Meet The Parents

I think surprise parties are tacky, and far too often organized by well-intentioned people with very bad taste. But Patrick has always wanted one, poor thing. So I am throwing him a surprise party tonight.

When I planned that Casablanca-themed party for your mother's 40th, I had to quarantine the camels for a month.

I've actually been organizing this for quite some time, I'm just telling you right now because I know that none of you can keep a secret.

Oh! At 9 a.m. it's a little early for character assassination.

Not one of you knows how the 'Crows' movie ends.

You told me the day you got home. / You gave me the script.

And you were both sworn to secrecy, so David is right not to trust you.

I invited Patrick's parents.

Yes, things are certainly racing along at a dangerously rapid velocity.

So tonight there will be a surprise. And there will be tears. Even if they're just my own. Okay?

How did it end again? Like, a crowmageddon? / Crowpocalypse. But you didn't hear it from me.

I mean, meeting my best friend's son's boyfriend's parents for the very first time, I am very touched that you wanted me to share this moment with you.

I asked you to mow the lawn three times, Roland, So you being here is more your decision than mine.

Oh, no, no! I do get that all the time, though. It's uh, you know, you've got David's handsome looks there, and then my face.

More like, runs it into the ground.

Oh, we do have a lot of fun around here, don't we? / We do, sometimes.

But uh, I'll have to admit, I've been somewhat of a skeptic about those two. / This one isn't as progressive as the rest of us. It's a generational thing with him.

I was talking about the store, Roland. You know, mixing a business relationship and a romantic relationship, well, that's... it can get kinda tricky sometimes.

Really? Because it kind of seems like the two of you just found out some really shocking information.

Huh. Correct me if I'm wrong here, Johnny. But it kinda seems like they didn't know their son is in a relationship with David.

You're looking especially fresh and photogenic today, Mother.

there's a darling little medical clinic in Elm Grove. Where if any one of us, say, you, or your father, participates in a few nugatory tests, we could be bringing in over $200 a week!

Or, you could make $2,000 in one afternoon.

motley crew of pale, dewy-faced salamander people

You did a commercial for adult diapers! / In Japan! In full-face Kabuki makeup!

But there will be a safe word in case the gaggle of asymmetrical faces gets to be too much.

I told Patrick that there's a salmonella outbreak at the cafe, so he will not be coming here until I tell him to tonight.

Oh. Is it possible you could maybe... choose a lie that doesn't make the cafe look like it's in violation of health codes?

Did you run here, Mr. Rose? / No! Just a pleasant walk.

What? They're not supposed to be here for another 11 minutes!

at one point Patrick was engaged ahem... to a woman, so...

romantically in business with each other

Ew!

I wouldn't have asked them to come here if I didn't think they knew we were in a relationship! They call the store all the time! I mean, what do they think, I'm just his business partner?!

Possibly. / I mean, yeah.

Everybody calm down! Nobody say a word to anybody! / Well, that sounds reasonable. / What did I just say?!

There is a dark side to Mummy's industry, and I've tried to protect you from it your whole life. / You took me to the Playboy Mansion when I was seven.

And you had a wonderful time in the children's grotto.

Who's Gloria Gregson?! She only played Grace on 'Touched With Grace' for 37 years. The woman has 17 Emmys for playing a hot-headed nurse who healed people with her sexual touch.

Oh! Daughter? More like sister. Ew.

Um...

there is a small chance that this could change everything. That they might see me differently, or treat me differently.

That's why I brought this couple home one day in college, and just told my parents to deal with it.

You're gonna laugh yourself right out of the closet on this one.

I could be just your business partner tonight. If that will help.

The salmonella was a decoy.

So you're not in a relationship with our son? / Oh, no. I very much am.

David, we're not upset about Patrick being gay. / No. / Oh my God, okay! For a minute I thought this was gonna get very dark.

keep him in the closet until then. I know that came out wrong, but we all understand what I'm saying, right?

'Touched With Grapes.' / Oh my God, that's your wine? / Yes. We used to use that for sangria, because it was like, so cheap, and... so good.

$20?! I charge $50. And just in case, I wear open-toed sandals.

And if we're talking feet, it's $75 for one, $150 for the pair.

Also, we're going with 'Surprise.' 'Happy Birthday' was too wordy, and we couldn't nail it at rehearsal.

But might I recommend the crab cakes? I over-ordered, and they cost a small fortune.

I like him. I like him a lot. / Me too. / I don't understand his clothes, but...

Ah, you will in time.

Well, I guess that makes up for the fact that no one ate the crab cakes.

David, I know my parents. They're not good actors. They knew about us, right?

And the gift basket that you gave them that I'm hoping you paid for, that had nothing to do with you trying to smooth things over with them?