Get Me Through The Holidays

It's not a tapestry; it's a travesty.

You expecting somebody? No. The Easter Bunny? Baby New Year? The Great Pumpkin? Ho, ho, ho.

You know, I once had a maternity suit like that.

If I'm late with the presents, they'll start opening up each other.

At 3:15 this afternoon, it struck me that I really wanted to see you. At that same moment, I knew that you were thinking that you wanted to see me. Now, was I right, Alex? Is there a God?

Well, I think a lot of things all the time. I mean, uh, it's possible I might have been thinking about you, but...

our daughter is out of the country, and my other ex-husband recently won a court order that forbids me to get within 400 yards of him.

Phyllis, I'm not going to ask you what happened last Christmas. You're not? I swear to God I'm not. Well, good, because I'm not about to tear open a wound that healed after a year.

Can I come along with you? No. Alex, I won't bother your fares. I'll lie on the floor. They won't even know I'm there. No! In the trunk, then. Just leave it open a crack so I can breathe.

Okay, but just a crack. No, what am I talking about? You can't come with me.

Let me at least stay here until midnight so my doorman will think that I had someplace to go.

It's Christmas Eve. What the hell? I'm going to let you go home early. Go on. Get out of here. Merry Christmas. Louie, I get off in six minutes.

Why? Why, Alex? This is the second year in a row I've let them choose where to spend Christmas and they picked their father. Now I'm wondering if they love him more than they love me. Why? Why, Alex? Well, doesn't he have that great, uh, ski chalet in Aspen?

♪ Grab your coat and get your hat, Elaine ♪ ♪ Leave your worries by the doorstep, Elaine ♪ ♪ Life can be so sweet, Elaine ♪ ♪ On the sunny side of the ♪ ♪ Sunny side of the ♪ ♪ Sunny side of the street, Elaine ♪ ♪ Cheer up for the holidays and have a merry Christmas ♪ ♪ Elaine. ♪

I hope that little wink doesn't mean you're going to do something like that for me. Why? Because I would feel very embarrassed at everybody staring at me while some Phillip Morris boy came in here and tap-danced and sang at me.

You've got nothing to worry about, Alex. I would never send a Phillip Morris boy for a guy like you.

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪ ♪ Alex Reiger should be jolly ♪ ♪ That's why Jim has sent me here ♪ ♪ Take it from a dancing fruitcake ♪ ♪ You should be happy 'cause you're such a ♪ ♪ Cute cake. ♪

♪ Take it from a dancing fruitcake ♪ ♪ You should be happy 'cause you're such a ♪ ♪ Cute cake. ♪

On behalf of myself and the Sunshine Cab Company, on this Christmas Eve, I just want to say... watch out for drunk drivers and don't pick up anybody who might puke in your cab. Noel, Noel, joy to the world. And get your butts out of here.

I didn't say they had to work. I just said, if they didn't work, they might not get cabs with the luxuries that they've grown accustomed to... like reverse.

I don't think I'll be able to cash a check made out to 'The Bloodsucking Jackal.'

Really? Why? Who would question it?

Louie... Louie, you poor, pathetic thing. You only wanted money because you thought you weren't going to be invited. Oh, Louie. Oh, Louie, Louie, Louie. Poor Louie.

Do you like Christmas ham with, uh, honey glaze and pineapples on it? Yeah. Good. Then you better bring one.

Did you eat all that?! You know, I eat when I'm depressed. I ate everything in the refrigerator.

Did you know that Frosty the Snowman melted in the end?

Can I get you anything? A gallon of Rocky Road and cable TV.

You want to go to a party? Did you invite me to a party? Or did I just have a hypoglycemic rush?

Every Christmas my family would get a-a big, beautiful, Scotch pine tree. We'd gather around and watch the servants decorate it.

Not there, you fool! Higher and to the left!

So the guy leaves the cab, and I say, 'Wait a minute. You forgot your gift,' and he says, 'No, no, no, you keep it. You deserve it more than she does.'

A pair of panties. They say, 'Property of Hell's Angels.' Big spender. A four-dollar item. Six-fifty.

Alex, do you have to call me your ex-wife? Oh, excuse me. You remember Phyllis, my podiatrist?

And since I have none of those, I'm glad to be here.

A party of 49 and me. Not one of those 49 people asked me to join them.

By a bus, I hope.

I am a lonely, middle-aged woman unable to deal with Christmas.

Who invited Alex's podiatrist?

Now, you guys steal anything, I break your heads. Say Merry Christmas. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I said say Merry Christmas. Say it! And God bless you. Say it!

Oh, and in our country, it is a tradition that the oldest woman leads it. Oh, no. Oh, great; just great. When were you born? Uh, February, 1952. February what? Fourth.

Dear Lord, no offense, but, uh, could you spend less time with the people that don't need it? I mean, like the women from the Ice Capades and ballplayers. I mean, Lord, what do you care if a guy's stranded on second base?

Dear Lord, no offense, but, uh, could you spend less time with the people that don't need it? I mean, like the women from the Ice Capades and ballplayers. I mean, Lord, what do you care if a guy's stranded on second base?

Phyllis, you're nudging God.

Also, for me, Lord, stop short skirts and bring back two refills per prescription on Valium.

Nice of you to throw that in, Phyllis.

If I could die now, I'd be a happy man.

You can be as depressing as you want. It won't hurt, because I've got money.

I didn't know what to pick, so I told 'em to send everything.

It's my Christmas gift to you. Uh-huh. So, how do you like your present? Like it? L-Like it? I love it. It's perfect. How-How did you know? Well, it was either that, or a shirt.

It's my Christmas gift to you. / Uh-huh. / So, how do you like your present? / Like it? L-Like it? I love it. It's perfect. How-How did you know? / Well, it was either that, or a shirt.

Come on, let's just pretend, you know... I don't want... I don't want to... Alex, come on, we'll just pretend it's New Year's Eve. Okay? Right here. No, we don't have to do this. Four... Phyllis... Three... Oh, come on, Phyllis. Two... Please, please. One. Why don't you just make it a nice... ♪ Should auld acquaintance ♪ Phyllis, Phyllis, stop that. ♪ Be forgot ♪ Phyllis, Phyllis, stop that. I'm not gonna do it, Phyllis.