Alex Reiger

There's got to be somebody somewhere you want to call. No, well, no, not now.

He'd give you the scales off his back.

I only work 60 hours a week.

How many times you ever see her? Ten or 20 times. How long were you in Bangkok? A day. Yeah, I think she remembers you.

My ex-husband was right. He's not the worst there is. You're a jerk. A giant jerk.

I feel like we're getting married at Annapolis.

Get off my back. Give me a minute while I go to the can.

What's her major, sardines?

Son of a... I beg your pardon?

Well, I got some bad news for you. I lost the senate race.

Well, I guess she didn't want to impress you.

Got your nose. Which is no longer your favorite joke.

But it's your driver's license. Oh. Aw, go ahead. That way you can have a picture of me, too.

I think I have your smile. Yeah? That's funny. I just got it two seconds ago.

You miss Rona Barrett one morning, you lose touch.

The escalating booking claims: $120 to $110 to $100 to $90 to $80

Haul your sweaty carcass over here this second. Did you detect mellowing?

Whoo! A threat. I heard a threat... Ooh, a threat with an explanation... A threat that worked.

Never pick up a cripple... You call them 'handicapped persons'... The people you should never pick up are handicapped persons.

You have to forgive Louie. He's himself today.

It's from everybody down at the garage except for, uh, Louie, Vince, Charlie, and Ed. They refused to cough up.

All the ones with big sleeves had Japanese paintings on them.

I in lust. What else is new?

He's so good you can look up his record.

That's longer than most of your fights last.

Yeah, I remember your voice, too even though I knew it was you. I mean, even if I didn't know it was you and I heard your voice, I would know it was you. You want to go out with me?

You could have said you were looking for another apartment. No. I was looking for this one, 3-D. It fell off when I knocked on... door.

Do you like clams oreganata with eggplant?

I once went out with a girl who pulled a knife on me, robbed me and threw me out of her car on the New Jersey turnpike. I have to think about that now as a medium date.

One of the guys told a joke.

I feel like I'm walking away from a car wreck with a person trapped inside.

I haven't been romantically involved in eight years and I'm not about to break my streak right now.

Hey, Angela, I think we had a normal moment there.

Sure, you want somebody to talk to you? Yeah. Latka.

Maybe you're not that good. Yet.

You bastard.

It's okay, I guess. Why am I being modest? I'm alone. It's perfect.

Yeah. You mean the place where you work as a receptionist.

No wonder you're down. You realized your lifelong ambition.

How can I turn down an invitation like that?

The liar's punishment is not that he is not believed but that he cannot believe anyone else. John, George Bernard Shaw said that. He did? Your father was George Bernard Shaw?

I can only imagine.

Ever heard of Betty's vodka? Gentlemen never tell.

Gentlemen never tell.

12 Cans. Canned champagne? I guess for those macho gourmets who like to crush something after a sip.

There's always the exception to the rule.

Yeah, I can see that.

I am... chicken. I don't lie for the simple reason I am afraid of getting caught.

You've been teaching him. Not me. I was going to ask for a copy myself.

It must be the way he says it.

I put out oil fires. When an oil well catches on fire they call me in to put it out.

All holocausts may look alike but each one has a personality all its own.

I sort of like fudging.

Well, actually, I had 12 wells go up at one time.

Well, I'll forgive you if you'll forgive the cheer I'm about to deafen you with.

What do you do for a living? Excuse me.

A man waits all his life for a woman like that. What's so great about her? She's the kind of woman only firefighters get.

She called me garbage.

She spit on my shoes.

I don't know with those wild stories you're telling, you know?

So, they say after divorce your life is empty and here I am watching a chug-a-lug contest.

You don't have to ask, do you? No, I guess not. The blonde. No. The one with the white blouse? No. Oh, the other one. See? You picked her out.

I don't think you have to announce everything that's happening in your body.

Say hello. No, I couldn't say that.

Let's get married.

It's witty, it's entertaining, and it's got 'married' in it. The line has everything.

You're absolutely right, Alex. Let's forget it. I can't forget it.

Alone... alone... alone... How did I get into this? All I said was, "I'm going for a beer. Does anyone want to come?"

John, that was just a line. You weren't supposed to do it.

John, do me a favor. Don't say every landmark from here to Maryland, okay?

A conservative estimate.

You know, I got a 'Dear John' once. Oh, that isn't what this is. 'Dear John...'

It's a nice letter. I read it nicely.

Why do I come here so often? I almost never have a good time.

Look at him. Hi. Okay.

If you tell me what it is you want to know whether or not she has told me then I'll tell you whether or not she has told me. I can tell she hasn't told you.

This is no snap.

Well, once you get into it.

Hup, that's it! Let's go, Lillian. Mr. Rieger. Right.

Hey, uh, Beverly... listen, I got some bad news. I went to the doctor. He told me I only had 40 years to live. I don't know what to do with all that time, so would you go out with me Saturday night?

It's because I was kidding around, huh? I have this terrible habit... I like to make girls laugh. Kitchy-kitchy... There, I did it again.

No. You mean you wouldn't go out with doctors. Hey, I have my rules, but I'm not crazy.

Louie, I'll give you a buck, you don't play that song again. Okay.

Alex, you got something on your shirt. That!

Till I stand, and you hear the rattle of $70 in change.

Haven't you heard? The news is full of it. Packs of wild dogs roaming the streets. I just thought you might want someone along to hurl his body at them.

And they say rejection isn't fun.

Alex, I'd love to come. I'd like you to come, but I know how you feel about cab drivers, and I respect you. I respect you, Beverly. I really do.

I just want to touch Sheila's hair. I've always wanted to do that ever since high school. Don't do it, Louie. Why not? What harm could it do?

Well, we got one, but ours is in the men's room.

How far did you get? / 'Dear Allen.' / That's 'Alien.'

Papers? / Zigzags?

You ever see any of the letters Latka gets from his homeland? They have postage stamps that honor barbed wire.

I don't think this is a full deck. / Doesn't make any difference. They'll never know.

They like to be called officers.

It never occurred to him to just drop it.

She's not a hooker. She's a call girl.

The church was investigated and cleared completely. / Cleared of what? / Why go into it?

'A part of me.'

Where's your friend Burns? / I want to give him a kiss.

That's why you notice I never fraternize with you drivers. / I thought that was our choice.

Why hasn't the young couple invited me to dinner? / After all you've done for them.

I am so hungry I could eat a dog. / Not quite, huh, Latka?

Eat horse? Echhh! / You'd rather eat a dog?

Please pass the salt. / No. Soon. Soon. / He likes salt.

You must give me your recipe, my dear. / It's just a salad, Latka. / You must give me recipe. / I think you'd better.

Boy, I sure love these little tomatoes. I used to hate the little guys, but then, one day, boom, I love them. Just like that. I still hate big tomatoes.

Look, I'm all out of tomato banter. Can we try something else?

You like cauliflower? I always hated cauliflower.

A little short, huh? / No, a little long.

How much do they need? / $2,500. / I don't think we know them.

Well, I've been driving 16 hours straight, I've got impossible problems, and my marriage is over. / Well, in that case, you don't look so bad.

Sounds like a nice, quiet evening. / Straight to sleep. Do you hear what I'm saying, Alex?

Gee, I always wanted one of those. A couch that converts to a high chair.

I'm saying, do you want it in cash or a check?

Alex, there's no need for you to go to the bathroom. I know how I feel. / Yes, there is. I know how I feel.

Just another day in the life of Alex Rieger, super jerk.

Just another day in the life of Alex Rieger, super jerk.

You have such an elegant way of making a point, you know that?

Yeah, I lost my bumper.

I said, 'Why is that man wearing my pajamas?'

It was nice knowing you.

What headache?

I don't feel any different then I ever felt. I seem to keep talking, you know? But I've talked before and even if I am talking more now than I usually do, I could stop anytime I want. There, I just stopped. I just stopped again.

Hi, Bobby! Hi, Elaine! Hi, John! Hi, Louie! ... Right... bye, Louie. Bye, John! Bye, Elaine! Bye, Bobby! Bye, Tony!

♪ Bye-bye, love, bye-bye, happiness ♪ ♪ Hello, loneliness ♪ ♪ I think I'm going to die. ♪

Boy, am I going to be sick tomorrow.

Ma stayed up all night crying. It was really hard on me. I'll bet. Yeah, I hated having to put her out in the hall.

No, Mrs. De Palma, I don't know why people have children.

Nicky was a difficult birth, huh? No, no, please. Mrs. De Palma, don't tell me all the medical details. I'm really not a medical man, please.

Nicky used to pull the what off flies?

Thank goodness you don't have a bigger family.

The guy who said, 'No room at the Inn.' Oh, that room clerk.

I'm reasonably sure.

You said it was your life savings, Louie. I lied... I do that sometimes.

What do you give me for a $300 watch? $80. Great, I only paid $50 for it.

You want me to bet Ma? You win? You're off the hook. You lose? You take her with you.

Three sixes, you lose. I lose? You lose! I'll have Ma packed and waiting for you.

Shea stadium, please. / There's no game tonight.

Old Ebbets field looked good even in the dark. / Lady, I didn't build the place, I just... / Well, never mind, never mind.

Hey, full moon...

That's the closest one yet, Alex. / Yeah, I think he left some rubber on the roof.

Do you do this often? / Oop! That was a question, I'm sorry.

You should have used the express line.

Got you that time, huh?

Everything is on our way.

On a Woolworth's pension?

Congratulations, Alex, you set a new record. / Well, thank you. I couldn't have done it without you.

Well, thank you. I couldn't have done it without you.

Well, don't rush into anything, Dee.

Oh, now, Dee I am not going to take $100 from you. Now, look right at me. I'm not taking $100 from you. / Oh, please don't say no. Makes me feel patronized. / Okay. You win, I lose. So why don't I feel worse?

My God, I know everybody here.

Are you kidding? / Oh, dear. I mean... I mean the one with the white carnation in his lapel.

I'll just be over here holding up the wall.

Yeah. I wonder when the government will get around to socialized Maserati tune-ups?

Call me, uh, Tandalayo.

Thanks. I like your ribs.

Uh, no, I won the Rhumba contest. I was carrying you.

Why do I sound like Joan Crawford?

About New Hampshire boxing: 'Do they have a lot of middleweights in New Hampshire?' 'Three. The guy I'm fighting just took the title away from his father.'

Alex's comment: 'You're not just fighting a champ... You're fighting a whole dynasty.'

About Bobby's sparse kitchen: 'There's only a loaf of old bread in here. We could have beer and toast.'

Phone conversation confusion about how many people are rooting for Tony, escalating from 'three of us' to 'five of us'

Visual gag: The fish floating on their backs, clearly dead

Alex's response when asked how the fish looked: 'Peaceful.'

Alex's argument to convince Tony: 'Because I think the fish would want it that way.'

The reconciliation moment: 'Wendy, Wanda.' 'Oh... I love you guys.'

Good, then I won't have to sit down.

Say hello to God, Alex. No, Louie, I don't think... Say hello. He hasn't got all day.

Well, um... he's not your best work.

I got $50 that says he can't make it through one day... Wait a minute, Bob, are you really serious? I mean, you're gonna make a bet about a man keeping his faithful oath with his God? I'll give you two to one. You're on.

Looks like you won the bet, Bob.

You believe in hell, Alex? Believe in it? I work there.

Well, Louie, maybe the best person that you can possibly be is a rat.

But we can be sure that just as He had a reason for creating snakes and lice and vermin... He had a reason for creating you, too.

Don't you love life, driver? / No, we're just good friends.

A-ha. You mean you want to go to... your place. / Desperately.

He's right, you know. You can get killed in this neighborhood. / Well, in that case, let him out.

You have women in your cab all day long. I never meet anybody. / What do you do? / I'm a United States Congressman.

Root canal by starlight.

The week before the election my opponent was convicted of murder. / But you did win. / We had to have a runoff.

Latka bowing to congressman and Alex stopping him

A woman once said to me, 'I never want to see you again as long as I live.' / That's happened to everybody. / We hadn't been introduced.

I was hoping you had an answer.

You want advice? You want to break up with Walter, fine. Just go on your own instincts, those same instincts that have gotten you this far... Divorced, poor, working nights, holding two jobs.

Oh. You're going to go to bed with him.

Right, she hadn't had a good cry in seconds.

You'll look like the rest of us.

Alex lifting Louie and carrying him around

Because... you shouldn't.

I'll find out when the next tour is.

You know, you talk very good English. / You, too.

You're welcome. / You're welcome from me, too.

He killed two years later. / Oh, I'm sorry. / Oh, you're welcome.

Oh, he was a freedom fighter shot by police? / No, he was a police shot by freedom fighter.

Well, that's me all right.

And yours fits, too. / It's not even harvest. Ha, ha.

You can take girlfriend. / What about your mother? / She don't have a girlfriend.

It's always nice to get the news from home.

It was sort of like, you know, uh, two people being at the same place at the same time, uh, together. That's all.

What if the mother, well, uh... forced herself on the guy? / Forced herself? Yeah. / I mean, what'd she do, like throw him down and pin him to the floor? / Kind of, yeah.

Just for that? / Huh? No, no, no. She flew in to see Latka.

About six-foot-three.

After we were alone for a while, she turned into an animal. / A great one.

My mother's 67 years old. / Then not do for sure.

Not even when the Dallas cheerleaders are on?

Globnik. 'To pretend or assume some event or occurrence never took place.'

Pretend what never happened? / Beats me. / Me, too.

What makes you think it was a Jew? / Oh, uh, just a hunch.

Oh, thanks. I got them on sale. You like them?

Sorry, off duty. I'll pick up the next one.

Next one that doesn't have a safety pin through his nose.

No, I don't think it is Sneezy.

Hey, everybody, I'm quitting. / What?! What for? / Well, it's very simple. I'm scared.

You're right, Louie.

You could make cheese. / Why would I want to do that? / Somebody has to.

I mean, a guy leaves the neighborhood, you see him more than when he lived next door.

With cheese.

However, on the other hand being a waiter, nobody goes like this to me.

Of course, as a cab driver, my time is my own... But of course, you know, as a cab driver, somebody goes like this to me.

Joker!

Aw, what the heck. Might as well take a chance.

He said they were very interesting, but they weren't really right for the movie. He said they were more like television.

You don't have to thank me... It'd be fun.

Tony suggests Alex 'do what you do when you were a kid' and Alex responds 'You want me to punch him?'

The extended awkward exchange where everyone looks around avoiding suggesting Louie babysit

Alex finally suggesting Louie followed by 'Nah, I don't want Jason to catch his cold'

Alex's long speech about parenting worries ending with 'All in all... it's not a bad deal'

What do you need it for? To protect me from muggers. Oh...

I should have known then.

I mean, we don't know for sure that 804 is totaled. Maybe it was just a fender bender.

Me?! Listen, no sweat. I can coach you from here on how to coach her back there.

I'm not talking to you. Oh. Push. Are you pushing? I'm pushing!

On reflection, I think I delivered that baby in 803.

I mean, who in this garage is going to introduce her to Louie? / Elaine, damn it, she's an adult

Stay close by me. He's not in a cage for nothing

It's just one date. What's the worst thing that can happen? / She could have his baby

[Louie making suggestive gesture/expression] / I don't do that / Yes, you do, you do it almost continuously

I don't even let people I like touch my hair

Whisper in my ear and you'll be whispering for life

My theory is that, since she's not a stupid person she must see some quality in Louie that we've always missed / My theory is, Zena is nuts

I have a feeling when I die, they'll put that on my stone

So why haven't we? / You mean he hasn't touched you?

I want you to do for me what you do for Bobby and Tony and the other guys / Well, I am a little short this week

20 dollars? Are you crazy? For 'her fault'?! / 20 bucks

I can't tell you how many told me, 'Louie, this is crazy, I should pay you!' / That'll be another ten

She's the first girl that ever did this to me / Don't do that / You haven't got enough money in your pocket for that one

Oh, Zena's not your first girl, she's your first nice girl / Yeah! And I can't handle it!

Break up with this lovely, warm person who obviously feels a great deal for you and spend the rest of your life floating through meaningless affairs with cheap strangers who you'll have to pay

She used to beat the heck out of me.

I'm glad you didn't make me guess.

You beg bad.

He must've realized the risks he was taking.

Yeah, I remember being really thirsty one night and you just marched right in there with a glass of water.

It was fifth grade, Dad.

Well, he is now.

You, uh, remember us? Uh, nope.

When are they going to clean those bathrooms? You were in the kitchen.

You mean the whole wedding party was nude? No, just me.

What does it mean? Uh... 'Poor guy.'

Well, what did you decide? Well, we-we, uh... we thought that-that you might like to?

I'm sleeping with the lights on tonight.

I guess we can rule out Chiclets.

Hey, is it okay if Jim comes and works here as a cab driver? Sure. Everybody works on Moonlight Bay.

I mean, if I were in space I'd be weightless. You are in space.

Where are you headed? Uptown... cabby.

Well, I went to a bad play and a short fight.

Yeah, everyone needs to loaf once in awhile.

From nowhere to almost somewhere.

You want bubbles? [BLOWS IN CHAMPAGNE]

You want bubbles?

Low bridge!

I can tell a manic-depressive, Down syndrome when I see one.

The day you were that red and white striped dress.

Hey, listen, I'm just glad that one of us had the sense to stop before we did something that we would have both remembered fondly for the rest of our lives.

You sure you're not just being humble? (Alex's sarcastic response to Bobby's claim he got the job for being good-looking)

What are the chances of that? / 50-50? / At least.

He doesn't respect my leadership. / What are you talking about? He's like everyone else here. He fears you. He pays you bribes. He hates you.

Louie, why would anyone go out of his way to deliver awful, depressing news to another human being? / Kicks.

Make it one word. / Is 'super-loser' one word?

He's losing his pants. / Don't you wish.

What's the matter with your face? / Tony, please. / Well, look at his face.

A fine, understanding, easy-going, level-headed, roll-with-the-punches kind of guy

Yeah, well, you know, if you like revivals

Ho, this day just keeps getting better by the minute. / Worked like a charm, didn't it, Rieger?

Well, Louie, the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.

Well, If they want to have pants-putting-on contest, I'm in.

Okay, okay, Tony, look, if, if my plans fall apart on Saturday and I have nothing better to do, and I, uh, feel in the mood to be humiliated, I might just drop by.

Nice kid, great sense of humor... fat.

My God, you lost a ton!

All it takes is a little, uh, confidence and, um, another nine years.

You're right, we were here all that time.

[Alex's long awkward pause when he realizes Angela means him]

Look, why don't we just go out a couple of times and, uh, you know, get to know each other better and then, uh, maybe go out again and see what happens.

Hey, Alex, aren't you just saying this because I put you on the spot and you're afraid of hurting my feelings? Yeah.

The reason I didn't go out with Wayne had nothing to do with his weight. No? No, I think he's adorable. So what was the reason? His wife and four kids.

That's cute. Oh, shut up!

I quit sucking air through my teeth.

I'm just afraid of any man who likes to dig and pick in someone's mouth with sharp instruments, that's all.

Don't tell me when until it's just time to go. I want just enough time to get there and not enough time to think about it.

Do you know that you're acting like a child? / Oh, yeah, and tell him I want to be treated like a child.

What color is Tony's shirt? / I don't know. / Alex's shirt? / I don't know. / The buttons on her coat? / Brown with tan marbling and rose-colored thread.

I'm thinking of a number... Five. / I wanted five. / Tough luck. / Why don't you draw straws to see who gets five?

Look. Louie likes it.

What am I doing? Breaking up a fight between one guy.

Tony.

Mine!

What situation? / Well, I mean, the fact you're going out with Bobby and Tony at the same time. / Why not?

I'm beginning to wish that I went to the dentist.

My tooth stopped hurting.

Look, Louie, I-I've never tried to talk to you man-to-man before, but, uh, or even as a human being, but let me try right now.

What am I doing? I'm turning into Louie De Palma here.

Why am I talking so loud?

Hey, uh, you don't mind if I rob you blind, cheat you of all your money, and, uh, make you penniless, do you?

Now I'm talking like Tonto. Tonto... Hi-ho, Silver! No, no...

Besides, she's waving her vegetables at me.

Well, if I run out, I'll push.

80 cents is a record for you.

You must be more nauseating on the road than you are in the garage.

Alex describes an apartment offer as 'One room for one night including roommate and complimentary cocktail'

Alex repeatedly saying 'Latka!' in increasing disbelief at the luxury apartment

Learning the apartment costs $3,000 a month when Latka only has $3,000 total

Alex comparing the apartment residents to 'the Rockefellers, the Vanderbilts, the Bee Gees'

Well, I just wanted to say that, uh, we-we'll take it.

Uh, yes, my swizzle stick is a little limp.

Alex points out 'that's your 14th grand entrance of the day'

Alex's speech about not needing women: explains how they didn't need women as kids, then ends with 'I'm going to try to get to know each and every one of you here tonight... then I'm gonna go out and chase down some chicks, of course.'

Alex tells Latka 'No one with a friend like you can be called a loser.'

The last lady you introduced me to kept talking about how all the world's problems could be solved if everybody practiced nude skydiving.

So, uh... tell me, you cry here often?

That's one good thing about being a cab driver: You never have to worry about getting fired from a good job.

Hey, hey, hey. Congratulations.

Hey, listen, if I ever have a happy home, you have a standing invitation to come and destroy it anytime you like.

I'm not going to let this get me down! At least not until I've had dinner with that swashbuckling ne'er-do-well Alex Rieger.

You see those framed documents on the wall? Well, those are subpoenas from the Board of Health.

Where's your summer home? I open the windows.

The vase is from the Ming Dynasty. The Ming dynasty? Yeah. The Ming Dynasty. That's a little shop down on 17th street.

Dear, I have company. Don't come out for a while. She stays in there all the time.

We didn't shake on it. Right, and I had my fingers crossed all the time.

Lips touching lips! Yuck! What a terrible thought.

Every time you say something funny I want to kiss you. Oh... I wish you didn't tell me that. I'm going to be very self-conscious now because, every time I make a joke, you're going to think I'm just doing it to try to get a... A priest and a rabbi walked into a bar...

I bumped into a chair and told the chair I was sorry.

It's like being on a roller coaster and hoping the ride never ends, if you know what I mean.

I'm going to ask her to marry me. Great idea. What a pro. Perfect. Aw... It's never going to work.

Proposing? My heavens, no. I'm running for governor, and this is my way of asking you for your vote.

You've got candles and flowers and a bell. A bell? No, don't! Just forget that bell.

I'm tired of you. No, I withdraw the proposal.

you better be quick, because you're not the only girl I'm proposing to tonight.

I have the audacity to believe that I'm good for you.

I told you, not the bell!

They came to pick up my violins. Thanks. Thanks, fellas. Do they have to go back to the shop? Oh, that's terrible. I guess they need a couple of tubes, that's all.

We're fighting because we care too much, and we're breaking up because we don't care enough.

Will you marry me? No! Just checking!

You should listen to him. He knows what he talking about. Thank you very much. I knew I could help him. Yes, that was very nice what you did for him, Jim. Very nice. Well... Bobby's had it pretty rough. Trying to make it as a boxer, and raise the two kids...

I just got this sudden urge. / Uh-oh, you're doing it again.

Do you realize that every time you break up with a guy you paint your apartment?

I once wrote a poem for my wife. She graded it.

I don't work weekends. You been gone nine days. Right. Jim. Weekends are only two days. Oh, I thought we'd switched to the metric system.

Sure. Is this you, Alex?

Couldn't find a poem? I couldn't find a library.

There are a lot of people in this world who think I'm a flake. Who thinks that? Me, for one.

Let's shake on it. We just shook on it. Oh, good.

Y-You mean your head doesn't hurt and your tongue doesn't feel thick and grungy, and-and your body doesn't feel like it's been turned inside out? Yeah.

Jim, some people find that feeling very uncomfortable.

Well, that's everybody in the garage. So I guess it's nobody. / Yeah... it's nobody.

I know a pill that would do it. But it has a terrible side effect. Like what? It wears off.

He knocked you out in the second round. Yeah, but now he's going around shooting off his mouth, saying he can do it in one.

He says he had walking pneumonia or something that night, you know? Fever of 104. Oh, I hate a man who makes excuses. Me, too.

I think he means Zena. Oh, my mistake.

You can spare another human being two minutes of your time. Yes, but how does that relate to this conversation?

Why? She's punishing them for a lousy childhood?

Oh, that's beautiful. You've got one minute left.

He's an exterminator? He's a minister.

We have a longtime awareness that the other exists, and we know each other's names.

By golly, my watch stopped.

Strike one.

Besides, it's better to remain silent and be thought the fool than to speak and remove all doubt.

Like the other night, she's laying in the bathtub... That's a mighty big bass you've got there, Mr. Sherman.

How do you keep a fish from smelling? I don't know. You cut off his nose.

Well, uh... now that we've exhausted that topic... does anybody want any more wine?

The fish again?

Switch with me. Huh? Switch with me. Why? Just do it.

'Give him odds.' 'A hundred to one.' 'I can't pass that by.'

Elaine holds playing cards while lecturing about gambling

Tony folds when he hears the cards have kings and queens, Alex says he's back in when told there's no money

Everyone's reaction to seeing a racehorse in the garage

Jim is giving the horse his freedom, Alex says 'He's a 300-to-1 shot. We can outrun him.'

'What's his new name?' 'Gary.'

I was married. Close enough.

His accountant and his lawyer? His Tuesday and his Wednesday.

You know how when you turn over one of those rocks and you see those slimy, crawly things underneath? Louie makes those things go 'yuck.'

the only way that he can stay a loser is to win.

You want to ask Tony anything else, hail his cab. That way he gets to put it on the meter.

Too much skating between fights.

Brian's age deception being discovered

I've seen you outwitted by a pop-top can.

Alex repeats Tony's exact excuses back to him

Maybe the house was here first, and the horses moved in later.

And what do you do, Alex? Me? I drive a cab also. And you box, too? No, I just drive a cab.

Oh, Well, what do you want to do? Quit.

Name three. Friends, happiness and health. Three that money can't buy. You're right. He's great.

On your knees.

If you can think about all that and still not get off your yaktabe and go over there and give her a big make-up kiss then I wish you'd tell me right now, because I'm beginning to think that I'm going to do it.

Unfortunately, I ran out of money before I found out just how long.

It's for parking, Alex. / And emergencies, hence the name, emer... / You know, there's a logic to that.

I blew it, huh? / Big.

I just hope He forgives you. / Mackenzie? He's ready to erect a statue to me. You kidding? / No, no, no, I don't mean Mackenzie.

You know what that means? / Yeah. It means they got to believe you. I love this country.

It's just that thou art so easy to be holier than.

I mean, you could smell these things from home.

Won't be a mosquito near him all night.

Nice to be back, Lou.

Stubby Detmuller never did it.

There was that one time when he went out dancing with Louie on New Year's Eve.

You seem like vermin.

I'll just send the hounds out after the scent of 'Cruel Cavalier.'

Did I mention that she had the bluest eyes I've ever seen?

She heard my heartbeat. The people down in the lodge were saying, 'What's that noise up there?'

Well, it's very difficult to talk and whimper at the same time.

Well, I don't know if I decided, but, uh... Maybe it was me, maybe it was the breeze.

I was so glad that I'd listened to Jim McKay all those years, because I knew just what to do... But that was going to be no small trick, because I was upside down, I couldn't find my chin.

And there I was 120 miles above Lake Placid, and I couldn't find my chin!

I actually landed on my feet. And then on my head, and then on my back and then on my feet. By the time I came to a complete halt, I was the biggest snowball in the history of Lake Placid.

And she said, 'Boy, you got guts.'

Set 'em up... and put it on the snowball.

No substitute for experience.

He'll kill you. / I want him.

Don't worry. I'll go easy on the guy.

Hey, Bobby, will you cut that out? Can't you wait till I'm gone?

I'm not going down there. I'm not going down there. I'm not going to go.

Nobody but me.

I am? I could swear I jumped. My spirit jumped. It's just my body that's left here.

I'm going to spend the single greatest thrill of my life throwing up.

Elaine, Elaine... this fellow has a broken hand, and I could win many dollars, and that would make my family and me very happy.

You may laugh, but I know people who talk like that.

Yeah, well, the guy Johnson's fighting is named Johnson, too.

if you value our friendship, you will not put that smirk into words.

I don't think you ever had any inside information. I think you were just trying to impress us.

350 Brokniks. How much is that in American money? Nothing.

Oh, good, you gave Latka the day off. Yeah, I told him that all he had to do is fix the problem in cab 643, he could come with us. Oh, did you get it fixed? Uh... almost. What's that? Uh... uh... I don't know. That's the problem.

You're a slime, Louie.

Alex's deadpan response: 'Not bad, but could you do the guy who went to school with Leonard Nimoy?'

Alex's warning about Tony's impression and Elaine asking why he's encouraging him creates confusion

I've tried to fantasize. I've tried to think up some great situation, but somehow, something always goes wrong.

Has anyone ever told you before that the back of your head is quite attractive. Thank you. The front's nice too. That's something to look forward to.

I've always heard how rude and abrupt cabbies were. You're not that way at all. Well, the evening is still young.

Feeling a little warm? Ever since I got into this cab. I can turn the heat down. I don't think you could.

So, tell me, uh, cookie... what brings you to New York? I'm here with my husband. Son of a... She's married?!

Oh, Alex, are you over there trying to fantasize? Ah, no, I told you I don't do that kind of stuff.

Hey, Alex, if you're fantasizing about a woman, make her single. Well, it's not that easy, you know. I mean, you just can't imagine her single, and she comes out single, can you?

So you're married, huh? No, not really. I just said that. Why? I was afraid you'd come on to me. Well... why are you admitting that now? I decided I'd take my chances.

Would you like to stop someplace and have a cup of coffee? Oh, I'd love that.

Don't worry about it. I couldn't stop now if I had to. Stop. I can't. I can't. Stop!

I can't even be trusted behind the wheel of my own fantasy.

Now, now, just relax... and remember that it's your fantasy, and in her eyes, you can't do anything wrong. Yeah. You're right. I just hope she's still alive.

You're not going to get into any trouble, are you? No, I have a very understanding dispatcher.

What's the matter? I just realized something. I don't even know your name. Does it matter? How am I going to tell my diary about you?

Tawny. My favorite name. I'm Alex. My favorite name.

A double-dip Rocky Road ice cream cone with a cherry on top. Right. How did...? Uncle Alex?!

How's Aunt Rose? Fine. Cousin Harry? Great. Brother Bill? Wonderful. Your daughter? Europe.

You're not pouring your guts out to me. You're telling me that you're not getting enough action. Insatiable lust doesn't make you sympathetic.

You mean, like, uh, if the house looks clean I could say, 'Hey, the place looks great.' Sure. That was my idea. I thought of the words. You just said, 'talk.' I got the golden key here.

The worst part about it is I kept Ma up all night too. Why was that? What do you want me to do? Talk to the walls?

Look out, Dwight! I think it's him.

Pump the scum! No pumping. Pump him! No pumping. Pump the scum! Just beer! Pump the scum! No! Just beer! Pump him! Pump the scum! Sit! Stay! Stay. Stay.

I'm beginning to get a crush on myself here.

Smooth, Iggy. Real smooth.

Louie asks Alex a normal human question, then Alex asks about Louie's cockroach problem as his reciprocal 'normal' question

A cockroach appears right after they discuss Louie's cockroach problem

Louie delivers the devastating news that Alex's daughter is getting married and didn't invite 'the man whose glands gave her birth'

Alex says about raising his daughter: 'You give them two of the best years of your life'

Alex: 'Rio De Janeiro to here... Do you know how far that is? Six thousand... eight hundred and forty-two miles.'

Alex says about the cost of calling Brazil: 'You just went to the well once too often'

Alex on phone: 'I'm calling from New York City on a middle-class income'

Character explains their instant chemistry with a stranger as something their 'older brother' (Alex) doesn't like

Alex says his ex-wife walked out 'before they accepted my application at the cab academy'

Alex seeing Phyllis: 'It looks like she put on a couple of extra pounds here and there... and everywhere.'

Alex's Freudian slip: 'you haven't lost a daughter, you've gained a ton' instead of 'gained a son'

Rapid-fire exchange: 'I was afraid I may have hurt your feelings.' 'You wish you could hurt my feelings.' 'Look, if I hurt your feelings...' 'You didn't hurt my feelings.' etc.

Alex mimics Phyllis and she snaps: 'I hate being mimicked. I hate it!'

Alex and Phyllis have a moment where he accurately guesses what she was thinking, leading to 'Lucky guess'

Alex's gallant response: 'Well, listen, if they ever get up a search party...'

Alex's crude observation: 'Five minutes later, you would've had a better gift'

Alex comments on the final hug: 'Whoa, we're just being crazy, you know?'

The office is closed. The doctor is out. Sally doesn't live here anymore.

Alex, I'd like to pass on a compliment. Alex, I've got a woman for you. Alex, I want to give you money. Those are sentences I will listen to.

I can't be alone with him. I'm the one he spends tortured nights dreaming about. He said that? No. I'm just assuming.

But I've already told Elaine that I'm bisexual. Shh. Oh, okay. It's okay here.

Excuse me. Would you like to dance? Just for the sake of optimism, no, go ahead, I don't mind. No, I meant you.

Hey, Alex, what's that for? For acting like a jerk. Why doesn't anybody ever tell me about these contests?

Promise me you won't leave me alone with them.

For some reason, she used to call me Miss Scarlett. Jim, that's Gone With the Wind. Yeah... no use looking back on it now.

Jim, that's Gone With the Wind. Yeah... no use looking back on it now.

I don't love my brother, Alex. That's all right, Jim. I don't know why. He's almost as fat as my dad.

Like, I wonder about if you call an orange an orange why don't you call a banana a yellow? Or an apple a red? Well, you see, the point is, Mr. Caldwell... Now, blueberries make sense, but somebody explain gooseberries to me.

It's a handicap to be classically handsome. Don't I know it?

Thank God... It suffered long enough.

If it was so wonderful, why'd you leave? Uh... they traded me... for a couple of goats... and a, uh, and a Donovan album.

It's so quiet here you can actually hear yourself think. I can't hear anything.

Isn't this a great feeling? You mean waking up in the mountains? No, getting off the damn floor.

Where the hell am I? You're in the mountains. Oh, yeah? What are we, lumberjacks? No, we're cab drivers. Oh, I bet we don't do much business up here.

What did the pioneers do in a situation like this? They built cities and moved into them.

What did you catch? See for yourself. That the bait you used? Bait? That's my catch.

This one really put up a fight.

I know they're blue berries. What I'm saying is, they may not be blueberries. And while all blue berries are blue not all blue berries are blueberries. I've mistaken blue berries for blueberries.

Sit here and wait for dinner to walk through the door?

It's a turkey. Ernie? Ernie's a turkey? Well, doesn't he look like an Ernie?

He does look like an Ernie.

That's mine! Save some for me!

What the hell did you say to her?

He quit! / I had gas I miss more than the guy I fired. / He quit!

So how was your trip? / Ah, great. Omaha is lovely this time of year. / I thought you were hitchhiking to Washington. / I did too, but I ended up in Omaha.

They were baked by a guy I fired. / He quit!

so I wrote an opera.

I never thought about writing an opera before, but it sounded like it would be fun. It was. I'm going to write another one tonight.

Hey, Bob! / What are you doing? / Huh? / What are you doing? / Afternoon Of The Faun.

Oh, you mean not for the houses, the cars or the women? / Oh, maybe it was the same reasons.

You're hallucinating. / Oh... I'm only in your mind. / Well, then welcome to my mind. If I knew you were coming I would have cleaned it up a bit.

A duel of wits between unarmed opponents.

this sounds like one of your little sweaty fantasies.

Look, there doesn't have to be a Sheila... hold on. Hey, Sheila!

Yeah. Genetics.

Why would she pick you? Come on, admit it... You're no Curly Melnick.

Anything that goes into Louie's cage vanishes from the face of the earth. Yes, with the definite exception of Louie himself.

I've never seen a human being experience such joy. A human being couldn't.

So, the only way you're not gonna look as crazy as you are is if I look as crazy as you are?

Oh, you mean, if I go to this one party it's gonna save me from Dripdom?

Well, I'm not too big a man to admit that I was right.

Oh, my God! They hit Pearl Harbor again?

Oh, they're Dramamine. See, I get a little seasickness on boats. This boat is tied to the pier, Bob. Yeah-yeah, I know, but it's the motion that gets to me.

But don't go away. It might wear off.

What makes them so special? I know exactly what you're saying, Alex. And I bet there's plenty of famous people that nobody even knows about.

Might have given 'Hi. Nice party' a try first, Bob.

You know, suddenly, I'm not so sure we are where we think we are.

Woody Allen would have been about four years old in World War II. I didn't know when he got started in show business.

That means I didn't throw up on Hal Prince. You're still young.

Hi. I'm Alex Rieger. I'm Gus Bates. Wait up, you guys!

Hello, Mary, uh, I'm sorry to interrupt. I'd just like to say hello. Hello. Oh, who am I? I'm Elaine's guy.

Bill Board? Hey, you came this close to being Karmen Ghia.

May I have a glass of water? What's the matter? Your arm's broken?

Well, I don't have as much trouble as my two brothers: Clip and Switch.

Well, actually, I was browsing in the Metropolitan Museum of Art one day and, uh, I came upon the most exquisite work of art I've ever seen in my life. I mean, I couldn't take my eyes off her. I just stood there, stunned.

Oh, two, three years. Three years? Yeah. Time had lost all meaning.

Do you think you could let go of my hand, so I could cut my meat? Oh. Well, I guess you have to eat. I'll give it right back. Promise? Okay.

Jason prayed to God and asked for a train set. Well, the next day, he came to Elaine and he said he'd prayed for a train set and didn't get one. And Elaine was very worried. And she said, 'I'm sorry, Jason, that God didn't answer your prayers.' And Jason said, 'Oh, but he did answer my prayers, Mommy. He just said no.'

I didn't remember that story. How did you remember it? I remember everything.

I'm the most exquisite work of art you've ever seen in your life! Oh, that! No, I'd say that to anybody!

See? Nothing. Nothing? Nothing.

Well, I better go now. It was nothing. Nothing.

And if that's what he wants, there are easier ways of getting there.

What are they, nuts? Delawarians?

This is going to be a dogfight. Come on, man, put on my hockey game. That's not hockey.

If something really important happens anywhere in the world... Night or day... You can always change the channel.

I mean, I can't believe I'm saying this, but it's sort of a nagging curiosity in me. You know that kind of morbid curiosity when you pass a car wreck, you just got to slow down.

Or when you have a sore in your mouth you put your tongue against it so you know it hurts. Or when you have a container of milk that you know has gone sour. You just got to smell it before you throw it away.

No, no, no, that's okay. That's okay. Don't be repetitious on my account.

You don't like being here alone, do you, Louie? / What, are you kidding? I've been waiting for this all my life, Rieger. I love being alone.

She left her little shoes here. Look at her little shoes, Alex. / No, no. / One shoe. / Come on. / No.

You hid her teeth?

If you're inviting me out like a guy invites his buddy for a drink, that's okay, but if you're doing this out of pity, well, let's forget it. / It's pity, Lou. / Well, a beer's a beer.

Lyle shot Huey. / He shot him? / Yeah. It was an accident. / He just wounded him. / Oh. / Six times.

Must put a strain on their friendship.

Look, Lou, do me a favor, would you, and don't mention anything about your mother, okay? / Okay. She's forgotten.

Louie, you're becoming a sniveling, weepy obnoxious boob and I'm getting sick of it. Do you hear me?

Look in that mirror. Look at that. That's you. / Is that me? / Yeah, that's you! / I'm a boob!

Jim, your apartment is in Brooklyn. / Again?

When did you ever sleep on my couch? / The night you showed slides from your ski trip.

Quit the tour, huh? / Yeah, I quit. / Got fired. / We're talking semantics here.

You got fired for not waiting till you got there?

Tony, you call the vice squad. I'm standing watch...

I know a girl on a bus who trusted him. Look what happened.

The man's a hound. / Yeah, anywhere, anytime, anything with a pulse.

You think they heard us? / No, I don't think so. Do you? / Hell, yes. Me, too.

Like what? / Bobby's career, Bobby's dreams... Bobby. / How did you ever drag all that out of him? / I think I said, 'How are you?'

Bobby?

Hello, Alex, it's Bobby. She's all over me. / Who were you calling this late? / Dad. Good old Dad. / I thought your father passed away. / Well, maybe that will make up for the times I didn't call when he was alive?

It's 3:00 in the morning, Alex. What are you doing here? / I was just out taking a walk. / Barefoot? / Yeah. I, uh... I like the feeling of snow in my toes.

I lost my slippers in a snowbank, see?

That telephone call a few minutes ago, that was to Sergeant Preston of the Yukon, right?

Bobby, the pope does that.

I mean, I lost a boyfriend. / I lost my job in Florida. / I lost the feeling in eight of my toes.

I told her, 'If he gives you any trouble just rap him on the snout with a rolled-up newspaper.'

He's trying to make friends with her so she won't sue him for his eyeballs.

I know that feeling.

Poor lady's got rough luck.

That's what you consider sweet-talking, Louie?

'That's what you consider sweet-talking, Louie?'

He jumped out of the cab.

Rieger, what floor are we on? The 16th.

'Slime wad' is two words.

Hey, Bobby, it's your agent. My agent's calling me?! Okay, okay, Louie, you stay right there.

12,391 hairs on my head.

Oh, what the hell, let's make it an even number. 12,390.

This is how I look when I say, 'This is how I look when I talk.'

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to The Alex Rieger Show, starring Alex Rieger.

Our first guest this evening, ladies and gentlemen, is the greatest juggler in the world. And let's see if I get his name straight here: Alex Rieger!

I am now going to attempt juggling... backwards. With one leg.

This is station Y.A.W.N. signing off after an evening of telecasting.

It's time now... for The Harry and Muffy Show! Yeah! Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Well, who are our guests tonight, Muffy? Harry... you are a sick man.

So okay, so cab driving is a stinky, lousy job that, uh... has no comforts and no dignity and no future, but on the other hand... would anyone like to help me with the other hand? On the other hand we stink at everything else?

Take this job and shove it.

Hey... what is it we do? We're cab drivers, Jim. Ah, come on. No, really. Wow!

It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hekyll.

After you, my lady.

Louie gives Alex a blessing by making random gestures and mumbling

Latka repeatedly tries to communicate while under his vow of silence, getting increasingly frustrated

I saved up enough money after quitting drugs. [...] Jim, that's a dollar, 35. I quit drugs for a dollar, 35?

I'm terribly sorry. That's okay, we were expecting you.

Hello? No, this is not Mary. Do I sound like a Mary? You have the wrong number. [...] Mary?

If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die as I lived. Dancing the cancan in a green shirt and a catcher's mask.

Louie, it was a little girl selling sugar cookies. My favorite.

it has been our history that there has been a certain attraction between you and me here. Especially you for me.

it's every decent man's fantasy that Europe is filled with steamy, sultry women just waiting to throw themselves at the feet of some American stud.

It has been the lesson of my life that nothing that ever sounds that good ever really happens.

Who didn't clean the puke out of cab 415? And yet...

How's the French coming along? Just fine. Answer me in French. Just fine.

Yeah, only in a sort of stunning way.

The walk over here was the longest walk of my life, but the walk back is going to be even longer if you don't smile.

Get lost. ... I'd be very obligated to you as a human being if you'd just let me sit next to you for just a couple of seconds.

If I have to mace you, I will. That's not mace, that's Binaca. Even Binaca, when you get it in your eye, still stings.

Alex, how'd it go? Oh, it's a little too early to tell.

All right, so I'm the oldest guy on the plane. Are you satisfied now?

What's the difference in our ages anyway, six or seven years? I'd say more like 12, sir. All right, so I'm the oldest guy on the plane. Are you satisfied now?

We could have walked and saved the bus fare. Alex, we're in Europe. Every penny counts.

'The Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh in front of Buckingham Palace.' ... 'A nice couple we met at the hotel.'

On your date?

Maybe even pick up a wench or two. Ooh! Break some hearts, you rogue.

Alex asks 'Do you mind?' and sits down alone, followed by 'Watch this' and an apparent pratfall

[Greek taverna scene with 'Opa! Yasu!' celebration and Alex getting injured]

Fish... and friendship. And who's contributing what? Who cares? That's the beauty of it.

'The ruins of the temple of Apollo.' 'We didn't do this.'

Oh, Alexo, to us Greeks, there is no type. Only the sea and love, and love of the sea.

Yo! Yo! Desiree! I'm in here. I'm in here. She's coming. She's coming in. Elaine, excuse me. My date is shimmering in the doorway.

taxi drivers are held in very high esteem in America. There's a waiting list. People commit suicide if they can't get in. Now, doctors, over in America, you wouldn't want to talk to them. Riffraff.

What kind of a woman are you? I mean, you meet a guy, and you like him, and just because he can't afford to take you to a nice place, you're gonna dump him? What kind of a person is that? French.

Why smile when we're all gonna die?

I'll have a clear broth for now. What comes with that? A sprig of parsley. Can you substitute meatloaf?

What-what... what comes with that? A sprig of parsley. Can you substitute meatloaf?

Of course. I've been waiting for you to loan me money. What'd you think I was going to say? I'd rather be hungry? Pride? Give me money.

And that monk who broke a 30-year vow of silence just to say wow. In Spanish!

Oh, I don't know. Maybe I was expecting too much from Europe. I-I-I thought it was all gonna be romance, but instead, it's just all Europe.

I didn't meet that woman on a cobblestone street who doesn't speak a word of English, and without a word, makes the greatest night of my life.

You solved the cube! Oh, my gosh, how did you do that? I tore off the little color spots and put them where they should be.

'Dear Elaine, the time we spent writing postcards together was the best part of my trip.'

I finally got a date in Europe.

Alex: 'I believe you can get through life by common sense, coping, and taking 30 showers a day'

Alex about boxing referee: 'He was the one in the ring who wasn't beating you senseless'

Alex to Louie: 'I'd like an outsider's opinion' about the human race

Alex gives away hockey tickets for concert: 'I should have done that'

Alex's crisis: 'How come he's smarter than I am? How come he's booking more money than I am? How come he's more fun?'

Alex to psychiatrist: 'Don't hog the therapy'

Alex's self-deprecating analysis: 'she does seem grateful, but I think that's primarily for not inheriting my nose'

Alex's nose anxiety: 'I got a honker here that won't quit!'

'I'm starting to realize that my love for life is unrequited.'

You just had a dance lesson?

It's right there in your hand. Jim! It's a phone call for you!

Some people in this world make themselves victims, and Jim is one of them.

When do you finally stand up and assert yourself? August.

Always glad to do a favor for a friend. You piece of dirt.

Hey, lady, come on, what'd I do to you?

What are we, Knights of the Round Table? Walk her!

An hour. It took me that long to realize that you could do something that low to Zena.

Alex's immediate refusal to talk to his father without explanation

Alex offering to trade talking to his father for Tony's jury duty

'Since when?' '1974.' Alex hasn't seen his father who's lived nearby for years

'What am I gonna do with a sweet, little old man?' Alex dreading reconciliation even if Joe has changed

Alex's description of their awkward greeting ritual - not knowing whether to shake hands or hug

'You push a girl like that away?' Joe's immediate interest in Elaine

Alex's honest admission: 'I hate jazz anyway. I was just foolishly trying to show you that I have a mind of my own'

'Uh, maybe you measured wrong' - response to Tony's confusion

'Yeah, me and my mother' - Alex's bitter response about mistaking Joe for his father

'That munchkin I was having lunch here with the other day is my father!'

'My mother thought I had asthma' - Alex explaining his breathless reaction to his father's beautiful women

'he loves women' vs 'But I love women' - 'No, no, no... I mean, he loves women'

'makes me almost wish he wasn't slime. Now wait a minute, that's my father you're talking about. Please continue.'

'No, I was thinking more of my face and his face' - Alex wanting to confront Joe directly

'She always used a little too much salt' vs Alex's defense of the salt level

'I'm not gonna kiss you on top of the head. Your loss.'

If Latka takes a vacation, it's a dull vacation, but if Vic takes it... Deal 'em.

Well, it may look like that to you, Reiger, because you're a little closer to the bucket.

I can't tell you how much we love your son, Mrs. De Palma. I really can't tell you.

Well, you are the expert.

Oh, come on, Louie, for once in your life, don't be so... you.

You don't pull Fleurette out of the air. You pull Fleurette out of long, hot sweaty nights of total frustration.

That woman clipped your toenails, and you're not gonna go to the wedding?

That was fun. Thank you very much. Let's go.

You've painted this whole apartment in bits and pieces. I recognize this chair... You painted this table.

It means you're afraid of heights. No, no, that's acrophobia.

That man is damn near psychotic. Uh, no offense. None taken.

I'm at the crossroads of my life and I'm a little scared... and you're standin' here with this goofy grin on your face.

Did I stop yet?

You know, losin' every game is a new garage record.

I never thought anything would make me feel sorry for Louie... and I was right.

That's silly. Silly? Okay. Thanks a lot, Alex. You bet. Ow!

Just when I was gettin' used to saying, 'Give him air, give him air.'

How long's Banta been training him? A couple of weeks. Please!

Where do you want to eat? How about Mario's? Perfect.

It's probably your imagination... or a rat.

You lost the battle, huh? Nope. You lost your job.

So why do I feel sorry for that broken toilet of a man?

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah? Is that what you think? Yeah?! Yeah. Yeah, yeah! You do think that? Yeah. Yeah, well, I'm going to show you, Reiger.

Who played Lumpy in Leave It to Beaver?

I just had a terrifying thought. If the world were to end tomorrow, that's what's left of the human race.

Well, an 11-minute Armageddon. Sort of an 'Armageddonette.'

Did you say something, Reiger? Ah, no, no, no, no, I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

Alex's final line: 'I think I'm gonna miss him the least'

Alex's final toast: 'Here's hoping we never see each other again'

Guess I told him, didn't I? You sure did. I just hope he had it coming.

I got my good side and I got my bad side. Yeah, his good side is he's never bombed the children's hospital.

His mother dropped him on his head. About a week ago.

Yeah, every script they send you has you saying either 'jive turkey' or 'say what, sucker?' How'd you know that?

I have this little alarm that goes off every time I'm with someone who's about to be enthusiastic.

I mean, I-I-I'm really too tired to talk, let alone participate in a conversation with a young actress cab driver who's about to lick the world.

We're 16 and we're in love, so could you please do us a favor? Yeah. What? Buy us liquor? I would, but I forgot my I.D.

Nee-na/Nine-a's Magical Mystery Tour.

She left these tied to the cab door handle with a note saying, 'It's about time you started cheering up. I'll be helpful.'

Look, the last thing I need in my life is a born-again cheerleader who's gonna try to kick some life into the old boy.

She's like every actress or Hindu that I ever met. She has karma, she's high on life, she's positive, hard-working, joyful... and I don't like her!

What does it take to get you excited? I would get excited if you got the part. I think I've gotten the part. Oh, don't be ridiculous!

The last broken heart I had was when the Jets didn't cover.

I'm a no-magic man.

You've got a lot more problems than that. / I'm fine. / No, I mean it. I'm fine. / I'm fine.

So what's the new job? I'm gonna be a chauffeur.

Talk about the Renaissance man.

'Aw, Tony'? You understood that? No. But he looks so sad.

What a woman. I might have married her. Why didn't you? I said I might have. I don't remember.

Well, if that works so great for you, Louie, why aren't you constantly surrounded by beautiful women? Because it's not an easy spot to get to.

No, no, no, Tony, you don't need any lines. I don't have any lines. Or any women, either, eh, Mahatma?

Well, we're going out tonight collecting aluminum cans. Crazy world.

Where are they? I don't know. I've asked all of them.

You're gonna just sit there and mope? No, I'm going to whine and snivel.

And if he won't listen to good manners, I'm going to have to get rough. I would hate to be in his shoes.

Where did you say they lived? Nice try, Alex.

A little spotted puppy who's just sitting around now pining away wondering where his Terry is, tears welling up in his little brown eyes.

This is emotional blackmail. The puppy's name is Snowball.

How can you make a simple thing so heart-wrenching? I feel awful. I can't leave now.

Yeah, what're you havin'? Uh, SpaghettiOs, popcorn and herring.

Uh, how long have you two been twins?

I feel silly, right, but I love feeling silly.

You've lost weight. / Yeah, 35 pounds. / Wow, how'd you do that? / The grief diet. Your husband divorces you and then you cry and vomit for three months.

I mean, uh, if you were walking down the street and a safe was about to fall on you, I would yell, 'Look out'.

I welcome the opportunity to cower in your toilet.

And I thought you two wouldn't hit it off.

and eyes that show you that he's a little boy after all. You just happened to mention him in passing?

You come here often? I'm just here waiting for a cancellation.

Stay! Stay! Stay!

Jim, we've been your friends for three years. / Oh, then it's high time we shook hands.

They were trying to save his life.

Oh, I can't wait to see this.

Ah, the ties that bind.

I really did get my license back! / Yeah, we know, Tony. / I mean it! / Yeah. / I know what I said, but I mean... / It's okay, Tony. / I really got my license back. / Yeah, sure, Tony.

Hey, if I'm lying, you could punch me right in the face. / He got his license back.

Why would you want to be Miss America? / To help mankind throughout the world and to uphold the ideals of the Miss America pageant! / You yutz!

I could help you do that.

Well, I don't count the Capasso fight. That was a bad decision. / He knocked you out. / Oh, I mean the decision to fight him.

Don't worry, Alex. I think that punch took a lot out of him. / Yeah.

The towel won't go. / Lucius! / Not you, him!

I'm rapid reading. It's a new power reading method I'm learning. Pretty impressive, isn't it? I'll say. Wow. What are you reading? I have no idea. You don't know what you're reading? Not a word.

Yeah, two million years of evolution.

Good night, Alex. [Beat] Forget it, Iggy. You can't stay here.

Then it's noticeable!

Do you think Louie's gonna be upset? The question is, is whether he'll kill you or not.

Jim's complete emotional breakdown and Alex trying to calm him

Try Amityville.

A blank check? You can't give a blank check to Louie!

Hey, what were you doing, Louie? / I was a cabdriver.

My shorts are more ambitious than I am.

Excuse me, was that because I accepted a drink? / Yeah, as a matter of fact, it was.

I know because I was there. / Mr. Ambrose, I begged to go. I had a medical problem. I was eight years old.

My next words were gonna be 'knock, knock'. / Not another quip, I swear it.

I was wrong, I'm very sorry, and it will never happen again. / You miserable, stupid, rotten jack-ass!

Stay here where the big news is that Mario's is trying out a new tomato paste.

I just hit that man. / I just hit him! / I know. / He's turning red!

You didn't kill him.

you got the best job you ever had, being Elaine Nardo.

A green card?

Hello, grandchildren

At the moment, uh, I'm sitting here, uh, picturing you, uh, naked

No, it's because I'm incredibly rich

Well, ordinarily I'd ask you for your phone number, but I'd feel kind of silly asking for that now, so I'll just... settle for the first four digits

Garcia? You told Perez.

The Yanks lost another one? Would I be this upset just 'cause the Yanks lost another game? Double-header? To Seattle.

This man is so far ahead of the rest of us that most people often mistake his wisdom for burnt-out brain cells.

I had a found 200 bucks, if you know what I'm talking about.

That's what separates the men from the mutants, Louie.

I gambled a little while; I, uh, had a few laughs, and I came out about even.

Oh, they're, they're watching a rerun of All in the Family here.

What, no exchange of pleasantries? Hello, Jim, how you doing? / Hello, Alex. Quite well, thank you. Care for a cracker?

Well, you were only off by one. / How much do you get for that? Nothing! I'm broke. / Well, then that was pretty dumb of you to bet all of your money like that.

Well, you were only off by one. How much do you get... How much do you get for that? Nothing! I'm broke.

Hey, Jim, look at that light.

What's the rush? How often do you get to see a light like that?

The damn guest is uncomfortable? Oh, are you uncomfortable? No, not really. Then sit down!

CRASH sound as Alex is hit by thrown object

It's one of the few real occasions you get to be formal and ill at ease.

They sure make entertaining seem easy.

And Jeff took the rap for it because... Because he likes him.

I can't explain the feeling I get from being honest. I mean, it's like trying to explain, uh, April in Paris.

I mean, it's like trying to explain, uh, April in Paris. You can't understand it unless you've been there.

That's the price you have to pay. Because you're a thief, you have to go through life believing that everybody else is a thief.

That's why you have to hide your stash in some crummy little air duct. Boy, you lead a real crummy little life, you know that? You're a frightened man, Louie.

You're a frightened man, Louie.

Hey, what about me, Louie? What about me, huh? Aren't you afraid I'm going to steal your stuff? I know where you're hiding it. You?! The honest man?! Nah!

Like in No Strings, where they eliminated the violins and put the brass and the woodwinds right on stage, whereas in Man of La Mancha, they put them backstage, separated between the two wings. And of course, there was that wonderful way that Andrei Serban orchestrated the instruments and the human voices placed within the set in his Greek Trilogy at the La MaMa theater.

Well, wait a minute. I like to think a man is never too old to be a flunky.

How do you tell 'em apart? They're numbered.

Yeah, stop me before I make another one, please.

Because this really feels right, so, uh, I guess that means you're gonna give me the job, right? Because, otherwise, I'd be nervous, huh?

You don't want to give me the job because you're afraid you'll feel kind of awkward bossing around a guy who's older than you, right? No. No, we like that.

Oh, I get it. You're kidding. Yeah, sort of wry? Huh? A little playful? Broadway hip, huh? Tender, but tough?

Oh, right... yes... lunch.

But what really rankles me is having great ideas and not even be able to say 'em out loud.

Well, the other reason I kept quiet was because I-I didn't have a really great idea.

Because I, uh, I've formed certain attachments that are very real to me here.

Look, all they have to do is go to a side set where nobody can hear them but they can be seen. You know, like in Death of a Salesman.

Alex, you're an errand boy. Yeah? Well, not all the time. That's true. Sometimes you're a trash compactor!

Now, if you'll excuse me, Louie, I'm wanted out front.

I haven't seen it.

Because I don't like science fiction movies, all right?

You mean that prison guard?

Excuse me, for those of you interested in accuracy, I'm going to do a simultaneous translation on this one.

She had an unusual quality that I love in a woman. She managed to stomach him.

She fell in love with me like that. She was tanked up on pills and booze. Somebody just dumped her.

But our love, even like the most beautiful flower, wilted and fell. She sobered up.

Didn't you say that today? I say it every day. Who hasn't?

Well, it's so sad that she mixed drugs and alcohol and ended up spending the night with you when most people only die.

What does this tell you?

E.T. phone home. Home phone. Phone home, E.T. Elliott. Elliott. Elliott.

Well, on behalf of New York City, let me say that I'm glad she liked your pants.

A romantic fool. No. A weenie.

I don't think that would make a movie. / You don't? / No, maybe something for television.

We'd trade him for that spider in a minute.

Tony, Tony! You named all of them? I had to have something to put on their bowls.

Were you singing 'I'm a Pepper, he's a Pepper'?

He's like a Smurf.

'I love Zifka'... That's like saying, 'I love Bomba.' 'I love Cheetah.'

So, he's been celibate for ten years. So? So... he may find it difficult to be with a woman. No problem.

Why would you be inviting Louie? / You just tell him what you told us... and duck.

How we doing, Jeff? / You got eyes.

Your last chance to prove that you're a decent human being and leave Zena with a... with a loving memory of Louie De Palma. And you blew it!

Happiness is hard to come by in this life, and you've given me more than my share.

Well, I think a lot of things all the time. I mean, uh, it's possible I might have been thinking about you, but...

Phyllis, I'm not going to ask you what happened last Christmas. You're not? I swear to God I'm not. Well, good, because I'm not about to tear open a wound that healed after a year.

Can I come along with you? No. Alex, I won't bother your fares. I'll lie on the floor. They won't even know I'm there. No! In the trunk, then. Just leave it open a crack so I can breathe.

Okay, but just a crack. No, what am I talking about? You can't come with me.

Why? Why, Alex? This is the second year in a row I've let them choose where to spend Christmas and they picked their father. Now I'm wondering if they love him more than they love me. Why? Why, Alex? Well, doesn't he have that great, uh, ski chalet in Aspen?

I hope that little wink doesn't mean you're going to do something like that for me. Why? Because I would feel very embarrassed at everybody staring at me while some Phillip Morris boy came in here and tap-danced and sang at me.

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪ ♪ Alex Reiger should be jolly ♪ ♪ That's why Jim has sent me here ♪ ♪ Take it from a dancing fruitcake ♪ ♪ You should be happy 'cause you're such a ♪ ♪ Cute cake. ♪

Did you eat all that?! You know, I eat when I'm depressed. I ate everything in the refrigerator.

Can I get you anything? A gallon of Rocky Road and cable TV.

You want to go to a party? Did you invite me to a party? Or did I just have a hypoglycemic rush?

Alex, do you have to call me your ex-wife? Oh, excuse me. You remember Phyllis, my podiatrist?

Phyllis, you're nudging God.

Nice of you to throw that in, Phyllis.

It's my Christmas gift to you. Uh-huh. So, how do you like your present? Like it? L-Like it? I love it. It's perfect. How-How did you know? Well, it was either that, or a shirt.

It's my Christmas gift to you. / Uh-huh. / So, how do you like your present? / Like it? L-Like it? I love it. It's perfect. How-How did you know? / Well, it was either that, or a shirt.

Come on, let's just pretend, you know... I don't want... I don't want to... Alex, come on, we'll just pretend it's New Year's Eve. Okay? Right here. No, we don't have to do this. Four... Phyllis... Three... Oh, come on, Phyllis. Two... Please, please. One. Why don't you just make it a nice... ♪ Should auld acquaintance ♪ Phyllis, Phyllis, stop that. ♪ Be forgot ♪ Phyllis, Phyllis, stop that. I'm not gonna do it, Phyllis.

When you cash them, what have you got? Money. Money can be lost, stolen or wasted and you feel terrible. This way, if anything happens to them, what have I lost? Checks.

You'll need your driver's license. Oh, you need two IDs? Yeah. Got it!

Three percent. 12.75. Okeydoke.

I think they should be condemned.

When you go to a clothing store, you got one arm in the suit and the salesman runs off to help another guy who looks like a better prospect.

Or when you walk into a bank to open an account and a security guard undoes the flap on his holster.

What do you mean, 'give you a look'? I don't know. Perhaps something like this?

What do you mean, 'give you a look'? I don't know. Perhaps something like this? Iggy, will you cut it out.

Well, uh, I'm-I'm a supervisor in the transportation field. Mr. De Palma is a taxi dispatcher.

Oh, and what makes you assume that I'm Jewish? Point well made, sir. We shouldn't jump to conclusions. Perhaps someone in his family was a pelican.

Are you gonna go through with this? So that you can have the privilege of living here with these-these posturing chowderheads?

Therefore, we are returning your M♪A♪S♪H script herewith.

So guess who's going to be licking my face in 15 minutes. Not me.

Buddy? You mean that shipment you're expecting is Buddy? Yeah. Your dog? Yeah. The man-eater?

You bit him first.

Buddy, come on. I know you can talk. Say, 'Reiger.' Reiger. Come on, the 'rrr' and the 'grr' are easy. All you gotta do is put an 'E' in it. Reiger.

You like it when I'm an idiot to you, don't you? I love it.

No, uh, I-I think it's been exaggerated. I mean, basically, what I do is I point my finger at him and he just lies down on the floor.

Yeah, that's about 600. It's 133. I said 'about.'

Return with us now to the thrilling days of yesteryear. Look out, Buddy! There's one on the roof behind you. Look out! You can't see him! Oh! It's too late. Bang!

So what's wrong with the dog, Doc? Is it a transmission or do his paws need rotating?

Doctor, would you just tell me when a dog is like a dog?

I know, I know! I did it to amuse the dog. He happens to like humor. You love it, Buddy? Come on, Buddy. You like funny stuff, don't you?

Ooh, this smells delicious. I didn't know you cooked. That stuff on the stove is, uh, dog food.

Don't be modest. This is excellent. No, really, it's dog food. It's for my dog.

Fish by-products, artificial caramel coloring and pork organs. Oh, my... God.

He's got a weak bladder. Sometimes, when I come home, there's a rainbow in here.

Uh, yeah, actually he likes the Letterman show, but he complains about too many commercials.

You haven't tasted them? No, I-I... Come on, try one. No, I-I don't really like them. I... Come on, Alex. Ah, nah... Oh. Have another. Whoo. No, no...

I'm sorry. You can't have any of these, Buddy. These are people food.

If he doesn't do it, I'll walk out of here right now with the dog. But if he does it, he goes with me in my cab. And what's more, I'll let him drive.

Return with us now to the thrilling days of yesteryear. That's five aces you got there, partner. You know what we do to cheats in Dodge City, don't you? Up. You... Bang!

Uh-oh.

Let me buy you a cup of coffee. I have a cup of coffee. Well, let me give you the quarter back. I don't want your quarter. Let-Let me buy you another cup of coffee.

It wasn't like he was a human being. He was a dog; just a dog. And the dog died.

you wouldn't be hearing me now unless you were a dog.

Well, no, actually, we were playing soccer at the time. We... not allowed to use your hands in soccer, so it cost us a penalty kick.

And, uh, well, after the game, the kids on the team took off my pants and threw them out of the bus window, but that didn't matter, no. I mean, I felt, I felt accepted.

Not a pretty picture: a 44-year-old man sitting in a room full of hair, playing an oboe.

I only work 60 hours a week.

Me? I'm a cabdriver. I'm the only cabdriver in this place.

It doesn't get any better.

I haven't been romantically involved in eight years and I'm not about to break my streak right now.

Hey, Angela, I think we had a normal moment there.

Well, she wasn't the one I was after, Tony.

He said that?

I don't do that. Yes, you do. You do it almost continuously. I don't. Yes, you do.

You mean he hasn't touched you? I can't even get him to hold my hand.

Zena's not your first girl, she's your first nice girl.

Break up with this lovely, warm person, who obviously feels a great deal for you, and spend the rest of your life floating through meaningless affairs with cheap strangers, who you'll have to pay to satisfy your disgusting, physical lust.

That's the silliest thing I ever heard. Aha!

No, this is not Mary. Do I sound like a Mary? You have the wrong number.

Louie, if I'm going to die, I'm going to die as I lived, dancing the cancan in a green shirt and a catcher's mask.

Louie... I didn't die.

Nice cancan.

Alex, this is a girl. I'm going to tear her arms off

Well, okay. Just don't break a nail

Uh, to get as far away from him as possible. I'll join you

And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to have her name tattooed on my face

An intimate, romantic dinner for three

It'll keep

No. He did everything but make his head revolve and spit up pea soup

His porch light has been flickering for years

Yes, I'd like a small glass of poison, please

Jim, I don't know if I love anybody at 3:00 in the morning

Yeah, a beanbag chair

You told me that if you could be anybody in the world, you'd still be yourself, so you wouldn't have to buy new clothes

The stamp commemorates goat cheese

You usually get slapped much harder than that

In an overprotective, paranoid sort of way is what I mean

You're gonna trust your kids to a guy who promises never to bathe again until Seattle wins the Super Bowl?

my French is a little rusty, but if I were you, I'd have someone taste my coffee in the morning

Well, it's a lousy comparison. I'm the first one to admit that. So what'd you say it for?

Well, that's a question for a wiser man than I. Hmm, you're right. I'll go see if I can catch up to Leo.

Oh, no, Jim, you bought a cup of coffee with a $5,000 coin?

Art? / No. Tom.

I mean, mortuaries do better return business.

I said I wanted to drive my bicycle off the roof. / No. / That time, he encouraged me.

Closing time, folks! / No!

Hey, Jim, did you ever think of adding a couple of drums and a bass player?

Good-bye, New York! You chewed me up and you spit me out! And we're well rid of you!

You mean you're saying we don't get along with the Russians? Well, there you go. Was that so hard?

Well, if you'd have seen the look on that lady's face when I handed her that 1,100 bucks. It would've knocked you out!

Latka, don't you lock your door? Why? This is America.

Oh, that reminds me. Uh, Louie? Thanks for thinking of me.

She gets this way once a month. Oh.

Couple of days? Yeah. It's going to be more like two weeks.

Latka, I'm no scientist or medical authority. I'm just an average Joe.

I read about it in the Harvard Medical Journal. Or was it on a box of Cocoa Puffs?

Well, I'm sure it will be. They'll probably call it 'The Love Bloat.'

Now that is exactly what a rational, sane person would wear. Good, I'll change on the bus.