The Serenity Now

George:There's no legroom in this car. My knees are up to my chest.

Frank:You gotta throw your body weight back into the seat.

George:Throw my body weight? I'm not trying to start a fire, I'm trying to sit down.

Frank:No, no, you gotta use the momentum. Shift your pelvis forward, then snap it back hard against the seat. The force redistributes your mass.

Estelle:Frank, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Frank:It works! I read about it in a pamphlet.

George:Why don't you just sit sideways for five blocks?

Frank:Sideways?! What am I, a sideshow? You want me to sit like some kind of circus freak? I'm a human being! I have dignity! This is how they treat animals at the zoo!

Frank:Why do I have to sit sideways? I don't sit sideways!

Frank:SERENITY NOW!

George:Why would you deliver it like that?

Frank:The tape didn't say anything about volume.

Jerry:What about those Knicks tickets?

Patty:Oh, I gave them to my mother.

Jerry:You gave them away? Those were great seats!

Patty:She loves basketball.

Jerry:Whatever it is, I'm sure it'll be fine.

Patty:I want to see you really mad.

Jerry:I'm angry!

Patty:Mad.

Jerry:I'm very angry!

Patty:Mad.

Jerry:I'm quite perturbed!

Patty:Mad.

Jerry:I'm somewhat miffed!

Patty:Mad.

Jerry:I'm a bit cross!

George:Why do you care what she thinks?

Jerry:Because she's a woman and I'm a man.

George:You don't yell. You're not a yeller. I've known you for fifteen years, I've never heard you yell. You're a mumbler. You mumble and you make those hand gestures.

Jerry:You want to see me angry? I'll show you angry.

Jerry:I'm VERY upset about this! This is TERRIBLE! Why would you DO this?!

Jerry:See? That's anger. Real, genuine anger.

Kramer:That's gold, Jerry! Gold!

George:I need help with my screen door in Queens.

Elaine:Queens? That's the country!

Jerry:It's not the country, Elaine. It's Queens.

Elaine:Well, it might as well be. I'm not going out there.

Jerry:If I save money on the catering, I can get better gifts.

Elaine:Jerry, gifts can't get any cheaper.

Frank:This door has been with us for twenty years. We can't just throw it out.

Kramer:Frank, it's a screen door. It's falling apart.

Frank:I know, but... we've had some good times with this door.

Kramer:It's time to let it go.

Frank:Maybe we should call a priest.

George:Dad, where did you get the idea to sell computers?

Frank:There was this movie, very provocative. Sandra Bullock was in it.

George:Sandra Bullock? Which movie?

Frank:I can't remember her name.

George:So what's your secret weapon against Microsoft and Apple?

Frank:You.

George:Me? I don't know anything about computers!

Frank:Exactly. They won't know what hit 'em.

Jerry:I ordered nonfat milk and they gave me cream. That's not one percent off, that's like... that's 99 percent more milk than I wanted. I'm not lactose intolerant, I'm lactose overwhelmed.

Patty:You never show your emotions, Jerry. You're always so detached.

Jerry:What do you want from me? I show emotions.

Patty:When? Name one time you've shown a genuine emotion.

Jerry:I get upset. I get angry. I laugh at things.

Patty:Those don't count. I'm talking about real, deep emotions. Fear, vulnerability, love.

Jerry:Well, I would, but I'd have to actually feel them first.

Jerry:You're a liar!

Patty:You're a liar!

Jerry:You're a liar!

Patty:You're a liar!

Jerry:You're a liar!

Jerry:You know what? You're right. I've been thinking about this all wrong.

Patty:Really?

Jerry:Yeah, I mean, when you think about it, you make a valid point.

Patty:I'm so glad we could talk about this.

Jerry:Me too. This was good. We really communicated.

Adam:I am now a man.

Lippman:My son Adam, he's very mature for his age. He's thirteen, and he's already talking about his experiences with women.

Elaine:That's... that's great.

Lippman:Yeah, he tells all his friends about it. They think he's very experienced.

Elaine:Hmm.

Jerry:I got upgraded to first class.

George:What?

Jerry:Yeah, I'm sitting in first class now.

George:How'd you get upgraded?

Jerry:I don't know, they just came up and told me. Apparently there was some mix-up with my reservation.

George:A mix-up? That's fantastic!

Jerry:Yeah, well, the flight attendant made it seem like I had personally offended her entire family. Like I was responsible for the Holocaust or something.

Jerry:You and your father working together? That's like a tag team wrestling match where both guys are trying to pin each other.

Kramer:Well, you know, a lot of people come up to my apartment. I like to have that fresh air flowing through, but I don't want any bugs.

Kramer:So a screen door, it's like a beautiful thing. It's functional, it's practical, but it's also got a certain... je ne sais quoi.

Kramer:You stand there, you feel that breeze, you see the world go by, but you're protected. It's the best of both worlds, really.

Frank:You're late. Sign in on the clipboard. We have procedures here.

George:Frank, it's a garage.

Frank:It's a BUSINESS, George. Now put on your safety goggles and fill out form 27-B in triplicate.

George:For what?

Frank:Bathroom breaks. I need to maintain productivity metrics.

George:I'm not Lloyd Braun! Why does everyone keep saying that?

Frank:I didn't check his medical history. How should I know?

Frank:Lloyd, that's fantastic! You're a natural salesman!

George:What about me? I've been working here too.

Frank:You? You're doing terrible. Lloyd's got the touch. You don't have it.

Adam:I'm a bar mitzvah, so I'm a man now. I can do whatever I want.

Elaine:Yeah, well, most of the men I know aren't really men either.

George Costanza:I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm telling you, I'm not a man anymore. I'm not a man.

George Costanza:You know what it is? It's the gifts. The gifts! My parents gave me Boggle. Boggle! For my birthday!

George Costanza:That's it. I'm done. I'm renouncing Judaism. That's all there is to it.

Frank:We're having a sales contest at the office. The winner gets a prize.

Estelle:What kind of prize?

Frank:I don't know yet. We're taking donations.

Estelle:You're not giving away our Waterpik!

Frank:Estelle, it's just a Waterpik.

Estelle:Just a Waterpik? Frank, do you know how much we spent on that Waterpik? And it's brand new!

George:That's it! I'm quitting!

Frank:You know, when George was a kid, he said the same thing. Every time he didn't get his way. 'I'm quitting!' So I said to him, 'George, you can't quit life.' He said, 'Why not?' I said, 'Because you're already losing!'

George:I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna walk over there and I'm gonna tell her how I feel.

Frank:You're crazy. You know that?

George:No, I'm not crazy. I'm just a guy who's had enough. I'm sick of being a short, bald man. I'm going over there.

Frank:She's not gonna like you.

George:You know what? I don't care. I got nothing to lose.

George:So I'm sitting in the coffee shop, and the guy says to me, 'I'm not interested.' And I say, 'You know what? That's fair. I completely understand. These things aren't for everybody.' And he goes, 'Well, maybe you should try someone else.' I go, 'Yeah, you're probably right. Thanks for your time.'

Jerry:You just... gave up?

George:What do you want from me? The man said no!

Elaine:You know what makes a man? A man is somebody who has a job, he has a home, he has a car, he has a family. These are the things that make a man.

Mr. Lippman:Well, I have all those things.

Elaine:Yeah, well... for now.

Jerry:What did you do to my apartment?

Kramer:I'm creating a little slice of Americana. You know, the way things used to be.

Jerry:Kramer, this looks like a 1950s diner exploded in here.

Kramer:That's the beauty of it, Jerry. It's authentic. I even got the original vinyl on the jukebox.

Kramer:Hey, Jerry, come on over here. I want you to meet my neighbors.

Jerry:Your neighbors? Kramer, you live in an apartment.

Kramer:I know, but I've created a whole suburban fantasy here. This is Bob, and this is his wife Carol.

Jerry:Hi Bob. Hi Carol. So, uh, how about those... lawns?

Kramer:See? He's a natural!

Jerry:You know what? I don't want frozen yogurt. I want ice cream. Real ice cream.

Patty:But you said you wanted to watch your sugar intake.

Jerry:I don't care! I'm getting ice cream, and if you don't like it, that's too bad!

Patty:Why are you yelling at me about dessert?

Jerry:Because I'm angry, Patty! I'm angry about everything!

Patty:Maybe I should leave.

Jerry:No, no, no. You can't just leave like that. We need a proper goodbye. A real goodbye.

Patty:What do you mean?

Jerry:I mean, you gotta do it right. One goodbye is never enough. We need a double goodbye.

Patty:A double goodbye?

Jerry:Yeah, you say goodbye, then you leave, then you come back for one more goodbye. That's a double goodbye.

Jerry:Well, hello there, neighbor. Beautiful day, isn't it? Mighty fine weather we're having. Yes sir, yes sir.

Jerry:So this is what tears are? Just liquid coming out of my eyes? How inefficient.

Jerry:Wait... am I having feelings? Oh no. Oh no no no. This is terrible. I'm like everyone else now.

Elaine:You know, it's like Pandora's Box. Once you open it up, all these emotions come pouring out and you can't stop them.

Jerry:It's Pandora's Box.

Elaine:That's what I said - Pandora's Box.

Jerry:No, you said Pandora's Box.

Elaine:I know what I said. Pandora's Box. The box of Pandora.

Kramer:These kids today, they're running wild in the neighborhood. I'm taking back my street.

Kramer:I see a ball in my yard, it's confiscated. A bicycle on my lawn? Gone.

Kramer:We've got hall urchins now. Little street orphans roaming the hallways.

Kramer:I'm like the toy warden. I've got a whole storage locker filled with their stuff.

George:It's got everything - great processor, tons of memory, and it connects to the internet. It's a compunter!

Jerry:A compunter?

George:Computer. Internet. Compunter.

Jerry:I love you, man. I really do.

George:Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?

Kramer:All right, so when I give the signal, you spray 'em.

George:What's the signal?

Kramer:Hoochie mama!

Kramer:George! GEORGE! Turn on the water!

Kramer:GIDDY UP! GIDDY UP! GIDDY UP!

Jerry:You know what it is? You have that thing... that thing that Jewish men find irresistible.

Elaine:What thing?

Jerry:The thing. You know - the shiksa appeal. It's like a, it's like a disease with Jewish men. We see a woman who's not Jewish and we completely lose our minds.

Elaine:That's not true.

Jerry:Are you kidding? It's a documented fact. My mother thinks you're going to corrupt me.

Elaine:You only like me because I'm not Jewish.

Mr. Lippman:That's not true! I renounce my religion!

Elaine:What?

Mr. Lippman:I'm no longer Jewish. There, are you happy now?

Jerry:You know, I've been doing that thing you told me about. You know, the thing where you just let it all go, and—

Frank:Serenity now!

Jerry:Yeah, that's it. So I'm at the coffee shop, and this guy cuts in front of me in line, and I just look at him and go, SERENITY NOW!

Frank:That's the way to do it.

Jerry:Then the cashier gives me the wrong order, SERENITY NOW! Someone bumps into me on the street, SERENITY NOW!

Frank:You're doing great, Jerry.

Jerry:I got thrown out of the dry cleaners.

Elaine:You're doing that thing again.

Jerry:What thing?

Elaine:That gentle sobbing thing you do.

Jerry:I'm not sobbing!

Elaine:Jerry, it's very gentle, very controlled, but it's definitely sobbing.

Jerry:You know, I've been thinking about the nature of existence, the infinite cosmos, and what it all means—

Jerry:Wait, is that a banana in my fruit bowl?

Jerry:I mean, the universe is vast and unknowable, full of mystery and wonder beyond our comprehension—

Jerry:But seriously, how long before that banana goes bad? Tomorrow? Tonight?

Jerry:You know what? I've been thinking about my life, and I realize I need to make a real commitment. I need to grow up.

Elaine:That's great, Jerry. What are you going to do?

Jerry:I'm going to propose to you.

Elaine:What?!

Jerry:Yeah, I'm going to propose. We'll get married, buy a house in the suburbs, have some kids...

Elaine:Jerry, have you lost your mind?

Jerry:What? No! I'm serious! We'll be happy.

Elaine:We broke up!

Jerry:So? We can get back together. And then break up again. But this time, we'll be married when we do it.

George:Hello, this is George Foreman with Vandelay Industries. Yes, we're very busy right now.

George:We're in the business of importing and exporting. Plastics, primarily.

George:Well, we could ship it to you next week, but we're swamped right now with orders from the Soviets.

Lloyd:You know, I tried that serenity now thing.

Lloyd:It worked great for a while. Then one day I'm on the highway, some guy cuts me off, I honk the horn, and I just snap. I'm pounding on the steering wheel, screaming like an animal.

Lloyd:That's when I knew I had a problem.

Lloyd Braun:You can't just willy-nilly squirt it out. You got to time it. You got to have finesse.

Lloyd Braun:One little thing goes wrong, you could have some big problems.

Lloyd Braun:A man, a woman, they could get together and make a baby, and it would be the greatest thing in the world. But you do it wrong, you get a little squirt, next thing you know, you're on a list.

Jerry:You know what, Kramer? You're a jerk!

Kramer:Oh yeah? Well you're a... a jerk too!

Jerry:SERENITY NOW!

Jerry:I've really grown emotionally. I can now cry at things that don't directly affect me. Like if a nice restaurant goes out of business, I'm devastated. But if my best friend moves to another country? I'm like, 'Hey, more soup for me.'

Rabbi:You know, Elaine, a shiksa has a certain appeal. It's like when a man sees a sasquatch. He doesn't really want a sasquatch. But he wants to see a sasquatch.

Rabbi:I'm telling you, there is no such thing as shiksa appeal. It's a myth.

Elaine:Oh really?

Rabbi:Yes, really. Non-Jewish women have no special attraction whatsoever.

Elaine:Uh-huh.

Rabbi:So don't flatter yourself. You're just a regular woman to me.

Rabbi:Although... that hair... and those eyes... you know what, maybe we could get a drink sometime?

Jerry:I'm like a bad person. I'm selfish, I'm a liar, I'm a coward, I'm a pervert. I'm a bad friend, I'm a terrible son. I'm a bad, bad person.

Jerry:I'm going to propose to her. I'm in love. I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

Elaine:Jerry, that's wonderful!

Jerry:Yeah, I know. I'm going to do it tonight.

Jerry:Actually, wait. What if she says no? What if she laughs at me? What if I propose and she just walks away? I can't handle that kind of rejection.

Elaine:But you just said—

Jerry:I know what I said. But that was the emotional me talking. This is the rational me. And the rational me knows this is a terrible idea.

Elaine:What's going on with you? You're acting completely different.

Jerry:I know, I know. I've been thinking about it like this: you know when you're at work and you're in a good mood, and then your boss comes in and just ruins your whole day?

Elaine:Yeah?

Jerry:Well, that's me. I'm the boss that ruins everyone's day.

George:I can't believe you just said that to me. After everything we talked about, you're acting like it never happened.

Jerry:What? It didn't happen. We were talking about nothing.

Estelle:It's so wonderful that George and Jerry are close again. It reminds me of when we were young and in love.

Frank:We were never in love. I was drunk.

George:Wait a second. Lloyd Braun won the contest?

Frank:That's right.

George:Lloyd Braun? My Lloyd Braun?

Frank:He's been in the mental institution, George. They let him out. He's been making sales like you wouldn't believe.

George:What? That's impossible. The guy's a lunatic.

Frank:He was in the institution, and now he's out. And he's making sales.

Frank:I need a new approach. The serenity now thing isn't working anymore.

George:Well, why don't you try what Kramer does? You know, just yell out a random phrase.

Frank:What phrase?

George:I don't know... like 'giddy up' or something.

George:You gotta try the Costanza method. It's not just about what you say, it's about how you say it. You need intensity.

Frank:HOOCHIE MAMA!

George:No, no, with more... serenity.

Frank:SERENITY NOW!

George:Okay, now try the other one again.

Frank:HOOCHIE MAMA!