The Voice

Thomassoulo:You're not really handicapped, are you?

George:Well, I mean, we're all handicapped in some way, aren't we? I have my own challenges. Nobody knows what anyone else is going through.

George:It's a real condition. Very rare. Occurs in one out of every... I read about it in a book. There's this guy, he's got the same thing.

Jerry:What guy?

George:Superman. Same thing happened to him.

George:Wait, wait. I'm confused. Why am I being fired?

Mr. Thomassoulo:Because you're incompetent.

George:Oh. Okay.

George:Because I have a contract! They can't just kick me out. I'm protected. Besides, why would I leave? I've got it made here. Free office, free phone, I can do whatever I want.

George:They know I know they know I know about the clause. Subsection 4, paragraph B. If they fire me without cause, they owe me two years severance. So really, they need me more than I need them.

Jerry:So you're telling me this person has a voice that comes from their bellybutton?

Elaine:Yes! It's like a tiny mouth.

Jerry:A tiny mouth? In the bellybutton? Why the bellybutton specifically? Why not the elbow? Why not behind the ear?

Elaine:I don't know, that's just where it is!

Jerry:The bellybutton. Of all the places on the human body, you pick the one place that's basically just a lint collector.

Jerry:So I'm thinking, what if your stomach had a voice? And it just demands attention whenever it wants something?

Jerry:Like, you're in the middle of something important, and your belly's like: 'Hey! Hey! We're doing this NOW. I don't care what you're doing.'

Elaine:I can't believe you just did that. And I can't believe I watched the whole thing.

Elaine:This is exactly the kind of stuff I should be running away from, but instead I'm just... standing here.

Jerry:Puddy!

Elaine:I'm surprised he survived the breakup.

Jerry:It's the Puddy Cycle. He leaves, you cry, he comes back, you take him back. It's cyclical.

George:A vending machine? That's what you're comparing women to?

Jerry:Well, you put money in, you get what you want out.

George:That's actually not a bad analogy.

George:I had feelings for them. I mean, I cared about them.

George:But in the end, they were just people.

George:I don't want my belt touching the urinal. You never know what's on those things.

Jerry:Your belt? George, your belt doesn't go near the urinal.

George:It hangs down. It could brush against it. I'm not taking that chance.

Jerry:You have a belt phobia.

George:I don't have a phobia. I just don't like belts. There's a difference.

Jerry:What's the difference?

George:A phobia is irrational. My hatred of belts is perfectly rational.

Jerry:You're unemployed, you live off people, you don't contribute anything to society.

Kramer:Yeah, but I have a good sense of humor.

Kramer:Do you know how much time I waste in this apartment?

Jerry:No, but I have a feeling you're about to tell me, and then I'm gonna feel obligated to pretend to be interested.

Jerry:Well, there goes my productivity for the rest of the day.

Elaine:So who did you go out with?

Jerry:Well, it wasn't Rachel, it wasn't Monica, it wasn't Phoebe...

Elaine:Wait, what are you doing?

Jerry:Process of elimination. It wasn't Chandler, it wasn't Ross, it wasn't Joey...

Elaine:Jerry, those are from a different show.

Jerry:I know, but at this point, who can remember?

Jerry:What is that? What happened to your hair?

Elaine:I don't know, I slept on it wrong.

Jerry:It's all flat and weird on one side. You look like a mop. A mop that got into your closet and borrowed some clothes.

Elaine:Well, maybe I'm going goth.

Jerry:Goth?

Elaine:Yeah, all the goths have flat hair.

Jerry:She slept with Puddy?!

Jerry:What are you talking about? You just met this guy!

Elaine:So? We went back to his place.

Jerry:And?

Elaine:And we did it.

Jerry:Just like that?

Elaine:Why not?

Jerry:Because that's not how it works! That's Showtime!

Jerry:You know what I realized? A woman would rather have dinner with a guy than sleep with him. That's backwards! If I'm choosing between the two, I'm taking the sex every time. But women, they're like, 'Well, he took me to dinner, so now I have to sleep with him.' No! It should be the opposite. You sleep with a guy, then maybe, *maybe* you grab a bite to eat.

Kramer:I invented the down payment.

George:Hey, how's everybody doing today?

Coworker 1:Fine.

George:Good, good. Anyone do anything interesting this weekend?

Coworker 2:Not really.

George:Yeah, me neither. Well, I went to see a movie...

Coworker 1:That's nice.

George:It was pretty good. You should check it out.

Coworker 2:Maybe.

George:I'm telling you, it's really worth your time. I think you'd really enjoy it.

Coworker 1:Look, we're busy, okay?

George:Oh, I'm just making conversation...

Coworker 2:Well, don't. We don't want to talk to you.

George:What? Why not?

Coworker 1:Because you're annoying!

Coworker 2:Yeah, just leave us alone!

Kramer:I got an intern now. They're sending me interns from NYU.

Jerry:Wait, you have interns? What do they intern at?

Kramer:Well, I got 'em doing some light filing, answering phones, getting coffee...

Jerry:Kramer, you don't have a business.

Kramer:Well, not officially. But NYU thinks I do.

Kramer:I'm telling you, I'm giving these kids real-world experience.

Jerry:Kramer, you're not giving them real-world experience. You're giving them *your* world experience. And that's not a world, that's a pathology.

Jerry:Wait, so you're telling me you'd have a giant bladder system in your apartment that stores oil?

Kramer:Exactly! Think about it - you'd never run out, and you could sell the excess.

Jerry:You know what? That's... that's actually not a terrible idea.

George:I'm like a weed in Hitler's bunker.

Jerry:What?

George:I don't belong there. Nobody wants me around. I'm gonna get exterminated.

Jerry:That's a horrible thing to say.

George:Well, that's how I feel!

George:It's like when Hitler came to power, people didn't think he was so bad at first...

Jerry:George, why are we doing Hitler analogies right now?

Intern:Good morning, Mr. Kramer. I'm calling to schedule your lunch appointment.

Kramer:Yeah, yeah, just tell them I'll be at Monk's at noon like always.

Intern:Very good, sir. I'll have that confirmed in writing and send you a meeting agenda.

Kramer:It's a coffee shop, not a board meeting!

Jerry:Yes, well thank you for calling. I'm actually in my office right now, so I can talk.

Jerry:Yes, I have a very strict office policy. No interruptions during business hours.

Elaine:I'm done. That's it. I'm never seeing him again. I mean it this time. I'm serious. This is the last time. No more. It's over.

Elaine:I'm not going to call him. He should call me. I mean, why should I always be the one calling? He knows I like him. The ball is in his court.

Elaine:Besides, I'm busy. I have things to do. Important things.

Elaine:Although... maybe he's waiting for me to call. You know, to make the first move. That could be it.

Elaine:I mean, what's so bad about calling? It's just a call. People call people all the time. It doesn't mean anything.

Elaine:Okay, I'm calling him.

George:So I'm thinking, what if I just tell her she's got a nice... you know, and see what happens.

Kramer:That's sexual harassment, George!

George:Exactly! So then I escalate. I tell her she'd look better if she lost some weight.

Kramer:Now that's just mean.

George:Wait, there's more. Then I start following her to her car in the parking lot.

Kramer:George, that's stalking! That's a crime!

George:So what? I'm committed now. I show up at her apartment building at midnight.

Kramer:You're going to jail!

Kramer:You know, George, you can eat more than any guy I know.

George:I can not!

Kramer:Yeah, you can. You're like a human garbage disposal.

George:That's ridiculous. I have a very refined palate.

Kramer:A refined palate? You once ate a pie that was sitting on a car.

George:That pie was still good!

George Costanza:I don't wash my hands after I use the bathroom.

Darin:That's noted in the report.

George:What? I didn't do anything! That's not even my cup!

George:You're all crazy. I don't know what you're talking about.

Jerry:It's just a voice. It's not about body image. It's just this silly thing your stomach does.

Claire:Oh my God, are you saying my stomach is fat?

Jerry:I'm doing this thing where I talk from my belly. It's like a character.

George:What are you doing?

Jerry:It's my belly. It talks.

George:Your belly talks?

Jerry:Yeah, like Ally McBeal's dancing baby, but it's my stomach.

George:It's not about the belly, it's about the voice!

Jerry:George, it's a belly voice.

George:No, no, it's a character! It's a sophisticated character!

Jerry:You're doing fat guy noises.

George:I'm doing a VOICE! It could be anyone! It could be a thin person doing a voice!

Jerry:No one's buying that.

George:It's about the inflection! The comedic timing! It's not about... physical characteristics!

Kramer:You know, when I was an intern, I made plenty of mistakes. The key is to learn from them.

Kramer:But I gotta tell you, a muffin is a muffin. Top, bottom, it's all muffin.

Puddy:See, the thing is, we don't have to do all that work. You know, the talking, the sharing of feelings.

Elaine:That's not work, that's a relationship.

Puddy:Exactly. So we skip all that.

Elaine:But Puddy, you have to do those things.

Puddy:Why? I'm not interested in that. We either like each other or we don't.

Elaine:If we're going to get back together, things are going to be different this time. I'm in charge.

Puddy:Okay.

Elaine:I mean it. No more of your nonsense. We do things my way.

Puddy:Whatever you want.

Elaine:Good. So first thing—you're going to come over tomorrow night and we're going to cook dinner together.

Puddy:Cook dinner?

Elaine:Yes. And then we'll eat, and talk about our feelings.

Puddy:Talk about our feelings?

George:Yeah, hi, it's George Costanza. I'm here. I'm working.

George:No, I'm definitely in the office right now.

Dean:This is the most pathetic thing I've ever seen. You call this a business plan? It's nothing but a half-baked scheme with no feasibility study, no market analysis, and no realistic projections.

Kramer:Well, the idea is sound. We're going to harness the sun's energy and—

Dean:Harness the sun? You don't even have electricity in your apartment. You're operating a business out of a closet with a lightbulb and a dream. This isn't entrepreneurship, it's delusion.

Kramer:I have a business. It's legitimate.

Jerry:What business? You don't have a business.

Kramer:Yes, I do. I'm in the bro business.

Kramer:I'm reading Proust now. The man is a genius, a true artist of the human condition.

Dean Jones:Yeah, well, I saw you trying to return a book to Barnes & Noble yesterday because you thought it was 'too wordy.'

Jerry:So let me get this straight. You're giving me an ultimatum? Either I stop doing the belly voice, or we're done?

Claire:That's right.

Jerry:I don't know... that's a tough one. I mean, the belly voice brings me a lot of joy.

George:Wait, you broke up with her? Why?

Jerry:She wouldn't do the voice.

George:What voice?

Jerry:The voice. You know, 'Giddy-up!'

Jerry:I'm gonna use this voice.

Jerry:Hey there, how ya doin'?

George:Oh no.

George:That's the voice? You're gonna use that voice?

Jerry:What's wrong with it?

George:It's a little... I don't know, it's like... Hey there, how ya doin'?

Jerry:So you think Elaine and Puddy are going to stay together?

George:They're perfect for each other. They're both miserable.

Jerry:That's not a relationship, that's a support group.

George:No, it's kismet. They found someone just as unhappy as they are.

Kramer:Oh no, I'm late!

Newman:Where have you been? I've been waiting at the zoo for five hours!

Kramer:The zoo? Newman, I said I'd meet you at the deli!

Newman:Well, somebody said zoo! And I thought, 'That sounds like something Kramer would do.'

Kramer:That's not a voice, Jerry. That voice is dead. It's been dead for ten years.

Kramer:Yeah, well, it's not a bad idea. But you know what the problem is? Nobody cares about the environment anymore.

Darin:What do you mean nobody cares? This is a major environmental crisis!

Kramer:Eh, people got other things on their mind. Bills, relationships, what's for dinner...

George:You can't take away my bathroom! That's the only thing I have!

Mr. Pitt:I'm afraid we're going to have to open it up to families now.

George:Families? FAMILIES?! Do you know what families do in bathrooms? They linger! They congregate! They compare notes!

George:You know, I've been thinking about this bathroom thing.

George:It starts small. You ask to use the bathroom. No big deal.

George:But then it escalates. They deny you. You ask again. They deny you again.

George:Pretty soon they're threatening you with hellfire and damnation if you don't stop asking.

George:It's like, 'George, if you ask one more time, you're going straight to hell.'

George:What is that?

Kramer:Oil. I'm gonna make a salad.

George:You're gonna make a salad with a drum of oil?

Kramer:Yeah, I got a great dressing recipe.

George:Kramer, that's a 55-gallon drum!

Kramer:So? I like a lot of dressing.

George:I'm gonna go back in there and tell him exactly what I think of him. I'm gonna march right in there and say, 'Mr. Steinbrenner, you are a despicable man, and I have no respect for you whatsoever!'

George:And then I'm gonna take this mud from the parking lot and I'm gonna rub it all over his office.

George:That'll teach him to be dirty to me. I'll show him dirty. Dirty!

Elaine:We broke up again.

Jerry:Again? What happened this time?

Elaine:I don't know, we just... we break up, we get back together, we break up again.

Jerry:So what's different about this time?

Elaine:Nothing. That's the point.

Elaine:We need to talk. This isn't working anymore. I think we should see other people.

Puddy:Okay.

Elaine:So... can I borrow a hundred dollars?

Jerry:I'm telling you, this oil ball thing is gonna work.

Kramer:Jerry, you're gonna get sued.

Jerry:Sued? For what?

Kramer:I don't know, but you will be.

Kramer:Yeah, I got a solution for you. My friend Bob Sacamano, he knows a guy who can fix your bladder.

Jerry:Fix my bladder? What do you mean fix my bladder?

Kramer:He does illegal bladder work. No questions asked.

Jerry:Illegal bladder work?

Kramer:Yeah, he's very good. Very reasonable.

Jerry:No no no, Claire, you don't understand. You can't go in there.

Jerry:There's a man... a man with a big belly... and he's very dangerous.

Jerry:Hello. I am the belly. I will hurt you.

Kramer:Yeah, well, the thing about an oil bladder is, it's gonna rupture.

Jerry:So what happened with that intern?

Kramer:Well, let's just say there were some serious criminal consequences.

Jerry:Criminal consequences? For an intern?

Kramer:Yeah, I may have done some things that weren't entirely... legal.

Stomach Voice:Oh no, not again. What is this? What am I looking at here? Oil? You covered yourself in oil? What are you doing, taking a bath in a deep fryer?

Stomach Voice:I can't work like this. I'm slipping around in here like I'm on an ice rink. Do you have any idea what you're putting me through?

Elaine:I love you.

Puddy:Yeah, I know. I'm breaking up with you.

Jerry:Oh, I had twenty bucks says you were gonna last till Thursday.