The Engagement

Jerry:You know what's interesting about chess? The queen is the most powerful piece on the board. She can move anywhere she wants. Meanwhile, the king can barely move at all. He's just standing there, totally limited. So basically, chess is the only place where women have all the power and men are completely restricted. It's like the game was designed by a feminist in the 1500s.

George:Wait, wait, wait. So you're telling me the queen is the most powerful piece on the board, but she can only move one square at a time? That's not feminism, that's entrapment.

George:And the king - the king can move one square in any direction. So the guy's got all the freedom, but he's completely helpless without the queen protecting him. It's like every marriage I've ever seen.

George:You know what? Chess isn't a game. It's a cry for help.

Jerry:You lost at chess and you're upset? George, you're not even a good loser at chess. You're a bad loser at chess.

George:You know, I played chess once. Lost in three moves. Three moves! And then I went home and... well, let's just say my performance that night was similarly quick.

George:I'm telling you, there's a connection. You lose at chess, you lose at everything.

George:She does this thing where she scrunches up her face and goes 'giddy-up!' Like I'm some kind of horse or something. It's driving me crazy.

George:I can't tell her that. What if she gets mad? What if she leaves me? I'm not equipped to start over. I'm not a young man anymore.

George:You broke up with a girl over being shushed?

Jerry:She shushed me! It was very demeaning.

George:It's shushing. It's not a big deal.

Jerry:Not a big deal? She treated me like I was a child. Like I was speaking out of turn at a library.

Jerry:You ever get that feeling where you think you got a haircut, but you didn't? Like, you'll be sitting somewhere, and you feel that little breeze on the back of your neck, and you're convinced you just got a trim. So you go to the mirror, and nothing's changed. Your hair's exactly the same. But that phantom breeze? It's still there. It's like your neck is gaslighting you.

Jerry:I'm having an existential crisis over petty relationship issues.

Jerry:We're not good people.

George:No, we're not good people.

Jerry:We're not even nice.

George:I've known this for years.

Jerry:And we're gonna be like this when we're old. Like, eighty years old, sitting in some coffee shop, and you're still gonna be like, 'But why did you do that?' And I'm gonna be like, 'I don't know!'

George:We are pathetic.

George:It's not a big deal. It's just a phase.

Jerry:Hi Melanie, it's Jerry. I'm sorry about what I said earlier. You know, I've been thinking about it, and that phrase you used? It's actually pretty great. It's got a real nice ring to it. So anyway, I wanted to reach out because I have some big news. I'm really excited about this, and I wanted to be the first to tell you. So, you ready? Here it goes: I'm really excited about this!

Jerry:Is there more to life than this?

Kramer:Yeah, marriage. And then it's all downhill from there.

Kramer:You know, marriage is all about restrictions. You can't do this, you can't do that. It's like prison, except you're married to the warden.

Kramer:I mean, you gotta ask permission for everything. You wanna go to the bathroom? 'Honey, can I go to the bathroom?' You wanna eat a sandwich? 'Honey, is it okay if I eat a sandwich?'

Kramer:You know, there's a lotta pressure in a dinner conversation. You gotta keep it going, you can't have any dead air. It's like a radio station.

Kramer:And after you've been married, what, ten, fifteen years? You've said everything you're gonna say to each other. There's nothing left to talk about.

Kramer:So you're sitting there, eating your chicken, trying to think of something to say, and the only thing you can come up with is 'This chicken is good.'

Kramer:And she says, 'Yeah, it's good.' And that's it. That's the whole conversation.

Elaine:What am I supposed to do about this dog?

Kramer:Well, you know, there's ways to make it go away.

Kramer:Maybe you should take care of this problem.

Elaine:Are you asking me to whack somebody?

Newman:I'm not a dog person. Dogs on my route, they see the mail truck, they go crazy. One dog in particular, this German Shepherd, massive thing. I'm terrified of it. So one day I'm delivering mail, the dog comes running at me, and I think, 'This is it, I'm done for.' But then the owner comes out and calls the dog back. The dog stops. And I realized something - that dog has more discipline than most people I know. Which is sad, because it's a dog.

Newman:I have a very special set of skills. I can make any dog disappear. Permanently.

Jerry:What are you talking about?

Newman:I know people. People who know people. We have methods. Advanced techniques. The dog will simply... cease to exist.

Jerry:It's a Pomeranian, Newman.

Newman:Size is irrelevant. I once eliminated a German Shepherd with my bare hands.

Newman:Look, here's what we do. We kidnap the dog.

Jerry:Why are you eating your cereal with a fork?

Melanie:It keeps the milk off my mustache.

George:Susan, I've been thinking about us, about our future together.

Susan:George, what are you saying?

George:I'm saying... will you marry me?

Susan:Oh my God, yes! Yes!

Frank:He's marrying a woman?

Estelle:Yes, Frank, a woman.

Frank:I'm very happy for him. I always wondered.

Susan:I love you, George.

Frank:You love him? Have you lost your mind?

Jerry:What's with the rope?

Kramer:Oh, that? I don't know, it was just lying around.

George:I'm engaged. I'm gonna be married.

George:Finally, a woman wants me. For real. Not because I tricked her, not because I'm her last option.

George:And you know what the best part is? Now I can stop trying. I don't have to impress anybody anymore.

George:I can just be myself. The real George Costanza. The fat, bald man who lives with his parents and works in sports.

George:But at least now someone has to like me. By law.

Jerry:So Susan said yes?

George:Well, not exactly. I kind of had to pressure her into it.

Jerry:What's wrong with Susan's skin?

George:It's not the color, it's the tone.

Jerry:The tone?

George:Yeah, the hue. It's an odd hue.

Jerry:You're breaking up with her over the hue?

George:It's not just the hue. It's the overall...hue situation.

Jerry:She kept her roller skates by the bed. By the bed! Who does that? We're not in a rink. We're in a bedroom. If there was a fire, the last thing you need is to be lacing up your roller skates.

Jerry:She eats like a bird one day, then the next day she's shoveling it in like she's at a all-you-can-eat buffet.

George:That is vexing.

George:We made a pact, Jerry. We shook hands.

Jerry:George, that was like fifteen years ago.

George:A pact doesn't have an expiration date!

Jerry:Yes it does. It's called growing up.

Jerry:We should get some champagne to celebrate.

Jerry:Actually, no. Champagne makes me feel like I'm not drinking enough.

Newman:Think about it, Elaine. These dogs are cooped up in apartments all day. What kind of life is that? I'm liberating them. Out in the country, running through fields, chasing rabbits... It's like I'm giving them their freedom back.

Elaine:Newman, you're stealing people's dogs!

Newman:Stealing? No, no, no. I'm emancipating them. These dogs will thank me. They'll run barefoot through the grass, feel the wind in their fur... It's beautiful, really.

George:She wants to see some movie. I don't know, it's got subtitles, it's about feelings.

Jerry:Sounds great.

Jerry:Why don't you wear a watch?

Kramer:I don't need a watch. I can tell what time it is by looking at the sun.

Jerry:What if it's cloudy?

Kramer:Then I don't know what time it is.

Jerry:What are you talking about? Anyone can guess the time within an hour!

Elaine:This is the dangerous dog you kidnapped?

Newman:He may be small, but he's vicious!

Elaine:Newman, he's the size of a muffin.

Newman:A muffin that bites!

George:The action sequences in Firestorm were incredible. Explosions, helicopters, cars flying off cliffs.

Jerry:So you liked it?

George:No, no. But The Muted Heart - now that's a film. A woman sits in a room for two hours thinking about her dead husband.

Jerry:And that's better?

George:It's art, Jerry. It's real.

Kramer:The dog is clinging to me! I can't shake him off!

Kramer:Wait, wait — he's getting my shirt all dirty. Get him off, get him off! My shirt!

George:Yeah, yeah, I'm watching the game.

Susan:Oh, you're watching the game? Because I thought we were going to watch something together.

George:We can watch it together. It's on right now.

Susan:I don't want to watch the game, George.

George:So don't watch it. I'll watch it.

Susan:Fine. But I'm holding the remote.

Kramer:So where's the dog been?

Jerry:Apparently he was kidnapped. But get this - he has a family. A loving family that's been looking for him.

George:A family? The dog has a family?

Jerry:Yeah, and they named him. His name is Farfel.

Elaine:Farfel? What kind of name is Farfel?

Kramer:A dog's name, apparently.

Jerry:I have some big news. George is getting married.

Kramer:No!

Jerry:Yes.

Kramer:No!

Jerry:Yes! George is getting married.

Kramer:This is the most terrible thing I've ever heard. This is a travesty. This is like when the Hindenburg exploded.

Elaine:George is getting married?

Kramer:Newman! You betrayed me!

Jerry:I mean, what's the deal with all of this? We're sitting in jail, and I'm thinking about how I always do this thing where I point out the absurdity of everyday life. And that's exactly what got us here. So here we are, locked up, and I'm doing the same bit. I can't help myself.