Patrick Brewer

Patrick's self-deprecating humor about his wardrobe: 'When a guy can pack his whole wardrobe into an overnight bag, you just don't really think that he'd be much of an interior designer.'

Patrick's literal laundry method: 'It's just I do beat my laundry against rocks.' David: 'You're a freak.'

Patrick's admission that he never looked at paperwork in his galleries

Patrick's non-answer when David asks if it ever came together

Patrick's escalating time periods for 'stepping away' (15 minutes to 2 hours)

Patrick saying he needs a valid driver's license to run errands

Leased.

Give you more time to... oscillate.

Battin' a thousand here, David.

I love the buzzwords, David, but I do need to put something down here.

Hi David, it's Patrick. I um-was just calling to run my business plan by you in a little more detail.

Ciao! I said ciao to that person.

Which that's not - that's not your name.

Oh God! Yeah, the text cut us off.

Just kidding, I didn't play them for anybody.

I may have played them here on speaker phone.

'Rose Apothecary,' you know, it's just pretentious enough.

it's just pretentious enough.

I um... I actually picked out that frame.

Oh well, anyone with a fiber of common sense would know that.

I can't tell if this room is just very, very small, or if the portrait is very, very big. Well, I think it's quite possible that both are true.

It's just that I don't normally share beverages with people. / Really. That is shocking news.

Some people have nice, clean mouths, and some people have sloppy mouths.

No. You've got a sloppy mouth.

I've been meaning to have my family portrait airlifted in...

I don't think that's gonna happen.

You'd think there'd be more of a market for oversized paintings of other people's families.

Twyla's whole family. So, like, 75?

Looks like this soft launch is firming up a bit, huh. But it's not supposed to be firm. Well, with this many people it's definitely at least semi-firm. Okay. Well, as long as it doesn't get hard.

we'd be 25 percent richer if we just done a hard launch.

That would be a no. No, we've always had some kind of party. Oh. - In fact, sometimes two parties.

I've heard people raving about how 'moderately edible' the food is there.

Those are wet now. - That's a lot of spritzing. - I'm gonna dry those off.

I almost didn't see you there through the mad rush of the Friday night dinner crowd.

So you put it on the table? - Yeah.

A bold claim.

Huh.

Ding-a-ding.

How serendipitous. Thank you, Peter. It's Patrick. Anything else? Nothing else for me, thank you, just the scone. You mean the tea? Why not. Thank you.

that, that felt like my first time.

I just need you to say nice person. You're a good person. That's not nice.

David and I were just in the back doing some inventory. / Yeah. / Hmm, yeah

David, did you give me a hickey?! / Okay no, I didn't, I gave you a-a half hickey, because we haven't had the time or the privacy for me to give you a full hickey!

I noticed the line is a couple inches above where the whiskey starts. / I am stunned by your generosity

Given that we only have the apartment for one night. Maybe it's best if we... lock that box back up for now?

You know what, we didn't even get into your history... / Lock it up, David. Lock it up

What just happened to you? Like, breathe it out.

Four teens, one pack of gum, which you gift wrapped.

Four teens, one pack of gum, which you gift wrapped.

It's the exact same move that I used with my klepto friends in the Hamptons.

if they're not selling it on the black market, then they'll need to come back and get the moisturizer, or their t-zones are going to be like, super effed!

someone with your combination of skin should really be using product with tea tree oil in it

Don't do it again, and I won't call the Po Po.

I cursed those bears with the little strength that I could muster up.

Well, it's not exactly before work the store opened about 25 minutes ago, so. But yes, there is a chain, and no, you're not on it.

Well, it's not exactly before work the store opened about 25 minutes ago, so.

What? Nothing, I just um, just remembering all those times that you compromised. I was just thinking about the same things, because there, there's so many to flip through.

You made me pick between two Sandra Bullock vehicles.

Just so that you know, making someone choose between two things that you like, is not exactly a compromise.

Yeah, pretty much.

you insist on keeping them hidden away in the back room because you find them offensive.

I think it was something about your boyfriend's shoes? Um... I don't remember saying that.

My boyfriend doesn't like the shoes, so I'm gonna take the shoes off.

This is called an acoustic guitar.

Or more importantly, do I wear anything under it?

He was never found. / Probably dead.

In fact, by saying nothing at all, you... you spoke volumes.

I just, I guess, didn't know, how many olive branches you were planning on extending. - Ideally, one!

Okay, so... so you just said that to me for the first time, knowing that it would make my day more stressful. That's correct

That went well

No, I am making this perfect moment, perfect.

Wow. So, what time is the Ghost of Christmas Past coming to visit you tonight?

Do you have time to mood-board a color scheme? - Does anyone? - No.

David's seduction attempt: 'how sexy it is to walk in here and see you doing um... inventory? And wearing those little rubber thimbles'

Patrick's earnest explanation: 'They help me flip the pages easier' followed by David's 'Hot. Hot sex.'

Patrick's business response: 'it's kinda hard to build customer loyalty when your store is just like, spontaneously open or closed'

Alexis and Patrick's rope course puns: 'I really hope we didn't rope you into something here'

Once again, Ray, saying 'knock knock' is not the same thing as actually knocking.

Well, you might want to invest in a 'lock lock' then.

David, you're constantly talking about how much you eat. But I've seen you walk from the bedroom to the shower, and you look fine.

I think it's time we look for an apartment.

Wait, does this mean that you were ready to move in with me? No. No? No, it's a closet space, and a timing thing.

Fine, once. Twice. Fine, I had a tray in Cancun.

Models and teen actors are just gonna lounge around in their bras and thongs, and take Polaroids of themselves all night?

Eating out of the garbage? / Okay, I did that in front of you last night.

It was really good for me.

So, you think he's handsome then? / What? He's like-he goes to the gym.

Both?

Hasn't stopped me before.

something about his shoes just made me feel really weird, 'cause they were like, long and pointy, but then... Squared off at the toe. Yes!

Yeah, I talked to my parents a little while ago. They're on like, a weekend getaway, so they couldn't chat long

Um... [long pause] Okay listen, David...

What time did you need me to show up to watch you play the baseball?

Can you play both parts? / Positions. And, no.

We just need a body! / Then go to the morgue.

I will cover you if any flies come your way. / I have a spray for that.

How many of the questions are about the barbecue? / Most of them.

I'd argue most baseball players are somebody's son.

It's like when we used to play the Catholic kids from Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow. The worst school cheer I ever heard.

It's like when we used to play the Catholic kids from Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow. The worst school cheer I ever heard.

The MVP, and uh, no, we're not doing that.

Um...

there is a small chance that this could change everything. That they might see me differently, or treat me differently.

David, I know my parents. They're not good actors. They knew about us, right?

And the gift basket that you gave them that I'm hoping you paid for, that had nothing to do with you trying to smooth things over with them?

Did he just say 'merriment?' / I think he did. / Yes, I said 'merriment.' Because that's what happens when I spend too much time with my mother

last week she told me to dance like an Indonesian scarf caught in the wind

I don't even know what that looks like

David, you have to stop watching 'Notting Hill'. It's not helpful for our relationship.

It was either the first aid kit, or the ice packs.

Oh my gosh, is this what marriage is? / Nope, this is just left over from the picnic yesterday

Great to know you've barely given this any thought

Good luck, honey! / It's 'break a leg'

Oh, does your Dad not know?

I thought that was a choice.

I left Stevie double-fisting drinks in a hot tub at the cabaret wrap party last night. I think I saw you triple-fisting at one point.

You look great.

I might have overreacted and for that, I am apologetic. So, you're sorry. I knew there was a reason I came on this trip. My God. I am remorseful over an action I participated in.

Oh, I'm not wearing them on the plane, they hand out slippers with the mimosas. When was the last time you flew economy?

Something spilled in the bed... there's wet in the bed

Oh my God, David, did you wet the bed?

We are not getting divorced... Yet. I need to see if I can get the stain out of my sheets first.

I love you. / I'm glad one of us does!

So how was your seventh shower?

I found this blanket that I thought I had lost in the laundry room, so you've actually done me a favour.

Purely coincidental.

Come on, David, it's an expensive mattress!

More expensive than my dignity? / I mean, comparable, at least.

I don't think you have to say hashtag when you're just talking, Mrs. Rose.

Why am I oddly flattered?

It's my mouthguard... Also, you look very beautiful.

I have never been more attracted to you. Mm, same.

Okay, put it away, David. It's bedtime.

If you say Ronnie... - Oh, I don't think she would have said yes. - Does not like him.

Also, if this is what it takes to get you out of that dank little apartment...

Look at me. Two years ago, I thought I'd have a wife and kid at this point. / Yeah, well, one out of two isn't bad. / I've been told I'm... very young at heart.

♪ I'm a hungry, hungry hippo

Why are you so handsome? / How come your skin is like... perfect. / It's a nine-step regimen I do twice a day. It's not a big deal.

You know what I really wanna do with you? / Uh-huh. Ethically speaking, I don't think we can do that with you in this state. / Have a baby.

Like I wanna have like a little baby with you. And we could just love it and hold it and bounce it. / Yeah, that's a... that's a big one-eighty.

You would be such a good dad. / Have we met? / I wish you were my dad.

I was watching 'Bridget Jones's Baby' right before I went under.

our feet up on the... (Knock at the door) - You happy now?

Just do me a favour and watch these, and don't eat them. - Mm. No guarantees

I am also wearing a sweater

your face is all red. It's beet red. - It is not! - Mm-hmm. It's flush

this coffee table really brings out your lips

A lot of people are here for drinks, David

ours is um... kosher

When David told me he wanted to install a Japanese toilet at my place, he neglected to mention that it would involve taking out a wall.

David's obviously rehearsed excuse sequence with Patrick

You guys might wanna rehearse a little more next time. The extraction did feel a bit strained. - [Quietly] That was you. - Wha?

Oh, that's okay, cold pizza can be good. - Mm. - Hot pizza's good. Too-hot pizza - not so good. I got that happening.

Patrick's list of things that set David off: 'And there are many, many things that can set him off'

I'm sorry, did you say sun?

You look like a cheese puff.

David, those are just ones where you look good.

No, I was being very, very sarcastic.

Like you calling the florist, and getting a quote? - That might be one of them.

Have a 'Rose-y' day! - We won't be doing 'Rose-y day.' - No?

Okay, I'm beginning to think that that is the high point of your entire life.

I don't know, are you? - No. But you can share my muffin. - Seriously. What took you so long?

I thought you'd be excited. Would half a muffin help? - I'm not sure. - I'm not sure. - Okay. Y-you took it so that's a good sign.

'Cause I know how flustered you can get When there's more than one thing on your plate. Hm. Unless it's food.

David, I promise I will make you so happy here. You fuckin' better.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! - Yep. - Mhmm. Where are you going?! Somewhere safe.

Wow, let's not get crazy. No, we should have gotten married indoors. You said indoor weddings are tacky. No. I said most weddings are tacky. And they often take place indoors.

Oh no, all this was planned weeks ago. Just had a hunch you wouldn't handle stress well today.

How did you book a massage so last-minute? Oh no, all this was planned weeks ago. Just had a hunch you wouldn't handle stress well today.

You had like three bagels in half an hour. - They were a mistake.

Uh, yeah. That was the first time I've ever received a happy ending. Sorry, what did you just say? The happy ending that the masseur gave me.

He gave you a happy ending?! On our wedding day?!

He gave you a happy ending?! On our wedding day?! I thought you wanted that?! See, this is what Ray should be filming.

All I did, was leave an envelope full of cash and a note that said to take very good care of you.

This is gonna make for a very strange story one day.

I was both shocked and impressed! Okay, Marcia Clark? Court's adjourned for the day.

All I did, was leave an envelope full of cash and a note that said to take very good care of you. And now that I've said those words out loud, I can see how a certain kind of person would interpret that the wrong way.