The Andrea Doria

Jerry:There's a no food or drink rule.

Kramer:So?

Jerry:So? You can't bring food or drink in there.

Kramer:I'm going in anyway.

Jerry:Do you have any batteries?

Jerry:George, you need to get out.

George:Okay, I'm leaving right now.

Jerry:No, I mean you need to get your life together.

George:Oh... well, why didn't you say so?

Jerry:George's new apartment is great. It's got everything - a kitchen, a bedroom, a bathroom. But you know what feature really sets it apart? The 'make-your-friends-hate-you' element. That's included standard.

Jerry:It's not a blind date, it's a setup. There's a difference. A blind date, blind people don't want to go on those. They don't want to be associated with dating failures.

George:You know, I'm looking for a nice apartment. Something with a walk-in closet.

George:Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Kramer:You see, when you cough, your diaphragm contracts involuntarily, forcing air out of your lungs at high velocity to clear your airways. It's a natural reflex mechanism. Your body is trying to expel foreign particles or mucus buildup.

Kramer:Yeah, I rented out half of your storage space.

Jerry:You what?!

Kramer:Well, I rented out half of my half to Newman.

Jerry:Newman?

Jerry:Newman, what is all this?

Newman:It's mail. I'm storing it.

Jerry:You're storing mail? Newman, that's illegal!

Newman:It's not illegal if no one knows about it.

George:Look at these floors. They're perfect. You could play basketball in here.

George:I'm playing basketball.

Mrs. Ricardi:The reason is surviving a famous shipwreck from decades ago

George:It wasn't a big deal. A lot of people died, but it wasn't a big deal.

Mrs. Ricardi:Not a big deal? The Andrea Doria sank!

George:Yeah, but it was a boat. What do you expect?

Mrs. Ricardi:What do I expect? It was a disaster!

George:A disaster? I thought it was a collision.

Elaine:Oh my God, look at this. 'Warning: Do not use while sleeping.' Why would anyone use this while sleeping?

Elaine:And this one: 'May cause drowsiness.' Well, that's the idea!

Elaine:'Do not insert into any body cavity.' I wasn't planning on it, but now I'm curious.

George:I'm sorry I yelled at you last night. I was stressed about work.

Woman:It's okay, I understand.

George:Yeah, well, I should probably tell you—I'm not actually a marine biologist. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

Elaine:Wait, what? He was stabbed?

Waiter:Yeah, so anyway, can I get you anything else?

Elaine:I mean, there are some people who are just stab-worthy. You know? I'm not saying I would stab them, but if someone else did, I wouldn't be surprised.

Elaine:Being stabbed is very romantic.

Jerry:Oh yeah? Well being shot is even MORE romantic.

Kramer:So what, there's no expiration date? I'm eating it anyway.

Kramer:Well, it's expired now.

Kramer:You know, I went to this doctor, right? He botches my vasectomy. Now I'm MORE fertile than before!

Kramer:The Andrea Doria! That was a great ship.

Jerry:The Andrea Doria sank.

Kramer:Oh, I know she sank. But before that, she was fabulous. You know, I once heard her sing.

Jerry:The ship sang?

Kramer:Like an angel.

Jerry:No, no, no. A ship is a large vessel. A singer is a person who sings. They're completely different things.

Jerry:By the way, did you see the bathroom in that place? Tiny. You can barely turn around in there.

Kramer:Now making Cat Stevens into a ship that rammed Gordon Lightfoot

George:Not tragic enough? The Andrea Doria went down in 1956. Fifty-one people died.

Jerry:So what, you need more deaths to make it tragic?

George:I'm just saying, on a cruise ship, you're gonna lose a few people. It's gonna happen. You got old people, you got people with heart conditions... Fifty-one is not a lot.

Newman:Air so humid that stamps self-stick

Newman:I'm not a theif, I'm a re-distributor of packages.

Jerry:You're stealing from the post office.

Newman:I prefer to think of it as taking what's rightfully mine.

Jerry:It's rightfully the post office's.

Newman:They pay me, don't they? I'm just taking my compensation in merchandise.

Jerry:The law is the law.

Newman:Oh, that's easy for you to say, Jerry. You don't smoke Menthol.

George Costanza:I love shrimp! I love 'em!

George Costanza:Look at me, I'm eating shrimp! I'm eating shrimp!

Elaine:There's another crazed ex-girlfriend besides the stabber

George:See, the thing is, when you break up with someone, you have to mean what you say. You can't just say things and not mean them.

Jerry:But you just said you didn't mean it.

George:I didn't mean it the way you're taking it!

Jerry:How am I supposed to take it?

George:You're supposed to know that when I say I didn't mean it, I meant something else!

Elaine:You know, I think the key to a good breakup is the technique. I mean, the actual relationship, that's nothing. But the breakup? That's an art form.

Kramer:You know what? Vets are better than doctors. A vet has to know about every animal. A doctor just knows about people.

Kramer:A vet could treat a giraffe, a llama, a kangaroo... A doctor couldn't even tell you what's wrong with a llama.

Jerry:You're giving a dog medicine to a person?

Kramer:It's the same medicine, Jerry. It's just a smaller dose.

Jerry:Kramer, that's insane!

Kramer:What? Dogs have the same ailments we do. My vet told me that.

George:So you were on the Andrea Doria?

Andrea Doria Survivor:Yes, it was terrible.

George:Yeah, I was on a cruise once. Worst week of my life. The buffet was picked over by noon, the rooms were tiny... I complained the whole time.

Andrea Doria Survivor:We were sinking.

George:Well, yeah, but the service! I mean, come on.

Clarence:We had to abandon ship.

George:Yeah, well, I've been on plenty of cruises. You know what the problem is? Nobody wants to leave when it's time to go. So they make an announcement: 'All ashore that's going ashore.' It's like a little game they play. But this... this is just an excuse to stay longer.

George:I mean, abandoning ship? That's just the cruise director's way of extending the trip. 'Oh, we're sinking, everyone to the lifeboats!' It's genius, really. Gets people off the boat without them complaining about the food.

George:The ship is sinking. It's going down. All is lost. Women and children first. The old are trampled. Cries for help go unanswered. It's a bloodbath, a madhouse, pandemonium.

George:But then, out of the wreckage, a solitary voice. An elderly man, clinging to a piece of wood. 'Help me,' he cries. 'Help me.' And I look at him, and I say, 'Sorry, buddy. You're on your own.'

George:You know, we're living in a society! We're supposed to act in a CERTAIN way!

George:I know that I can go out there tonight, I can find a woman and take her home. I'm not giving up my life for this!

George:I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it!

George:If I could just go back in time, I would take all my actions, and I would take them back to the Andrea Doria.

George:And I would be the reason that ship went down.

Vet:So tell me, has your dog been drinking out of the toilet?

Kramer:What? No! Why would he do that?

Elaine:So what are you going to say? Just rip the band-aid off.

Alan:Your head is too big for your body.

Alan:You're a jerk!

Elaine:That's it? That's all you got? I dump you and that's the insult? 'You're a jerk'? I was expecting something with a little more...bite. A little more creativity. This is pathetic.

George:This guy, he survived the Andrea Doria! He's a hero! He's got stories, he's got credibility!

Jerry:George, your life is a tragedy. It's just not a good tragedy.

George:What do you mean? I've suffered!

Jerry:Yes, but it's not interesting suffering. It's not a ship going down. It's more like... a slow leak.

George:I can take on anybody. Bummer-to-bummer.

Newman:Oh, the extra mail? That's fine, I can handle it. I've got plenty of time.

Newman:You know, most days I'm finished by 10:30.

Newman:My dream of going to Hawaii is dead.

Jerry:Well, I share a dream with you.

Newman:Really? What's that?

Jerry:You leaving.

Jerry:He's right there. He's like a block away. He could just pop over anytime he wants. Do you know what that's like? It's like having a loaded gun in the apartment. Except the gun is Newman.

Jerry:I go to the fridge, I get some giddy-up. I sit on the couch, I watch some TV. I'm just sitting there in my underwear, I'm having a nice time, and boom - Newman could be here any minute.

Elaine:Did you just say I have a big head?

Jerry:No, I said—

Elaine:A big head! Thank you! I've been working out, doing neck exercises. Finally someone notices!

Jerry:Wait a minute... these are dog pills.

Jerry:Dog pills? I gave Kramer dog pills!

Kramer:What? Dog pills?

Jerry:Look at the side effects: increased urination, excessive drooling, tendency to chase small animals...

Kramer:Oh no...

Jerry:You want to go for a walk? Should I get your leash?

Jerry:Who's a good Kramer? Who's a good Kramer?

Jerry:You want a treat? I got a biscuit here.

Jerry:Why do people with big heads always sit behind me?

George:Because they're drawn to you.

Jerry:What does that mean? I'm not a magnet for large-headed people.

Kramer:Wait a minute... you're taking me to the doctor like I'm some kind of... pet!

Jerry:Well, you wouldn't go on your own.

Kramer:I'm not a dog, Jerry!

Frank:I'm not sitting at a table. A booth is a booth. I don't compromise on seating. You think I'm taking the subway all the way down here to sit at some regular table like a shmuck?

Jerry:Kramer! Kramer, no! Bad! Bad Kramer! You don't run from the doctor!

Jerry:No, no, no. Get back here. Bad boy!

Newman:I was bitten by a dog.

Kramer:I'm not a dog!

Newman:You bit me like one.

Kramer:We were arguing about Hawaii!

Newman:That doesn't give you the right to bite me!

George:I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it!

George:She's got her good qualities. She's nice, she's smart, she's pretty. But she's a Nazi.

George:It shrinks! I was in the pool!

George:I'm George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

George:I'm short, stocky, got a little gray on the side here. My name is George. I know how that sounds.

George:Your Honor, I'd like to say that I am not guilty. I would never do anything to harm anyone. I'm a good person. I pay my taxes, I help old ladies cross the street, I've never cheated on a girlfriend in my life.

George:Well, except for that one time, but that doesn't count because we weren't technically together at that moment.

George:And I would never, ever steal. I'm an honest man. An upstanding citizen. Someone you can trust and depend on.

George:My only real flaw is that my brain is smaller than a normal human brain.

Newman:Do not bend? Of course you bend! You fold, you spindle, you mutilate! That's what the mail is all about!

Newman:You know, Jerry, the postal service has a success rate of about 94%. That's like a .940 batting average. That would make you the greatest baseball player of all time. You'd be better than Ted Williams!

Newman:So when you tell me that YOU have a 100% success rate at your job, well, that makes me very suspicious.

Newman:This is disgraceful! You've made a mockery of the postal service!

Jerry:What? I delivered the mail.

Newman:You delivered it too efficiently! You're making the rest of us look bad!

Stranger:You got hit by a bird? That happens all the time with a head that big. It's like a natural phenomenon.

Elaine:My head is like a candy apple. A big red candy apple on a tiny wooden stick.

Jerry:Just laugh it off.

Elaine:Or I could stab him.

Alan:Yeah, and your feet are huge!

Restaurant patron:We need help! There's a fight! Send someone immediately!

911 Operator:Can you describe what's happening?

Restaurant patron:There's a woman — she's got a really big head, and she's fighting with someone!

Kramer:Jerry! Jerry!

Jerry:What? What is it, boy? What is it?

George:So you must have really suffered to get this apartment. Waited years on a list, dealt with some difficult landlord situation?

Alan:Actually, I just slipped the superintendent five hundred bucks.

George:What do you mean the apartment isn't available? You said it was mine!

Alan:Look, I'm sorry George, but we need to go in a different direction.

George:Different direction? What are you talking about?

Alan:Well, for starters, you're bald. And not in a good way. You've got that weird horseshoe thing going on. And those clothes? They're doing you no favors. And don't even get me started on your posture.

George:Hey! Hey! What is this?