Alexs Old Buddy

Now I know what drove Scott Fitzgerald to drink.

You drained your soul into the typewriter for naught.

Therefore, we are returning your M♪A♪S♪H script herewith.

Oh! Ho-ho! You wrote a script for M♪A♪S♪H? I gave birth to a script for M♪A♪S♪H...

Hawkeye has to perform surgery on Colonel Potter, all the while being disrupted by shelling from the North Koreans and a Zaxalonian starship.

Their bodies are the size of a grape.

The queen of the Zaxalonians, disguised as an earring, falls in love with Klinger.

Comedy... tragedy... and a statement against war. And a pie fight.

So guess who's going to be licking my face in 15 minutes. Not me.

Buddy Hackett?

You must have stole him from a circus!

Buddy? You mean that shipment you're expecting is Buddy? Yeah. Your dog? Yeah. The man-eater?

I thought that wretched cur had been dead for years. Damn it! I slept better thinking that that mongrel was roasting in doggie hell.

You bit him first.

Oh, I don't know, Alex. Uh, they say that once a dog has tasted slime...

You won't be making funny remarks, Nardo, when that dog's got his fangs in your vocal cords.

Reiger, that dog had better be in a cage and muzzled because he is a hound of hell. He's a devil dog.

Buddy, come on. I know you can talk. Say, 'Reiger.' Reiger. Come on, the 'rrr' and the 'grr' are easy. All you gotta do is put an 'E' in it. Reiger.

You like it when I'm an idiot to you, don't you? I love it.

Don't worry about nothin', Alex. I not going to tell nobody about this. If anybody finds out about this, it'll be because Buddy can't keep his mouth shut.

Keps! That's it? If you wanted a bigger blessing, you should've got a elephant.

You know, Alex, the greatest trick that a dog ever did, the one where you point your finger like a gun and you shoot Buddy the Wonder Dog and he staggers, as though mortally wounded, and then he spins around as if he's dying a slow, agonizing death until he shudders, collapses, breathes his last breath, falls over on his back, kicks all four legs up into the air and dies.

No, uh, I-I think it's been exaggerated. I mean, basically, what I do is I point my finger at him and he just lies down on the floor.

Yeah, that's about 600. It's 133. I said 'about.'

Return with us now to the thrilling days of yesteryear. Look out, Buddy! There's one on the roof behind you. Look out! You can't see him! Oh! It's too late. Bang!

You got such a stupid beast!

Uh, Alex, a dog is like an automobile. No matter how well you take care of it, eventually, the parts will wear out.

So what's wrong with the dog, Doc? Is it a transmission or do his paws need rotating?

Yes, that was a bad analogy.

I think I should say that a dog is, is like a wine. Yes, a French Burgundy, that has its peak years... and then, later on...

Doctor, would you just tell me when a dog is like a dog?

I know, I know! I did it to amuse the dog. He happens to like humor. You love it, Buddy? Come on, Buddy. You like funny stuff, don't you?

Ooh, this smells delicious. I didn't know you cooked. That stuff on the stove is, uh, dog food.

Don't be modest. This is excellent. No, really, it's dog food. It's for my dog.

Fish by-products, artificial caramel coloring and pork organs. Oh, my... God.

Nobody should eat that stuff.

That's why your apartment looks like a testing lab for Hartz Mountain.

He's got a weak bladder. Sometimes, when I come home, there's a rainbow in here.

Uh, yeah, actually he likes the Letterman show, but he complains about too many commercials.

You haven't tasted them? No, I-I... Come on, try one. No, I-I don't really like them. I... Come on, Alex. Ah, nah... Oh. Have another. Whoo. No, no...

I'm sorry. You can't have any of these, Buddy. These are people food.

Marino was blind?! Legally blind. He could still sort of see. The dog barked at red lights. It was during the strike. I tried it out for a week. It didn't work.

He could still sort of see. The dog barked at red lights. It was during the strike. I tried it out for a week. It didn't work.

Look, the dog is senile, Reiger. I mean, look at him. His brain has turned to Alpo.

If he doesn't do it, I'll walk out of here right now with the dog. But if he does it, he goes with me in my cab. And what's more, I'll let him drive.

Return with us now to the thrilling days of yesteryear. That's five aces you got there, partner. You know what we do to cheats in Dodge City, don't you? Up. You... Bang!

Visual gag: Buddy actually performs the death trick perfectly

That is the best dog trick ever. I've never seen anything so convincing.

Uh-oh.

Let me buy you a cup of coffee. I have a cup of coffee. Well, let me give you the quarter back. I don't want your quarter. Let-Let me buy you another cup of coffee.

It wasn't like he was a human being. He was a dog; just a dog. And the dog died.