Smoke Signals

I fit my high school best friend into a suitcase way smaller than this when we were crossing the border between Laos and Vietnam

Beach curls back. Yeah, you've mentioned that a couple times.

Take it the 'Crows' movie is still shelved.

You invited Dad. Okay, I don't know what that's supposed to mean, Alexis.

John, remind me to reprimand that latch, it's been awfully moody today.

Finally. I'll have the continental breakfast with the fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice. Orange Pekoe tea.

Sadly, I won't be able to squire you for today's wedding venue peregrination.

You invited Mom? She's literally been asleep in a closet for a week.

Take me with you.

David! I've asked you not to over indulge in that smoky cologne, it's enough to give someone a seizure!

Oh, this is not, this is not how I go! Somebody help! Moira!

I'm being annulled by a chancy door clasp!

Jeez, Moira, I wait 'til at least 10:30 before I have my first beer.

You know, Moira, if Johnny locked you in that closet, we're going to have to call the police.

My babies... My girls. Lorna, second from the left. If she takes on smoke, she'll never recover. And Cindy! Cindy, below her. Cindy, I just gave her a blowout.

Yeah, it's the only venue for miles that doesn't look like a crime scene from a missing person docu-series.

I thought that was a choice.

I left Stevie double-fisting drinks in a hot tub at the cabaret wrap party last night. I think I saw you triple-fisting at one point.

Oh no, not quite. God, no.

Gentlemen, please forgive me. I looked at your friend's face and thought someone had just come from her make up trial.

You look great.

See, David? Imagine if I wasn't here for this moment.

Why do they call them toaster pops if it says on the box, 'Do not toast'?

How mercurial is life? We all imagine being carried from the ashes by the Goddess Artemis and here I get a balatron from Barnum and Bailey.

I have been gifted a smoke signal and you will never again find me back in the closet.

I don't believe my career has been that kind to me. I all but perished in the name of an unrequited love for an industry that has burned me over and over again.

Oh, I have never needed less.

And I am including that Peruvian ayahuasca retreat we embarked upon with Al and Tipper.

You just remove those vetements, Mr. Rose, I'll be back in the shake of a lamb's rump.

Moira Rose is tech un-avail, she has a life to live.

Are these in dollars?

Perhaps a copper package?

You're clearly very desperate and I'm feeling terribly for you.

Uh, I planned my ex girlfriend's intervention in less than an hour. Plus, it'll weed out all the dead weight.

Um... I will not be here in one month, so I guess that makes me the dead weight?

I once dated someone who left me for a stuffed animal. I'm not having my big day... Our... Our big day compromised because Alexis wanted to chill in a tankini for six months.

And I would never wear a tankini!

I might have overreacted and for that, I am apologetic. So, you're sorry. I knew there was a reason I came on this trip. My God. I am remorseful over an action I participated in.

Oh, I'm not wearing them on the plane, they hand out slippers with the mimosas. When was the last time you flew economy?

Oh, John, I can just see you aimlessly wandering through life. Stoic but stymied, not a friend in the world and so very lost.

I lost my Patek Philippe in that lake, but I wouldn't have had it any other way.

You could be hit by a Mack truck, or bopped on the head by a tiny piece of space debris!

I've actually been jealous of your trip. Like, you're getting out there, seeing the world.

your flight's not leaving for another month. Yeah, but it's day before month, so you're not leaving on July 8th, you're leaving on August 7th.

Oh, well, what would the back end look like on a deal like that? Oh, I see, what an emphatically Kismetic turn of events.

I found your husband sunning himself in the creek, like he was in some Grecian bath.

Officer, perhaps we could arrange a plea bargain?

I promise to keep my husband habilimented from now on.

The algae was so slippery, the cop had to throw me his fishing line.

Well, button back up your birthday tux, John, because I've just found out the 'Crows' movie is back in business!

Clive didn't have jumper cables because he doesn't drive because he's scared of car horns.

The truth is, is that I'm really gonna miss you. Thank you. I'm going to miss you, as well.

Like that time you showed up to Kate Winslet's wedding a month late. The calligraphy was hard to read and Billy Zane also did the same thing, David.

They process their pork on the first Sunday of every month, hence our discounted rates.

Like a thousand guinea pigs were being shoved into a wood chipper.

Well, it sounds to me like you two dodged a bacon-wrapped bullet. I'll say it again: life is but a strand of happy accidents.

You've never said that before.

he still hasn't lizard-proofed his place and I have absolutely no desire to be there until that happens.

Oh, in other news: your father was arrested for indecent exposure. Ew, I'm eating!