rough night actually. / Well, you're fooling everyone, dear.

Well, I feel like your publicist should be there if you're meeting with Tickle Bernstein. / Tippy. It's Tippy

You vomited a demon into a toilet, and then fell in and drowned.

But on the condition that Clifton be written off the show - death of my choosing. And I asked for more money. / And a diamond tennis bracelet.

Okay, how is it that your daughter is also trapped in the cave but has never looked up once. You've been hanging over her for three straight episodes.

I haven't showered in like two days. Is this the lowest point of my life?

This is a Galapagos-themed room!

What?!

Trust me, Stavros and I used to make out in his parents' aviary.

No, the finch. Second row, in the middle.

Blow harder, David! / Oh my God, you blow on them! You blow on the circles then!

Candle.

My friend Prairie got one tattooed on her lower-back in seventh grade.

being in a high-pressure situation, with time running out and a lot of people yelling at me, it just like... made me feel like myself again.

There is a jet? Can I come? - I already asked. - I'll swap out with someone.

He looks the same age as the day I met him. - Oh, I'm sure he's just as handsome as he's ever been.

I forgot my wallet and keys and phone. Wait. Why-why are you doing that? - Um, apparently when dad signs the deal, we are moving to New York. - What? Well, who's moving to New York? - Mom and Dad. And me. - And nobody thought to include me in this plan?

Okay. You would have no way of knowing this, but usually when someone sends a jet for you, it means he's very interested. Trust me. And Tiger Woods.

Oh, David, you try finding an affordable one-bedroom in a place that's not Atlantic City.

Oh my God, your bedroom would have one of those little beds that comes down from the wall.

John, we're here for you. Oh, Alexis your hands as dry as an autumn leaf. - Eww.

Oh, Alexis, garbage day is the same for the whole street. You didn't need to bring your garbage all the way here.

No, twy, I can't take your money. I've seen how people tip here.

Okay, well, if you don't do this for money I'm scared to know what you do do for money.

I won some money in the lottery a few years ago. Oh my god, Twy! Go you! Why did you not tell me this before?

I just won $92 million? You won $92 million? Oh, no. Sorry. Okay, because I literally was about to pass out. Yeah. No, no. I split the $92 million with another guy.

This cute dress makes me smile. Hm. Not quite sure how that one got in there.

Twyla's café tropical. It's got a nice ring to it, right? Yeah. Or like 'Twyla's café'. Yeah, I don't think so.

Even though I know I'm gonna regret it, In like a minute. I think that if I'm gonna do this on my own, I need to do this on my own.

Good people. Good people do things like that. / Hence the reason why we don't understand it.

We have money now and the last thing I want is to leave town with some cheap-ass, soggy wedding.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! - Yep. - Mhmm. Where are you going?! Somewhere safe.

A part of me feels like... I'm almost glad that we lost the money. Well, I'm happy you and your feeling are so well acquainted.

- Boop. - Oh.

It's white. You're wearing a white dress. Duh. It's black and white themed. What was I supposed to show up in pink? Or black! You're wearing a wedding dress to my wedding!

It came with like a white, tulle, headdress, but I thought it overwhelmed the dress so I decided not to wear it. You're walking me down the aisle in a wedding dress.

I really wanted to impress you today. And now I feel like I'm ruining your wedding. I think you're giving yourself a lot of credit. My wedding was already ruined.