The Fusilli Jerry

The worst part about a car breaking down... is when you're out on the road, you're a guy. Because now you have to get out and pretend like you know what you're doing.

Walk around the front, open up the hood. That's good, it obscures her view. That's the main reason you want to do that.

Like a giant on/off switch turned off.

Elaine, you always care who an ex-girlfriend dates. You don't want someone you know... and you don't want someone better than you.

Now, even though the latter is obviously impossible...

All those mechanics do is work all day with their hands... and their big muscular arms... on machines, and then they come home... dripping with animal sexuality like Stanley Kowalski.

Hey, look at that. They got lobster on the menu. Who would order a lobster here? I mean, do they bring a lobster in every day hoping, 'Today's the day.'

So what if they have a lobster? Suddenly you're a shellfish connoisseur?

I think we really need to be in front of a television set. You take TV out of this relationship, it is just torture.

You're not a divorcée. You're just separated. You're a 'separatée.'

You're not out there. You can't be, because I am out there. And if I see you out there... there's not enough voltage in this world... to electroshock me back into coherence.

He worked on this kid from Guatemala with no nose... turned him into Ricardo Montalban.

No, these don't belong to me. I'm not the Assman.

Well, as far as the state of New York is concerned, you are.

How do you feel? Fine. Something the matter? No. Then what is it? No, nothing.

Jerry, there is no confusing that move with any other move.

We were in the garage. You know how garages are. They're conducive to sex talk. It's a high-testosterone area.

Because of all the pistons and the lube jobs?

Yeah, but it's like another comedian stealing my material.

He doesn't even do it exactly the same. He uses a pinch at the end instead of the swirl.

Oh, yeah, the pinch. I've done the pinch.

You know, it's strange, because he's such an honest mechanic.

I know, he's probably the only honest mechanic in New York.

I'm rubbing two sticks together, you're walking around with a Zippo.

This woman I'm dating is doing her nails during lovemaking.

I'm working like a dog here. Give me a moan, something. I'd settle for a belch, for God's sake.

This is not some parlor trick to be used... pell-mell or willy-nilly.

You can't have more than a 1 foot differential in your heights. Otherwise you could really hurt your neck.

George, if you can master this, you'll never be alone again.

I use the swirl. I like the swirl. I'm comfortable with the swirl. I feel the swirl is a great capper. He uses the pinch, which I find a little presumptuous.

I prefer clockwise. But it's not written in stone.

It's fusilli Jerry. It's made from fusilli pasta. See the microphone?

I'm working on one of you, George. I'm using ravioli.

Why fusilli? Because you're silly.

Assman? Yeah, Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman.

Who would order a license plate that says Assman? Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.

It doesn't have to be someone who gets lots of woman. It could be just some guy with a big ass.

Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.

You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there. You will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard.

See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never. It's always an accident.

Every proctologist's story ends in the same way: 'It was a million-1 shot, doc. Million-1.'

I'll tell you where I'd like to stick it.

All you told me about was the end. The ending is the whole thing. Without the ending, it's nothing. You had nothing.

Didn't need you to tell me that stupid twist. Twirl. Whatever, I don't do it.

You can't come up with your own stuff, so you steal other people's? You're nothing but a hack.

If you wanna do it out of town, okay. But not in the city.

It feels like aliens poking at my body.

Oh, God. Oh, God, Dave! Oh, yes, yes. I'm sorry. What? I can't do the move. What? He's ruined it for me.

Call me. 36-24-46. I think I have what you're looking for.

Yeah, Dr. Cosmo Kramer. Proctology.

Yo, Assman. Look at the Assman. Hey, the Assman's in town. You got that straight.

Boy, I never dreamed it could make such a difference.

You're supposed to close with the swirl? Oh, my God. Yes, you close with the swirl. There's a progression there. I told you to write it down.

That's what they do. They can make up anything. Nobody knows. 'By the way, you need a new Johnson rod in here.' 'Oh, Johnson rod? Yeah, well, better put one of those on.'

It's like big-budget movie with a story that goes nowhere.

I will not stand by and allow him to perform this move on me... while a perfectly good move is just sitting in the barn doing nothing.

Yes. Yes, as a matter of fact there is. I think that's mine.

He stopped short? That's my move.

I used it on Estelle 40 years ago. I told everybody about it. Everybody knows... I stop short.

You think I don't know, Assman?

Mansiere! Bro! Mansiere! Bro!

He had to use corkscrew pasta.

So you're the Assman.

Million-1 shot, doc. Million-1.

It was a fusilli Jerry. It got stuck in me. I had to go to the proctologist.

Ma, don't cry! Ma, your eyes!