The Premiere

As your publicist, it is my job to optimize a branded approach to real-time engagement with your fanbase through contextual marketing. I hope I'm not paying you by the word.

Which is why I came up with the ideation for the following idea.

Alexis, your flip-chart says 'premiere.' / What're you trying to say? / I'm sorry, why are you even involved in this conversation?

Oh, sure, for a scrappy little novice, but not for someone who's cut many a crimson rug.

What's next, I sign my name in the pavement outside Bob's Garage? Jocelyn gives you an honourary degree at her school? Host the Met Ga-la at David's store?

I don't like that one.

Roland has a guy who rents out live crows.

Remember that 'Waterworld II' premiere? Exactly, David. Oh, the last place anyone wanted to be when those reviews came in was a glass-bottomed pirate ship in the middle of the ocean.

Good luck though. / Lick rust! Thank you!

I do. It's a death trap that needs to be set on fire and pushed off a cliff.

driving his fiancé to go get his wisdom teeth out is totally within my maid-of honour responsibilities.

Also, if this is what it takes to get you out of that dank little apartment...

Look at me. Two years ago, I thought I'd have a wife and kid at this point. / Yeah, well, one out of two isn't bad. / I've been told I'm... very young at heart.

Hello, Access Hollywood? Have I got a star sighting for you! Very pawky, Jocelyn.

save yourselves the trip to Frocks4Less. From what I've heard, it's more of a minor league viewing party.

It reminds me of that time that Renée Zellweger's brother came in here, and I got him to sign a menu. I mean, he spelled his name differently, but I swear it was him.

Ornithology Today! Well, if anyone knows crows...

Well, that's hyperbolic. I mean, they already had 'fun' and now they've added 'good.'

We were resolute about not making an issues movie, but I'm glad they picked up on that.

Moira Rose, as Dr. Clara Mandrake, is delightfully unhinged. / Do you know what they call this, gals? An understated rave.

Well, you might want to tell your friend Janet that there just may be a bombshell attendee after all.

Oh, but do pack eyedrops! The film's first third is densely packed with exposition, and you won't want to blink.

Oh, it's actually best. A lot of this film blatantly contradicts what's been established in the first two.

Thank you so much for all the hot tips you were giving our Uber driver. For a second, I was concerned about my rating, but I think he seemed to enjoy all the wrong directions you were yelling at him.

♪ I'm a hungry, hungry hippo

Why are you so handsome? / How come your skin is like... perfect. / It's a nine-step regimen I do twice a day. It's not a big deal.

You know what I really wanna do with you? / Uh-huh. Ethically speaking, I don't think we can do that with you in this state. / Have a baby.

Like I wanna have like a little baby with you. And we could just love it and hold it and bounce it. / Yeah, that's a... that's a big one-eighty.

You would be such a good dad. / Have we met? / I wish you were my dad.

I'm glad you didn't feel you needed to clean up on my account, you know? It shows just how comfortable a friendship we actually have. / I did clean up. / Right. That's... what I meant.

Good. We bought the second motel! / First phase of many in the Rosebud Motel expansion.

But not on your bed.

I wanna buy you out. / Oh!

You don't have to downplay your excitement on my account, Stevie. I'll be just fine.

Oh, it's barely noticeable, dear. We'll find you an electrologist.

When Demi decided on a Friday night at 6pm that she wanted to celebrate her 40th in Aspen, her publicist had us in parkas by 7. Sadly, Megan went into cardiac arrest on the flight, but she perished doing what she loved.

That was mine. I've been looking for that. / Blame UPS.

with the baby around, I only get that kind of me-time maybe... five to six nights a week, so...

'cause my skinny jeans are in the wash.

Fine. But you owe me a prime spot on that carpet. / Wait, you wanna walk the carpet? / Honey, it's a movie premiere, is it not?

I would like to request a time before Roland. And I'd like to go first.

It's, uh, being finicky. / Uh, remember, Mr. Rose? I left you a sticky note.

Is it Larry Air? 'Cause they called me for a reference, and also asked if I had any interest in becoming a pilot.

Roland. I know. He gave me his new business card. Never saw so many typos on a business card.

You complimented my flawless skin and called me the Jewish Channing Tatum, which all tracks.

I'm not married to Christina Aguilera, am I?

I was watching 'Bridget Jones's Baby' right before I went under.

Why are you dressed like a limo driver? / Your mother insisted.

Why are your pupils so dilated. / No, yours are. / No, yours are.

Let the crowening commence!

'The Crows Have Eyes III: The Crowening!'

I know a bit of their language. CAW! CAW-CAW!

This is fucked.

Trained! Some of them were painted seagulls.

It sorta looks like people are running away from your movie, Moira.

It's called an immersive experience, David! / Immersed in lawsuits maybe.

Tonight, a murder of wild crows attacked would-be audience members who had come to see a movie about a crow attack.