Louies Mother

Hey, Elaine, it still raining out? / No. They opened a fire hydrant, and I've been playing in it.

Avast, you lubbers!

What happens when it showers? / Big bookings are ours. / And what happens when it rains? / Monetary gains.

What happens when it drizzles? / Shut up, Ignatowski.

What happens when it drizzles? / Shut up, Ignatowski.

What an ear for poetry that man has.

I put my mother in a rest home so I am having a lavish party at my now bachelor pad and none of you cab drivers are invited.

Oh, you're breaking our hearts, Lou.

I'm really sorry that none of you can make it. / What time should I be there, Louie?

Any time you want, Latka. As soon as you get there I'm throwing your foreign butt down the stairs. / Well, in that case, I might be a little late.

Louie, eat your dinner. / Louie, turn down the television. / Louie, don't use the doilies to clean the beer off your chin.

You mean you didn't go in and check the place out? / What the hell do I look like, Mike Wallace?

There's a city full of mildewing people out there just dying to snuggle up next to you.

The way I figure it, Rieger, you're the only guy in this garage who won't embarrass me in front of my friends.

Make sure you don't have any holes in your shorts, if you know what I mean.

I mean, I can't believe I'm saying this, but it's sort of a nagging curiosity in me. You know that kind of morbid curiosity when you pass a car wreck, you just got to slow down.

Or when you have a sore in your mouth you put your tongue against it so you know it hurts. Or when you have a container of milk that you know has gone sour. You just got to smell it before you throw it away.

I can't wait either.

Orson Welles's necktie.

Oh, it's not the cops.

Boy, the stories were just flying around here a minute ago. Hey, Lyle, tell Alex the one about how you woke up in the morning and your gums were bleeding.

No, no, no, that's okay. That's okay. Don't be repetitious on my account.

You know how a crowd always gathers around on the street to watch when some guy's had a heart attack? We were the last ones to leave.

The ties that bind.

Got to go. / Where you going? / We got another party.

Well, listen, I hope they have a couch.

Boy! What an evening! Oh, gosh, it's great to know guys you can get silly with like that. I'm probably not going to remember any of this in the morning.

You don't like being here alone, do you, Louie? / What, are you kidding? I've been waiting for this all my life, Rieger. I love being alone.

Look at this stuff. Geez! Look. This stupid tea cup. Her little shawl. She left her little shoes here. Look at her little shoes, Alex.

She left her little shoes here. Look at her little shoes, Alex. / No, no. / One shoe. / Come on. / No.

She burned my dinner. I called her a name, she called me a name and then I hid her teeth.

We had that same old argument we always have. She burned my dinner. I called her a name, she called me a name and then I hid her teeth.

You hid her teeth?

If anybody's going to do any calling it's going to be her because a man never begs. Ma taught me that.

I lost ma.

If you're inviting me out like a guy invites his buddy for a drink, that's okay, but if you're doing this out of pity, well, let's forget it. / It's pity, Lou. / Well, a beer's a beer.

What are you staring at? Get your stupid eyes off me.

What, are you kidding, Rieger? I'm on top of the world, sitting on a rainbow.

Lyle shot Huey. / He shot him? / Yeah. It was an accident. / He just wounded him. / Oh. / Six times.

Must put a strain on their friendship.

Louie... yesterday I snuck out early. Also, I figured out a way of getting coffee from the machine without paying money. Louie, are you listening to me?

Hey, uh, a nice suit you're wearing. Maybe it will come back in style.

Maybe it will come back in style. / Is, is, is that a nose, your nose or are you sucking on the banana? / I don't want to say you're ugly, but you know...

I don't want to say you're ugly, but you know... / Don't press your luck, Latka.

Don't press your luck, Latka. / Okay, Louie. I'm sorry. Boy, I was cooking.

Look, Lou, do me a favor, would you, and don't mention anything about your mother, okay? / Okay. She's forgotten.

Jeff, you watch the cage for me here. I'm going to go play cards with the guys. I was invited.

Who raised Louie? / Ma raised Louie. / That's it. Ma raised me.

Louie, you're becoming a sniveling, weepy obnoxious boob and I'm getting sick of it. Do you hear me?

Look in that mirror. Look at that. That's you. / Is that me? / Yeah, that's you! / I'm a boob!

Get ready, world. Louie De Palma is back. Latka, I'm docking you a week's pay.

And nobody ever ask me to play cards again. Louie De Palma does not play cards with losers.

Now, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going to get my mommy.

Oh, yeah? Well, hum a few bars of this, crazy lady.

What's the matter with you? You never seen a man visiting his mother before? Get out of here.

Ma, when you're not there, it's so quiet I can hear the toilet running.

Elaine Nardo. / Well, I, I know I told you that she's nuts about me, but... but she's a little overeager.

I know I told you that she's nuts about me, but... but she's a little overeager.

All those women... I'm always telling you about that are after me... I'm making that up, Ma. I'm a lonely man, Ma. I need you there.

If I come home, will you be nice to me? / For a while.