The Chinese Restaurant

Jerry:Hello? Yeah, I'm still here. What do you want now?

Phone Company:Mr. Seinfeld, your time is up. We need another quarter.

Jerry:Another quarter? I just put money in!

Phone Company:That was three minutes ago. Deposit now or we disconnect you.

Jerry:This is insane. I'm on the phone WITH you!

Jerry:So the phone company calls me up, they want more money. I said, 'Why? What did I do?' They said, 'You're using too many minutes.' I said, 'I'm using too many minutes? I barely use the phone!' They said, 'Exactly. You're not paying enough for not using it.'

Jerry:Look at this. A quarter. You know what this is? This is power. I got the phone company by the short hairs now. One quarter. That's all it takes.

Jerry:You think they care about me? You think they know I exist? Well, now they're gonna know. Now they're gonna feel it.

Jerry:I'm gonna hold onto this quarter. I'm not gonna use it. I'm just gonna keep it. Right here in my pocket. And every time I think about the phone company, I'm gonna touch this quarter and smile.

George:We need more cops on the street. But not for crime prevention. I want them following the garbage trucks. Making sure people are putting the right stuff in the right bins. Do you know how many people just throw everything together? It's chaos out there!

George:Why do we need cops? Why don't we just have more garbage men? Think about it - a garbage man, he's out there, he's doing a job. He's picking up the garbage.

Jerry:So what, garbage men are going to stop crime?

George:They could do both. You have a garbage man who's also a cop. He's got the uniform, he's got the gun, he's got the little whistle. He picks up the garbage, he stops a mugging. It's efficiency.

George:The mechanical rhythm of sweep-arrest-sweep

George:You know, I have a great idea for a garbage man. I could be a garbage man. Think about it - fresh air, exercise, meeting people.

Elaine:George, you're not going to be a garbage man.

George:Why not? It's honest work. And I'd have my summers free.

Elaine:Because you're not a garbage man, George.

George:I could be. I have the build for it.

George:Hi Tatiana, it's George. Listen, about dinner tonight... I can't make it.

Tatiana:What? Why not?

George:Well, something came up. Something... unexpected.

Tatiana:George, you promised!

George:I know, I know. But I accidentally... I mean, I did something really stupid.

Tatiana:What did you do?

George:I can't really get into it right now. Let's just say it involves your ex-boyfriend and a misunderstanding about a jacket.

Host:It'll be about 20 minutes.

Host:Maybe 25.

Host:Could be 45 minutes.

Jerry:Excuse me, I hate to interrupt, but I was wondering if you'd be done soon? Because I have a phone call I need to make, and it's kind of important. Well, not important like someone's dying or anything, but it's important to me. So if you could just wrap it up...

Woman:I'll be done in a minute.

Jerry:A minute. Great. Because I'll just be standing here. Enjoying my time. In this hallway. Waiting. Which is what I love to do. Wait in hallways while other people use phones that aren't theirs.

Jerry:I can't just take the menus. What if they think I'm stealing them? I have to ask. But if I ask, they might think I'm weird for wanting them. So I have to act casual about it, like I just happened to notice them and thought, 'Hey, these would look nice in my apartment.' But that makes it worse because now I'm admitting I want to steal them.

Jerry:And another thing - if I touch the menus while we're sitting here, the waiter might think I'm not satisfied with my meal. He'll come over and ask if something's wrong. Then I have to lie and say everything's fine, but he'll know I'm lying because I'm holding the menu. It's a whole thing.

Elaine:Try one of these cookies, they're very healthy.

Jerry:What are they?

Elaine:They're dust-board fructose things.

Jerry:Dust-board fructose things? That doesn't sound healthy, that sounds like something you'd find on a construction site.

Jerry:You know what bothers me about these health cookies? They taste like cardboard. But that's not even the worst part. The worst part is you feel guilty eating them because you know they're not doing anything. You're eating guilt-flavored cardboard.

Jerry:And then you think, 'Well, at least I'm being healthy.' But are you? Are you really? Because now you're just a person who eats cardboard and lies to themselves about it. That's not health, that's a lifestyle based on self-deception.

Jerry:So what does that make us? We're just sophisticated animals, eating cardboard cookies, pretending we're making good choices, when really we're just slowly dying, one tasteless bite at a time.

Jerry:Wait, do I know you from somewhere? You look so familiar.

Jerry:No, no, I know this. I never forget a face. Where do I know you from?

Jerry:Were you at Monk's? Did we go to high school together? Summer camp?

Jerry:This is going to drive me crazy. It's right there on the tip of my tongue.

Jerry:How long has it been?

Host:It'll be just a few more minutes.

Jerry:A few more minutes? We've been waiting twenty minutes already. And I've watched six people who came in after us get seated.

Jerry:What's going on here? Is there some system I'm not aware of? Do you have some kind of seating algorithm?

Jerry:Because it seems to me like you're just picking names out of a hat. Except the hat is rigged against us.

Jerry:You know what's crazy? We're sitting here, we got a table. We're validated. We're part of the system now. We matter.

George:We don't matter.

Jerry:We got a table, George. We got a table! That means something. That means we're not just wandering around outside like animals.

Jerry:Look at these people, they're so happy. Eating their food, laughing, having a good time. It's disgusting.

Elaine:Jerry, you're just hungry.

Jerry:I'm not hungry, I'm angry!

Elaine:You're angry because you're hungry.

Jerry:I can't believe how long we've been waiting. This is ridiculous!

Kramer:Yeah, it's pretty bad.

Jerry:If this hostess doesn't seat us in the next two minutes, I'm going to say something.

Kramer:Oh yeah? What are you gonna do?

Jerry:I don't know, but I'm not gonna just sit here. Hey, if this gets ugly, you got my back, right?

Kramer:Oh, absolutely! I'm with you all the way!

Jerry:The host is wearing a burgundy shirt with a matching burgundy tie. Who does that? Who wakes up and thinks, 'You know what would really tie this outfit together? A tie in the exact same color'? It's not coordination, it's a cry for help.

George:You know what this restaurant needs? A reorganization system. We seat people based on their hunger level. The hungriest people sit closest to the kitchen.

Jerry:George, that makes no sense.

George:No sense? It's brilliant! The hungrier you are, the faster your food arrives. It's physics!

Elaine:That's not how restaurants work.

George:Well maybe that's why I'm starving right now. I'm in the back by the bathroom. I should be up front. I'm famished!

George:I'm telling you, I could take food right off someone's plate.

Jerry:Oh, you think so? Alright, here's what you do. You walk up to the table, you compliment their meal. 'That looks delicious.' Then you lean in, you pause for a moment, make eye contact, and in one fluid motion — you stab your fork down, secure a piece, and pull back to your mouth.

Jerry:The key is the confidence. You have to commit to it completely. No hesitation. It's a heist.

Jerry:No, no, no. You're looking at this all wrong. This is a gift! They're gonna go home, they're gonna tell this story for the rest of their lives. 'A guy just took our food!' That's a great story!

George:You're gonna find some technicality. You always do. 'Oh, that wasn't a real egg roll, George.' 'That was a spring roll.' 'You didn't finish it.' Something.

Jerry:What are you talking about? I said I'd pay you fifty bucks if you eat the egg roll.

George:Yeah, but you're gonna say it doesn't count for some reason. I know how you work.

Elaine:You're not actually going to do it, are you?

George:Do what? The egg roll? For twenty bucks? I'd eat a live bird for twenty bucks.

Elaine:You're insane.

George:I'm not insane, I'm practical. You know what I'd do for fifty bucks? I'd let a guy lick my face. A hundred bucks? I'd let him do it twice.

Elaine:Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you have an egg roll there. Would you be willing to sell it to me? I'm prepared to offer you a fair market price, and if you're interested, we could even discuss a profit-sharing arrangement on any future egg roll ventures.

George:Excuse me, excuse me! That's my phone! I was on line!

George:You can't just cut in! There are rules! There's a system!

George:What is happening to society?! We're living in ANARCHY!

George:I'm calling the police! I'm calling the mayor! I'm calling... I can't call anyone, YOU HAVE MY PHONE!

George:We're all pretty much the same. We're all looking for the same things. We all want to be happy. And we're all gonna die. So what's the difference?

George:How long have we been waiting?

Jerry:Forty-five minutes.

Elaine:I'm starving. My blood sugar is dropping.

Kramer:This is like Gandhi's salt march.

George:What are you talking about?

Kramer:A protest. Except we're protesting hunger by being hungry.

Jerry:So we're like Gandhi?

Kramer:Except he had a point.

George:I'm telling you, the whole thing fell apart because of the bathroom situation. There's no buffer zone!

George:I'm very particular about these things. The toilet, the sink, the shower—they all need proper spacing. It's not just about functionality, it's about dignity.

George:Wait, wait, wait. I have to use the bathroom.

George:It's not you. It's just that I have a physiological need to urinate, and the pressure on my bladder is becoming quite acute. I'm going to have to pause our intimate encounter and attend to this biological imperative.

George:A man needs a closed door. A man needs a closed door with a lock on it. That's what separates us from the animals.

George:I'm sorry, I have to go to the bathroom.

Woman:Now?!

George:I'm very sorry.

George:What? What are you confused about? It's not that complicated. You just... you know... it's very simple, really. A plus B equals C. You're making it harder than it is.

Tatiana:George, what are you talking about?

George:I'm saying you're overthinking it. It's like you're trying to solve a mathematical equation. Just relax, let it happen. Stop analyzing everything!

George:I'm Batman.

Jerry:You know what's crazy about waiting at a restaurant? When you're a kid, you think it's magical. You're sitting there, you've got your crayons, your little menu, you're like 'This is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.' But as an adult? You're standing there like a wounded animal, sweating through your shirt, checking your watch every three seconds, ready to kill somebody for a breadstick.

Man:What stinks?

Jerry:I don't know, I just got here.

Mr. Cohen:No, no, standing is fine. I'll eat at the counter.

Jerry:Wait, what? Mr. Cohen just arrived. He wasn't here a minute ago.

Host:No, no, Cohen's always here.

Jerry:Always here? I just watched him walk in through the door!

Host:He's here, he's always been here, he'll always be here.

Jerry:That doesn't make any sense!

Jerry:So what's the deal with this restaurant? I mean, they have a no-shirt, no-shoes policy, but Mr. Cohen can come in here looking like he just rolled out of a dumpster?

Jerry:I don't understand the logic. Is there a no-dignity policy I'm not aware of?

George:Hi Tatiana, it's George Costanza. I'm the short, stocky, slow-witted bald man who's always making mistakes.

Jerry:Hey! How are you?

Lorraine:Good, good. It's been a while.

Jerry:Yeah, it really has. You look great.

Lorraine:Thank you. So what have you been up to?

Jerry:Oh, you know, the usual. Work, hanging out... What about you?

Lorraine:Same old thing.

Jerry:That's great. That's really great.

Lorraine:Yeah.

Jerry:Well, hey, we should get together sometime.

Lorraine:Yeah, definitely. That would be nice.

George:Wait, wait, wait. Who were you just talking to?

Jerry:That was my mother.

George:Your mother? Oh my God. What did you tell her about me?

George:My mother will find out. She'll call my father, he'll be upset. He yells at my mother, my mother yells at Frank. She'll drag him over to the phone. Then my mother gets on the phone, she's yelling at me. Then my father yells at me.

George:Then Frank yells at me. Then my mother yells at me again. It's like a phone tree of people yelling at me!

Jerry:You think you can bribe a Chinese restaurant?

Elaine:Jerry, you can bribe anybody. Bribery is the most universal language.

Jerry:I'm not paying more! I'm eating less!

Elaine:Oh really? Then I'm going to be watching every bite that goes in your mouth.

Jerry:You're not watching me eat.

Elaine:Oh yes I am. I'm going to follow you around with a clipboard.

Jerry:A guy thing? What are you talking about? Women are just as corrupt as men. You want equality? There it is. Women can bribe, women can embezzle, women can take kickbacks just like anybody else.

Host:Hello? Yeah, I got a guy here who wants a table. He's offering me money. What do you think?

Jerry:No, no, no! Don't call anybody! I'll give you more!

Host:Hold on, he's upping the offer.

Jerry:Just forget the call! Forget it! I'm begging you!

Elaine:That was the worst bribe I've ever seen. You just handed him money and said 'here.' There was no finesse, no subtlety. You basically mugged him with cash.

Jerry:How much longer is it going to be?

Host:It'll be about fifteen minutes.

Host:CARTWRIGHT!

George:So you're telling me you hung up on her?

Host:Yeah, she was going on and on about something, I don't know, I just hung up.

Jerry:So she calls back, what do you say?

George:I say, 'This is Cartwright.'

Jerry:Cartwright? What are you doing?

George:I'm Cartwright! You said she wouldn't know who George Costanza was.

Jerry:So now you're Cartwright?

George:Why not? She doesn't know me.

Jerry:You know what the problem is with going to a bad movie alone? You can't mock it. Mockery requires an audience. You need someone to turn to and say, 'Did you see that?' The whole point of a bad movie is having someone to share the experience with. What am I gonna do, sit there and enjoy it by myself? That's not fun. That's just watching a bad movie.

Host:Table for four?

Jerry:Yeah, now we're leaving. We're so hungry we're gonna have to eat each other in the car.

Jerry:You know what I don't understand about cannibals? If they're so hungry, why don't they just go to a restaurant? But no, they have to eat people. And then what, they write a review? 'The human was a little stringy, needed more seasoning.' And then you got the cannibals lying in bed at night going, 'I can't sleep. I just ate a guy. What if he had a family? What if he was on his way to something important?'

Jerry:You know why cannibals can't sleep well? They're always worried about what they ate coming back to haunt them.

Jerry:So at three in the morning, they're lying there going, 'Was that a guy? That tasted like a guy. Oh God, what if it WAS a guy? What if his family comes looking for him? What if he had a family? Oh no, oh no, oh no...'