The Chronicle (2)

Jerry:You ever notice in business meetings, everyone's always saying 'sit down'? 'Sit down, let's talk about this.' 'Sit down, we need to discuss the quarterly reports.' 'Sit down, sit down, sit down!' It's like if you don't sit down, the meeting can't happen. Standing up? Meeting's over. You're just ruining it for everyone.

George:Why does everybody always want ketchup? What is ketchup? It's just tomato paste and vinegar. That's it! They take perfectly good food and they ruin it with ketchup!

George:Excuse me, do you have any ketchup? I'm sorry to bother you, but I really need some ketchup.

Stranger:No, I don't have any ketchup.

George:Well, what about mustard? Relish? Anything?

Unknown diner:You can't just share ketchup like that. Once you open a bottle, it starts to oxidize. The flavor profile changes. You're looking at maybe a week, tops, before it turns.

Unknown diner:I've got three bottles going right now on a rotating system. One for cooking, one for fries, one for burgers. You mix them up, you compromise the entire batch.

Jerry:You know what movie you should see?

George:What?

Jerry:Schindler's List.

George:I'm not in the mood to see a serious movie. I don't want to be depressed. I want to see something funny.

Jerry:What about Pulp Fiction?

George:There's a lot of violence. I don't want to see that either.

Jerry:Well, what do you want to see?

George:I don't know. Something with some real boobs in it. Something fun!

Jerry:That's not a movie, that's a Penthouse.

Jerry:You know, George, I've been thinking about your whole nihilistic thing. It all makes sense now.

George:What makes sense?

Jerry:The hygiene. Or lack thereof. You stopped caring about everything, including basic personal grooming.

George:So?

Jerry:So you're not just nihilistic, you're just dirty.

George:I'm tired of being a nobody. Andy Warhol said everyone gets fifteen minutes of fame. Where's mine?

George:I demand my fifteen minutes. I'm calling my agent.

Jerry:At least you have your health.

George:No, I don't.

George:Oh, thank you! Thank you so much for the ketchup. What a generous gesture. I don't know what I would've done without your ketchup. You've changed my life. Truly. I'm a better man because of your ketchup.

Kramer:It's like a sauna out there! A SauNA!

Jerry:You're being so dramatic.

Kramer:Dramatic? I'm melting like Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire!

Jerry:That's not even the right reference.

Jerry:So I'm on the phone, and I realize I've been doing it all wrong. I've been saying 'Bonjour' like some kind of idiot.

Jerry:You know what I should be saying? 'Bonjour, you magnificent, fabulous, spectacular French person!' That's proper cell phone etiquette!

Jerry:You know, there's a whole hierarchy to phone calls. It's like a social structure. At the top, you've got the person calling you. They're in control. They've initiated contact. Then you've got the person receiving the call. They're on defense. They have to respond.

Jerry:And then there's the person who gets put on hold. That's the worst. You're just sitting there, listening to that music, wondering if they're still there. Are they coming back? Did they forget about you?

Jerry:But the real bottom of the barrel? That's the person who gets disconnected. Nobody wants to be that guy. You're just hanging there in phone limbo.

Jerry:You know what the worst part about having a cell phone is? You're never alone. You're always reachable. There's no escape.

Jerry:And people know this. So they call you. All the time. With the most trivial things.

Jerry:It's like, 'Hey, what are you doing?' Nothing. 'Wanna get coffee?' No. 'Why not?' Because I'm trying to avoid you.

Jerry:But you can't say that because then you're a bad person. You're on the list now. The moral failing list.

Jerry:You know, Kramer just walks into my apartment whenever he wants. He doesn't knock, he doesn't call. Last week I'm in the bathroom, and he just barges in!

Kramer:Hey!

Jerry:I said, 'Kramer, there's got to be some kind of... bathroom protocol here. Some sort of... formal agreement about bathroom boundaries.'

Kramer:What do you want, a bathroom treaty?

Kramer:What's the big deal? It's just a bathroom. Why do we need doors and locks?

Jerry:Because Kramer, some things are private. Some things should stay private.

Kramer:Private? What are you, uptight? It's natural. Everyone does it.

Jerry:Yeah, but they do it alone. Behind a closed door. With a lock.

Kramer:So what, I'll just leave the door open. No big whoop.

Jerry:No big whoop? Kramer, I don't want to see you on the toilet!

Kramer:Why not? I'll leave the door open, you can walk by, say hello...

Jerry:Say hello? I'm not saying hello to you while you're sitting on the toilet!

Kramer:We could have conversations. 'Hey, what's for dinner?' 'I don't know, I'm going number two.'

George:They're picking up the show! They're picking up the show!

George:Wait, do I look okay? Should I get my hair cut?

George:You know, I haven't worn a sports jacket in years. I'm worried people think I'm a slob.

Jerry:George, people don't think you're a slob because of your jacket. They think you're a slob because of everything else.

George:I'm not upset. I'm not upset at all. You know, it's a good idea. It's a good idea. I like it. What's not to like? It's funny. It's clever. But here's what I'm thinking - and I'm not saying this is a problem, I'm just saying it - what if nobody watches it? What if it's not popular? What if it bombs? But that's okay! That's fine! Because it doesn't matter! Nothing matters! But it does matter! It matters a lot! Because this could be big. This could be really big. And I'm ready. I'm ready for this. Are you ready? Because I'm ready.

George:You know, I'm very good at spelling. I won the spelling bee in the third grade.

Kimbrough:That's nice.

George:Yeah, I can spell anything. Anything you want me to spell, I can spell it.

Kimbrough:Uh, okay...

George:Go ahead, test me. Any word.

Kimbrough:Well... how about 'coffee'?

George:C-O-F-F-E-E. Coffee.

Kimbrough:Very good.

George:See? I told you. I'm an excellent speller. This could be very valuable to your network.

George:Pineapple? Why would I want a pineapple?

Jerry:It's fresh, it's tropical...

George:I'm not eating anything with a spiky exterior. That's a weapon. That's not food, that's a medieval torture device.

Executive:You know, shows like yours really get people talking around the water cooler.

George:Well, technically, most offices have moved to bottled water dispensers. The water cooler is becoming obsolete. So the phrase 'water cooler talk' is increasingly anachronistic.

Jerry:You know, if you keep this up, I'm going to have to hurt you.

George:What are you talking about?

Jerry:I'm serious. I'm going to have to physically hurt you.

Jerry:So you hung up on her? That's a violation. You can't just hang up on someone.

Elaine:She hung up on me first!

Jerry:That doesn't matter. Once somebody hangs up on you, you have the right to hang up on them. But you initiated the hang-up.

Elaine:So what are you saying?

Jerry:I'm saying you committed a phone etiquette violation. It's like a foul in basketball. You don't get to just hang up whenever you feel like it.

Frank:She's gotta be at least 6'7".

Jerry:Dad, she's not 6'7".

Frank:Well, what do you think?

Jerry:I don't know, maybe 5'10", 5'11".

Frank:5'10"? She towers over that Gabrielle. Gabrielle's what, 5'2"?

Jerry:Yeah.

Frank:So if Gabrielle's 5'2" and Xena is a foot taller, she's gotta be 6'2".

Estelle:A show? You're going to write a show? What do you know about writing a show?

Estelle:You can't even write a decent thank you note.

Estelle:Nobody's going to want to watch a show about nothing. People want stories. They want drama.

Estelle:You know what you should write about? Your life. All the stupid things you do.

Estelle:But nobody would believe it.

George:It's a show about nothing. We're just gonna talk about stuff.

Estelle:You're going to have a show about nothing? Who's going to watch that?

Kramer:They're breathtaking, these women. I'm calling them 'seabags.'

Kramer:Los Angeles... it's like a beautiful woman with a terrible personality. Sun all day, but your car's stolen by night. Perfect weather, perfect beaches, perfect traffic jams that last three hours. You can see the stars from anywhere in the city, except you can't because of the smog. It's Paradise, Jerry, Paradise... if Paradise had road rage and charging $15 for parking.

Kramer:You know, geishas are very cultured women. They know how to pour tea, they know how to arrange flowers, they know how to entertain a man. But you know what they don't know? They don't know how to parallel park.

Elaine:I'm depressed. What do you want me to do about it? It's spring.

Kramer:Switzerland? What about the hills? I'm not a big hill guy.

Kramer:I'm worried about walking uphill. My legs are getting tired.

Jerry:Why don't you just turn around and walk backwards? Then you'd be walking downhill.

Kramer:...That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Jerry:Hey, gravity doesn't care which direction you're facing.

Elaine:I'm calling from the plane!

Jerry:You're calling from the plane? What did you say to them?

Elaine:I told them I was calling from the plane.

Jerry:And they just let you do it?

Elaine:Well, I asked first.

Jerry:You asked? What, you raised your hand in the aisle? 'Excuse me, stewardess, can I make a phone call?'

Elaine:I was polite about it!

Jerry:Polite? That's not the issue. The issue is you're calling from a plane. That's a whole new level of inconsiderate. You've taken rudeness to the stratosphere. Literally.

Newman:I want to go to Paris.

Jerry:Paris? What for?

Newman:My cousin lives there. He's very sick. I haven't seen him in years. I need to say goodbye before it's too late.

Jerry:That's terrible. I'm sorry to hear that.

Newman:Yeah, it's been eating me up inside. The doctors say he doesn't have much time left.

Newman:You refuse to take me to Paris? Fine. FINE! But mark my words, Jerry - one day you'll be sorry. One day you'll wake up and realize what you've lost. And I'll be there... in Paris... eating croissants... living my best life... and you'll have nothing but regret and emptiness!

George:What is this, a toy plane? I've seen better aircraft in a cereal box. You know who has a real jet? Jay Leno. That guy probably has a fleet.

George:I'm out there Jerry and I'm loving every minute of it!

George:These pretzels are making me thirsty.

George:It's not a lie if you believe it.

George:We're not just doing it for the money... we're doing it for a woman.

George:I'm out, baby! I'm out!

Jerry:So let me get this straight. George cheated, he got disqualified, and I won the contest by default?

Jerry:I'm a contest winner.

Carjacker:You know, I'm gonna take your car, but I gotta tell you something — you're not gonna be able to chase me.

Jerry:You know, there's a silver lining to this robbery.

Jerry:At least now I have a good story to tell people.

Police Officer:You're under arrest for not helping that old lady cross the street.

George:What? That's not a law!

Police Officer:It is now. The 'Good Samaritan' law has been reversed. You're required to help anyone in need or face criminal charges.

Jerry:So basically you're arresting people for being indifferent?

Police Officer:That's correct. Indifference is now a misdemeanor.

George:Why should we help? That's what the Good Samaritan law is all about.

Jerry:The Good Samaritan law protects you if you help someone.

George:Exactly. It protects you. So you don't have to help.

Jerry:That's not what it means.

George:Well, if I help and I'm protected, I don't have to help. So I'm not gonna help.

Jackie Chiles:This is outrageous, egregious, preposterous!

George:You know, I've been in this cell for three weeks. Three weeks! And you know what they serve with the meatloaf? Nothing. No ketchup. No condiments of any kind. I ask the guard, 'Where's the ketchup?' He looks at me like I'm crazy. I'm in prison and I'm worried about ketchup. But that's the thing - even in here, even locked away from society, I still can't get a decent meal. The system has failed me.

Jerry:We could have helped him.

George:We could have helped him AND watched the crime.

Jerry:Yeah, we could have called the police, given a description of the guy, and then we could have gone down to the precinct, helped him identify the guy in a lineup.

George:Then we could have gone to the trial, testified against him, and then maybe we could have gone to dinner.