The Switch

Tennis is the only sport where the uniform is what you'd wear under your clothes in any other sport. You're actually out there in your underwear.

That's why they started keeping score like that. Point? You know what? Make it 15. I'm dying in this sweater here. Another one got by me? Take another 10 points. Let's just get this over with.

Really? Grace? / Yes.

Oh, Bruline. Newman's got the same one. / Newman plays tennis? / He's fantastic.

Next time let's play Ping-Pong. It's easier to jump over the net.

Have you noticed that she never laughs? / Really? / Yeah. Think about it.

George, you're becoming one of the glitterati. / What's that? / You know, people who glitter.

Maybe she's bulimic. / What? / Bulimic, you know? / Kramer, she's a model. / Exactly.

There you go, monkey boy. Come on.

Frankenstein didn't seem quite right to me. I missed the sport jacket. Not that it was that nice of a jacket. I mean, it didn't fit him that well. To me there's just something about a monster in a blazer. It shows at least he's making an effort.

That's funny.

I'm so full. / Yes. Full. Love to be full. Love to just sit back, loosen the old belt and digest away for hours. Let those enzymes do their work.

Where are you going? / I just need to freshen up. / You're fresh. You're very fresh. You seem very fresh to me. You're very vital. I couldn't take you any fresher.

The jokes kept bouncing off her like Superman.

Even when she did like something... she doesn't laugh. She says, 'That's funny.'

How could I be with someone that doesn't laugh? It's like.... Well, it's like something.

Well, I heard a noise. / What noise? / You know:

Elaine, of course I'm concerned. I'm paying for those meals. It's like throwing money down the toilet. / In a manner of speaking.

What would be good... is if there was someone else in the bathroom that could tell me.

My mother's a matron! / Babs? / Yeah, there. All right? I said it. You satisfied? Anything else you wanna know?

I'm still carrying a lot of pain. A lot of pain.

I tore my humeral epicondylitis.

There are plenty of things you can do. There's chess... and mahjong.

If I can't play tennis, I have no reason to live.

Ma? / Cosmo.

Cosmo?

He needs a $300 Bruline to beat Ethel Kennedy?

And while I was there, I happened to pick up... another juicy little nugget about our friend.

Cosmo. / Cosmo? / Cosmo? / Cosmo. / Cosmo?

Cosmo!

You did a hell of a job keeping it a secret all these years.

All this time I'm trying not to be me. I'm afraid to face who I was. But I'm Cosmo, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, and that's who I'm gonna be. From now on, I'm Cosmo.

Well, I would except I forgot to bring a towel.

None of those big, coarse 'ha's.' / Oh, yeah. / Hate the big, coarse 'ha.' I hate those.

Do you realize in the entire history of Western civilization... no one successfully accomplished the roommate switch. In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it.

They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages. / How do you know? / For one thing... they didn't have apartments.

I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200 somewhere... there were two women living together.

So if you're scared... if you haven't got the stomach for this, let's get it out right now. And I'll go on my own. If not, you can get onboard, and we can get to work. Now, what's it gonna be? / All right, damn it, I'm in.

We can't do it. Who are we kidding? It's impossible. It's true. You can't do the switch. Nobody can do the switch.

I got it!

So I tell Sandi that I wanna have a ménage à trois... with her and her roommate.

Firstly, the very mention of the idea will cause Sandi to recoil in disgust. Whereupon, she will insist that I remove myself from the premises.

There's only one flaw in it. They're roommates. She'd have to go out with me behind Sandi's back. She's not gonna do that. / You disappoint me, my friend.

She tells Laura, 'If you wanna waste your time with that pervert... that's your problem.'

It's the perfect plan. So inspired, so devious, yet so simple. This is what I do.

No. I'm okay. / Then what are you doing... with that racket? / It's mine. / Ms. Landis borrowed it.

All right, all right. Forget it. But you don't have to mention any of this... to Miss Landis, do you? / I don't have to, but I will.

Hi, Cosmo. / Hi, Mr. Clotworthy. / How are you today? / Couldn't be better. / Hi, Lorraine. / Hi, Cosmo.

I don't know the exact pronunciation... but I believe it's 'ménage à trois.'

That is a wild idea.

Oh, yeah. I was sorry to hear she left. / Babs left? / Yeah. She quit today.

What are you doing in here, George?

From what I hear, you postmen don't have to look too far. / Well, you know, sometimes it just has a way of finding you.

No, actually, she took it pretty well. / So, what happened? / She's into it.

And not only that, she just called me. She told me she spoke with the roommate... and the roommate's into the ménage too.

Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God... that you know me and have access to my dementia?

What are you talking about? I'm not gonna do it. / You're not gonna do it? What do you mean? / I can't. I'm not an orgy guy.

This is like discovering plutonium by accident.

I'd have to dress and act different. I'd have to grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions... and get a new bedspread, new curtains. I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. Then I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends.

Ma! / Cosmo. / I'm sorry. We weren't... We didn't... / Cosmo?