Louie De Palma

What's it like having a cauliflower back?

73 cents!

What do you mean busting my chops here making believe you're a regular person?

Fill out this form... And I hope you fill it out better than you fill out your pants.

And Zelinko, you got cab 636, and wash it!

It hurts me to see you not working. It makes me want to press a nerve in your neck.

Because you are a terrible person.

Haul your sweaty carcass over here this second. Did you detect mellowing?

You're through, loser. That's the nice way.

Whoo! A threat. I heard a threat... Ooh, a threat with an explanation... A threat that worked.

Your gym called... That information will cost you another buck... They didn't say nothing.

Never pick up a cripple... You call them 'handicapped persons'... The people you should never pick up are handicapped persons.

Always remember, lust is better than love.

I think it's the spray cans.

Whoo, Mr. Big Booker bets five whole dollars on his friend who he's sure is going to win.

You're going to give up a Friday night... The busiest night of the week... To go watch the macaroni pony fight?

Nobody.

Always wanted to do that.

Gimme.

And I'm going to be here... Making a fortune.

And I'm going to be here... Making a fortune.

I hope someone slams a door on your nose and you sneeze and your head explodes.

Not smackers. Bucks.

I didn't say I lost it. I just said I was looking for it. I've been looking for 2,000 bucks all my life.

Tell her I'll get back to her.

You better smile when you do that, buddy.

Looking good, per usual...

I prefer my women 'H and H'... Homely and hot.

I tried to take her blouse off. It's not my fault she feels sick so why shouldn't one of us have a good time, right?

You want to pop the veins in my head?

Is it all right if John uses the toilet? / Just lay off, Louie, okay?

Do old ladies get mugged? / Well, that dog is my dog, and I want him now.

Uh... yeah... I got something in my eyes. I can't see anything. Anybody got a dollar bill I could wipe the sweat out of my eyes?

I'll let you have him, but only 'cause your dreams are crashing around you.

If you want to find a good job acting, find a line to stand in.

So what if you're falling off the cliff? The view is wonderful on the way down.

Why don't you just stand them at a distance and let them call the dog? Whichever one he goes to gets the dog, right? / This guy ought to run for borough president.

Perhaps some of those art-world cuties might want me to pose for them au naturel.

I used to pull over, turn around, and ask them if they'd like to come to my place for drinks and sex. Oh, yeah, the subtle approach.

Once in 2,312 times.

Oh, I'm sorry. The next time you don't show up for work for two days, you're fired.

Well, come by the garage this week and I'll give you a tire.

Hey, Rudy, did they find the rest of that rat that died in the beer keg? Go.

For a buck. Hey, the post office only charges 15 cents. Yeah, and they're going broke.

Or do you want to see if you have kids by tonight?

Louie, I'll give you a buck, you don't play that song again. Okay.

So what are you losers up to? That was obnoxious? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, okay.

That's the first time I ever apologized.

I used to just stand there and wait for the last guy to take his shot.

Alex, you got something on your shirt. That!

Okay, get ready to sob your spleens out. I went to my high school senior prom alone.

I tell them my date was delayed. She couldn't make it until after her Broadway show's curtain came down.

If you're trying to make me feel better how about being a little bolder?

She looked just like a beautician.

and I saw they had a high chair there.

I says to them, 'Okay, you did it. You got me good. Enjoy yourselves.'

and make them all eat crackers, if you know what I mean.

I'm not sure being a taxi dispatcher is enough to do the job.

You know, I can't believe you just said that, Louie. It's true. Yeah, I know, but, like, incredible.

I'm too complex a person. You can't be me.

You can't talk like me. You can't talk like me.

That was Stanley Tarsus. Him? He was... Oh-ho! Bobby did it. Bobby did it. It really worked. I never thought it would, 'cause it was the craziest stunt in the world.

All these mo-mos trying to learn how to do my steps, wishing they were with my girl.

I just want to touch Sheila's hair. I've always wanted to do that ever since high school. Don't do it, Louie. Why not? What harm could it do?

I don't know about anybody else, but I'm really enjoying myself! Thank you!

Some of it ain't even true.

You should see what's written about you on the walls of the ladies' room. / I know what it says in there. I wrote it.

Latka's the poodle I never had.

He's under that cab. / Louie! / You swine!

That's why I was buying you time when the feds came in.

I don't understand why he won't forgive me. All I did was turn him in.

'How...' / Can anybody else answer for him? / 'How...' / I'm up for retirement in two years.

She's classy, and you're just a grease monkey. It'll never work out.

In fact, they even went so far as to offer Latka $1,000 to leave their daughter alone, but he wouldn't take it.

The parents only offered me a lousy 50 bucks. / What was the other thing? / I took it.

My mother paid good money for these lessons, and I thought Latka should have some music for his nuptials.

Let's go, Rieger. Heave the old tush this way.

Where's your friend Burns? / I want to give him a kiss.

That's why you notice I never fraternize with you drivers. / I thought that was our choice.

Why hasn't the young couple invited me to dinner? / After all you've done for them.

Burns, I got a pencil in my hand, and I'm writing down the words, 'Dinner... with... Burns.'

All I wanted was an invitation. And I would say, 'Thanks, but no, because I make it a policy never to fraternize with the help.'

You hurt me, Burns.

I'd be delighted.

Boy, we're going to have tongues wagging that night. Huh, toots?

it's a couple of late-night drinks, a little disco dancing, and then magic time.

Okay, if you don't want to ride a rocket to the stars, that's your business. / Thanks. / Of course, if I want to tell everyone you did, that's my business.

Alex Rieger, 180,000 miles without an accident, voted 'New York Cabbie of the Month' August 1977, just rams into a parked car?

You mean, you had a choice of running over some mutt and ramming into a Cordoba? A Chrysler Cordoba with Corinthian leather?

And you chose... You made a conscious choice to hit the Cordoba? Where are your values, Rieger?

Oh, good thinking, Rieger. Otherwise, he might not know where to reach us and we couldn't pay for the damages. Smart, smart.

$700 damage just to avoid hitting a dog. I mean, if you'd have swerved to avoid hitting an old lady, I could understand. I'm not saying I'd agree, but I could understand. But a dog.

No cockroaches, Latka. Get that cockroach out of there.

All right, I got a baby. We'll use the baby for the dog.

Listen, Banta, I can make life really rough for you if I wanted to, but you're Italian and I'm Italian. So I'm going to tell you just like I'd tell my own brother... You better smarten up, meatball.

Hey, you losers hear this? This sweet young bimbo just booked $217. A new Sunshine Cab company record.

I'd shake your hand, but I'm afraid I'd get you hot.

You got enough I can give the other guys?

Now, let me think about that. I thought about it. It was nice working with you.

That I don't even have to think about. Bye-bye, Bobby.

Get back, get back, all of you! Get back! Now, listen to me and listen to me good. I'm drawing a line here. Now, you see that line? You see it? Look at it, look at it.

Because if just one of youse steps one foot across that line, I'll have to fire her.

Him.

I prefer to think of it as an alternative lifestyle.

What do you mean, stoop so low?

I got feelings. Really? My mother's that way. Cries every Christmas on account of my little brother Nicky never comes to see her. I'll give you the same advice I give my mom when she cries. I say, 'Ma, shut up.'

Ma stayed up all night crying. It was really hard on me. I'll bet. Yeah, I hated having to put her out in the hall.

Come here. I want to introduce you to some of my inferiors.

He never shows her any affection or consideration. Like me, I'm always saying stuff like, 'How you doing, Ma?'

She cooks something, and I don't like the way it tastes, I never spit it out. I always tell her, 'Take another crack at it.'

she freezes up on me, Oh. You know? And she needs to go someplace where it's warm so she can thaw out.

'Nicky, I'd really love to see your apartment in Vegas before I die, because if I don't I'll put a curse on you from my grave.'

I might have a New Year's eve gig for you.

You only been gone ten minutes. It takes ten minutes to drive there and back. What'd you expect, me to spend all afternoon with her?

Hey, crazy lady, give me a break here.

You either take Ma with you when you go, or you leave town an only child.

You hear the way she screeches? Sometimes when she's going real good, dogs come from all over.

Separate tabs.

about Ma, about me, about Nick, about Ma and me, about Nick and me, about Nick and Ma.

Do you know that I played the elf in the Christmas pageant every year till I left for the Army? I never got to play the parts that I wanted to play... Angel, shepherd, room clerk...

The guy who said, 'No room at the Inn.' Oh, that room clerk.

I want him wiped out, Alex crushed, destroyed, humiliated... for Ma.

You're bankrolling him against me, your own brother? Jeez, Louie, I always knew you resented me and all of that but I never knew you had it in you to do something like this. You're all right.

You said it was your life savings, Louie. I lied... I do that sometimes.

You want me to bet Ma? You win? You're off the hook. You lose? You take her with you.

You're betting on our own mother. Right. $300, Two weeks.

100 is for hugs and kisses every day she's there. $50, You take her out to dinner twice a week to someplace fancy, not no taco palace. And the last $50 you take her to one of those splashy floor shows they got out there.

not no taco palace

Three sixes, you lose. I lose? You lose! I'll have Ma packed and waiting for you.

It's a full moon. You know what that means. Every creep in this city will be out tonight.

You think you're a real Jan Murray, don't you, Rieger?

You see, it's like this: I don't give a rat's corpse whether you get a clean cab or not.

Oh... okay. Thanks for explaining it to me. / I enjoyed it.

Whoever brought her in, get her out.

I bet you're Louie. Am I right? / Sell it someplace else, sister. / I am right.

Did Mommy Warbucks raise your allowance?

That broad is older than the continental shelf!

Her age would make a good bowling score!

Oh, Alex, be a dear and take the kitty out for a wee-wee.

That's hot coffee!

Louie's joke about the man who needs a dentist because with his wife 'it's like pulling teeth'

After the long joke, Latka asks 'So that means it's all right to go to the dentist?' and Louie says 'No, no, no way'

Louie's immediate response when Tony arrives: 'Bobby killed your fish.'

Louie: 'He booked 90, fish killer.'

Louie's immediate taxi booking comment: 'Hey, buddy, you need a quarter? I got it.'

Elaine asking 'How many?' about Tony's rejections, Louie responding 'So far... 12.'

The buildup about a forbidden word that Louie hates more than any word in the English language

You want to peddle dope, you want to be a white slaver... Anything you want, that's your business

I'm going to rip your head off and use it as a radiator cap

What do you do, put a quarantine sign in the window?

One more time... You come dragging in here with that Howdy Doody face of yours and change for a quarter

What, see a doctor for a simple... gut-wrenching pain?

And, you know, about what I was saying before... Don't forget it.

Please come and see me before I die

As a matter of fact, I was delivered on a kitchen table by a midwife... Well, half the kitchen table. Dad was eating dinner on the other half.

Well, half the kitchen table. Dad was eating dinner on the other half.

She thinks I'm out of town, seeing you fight. Who'd I fight? Some kid from Mexico. How'd I do? He knocks you out in the second round. Yeah, them Mexican guys are tough.

How'd you like a sack of dirt?

I said, 'Have one.' Oh, you said, 'Have one'? I thought you said, 'Leave one.'

Say hello to God, Alex. No, Louie, I don't think... Say hello. He hasn't got all day.

Well, I guess you got yourself a deal, huh?

Tell her that I'm on a mission for the government. She'll believe you. She's a little funny in the head.

It's only money.

After all, a man is never taller than when he stoops to help a child.

And nobody can stoop lower than you, De Palma. Thank you, my friend.

I'll be darned.

Then there wasn't any accident after all.

You were testing me to see if I could break my pact with God.

Louie counting out money with increasingly violent gestures

You scum! You lowlife! You cretin!

I'm going to make you regret the day you were born! I'm gonna make sure that every night you get the dirtiest smelliest cab in the garage, and if there isn't one that's dirty and smelly, then I'm gonna get in and smelly and dirty it up myself.

The most miserable cab driver in all of New York City is whoever lets him down or feeds him.

You believe in hell, Alex? Believe in it? I work there.

He's rolled up His sleeves. He's got His brass knuckles on. He's getting ready for me.

That's a beautiful thought, Alex.

Back to the garage so that I may continue fulfilling His divine purpose.

She had to have a little work done but this guy's prices are so reasonable I even sprung for Novocaine. It's my own mother. What the hell?

What, they run out of towels in the men's room? / No, that's, uh, that's sweat.

Talk about a lame duck.

Well, you see, there's schlemiels and shlimazls. A schlemiel is a guy who goes to a formal dinner party and spills his soup. A shlimazl's the guy he spills it on.

Boy, this guy. He is a horse's yatabe.

A shlimazl is a guy who comes home from work early and finds his wife in bed with his boss, then gets docked a day's pay for leaving the office.

Listen, Nardo... if you ever grab me again in a non-erogenous zone, you're gone.

I'll accept 'dead.'

Well, if he thinks he's depressed now, wait till I get through with him.

Don't smile at me when I'm yelling at you.

Why ain't he looking miserable?

I can't help thinking of all the people out there waiting for taxis that ain't coming... All the old people, and the sick, and the infirm, and the preggos.

She even forgave him for having an affair with her uncle.

My mother watches it. / I'd make her turn it off only it's a half hour a day I don't have to talk to her. Yap, yap, yap.

Only one guy ever made it out in the whole history of this garage and that was James Caan... and he'll be back.

I saw the show. Har, har, har.

Blow it out your ear, Rieger!

I am going to make him squeal like an eel and squirm like a worm.

Alex lifting Louie and carrying him around

♪ He's a loser ♪ ♪ Nyah, nyah, nyah ♪ ♪ He's a loser, he's a loser ♪

I shouldn't! Oh, no, no, no, no! I shouldn't... I shouldn't! You shouldn't, you shouldn't! I shouldn't.

Nice having you back, Bobby.

Nice having you back, Bobby.

"Ooh, ooh, why, you look just like the poor slob who walked out of here a few weeks ago swearing he was never going to come back."

"I'm glad they finally found a role worthy of your talents... A stiff!"

"Come on. Gather 'round and see how a famous actor eats crow."

But I guess I'm just too nice a guy for that.

Right, I promised, now I'm breaking my promise.

I'm not nasty. A lot of guys wouldn't have given you the day off in the first place.

I'm not doing this because I enjoy it. I do enjoy it, but that's not the reason.

My mother's off-limits.

My mother's off-limits.

What kind of heel you think I am?

Hey, Louie, I got a tattoo. / Oh, yeah, and losers.

What's the matter with you? / I'm having a heart attack. / Well, have it somewheres else. I could've tripped and broke my neck.

You're not used to criticism, are you?

Because who cares about money when people's personal feelings are involved?

You're a lily-livered, yellow-bellied, namby-pamby, mealymouth chicken!

You didn't even notice I wasn't here? / I don't even notice you now.

Boy, this place is thick with atmosphere. / Yeah, well, sometimes the ventilation's bad.

Okay, clowns, listen up here. And shut your mouths. This man has something to say to you.

Was that... satisfactory?

What's it worth to you to find out?

That's because he's been dead for two years. / Never mind, Ben.

If I hadn't been selling the leftovers to Mario's, this week would have been a total loss.

If your caterer is missing any silverware, I had nothing to do with it.

Well, that's not exactly the sort of figure that I had in mind, but... what the heck? You got yourself a deal.

Hey, Louie... what sort of figure did you have in mind? / I was going to ask him for $25. (shouts)

You can't cancel this picture. I already told my mother about the $15,000. She thinks we're moving to Queens.

I'm warning you, you cancel this picture, you're going to wake up tomorrow with one of your horses' heads in your bed.

you cancel this picture, you're going to wake up tomorrow with one of your horses' heads in your bed.

Can you believe that? He hung up on me. The nerve of some people.

As long as a man has his pride and his dignity, it doesn't matter what this rotten world tries to do to him.

Louie's physical reaction to Tony's story - nearly fainting at the missed opportunity

Louie's phone conversation: 'And how fat are you?' to a customer complaint

Louie finishing phone call: 'especially you blimpos' while trying to sound professional

Louie's self-congratulatory speech about handling 'delicate situations with tact' after insulting a customer

Louie's bonding moment with Jason: 'I don't dislike you as much as I do most kids'

Louie's parenting advice to Jason about smoking, drinking, and foul language: 'Yeah, it's really tough without a father to teach you'

Louie smoking his mother's leftover cigar: 'Ma couldn't finish it, so...'

Louie's mother spilling beer on her dress and being too self-conscious to come inside

Car horn honking followed by Louie yelling 'Keep your pants on, crazy lady!' to his mother

Uh, that's my daughter. Hmm... Well, she's a loser.

Louie trying to bet on the spelling bee: '20 bucks says my kid beats your kid' to the other parent

Parent's response 'I do not bet on my child' and Louie's comeback 'That's 'cause you know she's a loser'

You ought to know, Banta. It's the only one you ever fight in.

Lucky guess.

Louie admitting 'I know... I hate her' when told to give Christa credit

Louie complaining 'Why does she get all the easy ones?' about a very difficult word

Fix! Fix!

Louie's response to Jason's mature self-blame: 'If I had to choose between your winning or losing and saying what you just said... I'd still take winning, but this was close.'

If I had to choose between your winning or losing and saying what you just said... I'd still take winning, but this was close.

Louie sharing his 12-year-old Scotch and someone saying 'Whenever Louie shares anything, it's an occasion'

Louie's lament about finding a woman: 'First you got to find a woman... You got to fall in love... get married... talk to her. Hmm. It ain't worth it.'

The entire 'Sonny Boy' duet between Louie and his mother with call-and-response commentary

What am I, an information booth?

He should have been in? I should have been rich. You should have had a better nose. Life is cruel.

He's worse than crabs. That miserable little loaf.

He's fine till I get my hands on him and my feet.

You a father? I don't think so. Don't be.

This is De Palma in 804. Taking a fare to the Walden School... Central Park West. Bully for you, De Palma. Two fares in five hours. A good day.

Who's he? My dispatcher. All dispatchers are scum. Remember that.

Hey, I'll give you another 20 if you let me drive. What, do you think I'm crazy? You'd kill somebody. I'd lose my license. 30? Okay.

You sure you know how to do this? You don't steal cars without knowing how to drive them.

That includes 65 for the transistor radio.

You don't mind if I say your mother's a very attractive woman? Very nice bagonzas, if you know what I mean. What are bagonzas? How old are you? 12. Bagonzas are feet.

All right... go. All 50 states. I can't believe you fell for that old trick.

Do you smoke? Camels, unfiltered.

You take $600 from a child? You call that a great story? He was a monster. And I don't care if it was an old lady's life savings. 600 bucks is a great story.

Out of the way or I'll call you last for a cab

The first Baby Ruth / Why does the first one always taste the best? / How should we know? You always eat the first one

You may now resume fighting over the stale ones

[Long awkward silence after introduction]

I like your goodies

How long you been in this sweets field? / You do it very well

It's a free dinner

Zena and I had another one of those nights / She ripped the shirt off my back

When you're burning the candle at both ends for five weeks straight, you're going to have to pay the price

How much pleasure can one man endure?

Isn't anybody the least bit curious as to why I didn't have time to change this morning or yesterday, or the day before, ad infinitum?

[Louie making suggestive gesture/expression] / I don't do that / Yes, you do, you do it almost continuously

Louie making a disgusting face/sound every time he mentions Zena

I don't even realize I'm doing it. But I'll tell you one thing, Rieger, you'd be hee-hee-heeing, too

♪ Macho, macho man ♪ / ♪ I've got to be a macho man ♪

I like to be a little late so she's really chomping at the bit

I finally found a girl who can keep up with me / She's jealous!

I want you to do for me what you do for Bobby and Tony and the other guys / Well, I am a little short this week

20 dollars? Are you crazy? For 'her fault'?! / 20 bucks

I can't tell you how many told me, 'Louie, this is crazy, I should pay you!' / That'll be another ten

She's the first girl that ever did this to me / Don't do that / You haven't got enough money in your pocket for that one

Oh, Zena's not your first girl, she's your first nice girl / Yeah! And I can't handle it!

I was brought up believing that there was nice girls and girls you had fun with and there was no mixing of the two

Great advice

I got you some flowers / Thanks / I threw them away / Why? / Because that's the kind of guy I am

We're not going out tonight / Why not? / Because that's the kind of night this is

Want me to rub your feet? No. Your shoulders? No. That little vein in your head? No rubbing

I told her, 'I don't want you moaning on records anymore'

relating to you in a nonverbal manner

Holy crap!

Take me to the place you cry

I can't go in there, Zena! / Oh, open it! / No... I'm sorry

Women! / It would mean a lot to me

You can go now, Louie / That's easy for you to say

If we paid you by the mistake, you'd own this place by now.

Louie calls for Ben Geretski multiple times with increasing frustration

Louie reveals he IS the shift supervisor that Latka needs to report his grievance to

You did the right thing reporting this, Latka. Thank you very much. Okay, now get your foreign butt back to work.

Where did he grab you?

My guess is they dated them.

So don't tell him till morning.

You're both from countries you have to take pills for.

Okay, I understand, but we're even now.

¿Que pasa, que pasa, que pasa?

I know guys pulling rickshas that could do better.

Zoom, zoom.

Louie singing 'Moonlight Bay' and getting everyone to join in

Hey, is it okay if Jim comes and works here as a cab driver? Sure. Everybody works on Moonlight Bay.

Two pennies, a dime and a Canadian quarter?

Eh, sam-a, sam-a, sam-a-vich, sam-a-vich. A sam-a-wich. No, don't eat the sam-a-mich... Get it out.

Company property.

I'm wearing her down.

What's a kebel? / It take 270 kebel make a lifnitsch

What's a matta? / I don't know nothing. What's a matta with you?

Get lost, yokel. / God, I love New York.

If it's 'brafla,' I have to kill a man. / I think it's 'bratla.' / Oh, good, good. Now I won't need the rest of the day off.

He doesn't respect my leadership. / What are you talking about? He's like everyone else here. He fears you. He pays you bribes. He hates you.

Louie, why would anyone go out of his way to deliver awful, depressing news to another human being? / Kicks.

Make it one word. / Is 'super-loser' one word?

No time for love. Stop that man!

Hi. I'd like to send a singing telegram. / Louie!

What the hell are you laughing at? / Oh, he's laughing at my face. Pretty funny, huh? / I haven't even gotten to your face yet.

And it doesn't have to be anything nice. Just whatever you got lying around. / Oh, gee, I wanted to give you a nice one.

Ho, this day just keeps getting better by the minute. / Worked like a charm, didn't it, Rieger?

I wish I had this on film! Thank you, Lord! Thank you.

Thank you, Louie. / You're welcome.

You want the message explained, it'll cost you another buck.

All right. Ah, the explanation is I gave you the wrong message.

Yours will cost you another dollar. But... I'll put it on your tab.

Big Angie Matusa, the apartment house with legs.

Hey, Tone, she'd make a great catcher for your baseball team. That dame could cover the plate, the umpire and the sun.

I'll prepare for her arrival. Open the loading docks!

Some men climb mountains, others date 'em.

Oh, I think I'm gonna write these bon mots down, before I forget them.

Lock up the candy machine.

Ahoy, there! Has anyone seen anything of the great white whale?

She's not so fat.

But, hey, if you ever bloat up again, come and see me.

You're fat. Just a second. What did I do with that list?

Did you say 'portly' or 'porky'?

el battleshippo wants to talk to you.

He's the guy wearing the Plymouth.

A bonus is something that a boss gives a worker when he thinks he's doing a good job. / Congratulations.

He's saying you're stupid.

He's a boxer like you're an actor.

That's harder than you've ever hit anybody.

You know who I feel sorry for? That poor young girl. Torn between two losers.

Careful, Nardo. If he gets mad he could beat himself silly.

Ooh, there they are... tweedle-dumb and tweedle-dumber.

Why, Land-o-Goshen, it's Mary Worth.

Dump the both of them.

Dump the both of them.

When I was a driver, I was ashamed to show my face in the garage if I had less than a hundred dollars.

What I wouldn't give for a garage full of Louie De Palmas.

What I need are cab drivers. What I got are a bunch of Jan Murrays.

Get that finger out of my face. No. That's my hand! My hand!

There're a lot of chickens around.

Ibida! Ibida.

Makes it hard to cheat.

The best date of my life only cost me 20. And that included the room and the closed-circuit TV.

Reminds me of a chimp act I once saw.

You got a lot of nerve calling yourself handicapped!

Don't think I can't be tender. Sure, I play the tough guy sometimes... but I think you'll find that... underneath I can be... warm... and thrilling. And, yes... a little vulnerable.

I hope you all die.

Louie says McKenzie 'had my butt for breakfast'

Louie promises not to fire whoever slept in the office, just 'briefly torture you with a soldering iron'

Latka!

Louie yells 'Get that thing out of your mouth!' at Latka who is brushing his teeth

Louie forces Latka to swallow toothpaste, and Latka says 'Mmm! Not bad.'

Louie tells Latka 'You can work here, you can sweat here, you can even die here, but you cannot live here.'

Louie says he threw Latka's stuff in the street himself after Latka thought a 'terrible person' did it

Louie's request to the maid: 'Inga... suds.'

Louie's compliment: 'This is a nice apartment. You're going to feel like killing yourselves when you got to leave.'

This is a nice apartment. You're going to feel like killing yourselves when you got to leave.

Louie announces 'By the way... you're out of scotch' after being locked out

Louie's entire anti-coffee break speech using George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Eisenhower

Don't let this go to your head, but you could have your way with me.

Top of the morning! / It's 5:00 p.m., clam brain.

It's okay, Louie? / You bet, Latka. But this counts as your vacation.

Somebody shut the doors or this place is going to be crawling with flies.

It's bad enough you're leaving the company, but you're running out on America, too.

Louie giving Latka money and telling him to take care of himself after publicly berating him

Why don't you come and join the party? / No, no. / Hey, Louie... you'd make us all feel miserable if you did. / Okay.

I got two models... The one-buck model and the ten-buck. What's the difference? The ten-buck takes me longer to pick.

You could have taken some time with that.

Cascading... cascades... cascading water... a waterfall... clouds... lots of them, white and puffy. You know, clouds... And flowers covered with dew, and trees hanging over, and you and me naked on a rock.

This close to the promised land.

Look at Reiger and Ignatowski. They think you're serious. She loves me. I am serious.

On the floor! What a sense of humor! Stop it, Louie. You're making a jackass of yourself.

You mean, no more... slave girl and the emperor.

I'm a tough habit to break. You're a Louie addict. Nobody's been able to do it cold turkey.

Somebody get Sleeping Beauty out of here before I attach his tongue to a battery charger.

He's omed out.

Why? Because it's a fire drill. If you don't get out, you're all fired.

You can spare another human being two minutes of your time. Yes, but how does that relate to this conversation?

Just the other day, I was thinking about kids and about a home and settling down, and suddenly, for the first time in my life, all those things didn't make me nauseous.

He's an exterminator? He's a minister.

I hope that Zena is as attractive as you in 60 years.

That was some joke! Yes... I'm bunching up phlegm, here, it was so good.

You can stand me up for God anytime.

It's just that her antenna doesn't pick up every channel, if you know what I mean.

Like the other night, she's laying in the bathtub... That's a mighty big bass you've got there, Mr. Sherman.

In fact, my cousin Guido probably had his feet in this a couple of weeks ago.

I hope we don't have to have a race to the can after dinner.

But Zena is the first non-pro I've ever been out with.

Before I met Zena, the longest relationship I ever had was 30 minutes.

You know what I'm talking about, huh, padre?

This tomato is the best thing that ever happened to Louie De Palma.

Do I have a choice?

I'm sorry, Beth, I already have a girl.

You can hire people to do that for you, can't you? Yeah. Now, what do you call them? Hit men.

You can hire people to do that for you, can't you? Yeah. Now, what do you call them? Hit men.

Switch with me. Huh? Switch with me. Why? Just do it.

No, no, we... No. No.

Louie's loan has 85% interest and allows him to sell Jim's body for medical experiments while alive

'You mean after I'm dead.' 'No.'

Everyone's reaction to seeing a racehorse in the garage

Louie's insult about the ugly, smelly, dirty creature and telling him to take his horse with him

Louie's Easter seals follow-up to the glue joke

Louie asks Jim to do his mother's eulogy, saying he wouldn't need to change the words much

You coming into my garage, you gonna leave me a dollar deposit.

It's non-refundable. That's okay, as long as I get it back.

Nice shot of the wheelchair, ain't it?

Sure, you've come this far without a brain.

I look over at my sofa, I see the Rodriguez fight. I look over at my armchair, I see the Jefferson fight. My little end tables are the Camillio brothers.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, let's make that a 27-inch. Ma's eyes ain't what they used to be.

We all know that when a loser wants to win, naturally he loses. It's a law of the universe. Banta's proven this time and time again. But... when a loser wants to lose...

Hey, Wheeler, I brought you some Rolaids.

You're my favorite. And I'm not just saying that because you've got great bagonzas.

Nice going, dough-brain. You just blew your biggest booking night in six months.

So could a good sneeze.

Sounds like a pro.

You mean he gave you an out?

Beat it, rejects. Come on, come on, get out of here. This ain't no coffee klatsch. Come on, hyah! Hyah!

You like to go with boss man make big, shiny new quarter?

There's only three reasons to leave work early. Loss of limb, excessive bleeding, and heart attack. And heart attack is a judgment call I make.

Latka, if I left the garage every time my spokes needed greasing, I'd never get any work done.

Ha! You report me to the board of labor relations, and I'll fire you. / You fire me, and I'll report you to the union. / You report me to the union, and I'll see to it that you get a rotten cab out of this garage every night. / You give me a rotten cab out of the garage every night, and I'll report you to the hack bureau. / You report me to the hack bureau, and I'll kick you in the shin. / You kick me in the shin, and I'll kick you where you live.

Get out of here, Latka.

If she can find it.

Which foot was yours? / The one on the far left. / I should have known... The one that was overacting.

No, he doesn't live here anymore. I do! Get out of here! I live here! I live here!

Wheeler's sleeping with his manager!

I'm glad you've finally figured it out that you're not going to get there on your talent.

Wheeler, cab 544!

For a minute there I thought I forgot to close the old porthole.

I thought most of these people were just about as ugly as they could get.

I'm going to write out a report. / Aw, come on! That never works! / Don't try to talk me out of it!

I am going to issue 'drive defensively' stickers.

Go blow-dry your face.

Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin.

Hah-hah! Hah-hah!

unless, of course, Nardo wants to beat them out of me.

Just what I was afraid of... They're getting organized.

And now that you're the shop steward, I'm sure you're going to want to spend time down there yourself.

I saw Jersey Joe Walcott in there the other night.

It's called the monsoon. It's days before your sky is clear.

Oh, no, no, no! Oh, no, not a strike! Oh, fie!

Daily News! Daily News! Hey, kid! You want to make some big bucks?

And remember... The big pedal's the brake.

remember, red means 'stop,' green means 'go.'

It's just not working for non-employees.

3:00 yesterday.

Well, I would've given it to you yesterday, but then I would have had to cross the picket line. You know how I feel about the sanctity of picket lines.

While you lame-os are out there playing in the snow, I'm in here, doing a little plastic surgery on the books.

Hey, Iggy. / Yo. / The Sunshine Cab Company spends more on maintenance than any other company in the city. / Our strike worked.

Boy, did we eat a lot of hot dogs at that picnic, but it was for a good cause.

I just hope He forgives you. / Mackenzie? He's ready to erect a statue to me. You kidding? / No, no, no, I don't mean Mackenzie.

You know what that means? / Yeah. It means they got to believe you. I love this country.

Yeah. It means they got to believe you. I love this country.

Well, every great businessman has had to do that. Besides, he understands what's going on. He's a man of the world.

Besides, he understands what's going on. He's a man of the world.

Sister Porchnik.

You and me, for four days in a mountain cabin, with no one but the furry creatures of the woods to hear our screams of ecstasy.

within the hearing of at least two other people, you must call me 'Stallion.'

Except 'Stallion.' / Especially 'Stallion.'

You're taking advantage of something that's decent in me to satisfy some indecent needs of your own. How does that make you feel? / Horny as all get out.

Go blow-dry your face.

How does that make you feel? / Horny as all get-out.

In a couple of hours, it's going to be ripped from my body.

Open the door and feast your eyes on a 150 pounds of hickey bait!

My intentions, Rieger, are to take a trip around the moon.

There's not a man, woman, or child that we're going to bump into tonight who isn't on my payroll.

Nardo, you look like Nanook of the North.

It will take the coroner a week to pry the grin off my face.

Tell them hi from Uncle Lou.

The ice is broken.

'Better is a poor and wise child than an old and foolish king.'

Now, let's tear up this piece of paper and dance, stallion.

I spent all morning taking lessons from a gay Spanish guy.

Play, savages!

I thought something like that would kill a person. / So did I.

The least you could have done was strip down to your dress.

All I wanted was to have one classy evening in my life

The final kiss and Louie's reaction

I'm so bored, I got nothing better to do than to sit here and talk with you losers.

Cabs without brakes to anybody who laughs.

Hot dog! Sign right there.

A man's got to do what a man's got to do.

I got $50,000 riding on this, and I still hope you don't die.

I got $50,000 riding on this, and I still hope you don't die.

I have one very firm rule in my life: I don't eat at the same table, bet on the same side, or climb on the same airplane as losers.

Be gone, Iggy.

You must all promise to keep me informed of your flight plans.

Can he eat solid food? Does he recognize visitors? Is he on any machines? I mean, is there a plug somebody might accidentally... Whoop! Trip over?

buying one of the old geezer's paintings is like betting he's going to die. We can't lose.

I'll just sit over here turn my back away and, uh, you know, you just pretend I'm not in the room, and I'll respect the confidentiality of your discussion.

Raise it or lose it, Wheeler.

This is worth 2,000 bucks? ... For 2,000 bucks, you'd think they'd throw in a name.

But there's only one seat left in the front. Not for long.

Most of my assets are tied up in investments... right now all my money's in a nursing home in Jersey.

Those people don't eat three meals a day. I mean, their memories are so bad they don't know whether they had three meals or a cracker. I say let them sleep.

Yike! Whew! How did that get in here? Yuck! Ugh!

I got one for it. How about 'Garbage'?

One hundred bucks, and that's my final offer!

You're getting on my nerves!

You better hope you don't spend your twilight years at Sunset Acres!

Look at your nice suit...! You probably got a maid and a butler! You got maids, you got everything!

But, you know, if you guys were at Normandy, we'd all be eating strudel right now.

Hey, there, cookie. I want one of your classiest things here... Something by... Vincent Van Patten, or one of those guys.

Louie's response: 'Envy is an ugly emotion, Rieger'

Louie: 'I don't think you're a dumb boxer.' Tony: 'You don't, Lou?' Louie: 'No. I think you're a bad boxer. I think you're a dumb person.'

Louie: 'This is tough, Banta. You could be a dumb anything.'

In Latka's fantasy, Louie gets in trouble for going to the bathroom: 'But you went to the bathroom yesterday. Is this going to be a habit with you?'

In Latka's fantasy, Louie is sentenced to execution by firing squad for not fixing cabs

Latka's fantasy ends with him saying 'Fire' for the execution just as real Louie snaps him back to reality

Louie's advice about Herve Villechaize: 'Don't give him those back. Charge him for them. You may get a reward... Come on, Banta, he's a big star. He's rolling in dough. He uses $20 bills to train his dog.'

Banta, sometimes, you're so stupid I want to cry.

In Bobby's fantasy, famous Bobby Wheeler returns to the garage but charges Louie a buck to acknowledge knowing him

Louie gives his last buck and Bobby still denies knowing him: 'I never saw the man before in my life.'

Pathetic.

Don't you know what Hollywood's like? Right now, that guy's out there surrounded by perverts, weirdos, and human garbage. Makes me glad I didn't go into show business.

Me? What would I need a fantasy for? I'm usually the object of other peoples' fantasies.

That's a mighty nasty cough you got there, Rieger. Oh, it's nothing, sir. Just a touch of double pneumonia. It's going around.

That could be bronchitis on top of pneumonia. That's what Wheeler's got, and he's dying, aren't you, Wheeler? Yes, sir. That's the spirit.

Why are you dressed like that? Because it's so warm in here. You keep it at 85.

Nardo, you're taking some of the surprise out of this.

Benji... she's going through the roof. Snoopy... through the roof.

Take a walk. All right, but just one.

Oh, well. A man can dream, can't he?

I could have got you to come in the cage if I'd have said her name, yeah.

Zena sees something in me that no other woman ever saw... That no other person ever saw... That isn't there.

You mean, like, uh, if the house looks clean I could say, 'Hey, the place looks great.' Sure. That was my idea. I thought of the words. You just said, 'talk.' I got the golden key here.

Gee, the place looks immaculate.

87 bucks for a French meal you don't want to eat, they don't want me to take home. I got to go out and find my own bags at 8:00 at night.

Boy, this place looks immaculate.

I know what'll take the tension out of you. Oh, no. No.

I'm sure you don't want to know the details. No, you don't, really.

I can't... breathe!

Someday... you're going to come back to me... Crawling on your knees, begging me to take you back... And when you do... you know what I'll say? I'll say... thank God.

The worst part about it is I kept Ma up all night too. Why was that? What do you want me to do? Talk to the walls?

What am I supposed to do, here? My life is falling apart so I should listen to stories about you? I mean, you know, let's put the little selfishness in check here.

Look out, Dwight! I think it's him.

Pump the scum! No pumping. Pump him! No pumping. Pump the scum! Just beer! Pump the scum! No! Just beer! Pump him! Pump the scum! Sit! Stay! Stay. Stay.

I'm torn between joy... and rapture.

It's what separates us from the animals.

Maybe a teeny bit.

What do you mean? / It's all you ever think about. / You mean, that's the problem?

Love... is the end of happiness. Because one day, all a guy's got to do to be happy is to watch the Mets. The next day, you got to have Zena in the room watching the Mets with you.

Here I am, back in the same old stinking, lousy, crummy, rotten relationship all over again... The same place I was in to begin with. I'll never get out from under it. Oh, Zena, you don't know how happy that makes me feel.

You want me to fan you? I don't think so, Louie. You see, I left my palm leaf back at the hut this morning.

Go ahead. Make it racial right away.

I don't allow no family get-togethers in my garage. Well, I just want to talk to him for two minutes. Give me a buck.

Well, meow.

No Vivaldi in the garage.

Louie asks Alex a normal human question, then Alex asks about Louie's cockroach problem as his reciprocal 'normal' question

A cockroach appears right after they discuss Louie's cockroach problem

Louie tells someone 'Looked like you, Iggy' about the cockroach

Banta claims 'This is America' when Louie kicks him out, Louie responds 'No, it isn't! This garage is Louie Land. You want to go to America? Go outside.'

Louie tells someone to stick around because Alex will need their 'ample bosom to cry on'

Louie delivers the devastating news that Alex's daughter is getting married and didn't invite 'the man whose glands gave her birth'

Louie's mother's wisdom: 'You're better off raising tomatoes. You can eat 'em.'

Louie trying to comfort Alex: 'Come on, it's not like it's money. Come on.'

Louie coaching Alex: 'Reel her in, Rieger. She's bitten the hook. Reel her in!'

Hey, hey. Who are you? Kirk Bradshaw. And who are you? In here, God.

How far did you get? Come on. Come on, a little guy-talk here. Did you hit a home run?

Well, some friend you are, Kirk.

The one on the left's the brake. The one on the right's the gas.

You pick me or your butt's flying out of here.

My paisano.

You're my favorite, Banta!

I don't care what you say. I would never dance with that guy. No, not you, you little heartbreaker.

Ignatowski's got a father? There goes my spore theory.

Cockroach at 10:00. Oh, my God! That's the biggest cockroach I've ever seen!

That's a man-eater.

I hit him dead center with everything I had, and he just smiled at me.

But he'll be back.

Banta, sometimes I wish you were smarter just so you'd know how dumb you are.

If he could see over a dashboard, I'd have this one driving a cab.

when I catch this one, I'm gonna fix you up with it.

I put hamburger meat on the end of this. When he nibbles... Yank his head off.

He's got hairy legs. He's got bloodshot eyes, Rieger.

He's got hairy legs. He's got bloodshot eyes, Rieger.

You were great. You were brilliant. It was a very good performance. Thanks, Louie. I'm not talking about you, ham hock. I'm talking about this little show your friends are putting on.

What would the two of you do up in the mountains for a whole week? Mountain stuff.

All right. I'd like to get some money down on the elements.

I yearn for the wide-open spaces. Try looking between your ears.

I always thought so.

I always thought so.

Do you have the correct time? My watch stopped. / The correct time is you're eight minutes late.

Do you think that helping someone who was almost killed in an automobile accident is a good excuse? / No. / Then you're going to hate mine.

You're warning me when I'm warning you? / I am warning you. / Yeah? You're warning me? / Yes. I am quitting.

You cannot fire me if I am going to quit. / No, no, no. You can't quit because I'm firing you! / But you cannot fire me if I quit first. / I quit! You're fired!

It doesn't matter who says it first. It's who says it loudest. You're fired! / You're fired! You're fired! You're fired! / I quit! I quit! I quit!

I'm fired. / You quit! / Thank you very much.

The engine's back together. Got a few pieces left over. / Close enough.

He quit! / I had gas I miss more than the guy I fired. / He quit!

You didn't happen to run into your brains while you were out there, did you? / No, but I wasn't really looking.

They were baked by a guy I fired. / He quit!

Police are on the phone, Louie. / Tell them to mind their own business.

I have verifiable proof of the existence of God. / Later, later... This stuff gets flat.

Look at Banta, here. He's eaten a billion of them. There's nothing the matter with him. Tony, how you feeling? / I'm fine.

have I ever told you that you have a magnificent telephone voice?

Uh, well, have I told you today?

I was under the impression you liked it kissed.

Ignatowski, why don't you try renting out that vacant lot between your ears?

I hope that you and that bloated gasbag patch up that little tiff you're having.

I mean... he vanishes. Like he was never born.

either you or Wheeler are doomed. I'm hoping she notices Wheeler's got the better nose.

he died with a smile on what was left of his face.

If I wasn't about to die, I'd be sick.

There is no way in the world that you are going to seduce me. I want you!

He can't stand the sight of you. Then I'll have his woman.

Both of them?

That's 'Pleasuree.' It's very expensive. Oh, it should be. Poor people shouldn't smell like that.

If we lose each other, I'll meet you at the headboard.

I have a war wound. What war? I can't remember. I had my memory shot off.

God knows, I hate to interrupt the important conversations I know you're all having

What is that, 'Mulch'? Mulcher? Melcher. Terrible handwriting. Nerves go first, huh, Maxie?

A lovely calendar depicting 12 different scenes of American highways. Use it in good health.

Rodriguez, 993. Murphy... Louie... Beat it, Max.

Look, uh, Jeff, if anybody wants me, I'll be in the library.

Latka! What the hell is this, Iwo Jima?

Ten bucks, Wheeler.

Oh! A pen! Good. Good. Hey, Iggy! Look, I got a pen.

You again. Everywhere I go, he's there.

People you run over are better off than you.

What obedience school was that, Bobby?

That's because you could take your brains out and pass 'em around the room.

Hey, Elaine, it's that Mary Parker. You know, the woman whose life is so much better than yours.

♪ Happy birthday, crazy lady ♪

I made a fortune betting against you.

She's starting not to look like one.

Years.

Must have got it in a fire sale. That and the suit he's wearing. Does he work in there, or is he just on display?

You've been called 'sir' for the last time.

What was my best night? You once broke $12.

Well, you're on the right track. You've already made a perfect ass of yourself.

but he'll answer to Waterhead... uh... Mr. Halloween... The Fog... or hey, Scuzzo.

Three hundred and seventy-three dollars?

Fifteen dollars?! I was only kidding, boss. Ah! Oh! That one's on you, boss!

We're like Roy and Trigger.

Below that, you have your lice, your pond scum... your Wheelers.

What about me, Louie? I stand corrected.

What happens when it showers? / Big bookings are ours. / And what happens when it rains? / Monetary gains.

What happens when it drizzles? / Shut up, Ignatowski.

What happens when it drizzles? / Shut up, Ignatowski.

I put my mother in a rest home so I am having a lavish party at my now bachelor pad and none of you cab drivers are invited.

I'm really sorry that none of you can make it. / What time should I be there, Louie?

Any time you want, Latka. As soon as you get there I'm throwing your foreign butt down the stairs. / Well, in that case, I might be a little late.

Louie, eat your dinner. / Louie, turn down the television. / Louie, don't use the doilies to clean the beer off your chin.

You mean you didn't go in and check the place out? / What the hell do I look like, Mike Wallace?

There's a city full of mildewing people out there just dying to snuggle up next to you.

The way I figure it, Rieger, you're the only guy in this garage who won't embarrass me in front of my friends.

Make sure you don't have any holes in your shorts, if you know what I mean.

Boy, the stories were just flying around here a minute ago. Hey, Lyle, tell Alex the one about how you woke up in the morning and your gums were bleeding.

Got to go. / Where you going? / We got another party.

Boy! What an evening! Oh, gosh, it's great to know guys you can get silly with like that. I'm probably not going to remember any of this in the morning.

You don't like being here alone, do you, Louie? / What, are you kidding? I've been waiting for this all my life, Rieger. I love being alone.

Look at this stuff. Geez! Look. This stupid tea cup. Her little shawl. She left her little shoes here. Look at her little shoes, Alex.

She left her little shoes here. Look at her little shoes, Alex. / No, no. / One shoe. / Come on. / No.

She burned my dinner. I called her a name, she called me a name and then I hid her teeth.

We had that same old argument we always have. She burned my dinner. I called her a name, she called me a name and then I hid her teeth.

If anybody's going to do any calling it's going to be her because a man never begs. Ma taught me that.

I lost ma.

If you're inviting me out like a guy invites his buddy for a drink, that's okay, but if you're doing this out of pity, well, let's forget it. / It's pity, Lou. / Well, a beer's a beer.

What are you staring at? Get your stupid eyes off me.

What, are you kidding, Rieger? I'm on top of the world, sitting on a rainbow.

Lyle shot Huey. / He shot him? / Yeah. It was an accident. / He just wounded him. / Oh. / Six times.

I don't want to say you're ugly, but you know... / Don't press your luck, Latka.

Don't press your luck, Latka. / Okay, Louie. I'm sorry. Boy, I was cooking.

Look, Lou, do me a favor, would you, and don't mention anything about your mother, okay? / Okay. She's forgotten.

Jeff, you watch the cage for me here. I'm going to go play cards with the guys. I was invited.

Who raised Louie? / Ma raised Louie. / That's it. Ma raised me.

Look in that mirror. Look at that. That's you. / Is that me? / Yeah, that's you! / I'm a boob!

Get ready, world. Louie De Palma is back. Latka, I'm docking you a week's pay.

And nobody ever ask me to play cards again. Louie De Palma does not play cards with losers.

Now, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going to get my mommy.

Oh, yeah? Well, hum a few bars of this, crazy lady.

What's the matter with you? You never seen a man visiting his mother before? Get out of here.

Ma, when you're not there, it's so quiet I can hear the toilet running.

Elaine Nardo. / Well, I, I know I told you that she's nuts about me, but... but she's a little overeager.

I know I told you that she's nuts about me, but... but she's a little overeager.

All those women... I'm always telling you about that are after me... I'm making that up, Ma. I'm a lonely man, Ma. I need you there.

If I come home, will you be nice to me? / For a while.

I insist on telling everybody how wrong I was about you.

Bob has landed the lead in a major New York Broadway production.

starring role in one of the biggest cross-country tours in the history of the American Theater.

Bobby's got a teensy part with a sleazy company in three trailer parks.

How dumb do you think he is, Wheeler?

You'll be hearing the pitter-patter of little hams in the house.

Look, Janine, don't... don't listen to them. That's just a little of their crude garage humor.

Banta, I was driving cabs when you were in the third grade... Your first year in third grade.

Well, what difference does it make as long as she's okay and nobody got pictures?

where 'safety first' is our only motto.

She'll be up and doddering about any time now.

We wouldn't want to have any accidents.

Well, thanks for picking up the conversation, Rieger.

And as you can see, we also hire those less fortunate than ourselves.

No. This is her nap time.

Everything, including the gas I used when I ran her over.

Louie's math: '$100 a week... a million bucks would take... two... 200 years'

I knew it wasn't my fault!

Besides, with a nose like that you're better than a bloodhound.

Our deal's off, Aardvark nose.

I smell blood.

Don't worry. She'll get out. She'll get out of the chair. She'll get out before she hits the stairs. Don't worry. Jump out, Edith. Jump out, Edith!

Rieger, what floor are we on? The 16th.

I have no further questions, Your Honor.

I didn't know ham could keep that long under hot lights.

Fate.

This fortress... He's going to get in. No way. This is hermetically sealed, this cage.

The tires had to have treads. The brakes had to have linings.

I wonder how long it took him to come up with that one.

Tonight's the night the losers get together to share their success stories. It's going to be a short evening.

I can't stick around. I got to get back to work. I just stopped by to have a beer and gloat.

Snap this picture. Future generations are going to want an exact record of the moment that you hired your greatest salesman. Say 'cheese,' Cheese.

You don't know how to get dirty.

I was born dirty, Mr. Gray, and every day I get dirtier... and dirtier!

Go on. And dirtier!

I'm telling you, Tom, they're a fly-by-night outfit.

Hello there, sweetheart. I don't believe I've had the pleasure. We've met. That's not the pleasure I was talking about.

Tomorrow, they'll be cranking out Cheryl Tiegs by the dozens.

If you're in the half that's still around do you want to be rich or not?

Hello, Mrs. Greer? Have you decided what to do with your husband's life insurance settlement yet? Well, I noticed in the obits this morning that he died last night.

Oh, oh, oh, well, well, um, I'll call back in a... you know, after the services. All right, in the meantime, think chemicals and electronics.

Hello, Myron Schwartz? This is your cousin, Louis Ginzberg. No, I was at your wedding. We met behind the chopped liver.

Oh, well, is your mommy home? No? Well, do you know where your mommy keeps her checkbook?

Everybody makes noises when they eat. Everybody makes eating noises when they eat. Yours are not eating noises. Yours are not... human noises.

What you call disgusting, I call selling!

I couldn't agree more. [Steals something from the desk]

So long, loser.

I waited till everybody was over at Mario's because I didn't want to take any more razzing over this.

This is the biggest cockroach in the world... I'm telling you, he barks at the mailman.

♪ No bugs allowed ♪ ♪ No bugs allowed. ♪

You look like a foreign banana.

To you, he gave smarts. Banta's got muscle. Nardo's got knobs.

God gave me the power to spot what everybody else has got.

When you first look at Ignatowski, you figure this guy must have caught God on a bad day.

Louie gives Alex a blessing by making random gestures and mumbling

Sunshine Cab. He just walked out the door. Can I take a message?

You got a 104 degree temperature and projectile vomiting? He's had worse dates.

It's happening!

Ignatowski's a boob.

Now you did it! I almost apologized!

Reiger, did you see it? It was hideous!

Louie, it was a little girl selling sugar cookies. My favorite.

If Elaine Nardo doesn't care enough to tell us personally, then to hell with her.

Who didn't clean the puke out of cab 415? And yet...

Louie: 'I kiss the day you went off your nut, Alex'

Louie: 'Funnier than you'

Louie calculating odds: 'Gotta be three to one' for same name, garage, psychiatrist coincidence

As soon as that helpless little mouse scurries across the floor, you know who's gonna be standing on that table, screeching like a banshee, don't you?

You always know how to appeal to my finer instincts, Nardo.

Don't get encouraged, Nardo. Just because Banta fell for it, doesn't mean a mouse will.

I could flush you. Send you bodysurfing down the tubes. A little sewer snack for some alligator.

Just my luck you're a baby.

Tails! Surf's up!

Nah, I was only kiddin'. It's heads.

You'll be driving an old woman and a sick husky to the vet. Hudson and Jane Street.

Mush, mush! Over and out.

Yeah, yeah, tough break.

What? What? Shh! Louis! I said, 'Shh,' not shut up.

Sure you don't want something to wash down the goofballs?

I'm going for numb. Here, numb up, numb up, numb up.

And now a word from our sponsor...

I'm missing the swimsuits.

After being dumped, seeing the catch you got is like rubbing salt in the wounds.

Miss Barbados is gonna play the French horn.

Alex, this bit of emotional wreckage is Emily

It's okay, Reiger, she's scrambled eggs.

You know, you got an ashtray back there.

Not one big enough for you.

Let it all out. Have yourself a good cry, but do it outside. You're on the meter in here.

What are we, Knights of the Round Table? Walk her!

This is the worst Miss Universe night I ever spent.

We all make asses of ourselves.

I think perhaps Mark Twain put it best when he said, 'A friend is somebody who, who laughs at our jokes when they're not so good and who sympathizes with our troubles when they're not so bad.'

Yeah, but who slipped it into the conversation?

There she was, dejected, desperate and stoned. Everything I could hope for in a woman.

I stand humble in the promised land with a babe on each arm.

Follow those dreams. Chase those rainbows. Climb every mountain and ye shall be rewarded.

Suck rope, bean brain.

We took a hammock ride.

Me? You're getting mad at me, the victim?

She's a temptress. I didn't know what hit me.

Zena, do you want those to be the last words we ever say to each other? No. You're garbage!

In the light of day, you're gross and disgusting. So what?

Uh, some of the finest things in life are repulsive at first. Uh, look, look at caviar.

I lost Zena, and Emily sobered up.

A woman with a heart as big as a pig.

I talked baby talk to her. I said... I even said, 'I wuv you.'

I knew if I cried some crocodile tears, I could get your mind working for me, Reiger.

The tears were real.

Louie's jury peer joke: 'Who are they tryin', a pinhead?'

Louie's elaborate jury scenario ending with 'there's Banta playin' with his lips'

'Smooth, Reiger, smooth' - Louie's sarcastic commentary

'Reiger's on thin ice, and I'm a blow torch' - Louie's metaphor

Louie's wine metaphor buildup: 'It's like a fine wine. First, we should uncork it...'

'to share a woman... with his own father' - Louie's revelation

Life Begins At 70

All right, the whole club consists of three women, two men, and somebody so shriveled up, it's anybody's guess.

Well, it may look like that to you, Reiger, because you're a little closer to the bucket.

This one time, they had a guy come in who found a rock, and he talked about it for an hour and a half.

I mean, I'm sweaty, I'm tired, I smell like a goat.

They're staring out into space like this. I thought they were dead.

It turns out, they're smitten.

Hey, schizo?

Marriage? Check, please.

The guy she wants to marry... is Japanese!

She cried a little bit, put a minor curse on me...

Companionship. Companionship. Is that all you old people ever think about?

Up, up. Up. Bow, bow.

Smoke your brains out, crazy lady.

He's pillowed half the Orient.

I don't have a mother anymore.

Even if my wife, Fleurette, didn't want me to.

All right, I'm a romantic. So sue me.

Everybody's sympathizing with her 'cause she's got the gray hair, the little, little face and that cute little walk.

She cooked my food, cleaned my clothes, she clipped my toenails.

Because no matter what happens at that wedding, no matter what disgusting and revolting thing that I might do, it's your fault.

He brought the whole family.

She looks like a scarecrow in a rice paddy.

I give you my blessing.

I give you my blessing.

Well, if it isn't Nurse Ratched. What are you doing here? Who's watching little cuckoo's nest?

I used to be hard of hearing, but now that you touched me, I can hear again.

She's doing it again, folks. I love my cage. I think of it as a window on the world.

Louie walking away on command as Elaine describes Alex following her

He walks to his mailbox now. Oh. Mm-hmm. On command?

Just my luck. Nothing to throw away.

Nardo, help me. I got a phobia about getting naked.

This is an expensive vintage wine that I got from one of my first fares in 1957.

This sure ain't it. I wouldn't break out a bottle of Yoo-hoo for this one.

We've all trusted skirts. We've all paid.

The man who gave me this bottle of wine was a man that women loved. His name was Errol Flynn.

Better than beautiful women. Cheap women.

So, what could I do? Me and the two babes rolled him.

Then they put the knife to my throat and sold me the bottle of wine for $184.

What chance does an anteater like you have?

You all like Ignatowski? Shut up or he's a cocker spaniel.

She's not guys.

I want Houston and Oakland.

Hut, hut, hut, hut. Hut.

Go back to merry old nutland.

Go back to merry old nutland.

My grandmother could've kicked it better than that dumb Rumanian!

My life is manure!

Would you feel better if I gave you the money you just lost? Of course I would. Well, too bad. I don't have it.

You pulled my ear. I pulled your leg.

I got $5,200 in cash, Reiger. I got $2,400 here, I got $2,400 here, I got a hundred dollars here and a hundred dollars here and $200 in Chase Manhattan.

How long's Banta been training him? A couple of weeks. Please!

They're gone, God. Let's talk bucks! Bucks!

Take it and die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die with festering boil. Die! Die! Die!

Hey, the granola man is into physical culture.

I've got one word for you that's gonna make your body say merci beaucoup. Jazzercise.

In its purest form, it's just you and 25 ladies stretching, twisting and sweating.

And then you need a friend who's not gonna be embarrassed to take you with him. Good luck.

I'm only kidding, Jimbo. Hey, listen, every man needs a cause, and you're mine.

♪ A pretty girl ♪ ♪ Is like a melody... ♪

Because I'm hurt. I'm hurt that you would even think that I could do such an awful thing.

I'm innocent as a lamb.

I can't look you in the eye, Iggy, because Nardo just stuck a finger in this one. But I didn't do it.

Hey, who's the toots?

Hey, I saw her first, Reiger.

Might I suggest a spanking?

You know, I'm still gonna have to, uh, testify against you. Give me that! You got 4-13, the widow maker.

I should be talking to the banana.

You lost the battle, huh? Nope. You lost your job.

You never liked me, and I never liked you. I'm going out there, and I'm going to claw, backstab, lie, cheat, walk all over people, do whatever I have to, to get to the top of this dung heap we call a life.

Hi. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

If you don't listen to me, I'll kill myself. I swear I will... I'll kill myself. Oh, no, you won't... you are not the kind of person who takes his own life. Unfortunately.

He didn't give his name. Oh, get out of my way.

I'm going to the unemployment line. I'm going there with the derelicts, the washouts, the scuzzos.

Hey, I'm the one he liked.

It's wrong because we're not supposed to peek at girls without their clothes on.

You mean... if I understood what was wrong with what I did, then you'd forgive me and give me my job back? But you won't understand. But what if I did?

Thank God I watched that Donahue show about broads.

Twice a year, I... I have to go get new clothes, and, uh, I, uh... the only way that I can... the only way I can get anything to fit me is, uh... I have to go to, uh, a men's store and walk straight to the boys' department and ask if... they have anything in the husky sizes.

Twice a year, I have to go get new clothes, and, uh, the only way I can get anything to fit me is... I have to go to a men's store and walk straight to the boys' department and ask if they have anything in the husky sizes. Huskies... I hate them.

I mooned her.

wearing your new corduroys, making that noise.

And then, all the parents tell their kids... not to stare.

Is that the way I made you feel when I peeked? Kind of.

Is that the way I made you feel when I peeked? Kind of.

You get tired of salami.

Judas!

You know that special twinkle he's got in his eye? Yeah. Well, it was gone, as gone as your brain.

Well, thanks, Confucius.

Welcome to Louie's Doom Room.

not these foreigners they got now.

What good is money in the bank, Nardo, when you're a radioactive pretzel?

I need him to convince the black hordes I'm cool.

When you're up to your pretty, dimpled cheeks in rubble

That's disgusting! But memorable.

Yes, Iggy, I was thinking of you... the last time I stepped on a snail in my bare feet.

Trust me, Iggy, you'll never know the difference.

But it wouldn't work, because he'd vie with me for leadership of the group. Besides, he'd use up too much oxygen.

Someone with a lot of muscle, and a single-digit I.Q.

I think it sounds like fun. That's my boy.

It's got pictures in there.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah? Is that what you think? Yeah?! Yeah. Yeah, yeah! You do think that? Yeah. Yeah, well, I'm going to show you, Reiger.

It's an atomic blast that starts an earthquake, setting off civil rioting.

Are we talking about a, a little adorable muppet?

golden ringlets, just a hint of a lisp?

She's buzzard bait.

Good-bye to the world as we... No, no, no... figure of speech.

These here have the nutritional equivalent of an entire egg breakfast.

I haven't got the faculty of Harvard in here as it is.

there's nothing out there; no air, no water, no food, just total devastation.

I was done in by a soft heart.

When the end comes, I'll be nothing but a charcoal briquette.

Did you say something, Reiger? Ah, no, no, no, no, I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

You sweet, little tender rascal, you.

Louie's backhanded welcome: 'If I'd have known you were coming, I'd have baked a ham'

Louie's 'You never came here to work, Wheeler'

Louie's Gettysburg joke: 'If he was at Gettysburg, we'd be singing Dixie before ball games'

Louie: 'If you held a gun to his head, Wheeler couldn't act nervous'

Louie: 'The highest priced seats are near the exits'

Louie: 'They have to put sick bags behind the seats'

Louie: 'Couldn't I just take out my appendix with a warm spoon?'

Louie: 'And then I'll go down and sprinkle rock salt where hell froze over'

Louie's drunken 'You ain't seen porfnig yet'

You probably are talented, because you're getting out of this place. It's something I gave up on a long time ago.

Louie's delayed reaction and then explosive laughter: 'That's the funniest thing I ever heard'

That puts you on our 'A' list.

I got my good side and I got my bad side. Yeah, his good side is he's never bombed the children's hospital.

You gonna listen to me or you gonna stand there looking contemporary?

There are no men and women in this garage. Only hacks who ferry frightened citizens around a diseased city.

Let's see, uh, you got cab 404. That's got no springs and no heater. We call it Old Whip 'n' Chill.

I've never said this before, miss, but wacka, wacka, wacka!

We got matching shoes in there.

With her skinny body and your nose, they'd spend their whole lives falling on their faces.

I'm not a sentimental man, but each day when I look into this envelope, I get all misty.

I'm not a sentimental man, but each day when I look into this envelope, I get all misty.

What are you going to be, a door-to-door simpleton?

That's great, Banta. You be nice to her, and maybe she'll let you walk her poodles. Be real nice to her, maybe she'll let you eat with them.

Banta, this is touching a chord in my heart.

When she did a grand jete, it could make you cry.

I know a spot on a woman's body that turns her to jelly.

Well, if that works so great for you, Louie, why aren't you constantly surrounded by beautiful women? Because it's not an easy spot to get to.

Take off your right shoe, Nardo. Drop dead. See, I told you it was a tough spot to get to.

Who else is gonna tell her that he's become the Three Faces of Weird?

I was talking about the gentleman who suffers from...

Elaine, you know what it feels like to be used, taken advantage of and then thrown away like an old shoe? Does she.

Do you like Little League? Yes. Do you like soccer? Yes. You like jail? No!

Terry, uh, what's your last name? I forget. No question he's a match for Banta.

I called the cops. The police. Thumbscrews. Batons.

Yeah, you see that, kid? Tell us your name before your brain sprouts fungus.

So what? So you're big, so you're black, so you got a badge, so you got a gun. I'm a dead man.

It's our duty to sound them out about a reward.

Well, you're kind of cute. / I was afraid there for a moment you wouldn't notice.

I love divorced women. I love women who just broke up with guys. I live on the rebound. I love the rebound. I am the rebound.

You want desperate women? Desperate, desperate, women? I know where to go where there are girls who just failed their bar exam.

The greatest date I ever had was with a girl who flunked the police academy because she couldn't do 12 push-ups. At least, not on the exam.

Pearls.

No. Good.

you're also really easy on the blinkers.

But I didn't say when.

this would be my first and last chance to ever spend even a little time with a really elegant woman.

this may be a sewer, but that doesn't mean it can't have its daisies.

I was afraid there for a moment you wouldn't notice.

Maybe I shouldn't do this, you know? / I hope I'm not dreaming.

Bingo!

The answer is right under your nose, but then again, what isn't?

I remember once you got mad because I used your comb.

canapés... and oxygen.

and they are sending up champagne... canapés... and oxygen.

I have my own form of exercise. Ee-ee, ee-ee, ee-ee.

I have my own form of exercise. Ee-ee, ee-ee, ee-ee.

What are you, some kind of weirdo?

Am I crazy? I get a kick out of that guy.

Close.

Iggy! You're a somewhat compulsive personality. Step forward.

Yum, yum, yum, yum. Yum, yum, yum, yum.

I haven't seen a mess like that since somebody stuck a firecracker up my Uncle Emilio's parrot.

What insults? I loved that bird.

I look forward to seeing you every day, like some palookas look forward to a sunrise.

If a man assaulted her body, he'd go to jail. If a man desecrated a work of art... In the clink.

Reiger, you've seen his fights. There's not a court in the land that would buy that one.

Even you can take a hairdresser. Was he big?

every time you hear the laughter of kids... every time a policeman's horse shies up

Beautiful! Like a parrot.

Is this the big date you were getting ready for?

She may be better than you, but I ain't.

Why would you want to be Miss America? / To help mankind throughout the world and to uphold the ideals of the Miss America pageant! / You yutz!

No, I mean how, you old bat.

Well, uh, if he liked the park so much, why don't you just leave him where he is?

Either way, it's heartbreak hotel for Iggy.

Do what you have to do, but do it gentle... and quick.

simply laugh knowingly and walk away.

Are you visiting the garage, or am I on The Merv Griffin show?

'Cause I have a story that Merv would've loved.

Be it ever so humble, there's no place like hell.

I am married, Louie. Well, hey, congratulations! When did this happen? About 11 years ago.

Oh, Iggy, I'm home! What are you cooking?

My Time Life books on the great lizards.

My Time Life books on the great lizards.

I'm salivating. Ha, I'm actually salivating.

Does it mean you love me again? I didn't love you before.

That's why you're a cabdriver, Reiger. If I fill this check out for a million bucks, his dad would never cover it. But there is a figure, an exact figure...

If I say 45, he'll say 46... So, we rule out the 40s.

27,000! 27! It's what I said the first time! 27. Tell him 27. 27,000. 29,000. 540.

Damn it! That kiss is gonna happen sometimes, and you know it.

Well, that's one strike against it.

Nardo, you're wasting your time listening to Profiles in Sewage here.

Hey, what were you doing, Louie? / I was a cabdriver.

Top o' the morning to you, Louie. / Cram it up your bagpipe.

Your wife's peach slop gives me the trots.

Oh, you don't know how relieved I am.

Now, why would a person want to blast their voice over a loudspeaker when they could talk to them very...

is gonna be squandering his precious talent sitting in a cage doing a job a chimpanzee could do.

How's that? / Yeah, who's gonna bring the Bromo?

Did he say he'd wipe your nose for you, too? Beat it! This job stinks enough without being a baby-sitter.

Five bucks for a cab with a heater?

Thanks for spoiling the ending, Reiger!

He became a crosswalk guard.

Give me a buck.

but you gained one thing. / Me and death cab 412.

And I shall puke my guts out... if you don't knock it off

Shloogel.

How come my date's blind? / Glaucoma

The thought did cross my mind.

No, I'm serious

Archery?

More wine? / Ah, no thanks. I'll just finish what I have in my glass. / Oh, okay.

Good ears, good ears

Before you know it, she'll be taking me home to meet the dog

Hey, Perez, didn't I just tell you a couple of days ago that your father died? What? Oh, Perez, I meant to, uh... Oh...

Look, take the rest of the day off... Look, Perez, the Lord works in mysterious ways.

Garcia? You told Perez.

Ah, no!

A cake donut?! Oh. Jeff! This man is an attorney. Give me that box. Eight years of school. Here. A maple log.

I beg your pardon. I couldn't help overhearing.

Boss, if you feel like that about me, who cares about the money? Shut up, you idiot!

You think maybe you could stand one behind the other? Oh, sure. Oh, thanks.

Nardo, it looks like Reiger's gone to the harp farm.

Oh, great, Reiger, you're alive! Thank God!

Oh, good, Nardo, good. Oh, good. Oh, take care of me, Nardo. Oh, good. Oh... Yeah, yeah, Nardo. Yeah, yeah... Take care of me, Nardo. Yeah, Nardo...

What are you made of, what're you made of stone?

Reiger, I know a table not five minutes away from here.

Think of how proud you'd be to walk away a second time.

Seven come eleven. Baby needs a new pair of shoes. Come on. Hey, little Joe, ho-ho! Come on, fever, fever.

It's a good thing you got rid of her. She's a bad influence.

Reiger, I'm not ashamed to say I love you.

I'd rather go home and lay all this money on my bed and get naked and roll around in it until it sticks to my sweaty body.

She's doomed.

Baby, you're the greatest.

Watch out, Grandma.

With Nardo and Banta and Dancer and Prancer... Oh, excuse me. I'm a little giddy.

Hey, Louie, Louie, Louie! What? Aren't you forgetting something? I've never seen you go up and visit the boss without bringing some token of your esteem.

Jeff, uh, give me the golf balls. You already gave him the golf balls, Lou.

How about you sit here?

You mean you kept all that money? Yeah. Oh... now I know what Ratledge is so hot about.

But you didn't.

Yeah... that's what makes letting you go so painful.

You know Ratledge... I mean, one minute he's a maniac, the next minute, he's a pussycat.

Jeff, I'm worried you're going into this with a bad attitude.

I don't want your dirty money. Great! I wouldn't respect you if you took it.

You bit the hand that fed you. Now, if it was up to me, you would be going straight to jail.

In a few days... we'll all be missing old Jeff. Not me. Me, either. Oh, no.

Jeff was special. He was like a son to me; a beautiful, black son.

You... you speak English? Yeah. You've just been promoted. Get in the cage.

I told them I was your attorney.

Look, prison is not such a bad place. I mean, they give you a bed. They give you food. They give you a toilet. That's pretty much life as we know it, Jeff.

You'd have a much easier time in the joint than I would... A tasty morsel like me wouldn't last five minutes.

Jeff, what if I made a nice donation to the United Negro College Fund?

It's just that, uh, I was kicking myself the other day because I never gave you anything for the lovely Mrs. Ratledge.

It's a Norelco Ladybug shaver.

Because he likes me.

After all... I'm the thief. Enough already. Get out of here.

If you liked my confession, you're gonna love this.

Why yes, I do, sir, but I cheat on my score.

I stole... I lied... I betrayed a friend... and now I got extra money in the bank and a 9:00 tee-off time on Saturday.

Oh! I understand April in Paris. It's like having Havana cigars, a great drink of booze and being off scot-free.

Let's face it, Reiger, crime pays.

Hey, what about me, Louie? What about me, huh? Aren't you afraid I'm going to steal your stuff? I know where you're hiding it. You?! The honest man?! Nah!

You?! The honest man?! Nah!

Reiger!

I don't know. Now, what are you worried about, Latka? This is America. We got a thing here called sick pay. Oh! Oh, good, good. You pay me ten bucks, you can go home.

Don't say another word. Please, don't take the fun out of this for me. Louie... Basically, I'm a sportsman.

I give myself five minutes.

Louie's entire game setup with Iggy to extract Alex's location

I always knew that you would be the first guy to dig himself out of this slime.

He must have the cruddiest job in the world!

I will never tell anybody about what I saw.

You knew you were nothing and you were great at it.

Hey, hey, Reiger, it's like if you got a nose job. I mean, you'd be walking around with this little nose saying, 'Hi, I'm Alex Reiger.' And everybody would say, 'That's cute, but we want the real Reiger, the one with the honker down to here.'

Alex, you're an errand boy. Yeah? Well, not all the time. That's true. Sometimes you're a trash compactor!

Ooh! Egg salad!

She had an unusual quality that I love in a woman. She managed to stomach him.

She fell in love with me like that. She was tanked up on pills and booze. Somebody just dumped her.

But our love, even like the most beautiful flower, wilted and fell. She sobered up.

I'm going to go down there and sluice down that little tart until there's eye makeup running out of her shoes.

Heavily sedated, possibly suicidal?

Yeah, yeah, uh, uh, let me have something, uh, tall, cold, and sticky... Something that would be impossible to wash out of your hair.

Hello, Emily, you little pill popper.

Hold that thought.

Hey, Mac, you got a bar rag back there or something?

No chance, Sundance, uh-uh.

Because it's not you talking, it's your pharmacist.

Emily, your purse should have a childproof cap.

Gross, disgusting, delightful. Right.

♪ It had to be... ♪ ♪ Me. ♪

You've had the handsome guys. You've had, uh, the rich guys. You've had the smooth guys. You've had the, uh, sharp guys; the, uh, smart guys; the tough guys, the young guys. Well, I'm none of those.

She didn't like my overcoat.

Look, honey, I can't get the blueberries. I looked... I looked all over for the blueberries. I-I-I went every... I went 20 different places, but... No, no. Yeah, okay.

A romantic fool. No. A weenie.

One of those weenies who would do anything that a broad asked him and then say, 'Yes, dear.'

Look at her, Reiger. She's beautiful. She's beautiful!

She's beautiful! She's beautiful!

You said you love me! You said you love me.

Do-do-do... I don't think you could do it. Do-do I have to squeeze more oranges?

You're a very complicated girl, Emily.

Do we write letters?