The Hospies

I think surprise parties are tacky, and far too often organized by well-intentioned people with very bad taste. But... Patrick has always wanted one, poor thing.

When I planned that Casablanca-themed party for your mother's 40th, I had to quarantine the camels for a month.

I've actually been organizing this for quite some time, I'm just telling you right now because I know that none of you can keep a secret.

Oh! At 9 a.m. it's a little early for character assassination.

Not one of you knows how the 'Crows' movie ends. You told me the day you got home. You gave me the script.

Yes, things are certainly racing along at a dangerously rapid velocity.

How did it end again? Like, a crowmageddon? Crowpocalypse.

I asked you to mow the lawn three times, Roland, so you being here is more your decision than mine.

Oh, no, no! I do get that all the time, though. It's uh, you know, you've got David's handsome looks there, and then my face.

It's uh, you know, you've got David's handsome looks there, and then my face.

More like, runs it into the ground.

Oh, we do have a lot of fun around here, don't we? We do, sometimes.

But uh, I'll have to admit, I've been somewhat of a skeptic about those two. This one isn't as progressive as the rest of us. It's a generational thing with him. I was talking about the store, Roland.

Really? Because it kind of seems like the two of you just found out some really shocking information.

Correct me if I'm wrong here, Johnny. But it kinda seems like they didn't know their son is in a relationship with David.

Well, according to the radio, there's a darling little medical clinic in Elm Grove. Where if any one of us, say, you, or your father, participates in a few nugatory tests, we could be bringing in over $200 a week!

Showing up, taking your picture with a motley crew of pale, dewy-faced salamander people.

You did a commercial for adult diapers! In Japan! In full-face Kabuki makeup!

But there will be a safe word in case the gaggle of asymmetrical faces gets to be too much.

Okay so I told Patrick that there's a salmonella outbreak at the café, so he will not be coming here until I tell him to tonight. Is it possible you could maybe choose a lie that doesn't make the café look like it's in violation of health codes?

Did you run here, Mr. Rose? No! Just a pleasant walk.

romantically in business with each other. Ew!

I mean, what do they think, I'm just his business partner?! Possibly. I mean, yeah.

Well, that sounds reasonable. What did I just say?!

You took me to the Playboy Mansion when I was seven. And you had a wonderful time in the children's grotto.

She only played Grace on 'Touched With Grace' for 37 years. The woman has 17 Emmys for playing a hot-headed nurse who healed people with her sexual touch.

Oh! Daughter? More like sister. Ew.

Flowers are for you; the pizza's my lunch.

Yeah, I talked to my parents a little while ago. They're on like, a weekend getaway, so they couldn't chat long

Um... [long pause] Okay listen, David...

Okay.

That's why I brought this couple home one day in college, and just told my parents to deal with it.

You're gonna laugh yourself right out of the closet on this one.

The salmonella was a decoy.

The salmonella was a decoy.

Oh, no. I very much am.

For a minute I thought this was gonna get very dark.

keep him in the closet until then. I know that came out wrong, but we all understand what I'm saying, right?

We used to use that for sangria, because it was like, so cheap, and... so good.

$20?! I charge $50. And just in case, I wear open-toed sandals.

And if we're talking feet, it's $75 for one, $150 for the pair.

'Happy birthday' was too wordy, and we couldn't nail it at rehearsal.

But might I recommend the crab cakes? I over-ordered, and they cost a small fortune.

I don't understand his clothes, but... Ah, you will in time.

I don't understand his clothes, but... Ah, you will in time.