Elaine O'Connor-Nardo

What do you mean busting my chops here making believe you're a regular person?

Fill out this form... And I hope you fill it out better than you fill out your pants.

My ex-husband was right. He's not the worst there is. You're a jerk. A giant jerk.

You're not a heel. You're a jerk. A giant jerk.

A priest who collected it for underprivileged crippled children. Or a nun on her way to send it to starving natives.

You're really a poet, you know?

Every time I talk to you, Louie I feel grateful that I haven't eaten yet.

Maybe Angela ate her.

Maybe your watch is off. / No. / It has to be by my watch.

I bet you're wondering how you got a cab so fast in this rain. Well, it's because I've been sitting here admiring this window display. You see, I work here part-time at this art gallery.

You charmed me into it.

Rape... rape... rape!

He's faster than he looks.

I don't lie. I fudge.

Well, you can start anytime.

Ever heard of Betty's vodka? Gentlemen never tell.

12 Cans. Canned champagne? I guess for those macho gourmets who like to crush something after a sip.

Thanks. So you don't remember me, huh?!

You know how women feel about garbage. Always wondering if what you've thrown out was important so you start digging through it until you find it again.

I'll die if you don't forgive me.

That's the sweetest thing anybody ever said to me. I think.

Who asked you?

Oh, boy, we will be so happy. / No. N-o spells 'no.' / Aw, shup.

Please pass the salt. / No. Soon. Soon. / He likes salt.

A little short, huh? / No, a little long.

John, are you sure you want to talk about this because I for one, can live without it.

Just say the words. Be nice. / Just one thing. How do I get her to say it?

Okay, if you don't want to ride a rocket to the stars, that's your business. / Thanks. / Of course, if I want to tell everyone you did, that's my business.

Okay, and if I want to tell everyone you couldn't, that's my business.

Alex, who am I spilling my guts out to?

Elaine asking 'How many?' about Tony's rejections, Louie responding 'So far... 12.'

Damn it, Louie, you little twerp / She's much nicer than what I'm used to.

You thanked me. You thanked my children, you thanked my baby-sitter...

He hates me. / Who? / The waiter. I know when a man despises me and that man despises me. He's going to spit in my food.

Could we go back to sweating?

Walter, your menu's on fire.

I think I'll start with the chocolate cheesecake.

Oh, yeah? You want to go out Saturday night? / Oh, no, Saturday, I made these... / See? See? What about Sunday? / No, I take the kids... / Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. What about Monday? / Monday's a bad day. / Mm-hmm. Tuesday?

I'm drawn to that scrawny little puppy in the pet store, you know, that nobody else wants.

So I look over at Walter, and he's got tears in his eyes. So then I got them both on my hands.

Like, 'How about a roll in the hay?' Walter's suggestions seem to run toward the blunt, don't they?

Walter, you want to fly your parents to New York because of what we did last night? / It's a shuttle.

What if the mother, well, uh... forced herself on the guy? / Forced herself? Yeah. / I mean, what'd she do, like throw him down and pin him to the floor? / Kind of, yeah.

I mean, what'd she do, like throw him down and pin him to the floor?

Latka's mother?!

Just for that? / Huh? No, no, no. She flew in to see Latka.

If I were you, I'd think of something else.

Dr. Wheeler? / Well, it's easier to get reservations at joints like this if they think you're a doctor.

Has anyone ever told you you... look a little like a young Lana Turner? / No. / 'Cause you don't.

Don't wait up.

She's the only one who never asked me why I drive a cab.

I get them from libraries, you know.

I mean, like, I just know it's going to turn out you're either married, gay, or crazy.

Come on, crazy. Right again. Thank God.

What is it, a tattoo somewhere that says, 'I have kids'?

You don't even know when to lie.

I'd feel like a call girl. You didn't do anything. I'd feel like a bad call girl.

What would you have given me if I'd stayed the night? A very sweet memory. You're better off with the hundred.

He did. He took no for an answer.

Bet you don't even notice how cute he is / Louie? / Yeah / Louie?! / Yeah!

Maybe I just get turned on by powerful men / Louie!? / Yeah

You want him for yourself / Zena says I want Louie for myself

I mean, who in this garage is going to introduce her to Louie? / Elaine, damn it, she's an adult

It's just one date. What's the worst thing that can happen? / She could have his baby

There's only one consolation in this whole sordid affair / I didn't introduce them

I finally found a girl who can keep up with me / She's jealous!

Well, I can take it, if you can. No, no, no, not that personal.

How many drugs do you think I did? Mmm... a lot. Wow! Right on the nose!

What color are my eyes? Hmm... well, you can rule out white.

Well, hasn't everyone? Put 'No.'

Two things... That they won't issue him a license to drive in this city and that they will.

Gin.

This is going to be so easy for you, like an hour off.

Talking.

A sure sign of mental health, right? Right.

So, uh, I guess I'll just have to give up the kids.

You don't pay attention to women... You, uh, collect them.

How many women have you dated this year? / Who counts? / You. Fifteen.

Um, I think there's more than nine numbers between those two.

Yeah. I haven't seen anything like it since I stopped reading Archie comic books.

You have a dentist appointment in 30 minutes.

I don't know how you did that, but if you are that determined not to go, well, forget it.

Never, never, never, never, never, never.

Five hundred dollars.

Your stupidity.

Would it spoil this moment for you if I threw up?

Elaine in the Jacuzzi: 'Oh, I love every wrinkle on every toe.'

Elaine's relaxation is interrupted by 'There's a Mr. Louie De Palma here to see you' and she responds 'I just remembered' (tension and unhappiness)

Elaine's reason for staying another month: 'Do you know that right now my kids are down at the swimming pool taking swimming lessons, and in the afternoon, they have tennis lessons, and the elevator operator is teaching them French.'

'Latka, tonight is your last night here. Tomorrow you go to war, so tonight I will give you my body to use as you will so that you will never forget me.' / No, I wasn't going to say that. / But how about it?

I just got this sudden urge. / Uh-oh, you're doing it again.

Do you realize that every time you break up with a guy you paint your apartment?

Elaine, there must be 20 coats of paint here. It's been a rough year.

Let's see, the blue one is Tom, and under Tom was Roger, and under Roger was Eric, and under Eric was... I forget. Looks like a dull gray. My ex-husband.

Because the whole thing is just so stupid and corny and high school. And worst of all, it is getting me hot.

That is the most disgusting poetry. Just get away from me.

Yeah, if you consider dark, wavy hair, magnetic eyes and a killer smile attractive. Some women go for that.

Um, Pepe, Carlo, Pedro, uh, Pavlovsky, Carlos, uh, uh, Jeff, Ahmad... Latka. No. The bald guy who comes on Thursdays? Sheila? Sheila?

Well, that's everybody in the garage. So I guess it's nobody. / Yeah... it's nobody.

But you are the dearest, sweetest, most wonderful person. / I think you're right.

I can't believe that someone would have the nerve to ask for this stuff. I mean, the postage to send it would cost you... It came to $4.98.

'I'll show you mine if you show me yours' exchange about vices

Elaine holds playing cards while lecturing about gambling

Elaine's elaborate scenario of Jim's gambling downfall with loan sharks

The cop scenario reveals Jim's drug history and traffic violations, he corrects 'Five! Five lights!'

In the scenario, strange men took Jim's mama because he owes money

Priest says 'I don't do priests' when Jim wants to confess

His accountant and his lawyer? His Tuesday and his Wednesday.

Oh, I finally made it. Mistaken for cheap.

Oh, sure, that's easy for you to say. All you had to do to get kids was give birth.

Gee, I feel so guilty I took the simple way out.

Ha! You report me to the board of labor relations, and I'll fire you. / You fire me, and I'll report you to the union. / You report me to the union, and I'll see to it that you get a rotten cab out of this garage every night. / You give me a rotten cab out of the garage every night, and I'll report you to the hack bureau. / You report me to the hack bureau, and I'll kick you in the shin. / You kick me in the shin, and I'll kick you where you live.

You sure he didn't say 'I'm never, ever, ever, never coming back, ha-ha?' You know how Alex likes to kid.

Or your clothes or your hair or your skin.

Let's ask Alex. / Good idea.

Not only have you found a manager, you've found a... A great manager!

I get to bring a friend, and we sit at separate tables.

Except 'Stallion.' / Especially 'Stallion.'

You're taking advantage of something that's decent in me to satisfy some indecent needs of your own. How does that make you feel? / Horny as all get out.

How does that make you feel? / Horny as all get-out.

You're early, and she doesn't live here, and I have a headache!

his name is Joe, and he's a tall blond doctor, and he likes me very much, and won't hurt me.

Alex, if I ask you real nice, will you take this bottle and beat me senseless?

I want you to always remember your mother the way she was the last time you saw her... Young and fresh and happy.

You've written our entire conversation?

To wash down the Valium.

I thought something like that would kill a person. / So did I.

Enthusiasm like that doesn't come cheap.

The final kiss and Louie's reaction

Don't you think it's a little odd that your beneficiary wants you to do this?

Uh... the horse racing. No. Uh... football. Nope. Badminton?

if you value our friendship, you will not put that smirk into words.

Every day you come in here with some sure thing and it never works out.

after the artist... dies.

Bobby, these are just prints. They're copies of original paintings. They're almost worthless. Oh.

Oh, good, you gave Latka the day off. Yeah, I told him that all he had to do is fix the problem in cab 643, he could come with us. Oh, did you get it fixed? Uh... almost. What's that? Uh... uh... I don't know. That's the problem.

What's that? Uh... uh... I don't know. That's the problem.

Alex's warning about Tony's impression and Elaine asking why he's encouraging him creates confusion

But if I were to tell you my fantasy... it would knock you out.

We always play cards. We play cards every day. That's all we do is play cards. Play cards.

Elaine, we're trying to play cards here. Come on! Buzz off.

Bounce! Kick!

Train! Pick me up! Turn me! Put me down! Kick!

What's her name? What time do you want me there? 8:00.

There will be soon. I put a quarter in the jukebox. No. You just put a quarter in the cigarette machine.

Now, you know that I'm not the kind of mother who comes in with boring stories about her kids, right? [Everyone enthusiastically agrees]

Oh, I forgot. We're only allowed to talk about hangovers and the Jets.

Elaine asking for a light: 'You don't have a cigarette.' 'We don't need a cigarette.'

Character explains their instant chemistry with a stranger as something their 'older brother' (Alex) doesn't like

Oh, do you know what you're putting this poor man through?

I think he's a butler. I don't care what he does for a living. He's my father.

Let him hear the negative things after he loses it.

You don't understand it because you're a woman, Elaine. I have no idea why I don't understand it.

Do you realize the entire human experience of the universe can be summed up in one sentence?

I have verifiable proof of the existence of God. / Later, later... This stuff gets flat.

That's a man walking, all right.

We're just snooping through his briefcase. And loving every minute of it.

No, Jim, this is a costume party, remember? You were supposed to wear an outfit.

Miss Taxi Cab Driver, do you know where I spent my afternoon? In a bar? I was in a bar. And do you... do you know what I was doing? Drinking. I was drinking. You know... you know what I was thinking about? Loneliness? You too, huh?

Are you sure you can find your plane? Listen, if I'm late, they're going to wait for me.

Gimme an E! Gimme an E! Gimme an A-S-T! Gimme an S! Gimme an S! Gimme an I-D-E! East Side, East Side! Go, team, go! Yay! Never heard of it.

I must say, I was a little startled to see our homecoming queen driving a cab. Uh, Mary, uh, I wasn't the homecoming queen. Oh, who was? You were. That's right.

Maybe I should have gone first.

Yes, well, I'm even happier than I seem! Happier! Because, uh, you see, I have a steady guy too. Oh, great. Yeah. What's his name? Uh... it's, uh... Billboard. Bill Board.

Me too.

I swear to God, I didn't even floss.

Does she, have, uh... frizzy blonde hair, granny glasses and smoke French cigarettes? No. Well, if you run into somebody like that, I'd like to meet her.

May I have a glass of water? What's the matter? Your arm's broken?

Me?

Do you think you could let go of my hand, so I could cut my meat? Oh. Well, I guess you have to eat. I'll give it right back. Promise? Okay.

I didn't remember that story. How did you remember it? I remember everything.

I'm the most exquisite work of art you've ever seen in your life! Oh, that! No, I'd say that to anybody!

See? Nothing. Nothing? Nothing.

I just get hit on by a crummier class of creeps.

Hey, Elaine, it still raining out? / No. They opened a fire hydrant, and I've been playing in it.

When did you ever sleep on my couch? / The night you showed slides from your ski trip.

It's this old interior decorator trick I learned, called cleaning.

You smell something funny? / No. / Neither do I.

Like what? / Bobby's career, Bobby's dreams... Bobby. / How did you ever drag all that out of him? / I think I said, 'How are you?'

'The road to naughty-naughty'? / Come on, Elaine. I'm trying to be delicate about this thing. / You want me to come right out and say it? / O-Okay. I'll come right out and say it... You and I were that far away from doing foo-foo.

You're making me yearn for four-letter words.

It's 3:00 in the morning, Alex. What are you doing here? / I was just out taking a walk. / Barefoot? / Yeah. I, uh... I like the feeling of snow in my toes.

Well, then you two must care a lot.

I mean, I lost a boyfriend. / I lost my job in Florida. / I lost the feeling in eight of my toes.

The way he treats women like objects, pieces of meat. I mean, doesn't he know that thinking went out two to three months ago?

Oh, poor thing. Hasn't she suffered enough?

Purple. Not as close.

Louie, how could you?

You're right, you are forgettable!

Let's break 'em.

Alex, how'd it go? Oh, it's a little too early to tell.

Todd has just asked us to jog to Germany.

We could have walked and saved the bus fare. Alex, we're in Europe. Every penny counts.

'The Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh in front of Buckingham Palace.' ... 'A nice couple we met at the hotel.'

Fish... and friendship. And who's contributing what? Who cares? That's the beauty of it.

'The ruins of the temple of Apollo.' 'We didn't do this.'

I got the idea that night in Barcelona when, uh, I heard you in the next room crying yourself to sleep.

You solved the cube! Oh, my gosh, how did you do that? I tore off the little color spots and put them where they should be.

we've seen each other depressed, neurotic, sad, angry, hostile, stupid, ugly.

Elaine explaining Pokey's funeral: 'Pokey was a rubber toy. With feelings and emotions like any other rubber toy.'

Oh, Louie... Ye really are slime.

'Since when?' '1974.' Alex hasn't seen his father who's lived nearby for years

'My God, who is this man?' Elaine's shock at Joe's behavior

Oh, Elaine, you're so naive. Give me a hug.

Craig, go to your spot. I see.

If you're afraid to leave your studio, what do you do when you go out? I just don't go out.

I'm not genophobic. That means you have no fear of touching? No, it means I have no fear of sex. As long as it's right here, right now, pronto, see?

You got a real ark, huh?

Well, it's, uh, something to think about.

And let him get away?

No, not a date. Just dinner tomorrow night.

You know, maybe I'm overdressed. I think I'll change back into what I had on before.

So, how come only one eye is tearing?

If you don't listen to me, I'll kill myself. I swear I will... I'll kill myself. Oh, no, you won't... you are not the kind of person who takes his own life. Unfortunately.

It's a ploy... he's faking.

I'm a warm, sensitive human being! You've got to believe me!

You mean... if I understood what was wrong with what I did, then you'd forgive me and give me my job back? But you won't understand. But what if I did?

Is that the way I made you feel when I peeked? Kind of.

Is that the way I made you feel when I peeked? Kind of.

I see you're planning on driving in the borough of Oz. Watch out for the Munchkins; they're light tippers.

You're cute, Jim. Ah... What a kidder! What a kidder. Maybe you're right.

There's not enough helium in this world.

Oh, that's all right... Sometime they'll come back down and brighten up an otherwise dull day around here.

If she doesn't understand, you can explain it over a weekend in Connecticut.

Oh, it was a beautiful spring day. I fell in love with him that afternoon. Yeah? How'd it turn out? Oh, not so good. I married him.

Take off your right shoe, Nardo. Drop dead. See, I told you it was a tough spot to get to.

I hate it when they do that! Oh, Elaine.

Thanks for sharing that with me, Louie. Excuse me, I have to go boil my ears now.

Oh, it sickens me to say this, Alex, but, uh, he's right.

and eyes that show you that he's a little boy after all. You just happened to mention him in passing?

And if that doesn't work, I'll try something subtle like the Dance of the Seven Veils.

Oh, my God, you're right. It's not special enough.

Elaine's internal debate about the hair appointment

No. No, it's very reasonable.

Why? So they can serve hors d'oeuvres on my head?

for making me look like spoiled coleslaw

When I was leaving there crying, he said... 'Well, I guess I can't do cabdrivers.'

Oh, and they gave you a ring for that? How cute.

I was wondering why I never heard of you.

How come you guys always slap each other on the butt?

I really did get my license back! / Yeah, we know, Tony. / I mean it! / Yeah. / I know what I said, but I mean... / It's okay, Tony. / I really got my license back. / Yeah, sure, Tony.

Say hello to Flipper.

Why would you want to be Miss America? / To help mankind throughout the world and to uphold the ideals of the Miss America pageant! / You yutz!

The concert is tomorrow. Oh. No problem. I brought a book.

Alex, you weren't there last night when the conductor walked down to the podium and Jim yelled, 'Down in front!'

Alex, this is a man who, during the slow passages, rolled up his program and blew salted nuts into the tuba.

This would be a lot easier without the humming. / It sure would. Where's that coming from? / From you.

For a movie? / Yeah. / Oh, yeah. Oh.

'I wish I were dead.' - Elaine's reaction to being introduced as Jim's sponsor

you know how snarky those people get

Tell him you wet your bed. / What?! / I'm trying to decide whether or not to take a desk job. / Tell him you wet your desk.

I just hit that man. / I just hit him! / I know. / He's turning red!

Tony breaking down the wrong apartment door first

You think maybe you could stand one behind the other? Oh, sure. Oh, thanks.

What's Alex like?! Why are you shouting? I'm not shouting. Yes, you are; you said, 'What's Alex like?!'

I'd say 'no' no matter what the truth was.

I've been on a boat for three long, lonely months. / That's okay, I understand. / Oh, great. Uh, once.

What would you have done? / I'd have screamed. / Uh-uh. It would've fallen in your mouth.

I feel about this big. Jim, you were off by three. Oh, go ahead, lady, rub it in.

Do you dance? Yes. I thought so. The man is a smoothie.

Well, here I am in the same old rut: going out dancing with a monk.

So, he's been celibate for ten years. So? So... he may find it difficult to be with a woman. No problem.

How could I be mad at you? You're just jealous that you have no love in your life.

Can you at least stick around? Lots of couples don't talk to each other.

I'm sorry; I didn't mean to make you smile.

Why? Why, Alex? This is the second year in a row I've let them choose where to spend Christmas and they picked their father. Now I'm wondering if they love him more than they love me. Why? Why, Alex? Well, doesn't he have that great, uh, ski chalet in Aspen?

So the guy leaves the cab, and I say, 'Wait a minute. You forgot your gift,' and he says, 'No, no, no, you keep it. You deserve it more than she does.'

It's cheap, but it's a sewer. I don't know why I stay. Because it's you?

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel, Hasenpfeffer Incorporated ♪

They pay you all that money to be a chicken? I just don't act like a chicken. It's based on reality.

If I ding like a bell, would you do the chicken? Oh, please, lady. Oh, please, you do want to live in this building, don't you?

Look, I don't know what you do for a living, but if they accept you, please don't let me know.

'The Butcher' Nardo.

I'm a blithering pea brain.

Your son hangs around pool halls? / No, I do.

I blame him and I blame him!

Why is everyone here just a little angry?

Maybe Angela ate her.

But if I were to tell you my fantasy, it would knock you out.

Elaine, we're trying to play cards here. Come on! Buzz off.

Elaine refusing to arm wrestle with emphatic 'No!' responses

All right! I'm the undisputed champ of the garage!

Losing never is, kid

I'm giving you the belt back

you are never going to live it down... I ain't losing this time, 'cause last time I was tired

Was it Nardo? Surprise, surprise.

They know I'm kidding. Yeah, well, I don't think they do. Really? Well, great.

Oh, well, I guess I'll have to trade you in for two new kids

I'd like you to meet the greatest guy in the world... Arnie Ross!

I guess I am. You know what? What? I love it.

I guess I am.

Oh, what's that? / The lid.

How would you like to be paid? / Oh, very much.

or you can be mean and selfish and greedy and not share it with him.

Well... Well, my... crimpka poosh... lasts four days tops.

Elaine, you don't have crimpka poosh. I don't want to argue the point, but I do.

Latka, I have crimpka poosh, and I have been crimpka pooshing since I was 12.

Well, I did. But maybe because I love talking about it so much.