The Baby Shower

They tease you with, 'You may have already won.' I'd like once for a sweepstakes company to have some guts. Just tell people the truth one time. Send out envelopes: 'You have definitely lost.' You turn it over, giant printing: 'Not even close.' You open it, there's a letter of explanation: 'Even we cannot believe how badly you've done in this contest.'

Don't get up. I'd like to help, but my neck....

Students can't clean. It's anathema. They don't like it. How long you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation?

It was the single most damaging experience of my life. Aside from seeing my father naked.

Why don't you just settle it like mature adults? -Potato man. -No, no. No potato man. Inka-dink.

Wait a minute. No. -...it -What? What are you doing? No, no. Oh, okay. All right. He's out, I get it. -No, no, no. I'm it. I win. -No. He's it. He wins. It is good.

Hey, I look like Joe Friday in Dragnet.

The inka-dink. You were it. -It's bad? -It's very bad.

Or maybe he's dead.

Greetings and salutations. I beg your forgiveness. My tardiness was unavoidable. Rava, my love. Elaine, dear friend. And you must be Jerry, lord of the manor. My liege. A pleasure to serve you.

Your palace shall sparkle like the stars in heaven upon your safe arrival, sire. The toilet brush is under the sink.

I don't feel comfortable with a maid either. There's that guilt when someone's cleaning your house. You're sitting on the sofa, they go by with the vacuum. 'I'm really sorry about this. I don't know why I left that stuff over there.'

That's why I could never be a maid. I would have that attitude. I'd find them, wherever they are. 'I suppose you couldn't do this. No, don't get up. Let me clean up your filth. No, you couldn't dust. Oh, this is too tough, isn't it?'

He uncoagulated the top of the dishwashing liquid.

He must be like Rubber Man. There's no Rubber Man. Why did I think there was a Rubber Man? There's Elastic Man, Plastic Man....

Elaine, he Windexed the little peephole.

Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?

Jerry. -What? Ray, would you give me a hand, please? Yeah, I'm coming.

Sweet elixir, its fragrant nectar a soothing balm for the soul.

My mother left us when I was 6 years old. All seven of us. We never heard from her again. I hope she's rotting in an alley somewhere.

My mom's down in Florida. She's got one of those condos. Hot down there in the summer. You ever been down there?

In Scandinavian mythology, the pastries were the food of the gods.

Dinner's for suckers.

She's from Finland, for crying out loud. Finland! Do you understand? I know Finland. They're neutral.

'I find you so charming.' You wuss. -Did you call me a wuss? -What did you say? I said, 'luss.' I'm at a 'luss.'

That's it! I can't take it anymore! You stole the statue! You're a thief! You're a liar! -George. -Who is this? I'm the judge and the jury, pal. And the verdict is, guilty!

I called the registrar's office. I checked you out. They have no record of a Ray Thomas at that school, you liar! That is because I am registered under my full legal name Raymond Thomas Wochinski. Ray Thomas is my professional name. You mean 'alias.'

How did you get the goop out of the top of the dishwashing liquid? It was like a brand-new nozzle.

We made love on the floor like two animals. Ray is insatiable.

Was Jerry? I can't remember.

There are no small coincidences and big coincidences. No. There are degrees of coincidences. No. There are only coincidences. Ask anyone.

Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?

She doesn't react to disappointment very well. Unlike me. I'm not happy about this.

Why don't we just throw a Molotov cocktail through their window.

Yeah, he'll have my parents.

You just make love to that wall, pervert.

Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop. I'm a damn good cop!

Well, let's put it this way: I didn't take him to People's Court.

You go to the beach, go in the water. Put your wallet in the sneaker. Who's gonna know? What criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security?

'I tied a bow. They can't get through that.' 'I put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker. They never look there. They check the heel, they move on.'