The Chronicle (1)

Jerry:Nine years is a long time.

George:It is.

Jerry:We've packed nine years of experiences into this show. But you know what? If you add up all the hiatuses, we've actually only been on the air for like three weeks.

George:You ever notice how you can feel a haircut you didn't get? Like, you know your hair's been cut, but there's this phantom sensation where the barber didn't even touch you? It's like your head knows something happened that didn't actually happen.

George:I'm thirty-six years old. I live with my parents. I have never been married. I'm a short, stocky, slow-witted man with no money, no prospects, no future and no past. I'm the loser of all losers. I'm really quite pathetic.

George:I was in the pool! I was in the pool!

Jerry:When did you start smoking?

Kramer:Oh, I've always been a big smoker.

Jerry:You have?

Kramer:Yeah, I'm a big smoker. I smoke big.

Kramer:I'm telling you, Jerry, I have this incredible ability. I can sense what people are feeling.

Jerry:Oh really? What am I feeling right now?

Kramer:You're... skeptical.

Jerry:Wow, amazing. I'm also feeling a slight breeze and a vague sense of regret about my cereal choice this morning.

Mrs. Enright:George, what is it that you want out of life?

George:You know, that's a good question. I mean, what do any of us want? I think... I think I want to be happy. I want to find meaning. I want to—

Mrs. Enright:Yes, yes, but specifically, George. What drives you?

George:Well, I'll tell you what drives me. Pastrami. A good pastrami sandwich. That's it. That's what gets me out of bed in the morning.

George:We're like a group of guys, you know? Every group has got to have somebody that everybody dumps on.

Jerry:That's true.

George:Well, Elaine is our girl.

Elaine:You're bald!

George:I'm not bald. I'm balding. There's a difference. Bald is something I am. Balding is something I'm doing.

George:Hey, hey, hey! What is this? You two are fighting over me? I'm flattered, I really am. But let's be rational here. You both bring something special to the table. She's got looks, you've got... well, you've got a job. It could work. We could make this a triangle. A love triangle.

Jerry:A fantasy camp? That's what you need, Kramer? Your whole life is a fantasy. You walk around like you're in your own movie.

Kramer:What are you talking about?

Jerry:You show up at people's apartments at any hour, you help yourself to their food, you make yourself at home in their lives. You're living out every fantasy a person could have.

Kramer:I'm just being spontaneous.

Jerry:You're not spontaneous, you're delusional. And the amazing thing is everyone just goes along with it. You should be charging admission. 'Come see Kramer's Fantasy Camp: no deposit, no return, and your apartment will never be the same.'

Jerry:So what, you just go without?

Kramer:It's the only way to fly.

Jerry:You're not worried about... chafing?

Kramer:You get used to it.

Jerry:Oh my God. Kramer, you've been sitting on my furniture this whole time?

Kramer:I don't wear underwear anymore.

Kramer:It's the most liberating thing I've ever done. My boys are flying free, Jerry! Free!

Jerry:I'm not a racist. But I do have a problem with dentists.

Kramer:You're an anti-dentite!

Jerry:I am not an anti-dentite. I don't hate dentists. I'm just suspicious of them.

Kramer:You're a rabid anti-dentite! You're like a freaking Nazi!

Tim Whatley:I'm like you, Jerry. I'm successful.

Jerry:You're nothing like me.

Tim Whatley:Why not?

Jerry:Because I'm successful.

Telemarketer:I'm not able to give out that information.

Jerry:Why not? You call me at home, I should be able to call you at home. What's the difference?

Telemarketer:Well, we don't give out personal information.

Jerry:But you have mine! You have my home number, you have my name. How is that not personal information?

Telemarketer:That's just how our policy works.

Jerry:So it's okay for you to call me whenever you want, but I can't call you back? That's not fair. Either give me the number or stop calling me.

George:I can't take it anymore! I haven't slept in three days. Just kill me now. Put me out of my misery. I'm begging you!

Jerry:So what percentage of people do you think are actually attractive?

George:Attractive? Maybe 20 percent.

Jerry:20 percent? I'd say it's more like 4 percent.

George:4 percent?

Jerry:Yeah. And half of those are crazy.

Jerry:You ever notice how at the DMV, nobody looks attractive? I mean, nobody. It's like they specifically designed the lighting and the waiting process to make everyone look as unattractive as possible. You could have a supermodel in there and by the time she gets to window three, she looks like she just survived a plane crash. It's not just bad lighting—it's like the DMV is scientific proof that attractiveness doesn't actually exist. It's all just circumstance and good timing.

George:Jerry, how do you date someone when you're not attractive?

Jerry:Well, you lower your standards and lie a lot.

Elaine:You know, I've been thinking about us, and I realized something. In every relationship, there's always one person who loves more than the other. One person who cares just a little bit less. And you know what? That person has all the power.

Jerry:So what are you saying?

Elaine:I'm saying... I'm breaking up with you. So I have the power.

Jerry:But we're not even dating!

Elaine:Exactly. Which means you always cared more. I win.

George:I gave her money. She said 'Is that all?' I said 'What do you mean, is that all? That's all the money I have!' She said 'No, I mean is that all you want?' I said 'Oh.' That was embarrassing.

Kramer:So what's the story? We're a couple now?

Elaine:Well, we have to be if we're going to pull this off.

Kramer:Alright, alright. So how long have we been together?

Elaine:I don't know, a few months.

Kramer:A few months? What's my job?

Elaine:You're a businessman.

Kramer:A businessman. And where do I work?

Elaine:Manhattan.

Kramer:Manhattan. That's good. Now, what kind of things do I like to do?

Elaine:I don't know. You go to movies, you read...

Kramer:I read? What do I read?

Elaine:Psychiatric journals.

Kramer:Psychiatric journals? Why would I read psychiatric journals?

Elaine:Because you're interested in psychiatry.

Kramer:Well, of course I'm interested in psychiatry. I'm dating a psychiatrist!

Elaine:The frequency is 98.7 FM.

Kramer:98.7? That's the temperature of my body right now.

George:It's not you, it's me. I'm not ready for this kind of relationship.

Susan:George, you were like a little man down there.

Elaine:So you're telling me you need to do a 'sponge-worthiness' test on me?

Billy:It's not just about you. I have to know if you're sponge-worthy.

Elaine:Sponge-worthy? What does that even mean?

Billy:It means... are you worth using my last sponge on?

Jerry:You know what it's like when you say 'I love you' and they don't say it back? It's like you're holding a matzo ball and someone just... drops it.

George:So how many times have you actually been in love?

Jerry:Real love? Maybe twice. But I did declare my love to a dog once.

George:A dog?

Jerry:It was a golden retriever. Beautiful eyes. I thought we had something special.

Kramer:You know, there's a way to tell if a woman is really your girlfriend.

Jerry:What?

Kramer:You go to her apartment, you look in her medicine cabinet. If there's a box of Tampax, she's your girlfriend.

Jerry:That's your criteria?

Kramer:That's the definitive test.

George:She's been working so hard, she's exhausted. She comes home, she just collapses on the couch.

Jerry:Yada yada yada?

George:No! She's actually tired!

Jerry:You skipped the best part! That was the whole reason to watch!

Elaine:What are you talking about? I saw the whole thing.

Jerry:No, you didn't! You missed it!

Elaine:I was there the whole time!

Jerry:The best part was when they revealed who did it!

Elaine:Oh, I thought you meant the credits.

Jerry:Make-up sex is supposed to be the best sex.

Kramer:It's like a prison conjugal visit.

Jerry:What?

Kramer:You haven't seen each other in a while, the guards are watching, you got 20 minutes — you're not gonna waste time with a lot of foreplay.

George:There's George Eastman, the Kodak guy. There's George Foreman, the boxer. There's George Washington, the president. And then there's me—George Costanza, the guy who lies about his life to impress women he'll never see again.

George:A house divided against itself cannot stand. Lincoln said that. You know what my problem is? I'm a house divided against itself. One part of me wants to date this woman, the other part wants to date that woman. I'm at war with myself!

Jerry:So what you're saying is you're emancipating yourself?

George:Exactly! I'm like the Union and the Confederacy, except both sides are me, and both sides are losing.

Jerry:She had man hands.

Jerry:There's something about hatred that I find irresistible. It's like the ultimate challenge. Someone hates you, and you think, 'Well, I can change that.' But you can't. They just keep hating you. And that makes you want them even more.

Mr. Ross:I don't understand. A rooster and a hen - what's their relationship?

Mr. Ross:Are they married? Are they just... dating? Because the rooster seems very aggressive about the whole thing.

Mr. Ross:And another thing - why does the hen keep running away? If they're in a committed relationship, shouldn't she be more... cooperative?

Mr. Ross:A rooster? A rooster will mate with all the hens. He's quite the philanderer.

Jerry:He's a bird, Mr. Ross.

Mr. Ross:I don't care what he is. It's not right.

Jerry:I just want to know what time the movie starts. Why is this so complicated? I press 1 for English, then I need my zip code, then my mother's maiden name... Just tell me what time the movie starts!

Customer:Can I get a bowl of the minestrone?

Soup Nazi:You move to the left. You get your bread and your butter. You move to the left again. You go to the register.

Customer:Wait, I didn't get any soup.

Soup Nazi:No soup for you! Come back, one year!

Boss:Kramer, you're fired!

Kramer:You can't fire me. I don't even work here.

Boss:That's what makes it so hard.

Kenny:Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round, the jar is round, they should call it Roundtine!

Kramer:Yeah! That's gold, Jerry! Gold!

Uncle Leo:You know, I've been married to my wife for many years. And I'll tell you something - the key to a successful relationship is this: you gotta find someone who's willing to put up with your nonsense. And if you can't find that person, well, at least find someone who's too tired to leave.

Jerry:Newman has hidden depths.

Jerry:No, he doesn't.

Kramer:Oh, the humanity! Oh, the humanity!

Jerry:So, did you do it? Did you call her?

George:I'm still in the contest.

Jerry:So you're telling me you don't understand how corporate tax write-offs work, but you're doing them anyway?

Kramer:Well, yeah. I mean, I don't understand how a lot of things work. I don't understand how a radiator works, but I'm not gonna stop driving my car.

Jerry:That's not the same thing.

Kramer:It's the same principle! The system works, Jerry. You just gotta trust it.