The Caddy

Jerry:You know what I don't understand about golf? Why is it okay to hit a golf ball into the crowd at a tournament, but if you threw a rock into the stands, you'd be arrested? It's the same thing! You're hitting people with projectiles. The only difference is one requires a follow-through.

Jerry:You ever notice the cameramen at golf tournaments? They're following the ball the whole time. Got it, lost it. Got it, lost it. That's their whole job. Got it, lost it. Like they're playing some kind of game with the ball.

Jerry:You know, if nobody can follow the ball anyway, why don't we just fake the whole thing? We'll have the cameraman just point at nothing for two hours.

George:That's genius. Nobody would know the difference.

Jerry:We could be in a studio somewhere, the players could be playing checkers, and the announcers are just making it up as they go along.

Jerry:George, how could you leave your car at the gas station?

George:I don't know. I just did.

Jerry:You don't know? It's your car!

George:I'm not a details guy, Jerry. I never have been.

George:I'm telling you, Jerry, this Auto Club is incredible. Free locksmith service. I just need to wait for the membership to activate.

Jerry:How long does that take?

George:A few days. Maybe a week.

Jerry:And your car is locked the whole time?

George:Yeah, but it's worth it for the peace of mind.

Jerry:You're playing golf?

Kramer:Yeah, why not? Winter golf, it's beautiful. The frost on the fairway, it's like a blanket of diamonds. And the ball, it travels further in the cold air. It's pure.

Jerry:You're insane.

Kramer:No, no, no. I'm a purist. Most people, they only play in the spring and summer. But the real golfer, he plays year-round. It's about the challenge, the elements.

Kramer:I sneak onto the course through the service entrances. They can't stop me.

Kramer:I'm telling you, Jerry, I got it. Stan's advice has completely transformed my game. I'm gonna go pro.

Jerry:Go pro? Kramer, you can barely break 90.

Kramer:That's the old Kramer. This is the new Kramer. I'm a different man out there on the course.

Jerry:You shot a 127 last week.

Kramer:Jerry, I'm not listening to the negativity. I've already called three tournaments. I'm in.

Jerry:Your pants are too cold for golf.

George:Too cold? They're pants!

Jerry:They're thin pants, George. You need insulation.

George:I have a system. I wear the pants, then I put on a jacket. That's how it works.

Jerry:That's not a system, that's just getting dressed.

George:It IS a system. It's MY system. I've been perfecting it for years.

Unknown woman:Is it cold in here, or did you just get excited?

Elaine:I'm sorry, I just can't make it to your party. I'm swamped at work.

Sue Ellen:Well, you're still getting me a gift, right?

Wilhelm:George, I'm giving you a promotion. You'll be vice president of the Eastern Division.

George:Vice president? That's wonderful!

Wilhelm:But you must promise me one thing - you keep this confidential. Not a word to anyone until I make the official announcement.

George:Of course, Mr. Wilhelm. My lips are sealed.

Wilhelm:Good. Because if this leaks out before I'm ready, there will be consequences.

George:You can count on me, sir.

Wilhelm:You're fired, Costanza.

George:What? Why?

Wilhelm:I don't like the way you looked at me. Now get out of my office.

Jerry:So what you're telling me is that by doing nothing, by being completely inert, you've become successful at your job?

Jerry:You know, that's actually the same management philosophy the Yankees have been using for the last fifteen years.

George:I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm lovin' every minute of it.

Jerry:What happened?

George:I went back to my apartment, I got on the computer, I'm looking at old-school baseball movies. I'm thinking about the good times. I'm thinking about how life used to be. And I said to myself, 'Why did I ever stop doing this?' So I decided I'm gonna start doing it again.

Jerry:What do you mean you're gonna start doing it again?

George:I mean, I'm gonna start approaching women the way I used to. I used to have a little system, it worked pretty well. I would call women up, I would say things that made them laugh. They seemed to like that.

Jerry:So what changed?

George:I don't know. Life. Confidence. Stuff. But you know what? It all just came back to me. Because I did something today that I haven't done in a long time. I did it because I felt like it. And you know what? It worked.

Elaine:She's been wearing the same bra since high school!

Jerry:So this woman is basically your Lex Luthor.

Jerry:A gift? If I gave a woman a bra, she'd think I was saying, 'Hey, I've noticed your breasts. Here, strap 'em in.'

Jerry:You're not going to take any time off?

George:No. No time off. If I don't take time off, if I show up every single day, they have to promote me. It's like a catch-22. They have no choice.

Jerry:That's not a catch-22.

George:I know, I know. But it's close.

Sue Ellen:Thank you so much for the lovely gift.

Elaine:Oh, that wasn't a gift. That was just something I didn't want anymore.

Elaine:It's not a bra, it's a... it's a... bra

Sue Ellen:Yeah, I know what a bra is.

Jerry:You want me to drive six hours total to remove some fliers?

George:Well, what do you want me to do? I can't drive six hours.

Jerry:So I have to do it?

George:If you don't, I'm never speaking to you again.

Jerry:You know, with you it's always yes. Yes to everything. Someone says 'Let's go to the Bronx,' you say yes. You don't even think about it.

Kramer:Why not?

Jerry:Why not? Because it's the Bronx!

Jerry:Oh my God!

Kramer:What? What is it?

Jerry:Don't look now, but isn't that Sue Ellen Mischke?

Kramer:Where?

Jerry:Over there, by the corner.

Kramer:Oh yeah, that's her. What's she wearing?

Jerry:Is that a bra?

Kramer:It looks like a bra.

Jerry:She's wearing a bra as a top!

Kramer:Hello!

Elaine:I can't believe this. I gave her that blouse as a gift and now she's dead!

Jerry:Elaine, you can't blame yourself. It's not your fault she wore it in a plane crash.

Elaine:But that blouse was so bright and colorful. What if the pilot was distracted? What if he couldn't see the runway because he was looking at her outfit?

Jerry:It's like she's declaring war on fabrics. I mean, we've come to an understanding with the bra industry, okay? It stays under, we stay out. But now she's breaking the treaty.

Jackie Chiles:This is a travesty! A miscarriage of justice! You have been wronged, my friend. The pain and suffering you have endured is immeasurable. We will take this case all the way to the Supreme Court if we have to!

Kramer:It's just a paper cut.

Jackie Chiles:A paper cut?! A PAPER CUT?! Do you know what a paper cut can lead to? Infection! Gangrene! Amputation! We're talking about a multi-million dollar settlement here!

Jackie Chiles:This outfit is a travesty, a mockery, a farce! It's a travesty, a mockery, a farce of a mockery of a travesty!

Jackie Chiles:Oh Henry! Oh Henry! Oh Henry! Do you know what this means? This is a very significant confection. The nougat-to-caramel ratio is impeccable. I've been eating these bars for thirty years and I never knew they were made by royalty!

Jackie Chiles:We need to get you the best representation. This is a major candy situation. I'm talking serious chocolate bar jurisdiction here.

Jackie Chiles:We have no case. You can't get blood out of a turnip.

George:Don't worry about it. I got it all figured out. I'll just tell them the car got stolen. Insurance will cover it.

George:No, no, I'm serious. I've thought this through. I'll file a police report, say I parked it on the street, came back and it was gone.

George:What? It's foolproof. They're not gonna check anything. They just pay out.

Wilhelm:This car, it has been through something terrible. The blood on the seats, the twisted metal, the shattered glass - it tells a story of violence and suffering.

George:Wilhelm, that's just ketchup and a fender bender.

Wilhelm:A fender bender? No, no. This is a crime scene. A struggle between man and machine. Perhaps a wild animal was involved.

Steinbrenner:Where's Costanza? I want him found immediately. I don't care if we have to drag the Hudson River, I want results!

Assistant:Sir, he's probably just running late...

Steinbrenner:Running late? RUNNING LATE?! This is a code red situation! Get me the National Guard, the Coast Guard, and somebody call the Russians — they know how to find people!

Wilhelm:We can't find George anywhere.

Steinbrenner:He's dead. George is dead.

Steinbrenner:George is gone. A good man. A good employee. I will miss him.

Steinbrenner:Now, who's going to take over his desk?

Jerry:You're the one who started this whole thing!

Kramer:Me? You're just trying to cover your tracks!

Jerry:I only care about what's fair!

Kramer:Fair? You care about the money!

Jerry:Well, you care about being right!

Kramer:At least I'm honest about it!

Steinbrenner:Frank, I have some terrible news. Your son, George, he's dead.

Frank:What?! Dead?!

Frank:How could you let this happen?! He was my boy! My only son!

Frank:And another thing - those trades you made last season were a disaster! Trading away Rodriguez for nothing?! What were you thinking?!

Frank:You destroy my son's life with your incompetence, and you destroy the team too!

George:Should I tell my parents I'm alive?

Jerry:I don't know, they might be happier thinking you're dead.

George:Mr. Steinbrenner, I can explain my absence. I was in the Amazon rainforest studying the mating habits of the jaguar. My research team and I were attacked by a swarm of bullet ants. I had to fashion a makeshift tourniquet from vines and navigate back to civilization using only the stars and my knowledge of osmosis.

Steinbrenner:Costanza, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

George:It's all true, sir. Every word.

George:I could survive on grubs.

Steinbrenner:Grubs? What kind of grubs?

George:You know, grubs. Insects.

Steinbrenner:And they're... edible?

Steinbrenner:Chaos doesn't work for the Yankees. We need order, we need discipline, we need structure. That's what wins championships. That's what I've built here. And I'm not going to let some fly-by-night operation come in here and destroy everything I've worked for.

Judge:Mr. Seinfeld, you were present at the incident in question?

Jerry:Yes, Your Honor.

Judge:And you saw the defendant, Sue Ellen Mischke?

Jerry:I did. She was... she looked really good that day.

Judge:Mr. Seinfeld, please stick to the facts.

Jerry:I'm just saying, she had this dress on, and her hair was perfect. I mean, if you're going to accuse someone, at least they should look like that.

Judge:This is a court of law, not a dating service.

Jerry:I know, but I'm just being honest. Whatever she did, I'm willing to overlook it.

Jackie:Stan, I need legal advice. What should I do?

Stan:Well, the key is to keep your head down, stay focused, and remember: it's all about the follow-through.

Jackie:That's your legal strategy?

Stan:Works on the golf course. Why shouldn't it work in court?

Jackie Chiles:This is unconscionable! You took the advice of a caddy? A CADDY?! Do you know what a caddy is? A caddy is a guy who carries clubs! I have gone to school for eight years to get my law degree, and you're taking tips from a man who makes his living hauling sticks!

Jackie Chiles:Your Honor, the demonstration was fundamentally flawed. You cannot simply take a bra off a woman and expect it to fit properly on another woman. Every woman is different! The architecture is different, the support system is different.

Jackie Chiles:This is not unlike the glove situation. If it doesn't fit, you must acquit!

Elaine:Yeah, that's a great outfit. Really subtle. I'm sure nobody will notice you in that.