The Pool Guy

Jerry:When did the tic-tac-toe symbol become the pound sign? Nobody decided that. It just happened. We should call it 'Archie's head.' That's what it looks like—Archie's hair.

Jerry:The redial button is just the harassment key. That's all it is. For fighting couples. You hang up on someone, they hang up on you, boom — redial. It's like a technological way to say 'we're not done arguing yet.'

Jerry:Who do you think would win in a fight between you and me?

George:Oh, I'd win. Easily.

Jerry:You? You'd win?

George:I'd destroy you.

Jerry:I don't think so.

George:Oh please, I'd take you apart.

Jerry:Yeah, it's a real fight. Mano a mano. Well, in George's case, it's more like mano a... no mano.

Elaine:You'd fight dirty, you wouldn't care about winning fair and square.

George:That's right! I would fight dirty! I have no shame!

Jerry:What's the big deal? It's just old clothes. I mean, how interesting can fabric from 200 years ago be?

Jerry:Well, you're not very nice.

Jerry:You're like a man.

Jerry:You act like a man, you dress like a man, you think like a man.

Jerry:What time do you want to see the movie?

Jerry:High noon.

Jerry:You have to call her. You can't just not call her.

George:I know, I know. I'm going to call her.

Jerry:So call her.

George:I'll call her. I just... I need a moment.

Jerry:A man who cannot make a phone call is not a man.

Kramer:These are two separate worlds, Jerry. You don't want these two worlds to collide!

Jerry:Why would they collide?

Kramer:Well, I don't know, but I do know that if Elaine and Susan meet, the world as we know it will cease to exist.

Ramon:I'm getting a new phone number.

Ramon:I've got too many women calling me.

Jerry:Well, I guess you could say you really... chlorinated your career opportunities.

George:Wait, what deep end? I thought we were talking about the pool!

Elaine:I want to ask Susan to lunch.

George:Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't just ask Susan to lunch without consulting me first. She's my girlfriend. I need to approve all of her friendships.

Jerry:We should have a clinical term for avoiding unwanted social contact. Like when you don't want to sit next to someone at the movies.

George:What would we call it?

Jerry:The Big Snub.

George:What? I'm just adjusting for lumbar support. My back needs proper orthopedic alignment.

Jerry:So I was thinking about the button on my shirt... and how it's just sitting there. Doing nothing. And I thought, 'What if that button could talk?' And it would say, 'Hey, I've been holding this fabric together for three years now, and nobody's even acknowledged me. I'm like the unsung hero of your wardrobe.' And then I realized, buttons don't talk. But if they did, that button would have some serious issues to work through.

Jerry:So I have this theory about the world.

George:Oh yeah? What is it?

Jerry:Well, I think everything is just falling apart. Slowly at first, then all at once.

George:That's it? That's your theory?

Jerry:Yeah.

George:The world's not falling apart, Jerry. The world's exploding. We're all just standing here while everything around us is blowing up in our faces!

George:Jerry, there are two worlds. There's the real world, and there's the world inside your head.

George:You gotta learn to live in both worlds. That's what I do.

Jerry:You live in two worlds?

George:Yeah. This world, and the world in here. And in here, I'm married, I'm a millionaire, I'm an astronaut.

Jerry:Wait, what's your number?

Kramer:555-FILK

Jerry:555-FILK? That's one letter off from Moviefone!

Jerry:You're gonna get all their calls.

Jerry:So what is this number people have been calling?

Kramer:It's 'Filk'. That's my name now. Filk.

Jerry:Filk? What kind of name is Filk?

Kramer:It's a good name! It's got a nice ring to it.

Susan:Look at the neckline on this dress. They really put the cleavage out there back then.

George:Well, what do you want? They didn't have push-up bras.

Susan:What vault?

Jerry:So what kind of 'girlie stuff' are we talking about here?

Elaine:You know, we just hung out. Talked about clothes, makeup, relationships...

Jerry:Relationships? What did you say about relationships?

Elaine:I don't know, normal stuff.

Jerry:Were you... in your underwear?

Elaine:What? No!

Jerry:Did you at least do each other's hair?

Elaine:We talked, Jerry. That's it.

Jerry:This is very disappointing.

Elaine:You're fantasizing about her?

Jerry:What? She's attractive!

Elaine:She's your cousin!

Jerry:A distant cousin. And in my fantasy, she's not related to me at all.

Kramer:Hello?

Caller:Yeah, I'd like to know what time the movie starts.

Kramer:What movie?

Caller:The one playing at the mall.

Kramer:Thank you for calling Moviefone. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, press 1. To browse by genre, press 2. To hear our special offers, press 3.

Kramer:Yeah, yeah, I got some reviews for you. Casablanca - great picture. Here's looking at you, kid.

Kramer:The Godfather - tremendous picture. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse.

Kramer:Citizen Kane - masterpiece. Rosebud, my friend.

Kramer:Hold on, I'm gonna get Jerry. He knows about movies too.

Elaine:Oh! Ramon! Hi! I was just... I have to go. Right now. Bye!

Elaine:Sorry, I'm late for... something. Anything. I'll call you!

Jerry:Ramon, I gotta be honest with you. I can only maintain a certain number of friendships at any given time. I'm at capacity. You're gonna have to be discontinued.

Ramon:Discontinued?

Jerry:Yeah, like a product line. You're being phased out.

Susan:I'm like a vault.

George:You're a vault? Since when are you a vault?

George:Elaine's a vault. You're not a vault.

George:Why does everyone always find out about me? I'm not a big enough person to have secrets!

George:George is getting upset!

George:I'm out there Jerry, and I'm lovin' every minute of it.

George:I got a liar George, I got a businessman George. If I'm gonna do this, I gotta have a liar George.

George:My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

George:But there's the liar George. He's very good. He tells these lies, and he's very good at it. Nobody's ever caught liar George.

Jerry:You know, I have to say, I think you're doing great. You're really becoming your own man.

George:I am, aren't I? I'm independent, I'm confident...

Jerry:Yeah, you really are.

George:This George is dying.

George:A house divided against itself cannot stand. I am a house divided against myself. I cannot stand.

Kramer:Hello?

Kramer:No, this is not a movie theater.

Kramer:Well, you've reached Moviefone. For showtimes, press 1. For ratings, press 2. For sponsorship opportunities, press 3.

Elaine:Hello? Hi, I'm calling about showtimes for—wait, is this Kramer?

Kramer:This is Moviefone. What movie would you like to see?

Elaine:Kramer, stop it! I know it's you!

Kramer:I don't know what you're talking about. Press 1 for action movies.

Elaine:That voice! The way you said 'Moviefone'! It's you!

Kramer:Ma'am, please select a genre or hang up.

Elaine:KRAMER! I can hear you grinning through the phone!

Elaine:What time is the movie?

Kramer:I don't know. I have no idea what time it is.

Kramer:These towels are incredible!

Ramon:They're just towels.

Kramer:Just towels? Do you know what I've been using? A gym sock and a newspaper!

Ramon:Heeey, George! How ya doin', buddy? Come here, give me a hug!

George:No, no, no. I'm not a hugger.

George:Oh my God. Oh my God!

George:They're all here. They're all here at the same time.

George:Olly olly oxen free!

Jerry:I'm not doing it.

George:Why not? You're a doctor.

Jerry:I'm not a doctor, George. And even if I was, I wouldn't do it.

George:Well, I'm certainly not doing it. I barely know the guy.

Jerry:You know him better than I do.

George:That's not true. You work with him.

Jerry:That doesn't mean I'm putting my lips on his.

George:We have to do something! He could be dying!

Jerry:Yeah, well, what do you want me to do? I'm not a doctor.

Newman:We should call an ambulance!

Jerry:Fine, fine. But if he dies, he dies. It's not like we knew him or anything.

George:Wait a minute. She went to the movies? With Jerry?

George:She went to the movies with Jerry? What do you mean she went to the movies with Jerry?

George:With Jerry! She went to the movies with Jerry!

Kramer:Hello, you've reached Moviefone. Thank you for calling. To hear listings for a specific theater, press one. To hear listings by movie title, press two. To hear our menu options again, press three.

Kramer:You've selected listings by movie title. Please spell the name of the movie.

George:Uh, S-P-L-I-N-D-I-D.

Kramer:I'm sorry, that title is not in our system.

George:I don't understand this phone system. How do I get a human being?

Kramer:Just press zero. Press zero!

George:I did press zero. It just keeps giving me options.

Kramer:Well, press it again! What is this, your first time using a phone?

George:I've been on hold for twenty minutes!

Kramer:Oh, for crying out loud! Give me that. Hello? Hello? Is anybody there? This is ridiculous! I can't even get through my own system!

Kramer:Press 1 for English. Press 2 for Spanish. Press 3 to speak to a representative.

Kramer:All right, forget it. I'm not pressing anything. Hey! HEY! I know you're there! Pick up the phone!

George:They're all looking at me! Everyone in this theater is looking at me!

George:I'm like Oswald! I'm the patsy!

George:You're all in on it! You're all in on it! You're all in on it!

George:I can't believe this. I can't believe they're making me go to the Cineplex on 42nd Street. The Cineplex! Do you know what they have there? Sticky floors! Sticky floors and broken cup holders!

George:This is abandonment. Pure abandonment. I've been cast aside like yesterday's popcorn.

George:It's like he said... 'My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.' And then... independent George died.

Ramon:Kramer, what is this? You're supposed to be doing Moviefone!

Kramer:Hello, and welcome to Moviefone!