The Alma Matter

Hilary · Will:Don't worry, Will, I made breakfast. / Damn, I'm full. Couldn't eat another bite.

Hilary:Come on, Will. I know what I'm doing. Remember, I was a professional caterer.

Will:And you still would be if you hadn't poisoned those nuns.

Hilary:The autopsy was inconclusive.

Will · Hilary:These eggs aren't bad. / What's the crunchy stuff? / Great, you found my contact.

Will · Uncle Phil:And the guy getting slapped by the girl? / That's Clarence Thomas.

Uncle Phil · Will:My dining club's what made me the man I am today. / No, that's too easy.

Will:If you don't know which seat is his... it'll be the one with the legs all bent out up from under it.

Will:Come on, I gave you a free one earlier.

Will:You gotta be facing somebody's butt to do this handshake?

Will:If they was looking for a few good Pygmies, you'd have been a shoe in.

Carlton:there's no one at Bel-Air Prep that comes close to having my grades... or my willingness to flatter authority figures... without a thought to personal dignity.

Carlton:By the way, you look really great in denim.

Will:Man, I tell you, you ain't got to worry about me applying... to no old Bugie or Muffy and Biffo... chicken-head old kind of...

Uncle Phil:Will, the standards of the Jim-Bob School of Trucking are pretty darn high.

Carlton:Simple, I'm here to pick up the shattered pieces of your self-esteem... to nourish you in your hour of defeat.

Will · Carlton:Because when I come out of here a broken man... you wanna be the first person to rub my nose in it? / No, I'm really here for you, Will. / Then why did you bring a video camera?

Interviewer · Will:Mr. Will Smith. / Yo. / 'Yo'?

Will:Well, actually, I wanna go to Sea World, but is Princeton along the way?

Will · Ed:You're funny. / We frown on that at Princeton.

Ed:Unless one counts detention, in which case you lead the league.

Will:But my jacket is a fashion miracle, though, isn't it?

Ed · Will:And your hat is on backwards. / We frown on that at Princeton. / Y'all frown on a lot of stuff at Princeton.

Ed · Will:Princeton has some of the most intelligent young women in the country. / There's no way I would make a crass generalization about such a diverse group. / Any cute honeys? / No.

Will:Will solves the Rubik's cube

Will:Peace out, E-Money.

Will:I don't know, the size of Barry White's hot tub.

Will:I'm guessing that one wasn't Madonna.

Will:I told him about the hood back in Philly. And he told me about some stuff called Spam.

Will:Did my lips say Volvo? My lips meant to say Jag.

Carlton:Yo, what's up?

Carlton:You don't have to call me Mr. Banks. My posse calls me Rap Master C.

Carlton:Rap Master is my name. Ask me again and I'll tell you the same.

Carlton:Didn't mean to dis you, can I get you a tissue?

Carlton:Let me teach you how to vogue. Strike a pose.

Ed:Mr. Banks, are you on some sort of medication?

Ed:Unfortunately, at this time... Princeton doesn't accept the clinically insane.

Carlton:See where Princeton comes in? Right after 'lose virginity.'

Carlton:You know, my sister Hilary's not bad-looking and after two drinks or so... she'll do just about anything

Carlton:Big friends with lots of body hair and mozzarella on their breath. Capisce?

Will:Because Carlton doesn't have any friends... and I'll have to dance with him.

Carlton:you big poopy.

Will:'Cause I don't say stuff like 'big poopy'?

Carlton:No offense, Tom, but I always thought my guardian angel would be black.

Tom Jones:Well, I knew Otis Redding.

Tom Jones:But I could probably pull some strings and have you moved opposite Roseanne.

Will:'Good morning'? You sure you don't mean, 'Die, you gravy-sucking pig'?

Will:Go easy on him, Uncle Phil. He's a moron.

Uncle Phil:I could never like Will. Well, I mean, I like him... Wait a minute, here I am lying to you.

Carlton:There's no need to be cruel.