The Pitch

Jerry:So I'm at Colonial Williamsburg, right? And there's this blacksmith, supposedly authentic, doing his whole thing with the forge and the horseshoes.

Jerry:But he's wearing a Def Leppard t-shirt under his period costume. A Def Leppard shirt! 'Pour Some Sugar On Me' - that's not exactly 1776.

Jerry:The Amish, they don't have cars, they don't have TV, they don't have phones. It's like they're grounded. It's like they're one big family that's being punished. Their parents are like, 'You know what? No cars for anybody. No electricity. You're all grounded. And you're gonna like it.'

Parent:You better straighten up or I'm going to make you Amish!

Child:What does that mean?

Parent:First, you're going to have to grow a beard. Then you're going to have to build a barn. Then you're going to have to shun your mother!

George:Wait, wait, wait. Before we go any further, I need to know - where are the bathrooms? How far? Because I'm not doing a historical tour where I'm thinking about my bladder the whole time. That's not history, that's a medical emergency.

George:They didn't have good toilet paper during the Civil War.

Jerry:George, you have got to stop thinking about toilet paper.

George:I'm just saying, can you imagine fighting in a war without proper toilet paper?

Jerry:This is a pattern with you. It's always about the toilet paper.

George:A toilet paper museum? That's brilliant! Do you know how many people would go to that? Millions! We could have exhibits on the evolution of toilet paper through the ages, interactive displays where you could feel the different textures and ply counts. We could have a gift shop selling commemorative rolls. This is gold, Jerry, gold!

George:You know what would be a great museum? A toilet paper museum. Think about it. You could have exhibits on the evolution of toilet paper. 'Single-ply to double-ply: A Journey.' 'The Introduction of the Quilted Pattern.' 'Scented vs. Unscented: The Great Debate.'

George:And then you'd have the really innovative stuff. 'The Perforated Sheet: How We Got From Here to There.' 'Color: When White Wasn't Enough.' 'The Cardboard Tube: Necessity or Nuisance?'

George:You could have interactive exhibits. 'Fold or Crumple?' People voting, debating for hours.

NBC Executive:So Jerry, tell us about yourself.

Jerry:Well, I'm a comedian. I do observational humor about everyday life.

NBC Executive:That's great. What else can you tell us?

Jerry:I'm an excellent speller. I can spell any word you give me.

NBC Executive:Any word?

Jerry:Any word. Try me.

Jerry:How about George? G-E-O-R-G-E.

George:Fine.

George:It's a show about gymnastics. We follow the lives of gymnasts, their training, their competitions, their personal drama.

Jerry:Wait, so it's like a drama about gymnasts?

George:Exactly!

Jerry:But George, they're doing gymnastics. How are they going to talk and do gymnastics at the same time?

George:They talk between routines.

Jerry:Between routines? The whole show IS routines. That's what gymnastics is.

George:So?

Jerry:So you've basically got a show that's 90 percent silent tumbling with occasional dialogue about how tired their legs are.

Jerry:But antique dealers don't get involved in customers' lives. They just sell you the stuff and that's it.

Jerry:If I'm going to spend that much time in an antique store, I should just become an antique dealer. At least then I'd have an excuse to be there.

George:So I'm thinking, we could have a whole show about a circus manager. I run the circus, I discover all these unusual people with unique physical characteristics, and I make them stars!

Jerry:George, that's not a show, that's a freak show.

George:Exactly! But we'd do it classy. We'd call it... 'The Big Top.' People would love it!

George:What's wrong with the circus? It's got everything - animals, acrobats, clowns.

Jerry:I don't know, it just seems kind of sad.

George:Sad? It's not sad. You know what it is? It's just a bunch of weird looking people doing things that normal people can't do, so we pay to watch them because it makes us feel better about ourselves.

George:It's a good idea! People love the circus. They love freaks. My show combines the two. It's a natural.

Jerry:George, you can't have a show called 'Circus Freaks.'

George:Why not? It's honest. It's upfront. No false advertising.

Kramer:She was wild, Jerry. Really wild.

Jerry:Yeah, right. What do you mean wild?

Kramer:Nevertheless.

George:Jerry, don't interfere. Just let it go.

Jerry:Yeah, yeah, I won't say anything.

Jerry:Hey Kramer, about that trade you made...

Newman:I'm not reneging on anything! You're the one who's reneging!

Kramer:Why do you keep saying 'reneging'? Nobody says 'reneging'!

Newman:Well, I'm reneging, and I know what reneging is!

Kramer:Alright, that's it. No more reneging.

Jerry:So what's with the radar detector?

Kramer:Oh, I traded for it.

Jerry:Traded what?

Kramer:My coffee table.

Jerry:Your coffee table? Kramer, does it work?

Kramer:No.

George:Why is there no salsa on the table?

George:You know, I think I've figured something out. A person's popularity is directly proportional to their ability to enjoy the way certain words sound when they say them.

George:For instance, nobody wants to be around someone who doesn't enjoy saying 'salsa.' It's a beautiful word. Salsa.

George:People like to say 'salsa.' Salsa! It's a great word. You know, it's fun to say. Salsa!

George:Salsa, salsa, salsa!

Jerry:You know, I think the problem with salsa is nobody knows how to pronounce it. Some people say 'salsa,' some people say 'salsa.' It's driving me crazy.

George:What's the difference?

Jerry:Exactly! That's what I'm saying. We don't even know if we're saying it wrong. We could be walking around, saying it completely wrong our entire lives, and nobody would tell us.

Jerry:So I'm trying to explain to this Spanish guy why I ate a bowl of cereal for dinner. He's looking at me like I'm insane.

Jerry:I say, 'Well, I was hungry, so I ate some cereal.' He goes, 'Cereal? For dinner?' 'Yeah, cereal.' 'But why not food?'

Jerry:'Because I didn't have any food! I had cereal!' Now he's getting angry. 'You had no food in your house?' 'No!' 'So you ate the cereal?' 'YES!'

Jerry:'But cereal is for breakfast!' 'Not for me, buddy. Not today.'

Jerry:Wait a minute. What are we doing right now?

George:What do you mean? We're just talking.

Jerry:Exactly. We're just talking about nothing. And people are watching this.

George:So?

Jerry:So this is it. This is the show. We're doing the show right now.

George:This is the show?

Jerry:This is the show.

Jerry:The show is about nothing.

Jerry:It's just like real life. You know, you talk about nothing, it doesn't mean anything.

Jerry:So I'm sitting there with my coffee, and I realize I have nothing to say. No story, no punchline, nothing. And I think, 'This is it. This is the show.'

George:I'm on the show. I'm on the show, and now I'm thinking... I should be a writer.

Jerry:You should be a writer?

George:Yeah, that's not a bad idea. I could write a show about the show, and everybody in the show watches the show that I wrote.

Jerry:So we're watching you write a show?

George:We're watching each other watch each other. See what I'm saying?

Jerry:So you're just gonna write a sitcom?

George:Why not? I mean, how hard can it be? You write some jokes, some funny situations...

Jerry:It's not that simple, George.

George:Oh come on, Jerry. People do it all the time. Look at what's on TV. If these guys can do it, I can do it.

Jerry:I want to base a character on you.

Kramer:Me? Why would you want to do that?

Jerry:Because you're interesting. You do interesting things.

Kramer:No, no, no. I don't want my life on television.

Kramer:I should play myself in the movie.

Jerry:Kramer, you can't act.

Kramer:What are you talking about? I'm a natural!

Jerry:You're not a natural. You're a guy who walks into rooms funny and says inappropriate things. That's not acting, that's just... you.

Jerry:Why don't you just use Newman? He's got nothing but time.

Newman:Well, you see, a radar detector is a sophisticated piece of electronic equipment designed to detect the presence of radar signals emitted by speed enforcement devices. It works by receiving the electromagnetic waves, analyzing their frequency, and alerting the operator to the presence of law enforcement.

Newman:Obviously.

Newman:You lost your mojo, Kramer. Your whole jumbo is shot!

Kramer:What are you talking about?

Newman:Don't play dumb with me. That radar detector was supposed to be foolproof, and you sold me a lemon!

Newman:Karma's gonna get you, Kramer. Karma, Kramer... Karma Kramer.

Kramer:What are you talking about?

Newman:That's your name now. Karma Kramer.

Jerry:I go to a Spanish restaurant, I try to order in Spanish. The waiter looks at me like I'm insane. I'm like, 'No, no, I'm saying it right!' He's like, 'You're ordering a towel.'

George:I can't meet with these TV executives. I'm not ready for this.

George:What if they ask me about my life? About my accomplishments? I don't have any accomplishments.

George:I'm supposed to be a grown man. I'm supposed to have a job, a relationship, an apartment. I can barely handle my laundry.

George:What about taxes? I don't understand taxes. And insurance? There's so many kinds of insurance.

George:What if my car breaks down? I can't fix a car. What if someone asks me to parallel park? What if there's an emergency and I have to be the adult?

George:Water? They're giving us water? Oh, this is fantastic. I'm gonna sit down, I'm gonna have some water. This is great.

George:You know what? These are good people. These are really good people.

Joe Davola:Before we shake hands, I need to tell you something. I have a very strict handshake protocol. First, I need to know your hand temperature, your grip strength on a scale of one to ten, and whether you've washed your hands in the last four hours. Also, I don't shake hands on Tuesdays or if I'm wearing wool. And if you're left-handed, we're going to have to reschedule this entire interaction.

Jerry:So, you're pretty serious about the karate?

Joe Davola:Oh yeah, I train every day.

Jerry:That's great. Must really help you stay in shape.

Joe Davola:Yeah. You want me to break your arm?

Jerry:There was no party. What party? I don't know anything about a party.

Jerry:Okay, fine, there was a party, but it was very small. Barely a party, really.

Jerry:It was Kramer's idea! I had nothing to do with it. Well, I may have mentioned it to a few people.

Jerry:A few people meaning everyone I know, but they showed up on their own. I didn't invite them.

Jerry:Sure, I sent out the e-mail, but that doesn't mean I'm responsible for the outcome.

Joe Davola:Well, I gotta go. I'm heading over to see Kramer.

Jerry:Oh yeah? What for?

Joe Davola:I don't know, just hanging out. You know, like John Hinckley Jr.

George:They're going to hate it. They're going to take one look at me and throw me out of the room.

Jerry:No, no, no. You're going to go in there and you're going to tell them about your life. They're going to love it.

George:How do you know?

Jerry:Because it's a good idea, George. And you're a good writer.

George:I'm not a good writer.

Jerry:Yes, you are. You're a great writer. You're going to go in there and you're going to nail this thing. And when you walk out of that room, you're going to feel great.

George:You really think so?

Jerry:I know so. Now get out of here and go get 'em.

George:All right, I'm going in.

Jerry:You stink.

George:I wrote an off-Broadway show.

Jerry:Off-Broadway? That's great!

George:Well, actually it's off-off Broadway.

Jerry:Off-off Broadway?

George:It's in my apartment.

George:He's not actually cooking! He's miming it! That's the whole bit!

George:It's hilarious! A chef who doesn't cook, he just pretends to cook. That's gold, Jerry, gold!

George:It's about nothing.

George:Well, it's supposed to be about my life and how I can't seem to get anything right and how every day I come up against obstacles and I'm trying to overcome them.

George:But the show isn't about that. I mean, in a way it is. But it isn't.

George:It's about nothing.

George:The show is about nothing.

Russell:Nothing? How can you have a show about nothing?

George:Well, it's about me, my life.

Russell:But something has to happen.

George:Nothing happens on this show. You see, it's just like life. You know, you eat, you sleep, you go to work, you talk to people.

Stu:You know, I've been thinking about this for twenty years. Dalrymple. D-A-L-R-Y-M-P-L-E. I was wrong. It's D-A-L-R-I-M-P-L-E.

Jerry:I like to read. Reading is something I enjoy doing.

Executive:Reading? On the show?

Jerry:Yeah, why not?

Executive:Well, it's a very... intellectual activity.

Jerry:So?

Executive:Our audience doesn't read. They watch TV.

Jerry:Oh. Well, forget the reading thing.

George:Because it's on TV.

Jerry:That doesn't make any sense.

George:Sure it does. Why do people watch anything? Because it's on TV.

George:Artistic integrity? I don't have any artistic background. I'm an unemployed architect!

George:I'm not doing the circus idea. It's ridiculous. I have artistic integrity.

George:You know what? The circus thing wasn't so bad. Let me hear it again.

George:I have artistic integrity. I'm not just going to write anything for money.

Jerry:Oh really? What about that time you sold your life story to that guy for fifty bucks?

George:That was different.

Jerry:And then you tried to get it back when you realized he was actually going to use it?

George:I changed my mind.

Jerry:You know what artistic integrity is, George? It's when you stick to your principles. You don't have principles. You have needs.

Jerry:George needs psychiatric help.

George:What? I'm fine!

Jerry:You need to see someone. A professional.

George:I don't need a psychiatrist.

Jerry:George, they're going to want to study you. You're going to end up in some medical journal.

George:What are you talking about?

Jerry:Case Study Number 47: The Man Who Did Everything Wrong. They'll have your picture in there. People will point to it and say 'That's the guy!'

George:But I think the real problem is that I'm envious of anybody in a succesful relationship. And rather than fix myself, I just convince myself that they're not really succesful.

Jerry:So in other words, you're saying that all of your opinions are really just attacks on your own life?

George:Yeah, I suppose.

George:But I got to tell you, I think Susan is very attractive.

George:She likes me. Why? I'll tell you why. When I'm talking to a woman, I look her right in the eye. I don't look away. I maintain eye contact. That's a sign of confidence. That's a sign of a man who knows what he wants.

George:So when Susan was looking at me like that, with those eyes... she was showing me respect. Professional respect.

Kramer:Hello?

Kramer:Hello?

Kramer:Hello? Hello?

Telemarketer:Hello, is this a good time? I'm calling about an exciting opportunity...

Kramer:Yeah, yeah, sure. Hey, before you go any further, can I get your home phone number?

Telemarketer:I'm sorry, what?

Kramer:Your home phone number. I'd like to call you at home during dinner time and tell you about products you don't need.

Jerry:How expired is it?

Kramer:Well, let's just say I wouldn't drink it.

George:How bad could it be?

Kramer:The expiration date was... last year.

Jerry:Last year?!

George:You've been drinking year-old milk?

Kramer:I like the tang!

George:Yeah, well maybe I should have vomited on her in the first place. That might have stopped her.

George:You know, it's like in the '30s when Hitler was doing all those things and nobody said anything. See, if someone had just vomited on Hitler, he would have been stopped.

George:It's like the Chamberlain thing. You know, you give them an inch, they take a mile. Pretty soon you're appeasing them left and right.

George:Next thing you know, they're marching into the Sudetenland!

Joe Davola:You gotta understand, I'm a very devoted fan. When I see Kramer, I see a man who's not living up to his potential. So I felt obligated to give him a little wake-up call.

Jerry:You know what the worst thing about vomiting is? The social contract is broken. There's no coming back from that. You vomit in front of someone, that relationship is over. Doesn't matter if it's your mother, your wife, doesn't matter. You vomit, you're done. They'll never look at you the same way again. They'll always remember the moment. It becomes the defining characteristic of your relationship with that person.

Jerry:There's no card for this. There's no greeting card industry standard for 'Sorry I threw up in your car.' You know what I mean? They got cards for everything. 'Sorry your hamster died.' 'Sorry you're getting divorced.' But vomit? Nothing. It's the card industry's biggest gap.

Jerry:I'm thinking of a whole line of sympathy cards for people who've thrown up. 'Sorry to hear you've been vomiting. Thinking of you.' And then inside: 'Lunch is on me!'

Kramer:What is this? What is going on here?

Kramer:I'm only wearing one pant leg!

Kramer:How did this happen? Where's my other leg?

Jerry:Why is half your face shaved?

Kramer:I got halfway through and I realized something.

Jerry:What?

Kramer:I look better this way.

Kramer:Yo-Yo Ma!

Jerry:So what's the deal with Susan's dry cleaning bill? It's like two hundred dollars.

George:She takes everything to the dry cleaners. Everything!

Jerry:But here's what I want to know - when you vomit on something, do you really need to dry clean it? Or can you just wash it?

George:You gotta dry clean it. You can't just wash it.

Jerry:Why not?

George:Because it's not the same! Dry cleaning removes the... the essence of the vomit.

George:I told you so! I told you so! What did I tell you? Didn't I tell you? I said this show was going to be huge. I said it from the beginning. And you didn't believe me. But I knew. I knew it all along.

George:You know, Jerry, I've been thinking about my financial future. I should be making at least $200,000 a year by now.

Jerry:George, what are you basing that on?

George:Well, I'm comparing myself to Tom Cruise. He makes $20 million a picture. I should be making a tenth of that, at least.

Jerry:George, Tom Cruise is an international movie star.

George:So? I've got the same number of hands and feet he does.

George:The man has a toupee. So what? He's worth 200 million dollars. If I had 200 million dollars, I could wear a dead animal on my head.

Uncle Leo:I can't wear pajamas anymore. My back goes out more than I do. I have to sleep on a board. My bed is a board. I got a board for a mattress. My sheets don't even fit right. They just sort of lay there like a tablecloth. And forget about a pillow - my neck can't take it. So I just lay there flat like a corpse, staring at the ceiling all night. Sometimes I think about you, Jerry.

Uncle Leo:I know people in this town, Jerry. I know the head of NBC!

Jerry:Uncle Leo, you don't know the head of NBC.

Uncle Leo:I know somebody who knows somebody. That's practically the same thing.

Jerry:You know what the helmet is? The helmet is evidence of human stupidity, not ingenuity. Think about it. The helmet is like saying, 'Hey, I'm gonna keep hitting my head on things, so I'm gonna need this.' If you had any sense, you wouldn't hit your head in the first place.

Jerry:You know, if they really wanted to protect people from poor judgment, they'd make helmets for going to the bank. You see someone going to the bank in a helmet, you know they're making a withdrawal they're gonna regret.

Jerry:Uncle Leo's lying in a hospital bed, the firemen just saved his life, and he's like, 'Oh, what are you, some kind of hero? You think you're better than me now?'

Uncle Leo:I could've made it out myself. I didn't need your help. Now I'm gonna feel obligated to you for the rest of my life.

Newman:I'm going to kill myself.

Jerry:Why?

Newman:Because my marble rye was stolen.

NBC Executive:It's like a big salad. It should have endive, arugula, radicchio—but then it becomes a restaurant salad, and it costs eight bucks. But if you're willing to let it go, just let it go and enjoy it as a salad. It becomes a new thing. You see what I'm saying?

NBC Executive:Your show is like an EKG. It's supposed to have some ups and downs, but it shouldn't be flat-lining.

Jerry:So you're saying our show needs more heart?

NBC Executive:I'm saying it needs a pulse. Right now it's a medical emergency.

George:What do you mean 'no story'? There's got to be a story. Why would I agree to this?

George:No story! What is that? Who comes up with 'no story'? That's the worst idea I've ever heard!

Kramer:Your honor, I'd like to point out that Newman called me that night. He said he was going to kill himself. I talked him out of it.

Judge:That was very heroic of you.

Kramer:Well, I'm no hero. I just happened to be there.

Kramer:But I'll tell you something - when a man calls you up and says he's gonna kill himself, you gotta take that seriously. You can't just brush it off.

Kramer:I mean, what if I hadn't answered the phone? What if I was out that night? Newman would be dead right now.

Kramer:Giddy-up!

Newman:Your Honor, this is my friend Cosmo. He's suicidal.

Kramer:Yeah, that's right!

Jerry:Here, let me give you some money for the dry cleaning.

Susan:Oh, you don't have to do that.

Jerry:No, I insist.

Susan:Well, okay then.

Jerry:Wait, you actually took it? I thought you were going to say no!

George:Do you know how much Ted Danson makes? He's on Cheers, Jerry. Cheers! And I'm on nothing. I'm nobody.

Jerry:George, you're not on Cheers.

George:I know I'm not on Cheers! That's my point! If I was on Cheers, I'd be making that money.

Jerry:Well, if you were Ted Danson, you'd also be Ted Danson.

George:Exactly!

Jerry:That's not a solution, George.

Jerry:So a cop comes in, orders a muffin. I said, 'A muffin.' He says, 'Yeah, I'm a little hungry.' A little hungry? You're a cop! You should know the difference between a little hungry and a lot hungry. That's like your job!

Judge:Mr. Kramer, please tell us what happened in your own words.

Kramer:Well, I'm not gonna use anybody else's words.

Kramer:My father, he was a banker. He used to tell me, 'Kenny, a bank is not just a place where people keep their money. It's a place where dreams come true.' And then he'd just stare out the window for like twenty minutes.

Kramer:One day he says to me, 'Son, if you're gonna work in a bank, you gotta have the respect of your customers. You gotta walk in there like you own the place.' So I did. They called the police.

Jerry:You know what traffic school is? It's poetic justice. You know what poetic justice is? It's when the punishment fits the crime. I got a ticket for speeding, so now I have to sit in traffic school. I'm being punished with more traffic! It's like if you got a ticket for being bored, so they make you watch C-SPAN.

Jerry:You know what your personal traffic hell would be? You're stuck behind a school bus. And it's stopping at every house.

Jerry:And there's a little kid at every house, and he's not ready. His mother's got to come out, drag him out of the house, put him on the bus.

Jerry:And every time the door opens, there's this loud hydraulic hissing sound, like a air brake on a Mack truck. Pssshhhhh!

Jerry:And it's the most annoying sound in the world. And you're stuck behind this thing for all eternity.