The Deal

Jerry:You ever notice how women shop for clothes? They go into a dressing room, and they gotta 'get behind the clothes.' Not 'try on' — 'get behind.' Like the clothes are a fortress and they're preparing for battle.

Jerry:Why do women do this? They're holding a dress up against themselves, sticking one leg out. What are they preparing for? Like, 'Oh, I might have to kick through a window in this dress. Better see how the leg movement is.'

Jerry:A man will never try on anything in a store. A man will buy something, bring it home, try it on, look at himself in the mirror, and go, 'Nah.' And then he'll return it. He won't even try it on in the store.

Jerry:Women will try on 47 things and go into a dressing room and come out and ask you how it looks. But a man, we don't try on clothes. It's just not part of our routine.

Jerry:But if we did try on clothes like women, we'd have to move the shoes around to see how we'd walk in them. We'd be like, 'Let me see... if I move the shoes forward, that's how I'll walk with the pants.'

Jerry:A birthday? That's like a root canal with cake.

Elaine:Oh my God, there's naked people on TV!

Jerry:Yeah, I remember exactly what his hair looked like. It was shoulder length, kind of feathered back...

Jerry:I mean, why would I remember that? What is wrong with me?

Jerry:What was that look?

Elaine:What look?

Jerry:That look you just gave me.

Elaine:I didn't give you a look.

Jerry:You gave me a look.

Elaine:I did not give you a look!

Jerry:Fine, fine. What about the look before that?

Elaine:Oh, so now you're the big look expert.

Jerry:We had sex about 25 times.

Elaine:37.

Jerry:We've seen each other naked.

Elaine:So what? That doesn't mean anything.

Jerry:We've done it.

Elaine:Once! A long time ago.

Jerry:It still counts. We've invaded each other's territory.

Elaine:Oh, so now it's a military campaign?

Jerry:I'm just saying, we've crossed the border. We've established diplomatic relations.

Elaine:Well, we've since dissolved the treaty.

Jerry:It's not about sex, it's about the logical progression of a relationship.

Elaine:Exactly. We're two consenting adults engaging in a mutually beneficial physical interaction.

Jerry:A symbiotic exchange of corporeal expressions.

Elaine:A dialectical synthesis of carnal and emotional gratification.

Jerry:An epistemological exploration of phenomenological corporeal communion.

Elaine:We're just gonna do it, aren't we?

Jerry:Yeah, we're gonna do it.

Jerry:Look, we're not... I mean, we're doing 'this' but we're not doing 'that'.

Elaine:Right, so 'this' is fine, but 'that' is out of the question.

Jerry:Exactly. And occasionally 'this other thing', but definitely not 'that'.

Elaine:What about that thing?

Jerry:No, that thing is absolutely off the table.

Jerry:All right, sir.

Elaine:Sir?

Jerry:I don't understand why sleep and sex are connected. Like, who made that rule? You have sex, and then you're supposed to fall asleep? Why? What's the connection?

Jerry:I mean, you could have sex and then go out for Chinese food. You could have sex and then go to a movie. But no, everybody just falls asleep.

Jerry:It's like our bodies are just programmed: 'Sex happened. Shut down everything. We're done here.'

Elaine:A goodnight kiss? That's so bourgeois.

Jerry:Wait a minute... Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no. What did I do? I did it again, didn't I? I can't believe I... Why do I always do this?

George:Aquaman can control sea creatures, right? But what about when he's on land? He's useless on land. He's like a guy with a Ferrari in the desert.

Jerry:So what, he just stands there?

George:Exactly! And another thing - what if he's in a pool? A regular pool? Does he have dominion over chlorinated water? Because I don't think he does.

George:You slept with her?! (clutches chest, staggers backward) My brain is on fire!

George:Come on, Jerry! Tell me! Tell me! I need details!

Jerry:George, I'm not getting into this.

George:You have to tell me! You HAVE to! I'm begging you, Jerry!

George:If you don't tell me right now, I'm never speaking to you again!

George:And I mean it! My whole mood depends on this!

George:I can't get cable. You know what they're gonna do? They're gonna come to my apartment, they're gonna drill holes, they're gonna go through my walls, they're gonna mess up my whole place. And for what? So I can watch TV while I'm naked? I don't need cable.

Jerry:What's wrong with watching TV naked?

George:Everything! Everything is wrong with it. First, I'm sitting there naked, I'm watching the news, some horrible thing happens in the world, I get depressed. Now I'm naked and depressed. Then they show a commercial for food, I get hungry. Now I'm naked, depressed, and hungry. I can't take it. I'm gonna snap. I'm gonna go out on the street, I'm gonna start taking people's clothes.

George:So was it better than before?

Jerry:Well, you know, I think the key thing is just to relax and not put too much pressure on yourself. I mean, if you go in there thinking it's gotta be this incredible experience, you're already defeated before you start. But if you just let it happen naturally, without all these expectations...

George:Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me that you're living with a woman, and you're not even sleeping with her?

George:That's like... that's like ordering a sandwich and asking them to hold the bread.

George:What is the point? What are you getting out of this?

George:This is impossible. This violates every law of physics and nature.

George:You know, it's like when you go to Atlantic City and you think you have a system. You're gonna go down there, you're gonna put ten dollars in a machine, and you're gonna come home with a hundred dollars. It never happens. But you think, 'This time I got it figured out.' That's what you are with women. You're a pathetic gambler.

George:You know what your problem is? You're too greedy. A person has to have a little restraint, a little self-control.

George:You can't have a sleeping over rule. It doesn't work that way. You know what happens? You end up with an Army cot in the living room, and you're sleeping on it, and she's upstairs in the bedroom. And you're lying there at three in the morning, listening to her breathe through the heating duct.

Jerry:I gotta go.

Elaine:Wait, where are you going?

Jerry:I have a root canal.

Elaine:A root canal? You're leaving me for a root canal?

Jerry:Well, it's been scheduled for weeks.

Jerry:I'm calling about my root canal surgery.

Elaine:It's a root canal, Jerry. Not root canal surgery. Just root canal.

Tina:Hey, did anyone want cake? I made a chocolate one.

Jerry:Uh, not right now, Tina.

Tina:Oh, okay. Well, it's in the kitchen if you change your mind.

Jerry:I'm trying to pick out a gift, but I'm worried about what message it sends. What if someone interprets it the wrong way?

Jerry:I mean, there are gift interpretation experts out there. People who study what gifts mean. They have offices, they have degrees on the wall.

Jerry:Someone's gonna get my gift and immediately call their gift interpretation expert: 'He gave me a scarf. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?'

George:What does Elaine need?

Jerry:I don't know, something about a bench.

George:What kind of bench? What do you mean, what kind of bench? It's a bench!

Jerry:But where would you put it?

George:What do you mean where would I put it? In the apartment!

Jerry:In the apartment? George, who has a bench in their apartment?

George:I do! I'm gonna have a bench!

Jerry:A bench. For what? To sit on?

George:Yes, to sit on! What else would you do with a bench?

Jerry:I don't know. It's just weird. A bench in an apartment.

George:It's not weird! It's practical. It's furniture!

Jerry:It's not furniture, George. It's a bench. From a park.

Jerry:A music box? That's very romantic. You wind it up, it plays Lara's Theme... I can't give her a music box. That's like saying 'I'm in love with you, let's get married and have children.' I'm not ready for that kind of commitment. A music box is basically a proposal with a tiny dancing couple inside.

George:It's a gift frame. You put a picture of yourself in it, you give it to someone.

Jerry:What's the message in that?

George:The message is, 'I want you to have my picture.'

Jerry:What if you put someone else's picture in the frame?

George:Then you're saying, 'I want you to have this other guy's picture.'

Jerry:I can't take this. It's a bust of Nelson Rockefeller.

Kramer:So what's wrong with that?

Jerry:So what's wrong with it? It's a gubernatorial bust!

Jerry:You ever notice how many blank cards there are? Blank cards! They've given up. They're like, 'We don't know what to say. Your relationship is too complicated. You write something.'

Jerry:You know what I hate about greeting cards? The card company's attitude. They're like, 'We're not getting involved in this. You want to tell someone you love them? You figure it out. We're just gonna print something vague on a card and charge you three dollars.'

Jerry:It's like they're saying, 'Look, we understand you have feelings, but we're staying neutral here. Write your own message. We're Hallmark, not a therapist.'

Elaine:Cash? You're giving me cash? What am I, your uncle?

Jerry:You know what I hate about birthday cards? They always say 'Have a great day' and then at the bottom in tiny letters it says 'and more.' What does that mean? 'And more'? More what? More cake? More presents? More years of your life passing by while you're reading a card that doesn't even commit to what it's wishing for you?

Elaine:I'm not your pal.

Jerry:What? What's wrong with 'pal'?

Elaine:I don't like being called 'pal'. It's so casual, so dismissive.

Jerry:Dismissive? It's a term of endearment! Pal, buddy, friend—these are good things!

Elaine:No, it's not. When you call someone 'pal,' it means you don't really care about them.

Jerry:That's insane! I say 'pal' to people I like!

Kramer:I got you a little something.

Elaine:What is it?

Kramer:It's a bench.

Elaine:A bench? Where did you get this?

Kramer:Jerry mentioned it once. Said there was this bench somewhere in the city he couldn't quite remember.

Elaine:And you found it?

Kramer:Took me three weeks, but yeah.

Jerry:He gave me $20.

Kramer:Twenty dollars? That's it? What kind of uncle gives twenty dollars?

Kramer:Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

Jerry:You know, relationships are like clams.

Elaine:Like clams? What does that even mean?

Jerry:Well, they're closed up most of the time, and when they do open, something bad usually happens.

Jerry:So we're just gonna stop? Just like that?

Elaine:I think it's for the best.

Jerry:But this was good. This was really good.

Elaine:It was. But it's not gonna work anymore.

Jerry:So that's just... gone? This whole thing, just gone?

Elaine:Yeah. That's gone.

Elaine:I want a real relationship, Jerry. Someone who actually cares about me.

Jerry:What do you think I do? I care about you.

Elaine:You care about me like you care about your cereal. The moment something better comes along, I'm forgotten.

Jerry:That's not true. I mean, yes, I do care about cereal. But I also care about my apartment, my remote control, my ability to leave whenever I want, my independence, my privacy, my freedom to do absolutely nothing on a Sunday, and... well, when you really think about it, I'm not equipped for this.

George:Birthdays are a test. They're relationship stress tests. You forget the birthday, you fail the test. You remember the birthday, you pass the test. But here's the thing - even if you pass, they still hold it against you that you almost forgot.

Jerry:What's so disruptive about sex? It's like changing clothes for gym class. You go in the locker room, you take your clothes off, you put new clothes on, you come back out.

George:So what did you end up giving?

Jerry:I reduced the cash amount.

George:You reduced it? How is that possible? It was already pathetic!

Jerry:She's gonna end up in some bohemian loft in SoHo, wearing a beret, smoking cigarettes, drinking cheap wine out of a coffee cup, and wondering where it all went wrong.

George:I'm terrified of prison. I mean, what if they put me in there with someone really dangerous? Like, a guy who's in for multiple murders.

George:And what if he's got bad breath? I can't be locked up with someone who's got bad breath. That's worse than the murders.

George:Plus, the food. Prison food is terrible. I heard they serve meatloaf every Thursday. I don't even like meatloaf when it's made well.

George:And the shower situation - communal showers! What if someone looks at me? What if I have to look at someone? I can't live like that.

Kramer:You two are sickening.

Jerry:Men are like the highway system. We're always looking for the exit. You know what I mean? We're driving along, everything's fine, then suddenly we see a sign: 'Next Exit 2 Miles.' And we think, 'Well, I better take this exit, because who knows when the next one's coming?' Even if we don't need gas, we don't need to use the bathroom, we just take the exit. Just to keep our options open.

Jerry:Women, on the other hand, they're like a destination. They're like, 'I want to go to Cleveland.' That's it. They don't care about the exits. They've got their GPS, they know where they're going, and they're going there. But men? We're like, 'Cleveland? Why would I want to go to Cleveland? There might be something better in Pittsburgh.'

Jerry:You know what the problem is? We think we can make it. A guy gets on the highway, he's going 65 miles an hour, he sees an exit coming up, and he thinks, 'I can make that.' No, you can't make it! You're going 65 miles an hour, the exit is coming up in 200 yards. You cannot make it!

Jerry:But we don't care. We just swerve across three lanes of traffic, nearly cause a 47-car pile-up, and we don't even slow down.