The Red Dot

Jerry:What is the deal with knife stores in the mall? I mean, who goes to the mall to buy a knife? 'Oh, I'm going to the food court, I need a new knife.' And then you see these guys working there, just standing around. That's got to be the worst job. You're standing in a knife store all day. Every customer that comes in, you're thinking, 'Is this the guy? Is this the day?' You can't relax for a second.

Jerry:I was at Hoffritz the other day, the cutlery store. And I'm watching people ask for knives. The first guy comes up: 'I need a knife that can cut through bone.' Okay, that's normal. Second guy: 'I need a knife that won't leave fingerprints.' Alright, getting weird. Third guy leans in real close and whispers: 'I need a knife that my wife will never find, even if she searches the entire house, and it needs to fit in a hollowed-out book about trust and communication.'

Jerry:They had to get it over here somehow. I'm picturing them on a raft, towing it across the ocean. Just... the Statue of Liberty on a raft.

Jerry:You know what transporting the Statue of Liberty is like? It's like assembling IKEA furniture. You got all these pieces, you got the instructions that make no sense, and in the end you're left with extra screws and no idea what they're for.

George:I have better things to talk about.

Jerry:No, you don't.

George:You know, my cousin is a recovering alcoholic. He's been sober for three years.

Jerry:That's great. So he's on the wagon?

George:No, no, he fell off the wagon.

Jerry:He fell off the wagon?

George:Yeah, he's back drinking again.

Jerry:So he's not recovering anymore?

George:No, that's what I'm saying - he fell off the wagon!

Elaine:George, I'm warning you. If you touch me one more time, I'm going to kick you in the groin.

Elaine:George, this is your lucky day.

George:My lucky day? I've never had a lucky day in my life. I once waited in line at the bank for forty-five minutes only to find out they were closed.

George:What is this, cranberry juice?

Dick:Cranberry juice and vodka.

George:I have very good reading skills. I read very well.

George:In fact, I was just reading about it the other day. I read about reading. I have a lot of experience reading.

George:I read all through elementary school.

Dick:Name a famous author.

George:Dick Schaap.

George:Well, you see, I was going to write about... Kafka. Franz Kafka. I've been reading a lot of Kafka lately. Very influential. Very depressing. But I figure, you know, if I'm going to write about Kafka, I should really understand his work first. So I've been doing research. A lot of research. And it's taking longer than I thought.

George:I'm writing a book. I'm gonna need a pen name.

George:Art Vandalay.

George:And the book is called 'Venetian Blinds'.

George:I'm funnier than Jerry. I've always been funnier than Jerry.

George:You're not holding it right!

Jerry:What do you mean 'holding it'? It's a drink, not a baby.

George:You're supposed to cradle it, keep it warm!

Jerry:Cradle it? What are you talking about? It's a beverage, not an infant.

George:You hold things with purpose, with respect!

Jerry:I'm holding it. My hand is on the glass. What more do you want from me?

George:You see, Dick, that's the thing about a phrase like 'these pretzels are making me thirsty.' Once you say it, it's out there. It takes on a life of its own.

Jerry:I told you so.

Jerry:I'm not comfortable in the women's section. I feel like people are looking at me like I'm shopping for myself.

George:So what? Who cares what they think?

Jerry:I care. I don't want to be mistaken for someone who's... you know.

George:Mistaken for what?

Jerry:A cross-dresser! One wrong move, one lingering look at a negligee, and suddenly I'm on a float in the Village.

George:Name one person who doesn't like cashmere.

George:Jerry, I need you to take an overview of the situation.

Jerry:Okay... You're bald, you're short, your pants are too short, and you don't have a job.

Jerry:Drink something so I can smell you.

Kramer:Why? I already smell.

Kramer:This is amazing! This Scotch is incredible! You know what? I'm gonna start drinking this exclusively. From now on, only Macallan for me. I'm telling you, this is the best Scotch I've ever had in my life. You should really be serving this at every party you throw. I'm serious, this stuff is liquid gold.

Kramer:The coffee table book about coffee tables! You can put coffee cups on it!

Kramer:George, I gotta tell you something. You're a good man. You're a really good man.

Kramer:And I don't say that lightly. I've known a lot of men, George. A lot of men.

Kramer:But you... you got something special. Something that can't be taught.

Kramer:You see, before a job interview, you want to have a couple of Hennigan's. It's a sophisticated scotch. It shows confidence. The interviewer sees that you've had a couple of drinks, he knows you're a man who can handle stress.

Jerry:Kramer, you can't show up to a job interview drunk.

Kramer:Not drunk. A couple of Hennigan's. It's the mark of a man.

Elaine:So how much did that sweater cost?

Jerry:Oh, George? He's very generous. He bought it for me. Yeah, George is always thinking of others. Last week he lent me twenty bucks. I still have it.

Jerry:What red dot? I don't see any red dot. There's no red dot here.

Elaine:Jerry, it's right there on your shirt.

Jerry:My shirt? This is my shirt. I know my own shirt. There's no dot.

Elaine:You're pointing at it!

Jerry:I'm pointing at... what am I pointing at? See, this is fine. This is nothing.

Elaine:It's a red dot, Jerry.

Jerry:Red? It's not red. And even if it was red, which it's not, red doesn't mean anything. Red is just a color.

Elaine:Are you listening to yourself right now?

Jerry:I'm listening to you. You're the one talking about dots. I don't know anything about any dots.

Jerry:Wait, you did WHAT?!

George:I don't know what it is. There's something about cleaning women.

Jerry:Proximity.

George:They're real, and they're spectacular.

Jerry:I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it.

George:I was mopping the floor.

Jerry:Mopping the floor?

George:Well, yeah. What did you think I meant?

Jerry:Well, at least you don't have to worry about the mess. You've already got the cleanup solution right there.

Jerry:Wait, so Dick got fired just for drinking?

Jerry:One drink and boom—twenty years at the company, gone. Just like that.

Jerry:That's incredible. You do one thing wrong and your whole life falls apart.

Elaine:Just admit it, Jerry. You made that face at her.

Jerry:I didn't make any face.

Elaine:You made a face! I saw it!

Jerry:It's a medical condition. I have a nerve that acts up when I'm uncomfortable.

Jerry:Me? Over-the-top mock indignation? I'm genuinely hurt! How dare you suggest my outrage isn't completely authentic and real!

George:The sweater? What sweater? I don't know anything about a sweater!

George:Christmas! It was Christmas! Someone gave me a sweater for Christmas!

George:A CHRISTMAS sweater! For CHRISTMAS! Do you understand what CHRISTMAS means?!

George:You told her I was bald!

Jerry:George, you ARE bald.

George:She didn't know that!

Jerry:Well, she knows now.

George:I had a terrible fever. I was delirious. I went to the store in a daze, I didn't know what I was doing. I bought this sweater thinking it was a tuxedo.

Jerry:You thought a sweater was a tuxedo?

George:I was burning up! My temperature was 104, 105. I was seeing things. I thought I was in Peru.

George:I'm out there Jerry, and I'm loving it!

Cleaning Woman:Oh, a cashmere sweater! This is wonderful!

Cleaning Woman:You know, when I was a little girl in the old country, my mother, she had one cashmere sweater. Just one. She wore it every day, and I would beg her, 'Mama, can I wear it? Can I wear it?' But she would never let me. She said it was too delicate, too precious. I would cry myself to sleep every night, my face pressed against the pillow, dreaming of that sweater.

Cleaning Woman:Then one day, my mother got sick. Very sick. And as she lay in the hospital bed, dying, you know what her last wish was? She wanted me to have the sweater. With her own hands, weak as they were, she took it off and gave it to me. But it was too late. I was so angry at her, so bitter about all those years of waiting, that I took that sweater and I threw it in the fire. I watched it burn. And I never forgave myself.

George:I can't believe it. A cashmere sweater. My mother always said if I ever found a cashmere sweater, my life would be complete.

Cleaning Woman:Very nice sweater.

George:You like it? I got it at a very good price. I'm thinking this is the sweater that could change my life.

Cleaning Woman:You got a spot.

Jerry:I'm talking about that revolting stench in bathrooms.

Dick:Yeah, well maybe if you didn't spend so much time in there, it wouldn't be such a problem.

Jerry:So you're telling me the phrase 'on the wagon' comes from the Cumberland Gap?

Dick:That's right. Settlers would travel through the Cumberland Gap in covered wagons, and if you were on the wagon, you were moving forward, making progress.

Jerry:And if you weren't on the wagon?

Dick:You were stuck. Left behind. So when someone says they're 'on the wagon,' they mean they're getting their life back on track.

Jerry:That's the most convoluted etymological journey I've ever heard.

George:What? I don't know anything about that. Nobody ever told me there were rules about this.

George:I mean, where would I even see something like that? Is it in the employee handbook? Because I've never read that.

George:And frankly, I think if it was that important, someone would've mentioned it to me directly.

George:Wait, wait, wait. It's Christmas time. Can't we just forget about this whole thing? I'll make a donation to a charity of your choice.

Boss:George, you're fired.

George:But it's Christmas!

Elaine:You sabotaged Dick deliberately?

George:I didn't sabotage him. It was an accident.

Elaine:An accident? You told him to go to the bathroom!

George:I was trying to help him. I thought he needed a break.

Kramer:Yeah, well, he got a permanent break.

George:So, how about those Knicks?

Kramer:When does sex begin?

Jerry:Well, I think it begins when the guy goes 'Whoa, whoa, whoa!' and starts to back out of the room.

Jerry:He's coming back!

George:Get under the desk!

Jerry:What are we doing?

George:Just get under!

Jerry:You know, I'm thinking about this whole thing with Dick, and I realize - alcoholics, they're like the most emotional people. They go from zero to a hundred. No in-between. One minute they're fine, the next minute they're crying, throwing things, calling their ex-wife at 2 AM. There's no moderation with these people. It's all or nothing. Which is ironic, because moderation is literally the one thing they need to work on.

Elaine:It's not 'a leeeetle wagon', Jerry. It's 'a little wagon'.

Jerry:I know what I said.

Elaine:No you don't. You're doing that thing where you stretch out the vowels.

Jerry:I'm not doing anything. This is how I talk.

Elaine:No it's not.

Jerry:Well maybe I like saying it that way. Did you ever think of that?