The Truth

Jerry:Why do they always give you extra buttons? What is this, a scam? Like I'm gonna lose a button and go, 'Well, thank God I have this spare button, otherwise I'd have to throw out the entire shirt!' Nobody needs extra buttons. You know how many buttons I have in my junk drawer right now? Forty-seven. Forty-seven buttons! I don't even know what shirts they came from. I'm like a button hoarder. 'Oh, you never know when you might need a button.' Yeah, and you never know when you might need a second pancreas, but I don't keep one of those in a drawer.

Patrice:I'm thinking of making papier-mâché hats. Not just any hats—hats shaped like different types of cheese. Each one would take about six weeks to complete, and I'd only make left-handed versions because right-handed people don't appreciate true art.

George:Wait, so these papier-mâché hats... they actually work as hats?

Patrice:Work as hats? They're not even hats.

Patrice:You know, true artistic integrity comes from the profound philosophical insights of Thomas Carlyle.

George:Tommy C? Yeah, me and him go way back.

Jerry:So this charity, they're collecting money for a volcano relief fund.

Kramer:A volcano relief fund?

Jerry:Yeah, for people who were affected by the volcano.

Kramer:What volcano?

Jerry:Exactly! That's the thing — it was supposed to erupt. They were collecting money in case it did.

Jerry:I mean, what's the big deal with taxes? I don't have a job, I don't make money, so technically I don't owe anything.

George:That's not how it works, Jerry. You can't just decide not to participate in society because you're unemployed.

Jerry:Why not? I'm already not participating in the job market.

George:Exactly my point.

Jerry:Oh yeah, that's hilarious. What could possibly go wrong? Two people living together, working together, dating each other. It's like The Honeymooners, except with more screaming and less Ralph Kramden.

Kramer:Yeah, well, my girlfriend likes to make out in the living room too. She says it's more comfortable than the bedroom.

Jerry:I didn't need to know that.

Kramer:What? It's natural!

Elaine:When did you donate to the charity?

Jerry:A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

Elaine:You weren't thinking of the Krakatoans.

Jerry:These people need our help! They've lost everything to the volcano. Their homes, their families, their way of life. We can't just sit here and do nothing while innocent people suffer. We need to donate now, before it's too late!

Elaine:This is karma. You're being punished.

Jerry:It's not karma. It's Kramer.

Jerry:So I'm thinking, what if I set up a series of shell corporations, each one filing for an extension, and then I transfer all my deductions to a holding company in Delaware...

George:It's not you, it's me. I need to focus on myself right now.

Patrice:But what did I do? Just tell me what I did!

George:You didn't do anything. It's just about compatibility.

Patrice:Is it my hair? I can change my hair! Is it the way I laugh? I'll stop laughing!

George:No, no, it's really not about any one thing.

Patrice:Well there has to be SOMETHING! Did I talk too much? Not enough? Was I too needy? Not needy enough?

Patrice:I want the truth, George. I deserve the truth.

George:You can't handle the truth!

Patrice:Oh, so now you're going to tell me what I can handle?

George:Yes! Because the truth is, I'm lying about everything.

Patrice:Everything?

George:Everything. My name isn't even George.

George:She pronounces it 'Sam-yoo-el.' It's Samuel! Just say Samuel!

Jerry:An audit is like a colonoscopy, except the doctor is looking for money instead of polyps.

Jerry:I'm gonna get audited. I know it. The IRS is gonna come after me. And when they do, I'm gonna take a baseball bat and I'm gonna smash their car. I'm gonna slash their tires, I'm gonna break their windows. Then I'm gonna go to their house and I'm gonna slash their throats. I'm gonna kill their whole family.

Jerry:I'm going to prison. I'm telling you, I'm going to prison.

George:You're not going to prison.

Jerry:George, they're going to lock me up. I can't pay these taxes. You know what? You're the governor. You can pardon me.

George:I'm not a governor.

Jerry:Well, you are now. I'm on death row, George. I'm walking to the electric chair, and you're the only one who can save me.

George:I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it. I'm meeting people, I'm doing things... I'm living!

George:And then I realize... this is it. This is my life. And it's not getting any better. It's just going to be more of the same. More rejection, more failure, more nothing.

George:I'm going to wake up one day and realize I've wasted my entire life, and there's nothing I can do about it because I'm too lazy and too scared to change.

Jerry:Did you give Patrice the tax papers?

George:Oh yeah, I gave them to her.

George:She's dead.

George:We're breaking up.

Jerry:What? Now? We're in the middle of dinner!

George:Tell me the truth, Jerry. Am I cheap?

Jerry:You're not cheap. You're just... fiscally cautious.

George:FISCALLY CAUTIOUS?! That's just a fancy way of saying cheap!

George:I'm not extravagant! I'm careful with my money.

Jerry:Oh yeah, you're real careful. A $40 shirt, $60 pants, $200 shoes...

George:Those are necessities!

Jerry:And let's not forget the $300 massage chair, the imported Italian coffee maker, and that life-size cardboard cutout of Marisa Tomei.

George:The papers are in the file cabinet, top drawer.

Jerry:Top drawer? Or top shelf of the cabinet?

George:Top drawer, Jerry. There is no shelf.

Jerry:Because 'shelf' implies a horizontal surface, whereas 'drawer' is more of a compartment situation.

George:Yes, that's why I said drawer.

Jerry:But when you say 'top,' do you mean the topmost drawer, or the upper portion of the drawer itself?

Jerry:It's a coffee table, but it has a glass top, so it's also a coffee table book about coffee tables!

Kramer:Oh, you see? So people can see the legs!

Jerry:But it's invisible!

Elaine:So... you want some coffee? I could make coffee. I make great coffee.

Jerry:No, I'm fine.

Elaine:Really? Because I have this new blend. It's from Ethiopia. Very smooth.

Jerry:Elaine, seriously, I don't want any coffee.

Elaine:What about food? I could order food. Chinese? Italian? I could go get a sandwich!

Jerry:I'm not hungry.

Elaine:A snack then! Pretzels? Nuts? I think I have some cookies somewhere!

Jerry:Elaine...

Elaine:Or we could watch TV! A movie! I could give you a massage! Do you need a massage?

Jerry:Hey Kramer, come in. But I'm gonna need you to respect my space a little more.

Kramer:Oh, come on Jerry. We're friends.

Jerry:Yeah, but you gotta understand - when you're in my apartment, there are certain areas that are off-limits.

Kramer:Off-limits? What do you mean?

Jerry:I mean, you can't just go around touching my stuff, borrowing things... it's like my personal area.

Kramer:Your personal area?

Jerry:Yes. It's very sensitive down there.

Jerry:You won't be able to see the coffee table.

Kramer:So?

Jerry:Where's Patrice?

George:She's dead.

Jerry:I'm standing there naked, and I think, 'You know what would really help right now? A belt.' Because that's what naked people need — structure. A little support. Like the belt is going to make a difference. 'Well, I'm nude, but I've got this belt cinched tight, so I'm not worried.' What is a belt going to do? It's not holding anything up! There's nothing to hold up! You're naked! The belt is like a security blanket for your waist.

Jerry:What are you doing with pockets on a belt? You're already wearing pants with pockets. It's like, 'I need pockets for my pockets.' And you're naked! You're standing there naked with a belt on doing this.

George:I'm kryptonite to women. I mean, I clear out rooms. They see me, they leave. It's like I have a disease.

George:A woman would actually prefer to be a lesbian than date me. At least that's a choice. But a mental institution? That's worse than me.

George:My cousin, he's got this thing where he needs Pepsi. Not Coke, not Sprite, Pepsi. And it has to be ice cold. He'll go insane if it's not ice cold.

George:One time, the refrigerator was broken for like an hour, and he completely loses it. Starts yelling, pacing around the apartment.

George:My aunt's like, 'We'll get you a Pepsi.' He goes, 'I DON'T WANT A PEPSI! I WANT AN ICE COLD PEPSI!' Like there's a difference!

George:You think about it, a mental institution could be the perfect setup. Three meals a day, a bed, people taking care of you... No one expects anything from you.

George:You could just sit around, maybe paint, maybe write poetry. Nobody's gonna say 'George, why aren't you out there making something of yourself?'

George:The pressure's off! You're insane. You've got a legitimate excuse for everything.

George:Tuberculosis.

George:Tuberculosis.

George:Tuberculosis.

Kramer:What's the big deal? It's natural!

Kramer:You want some giddy-up? I just made a fresh batch.

Kramer:Come on, it's good. Here, try some.

Jerry:Where'd you get this coffee table?

Elaine:I found it on the street.

Kramer:It's a nice table.

Elaine:Yeah, well, somebody was throwing it out.

Kramer:Their loss.

George:Hi, Patrice. How are you doing?

Patrice:I'm doing great! I'm a little teapot, short and stout.

George:Okay... well, I'm George Costanza. We met before.

Patrice:Yes, yes, I remember. You're the potato man!

Jerry:I didn't mean it like that. I'm sure the people there are very... well-adjusted.

George:I'm not capable of guile. I don't know how to be coy. I'm very direct.

Jerry:Well, you're gonna have to guile your way through this one.

Jerry:She needs copies? That's it. We're done.

George:What do you mean we're done? It's just copies.

Jerry:George, she said she needs copies. Do you know what that means?

George:She needs... copies?

Jerry:She needs copies, George. That means she's getting serious. That means she's thinking about the future. Our future. Together.

George:Oh my God.

Jerry:Oh my God is right.

Jerry:I need to find this receipt. The guy who sold it to me had dark hair, kind of a receding hairline, wore a blue shirt...

Jerry:But here's the thing - I don't remember what I bought.

George:I'm going to this poetry reading tonight.

George:It's at this really exclusive loft in SoHo. Very underground. Very cutting edge.

George:The poet only reads to an audience of twelve people. Twelve! It's invitation only.

George:He reads by candlelight. No electricity. Just candles and the sound of his voice echoing off the brick walls.

George:And it's depressing. Really depressing. All about death and loneliness and the meaninglessness of existence.

Jerry:You have to chip in for the cab.

George:Chip in? I'm only going two blocks.

Jerry:So what? You still have to pay.

George:Two blocks! That's like, what, a dollar? I don't have a dollar.

Jerry:You don't have a dollar?

George:Not on me. It's all in my apartment.

Jerry:I got audited by the IRS. You know what the IRS should do? They should make their logo like Toys 'R' Us. You know, with the backwards R? 'Internal Revenue 'R' Us.' That way it wouldn't seem so threatening. You'd get the letter in the mail: 'We're here to destroy your life... but we're fun!'

Jerry:You know what the IRS should do? They should make tax audits like a game show. 'Welcome to Audit or No Audit!' You go in, there's a big spinning wheel, all your deductions are behind doors.

Jerry:Door number one: your home office. Door number two: your car expenses. Door number three: you owe us fifty thousand dollars.

Jerry:And there's a host, very enthusiastic, very supportive. 'Oh, I'm sorry, you picked the audit! But you get a lovely parting gift — a payment plan!'

Jerry:You know, the IRS should really approach audits like a game show. 'And here's your audit!' Audience goes wild, there's a big wheel, you spin it, see how much you owe.

Jerry:But here's the dark twist — if you lose, your parting gift is prison. You don't get a lovely parting gift, you get handcuffs and a federal penitentiary.