Hilary Banks

Hilary:Hi. Dad, I need $300. / Hi. Dad, I need $300.

Hilary:Look, if this weren't a good idea, I really don't think Ally Sheedy would be involved.

Hilary:Not Will. President Reagan.

Guest · Hilary:Where can I send a donation? / I don't know.

Hilary:Can't a person gargle in peace?

Hilary · Will:What's so funny? - Carlton told a joke. No, Hilary. Carlton is a joke.

Hilary:I just don't want to do it, okay?

Ashley · Philip · Hilary:Daddy, it's a diamond. No, it isn't. - You don't like it? - No, I do not. Can I have it?

Vivian · Will · Hilary · Carlton:Philip, when I met you, you were into James Brown. - He liked James Brown? - He even wore his hair like him. He had hair?

Hilary:Same thing.

Will · Hilary:Give her a break, Hilary. She just won the Kentucky Derby.

Hilary · Ashley:God, you're so shallow. I hate you. You're stupid and ugly and I wish you would die. -Sorry. -Okay.

Hilary:Baby!

Hilary:Get your own geisha.

Hilary:I finally found the perfect pair of alligator pumps... to wear to the Save the Everglades rally tonight.

Hilary:That fat girl?

Hilary:Not today. Liposuction.

Hilary:Just wave a chili-cheese dog in front of her nose... and see how much of your arm you come back with.

Hilary:Wasn't he gorgeous?

Hilary:Is it a cash award?

Hilary:Reporter? Photographer? New dress.

Hilary:Daddy, this is wonderful. Two new dresses.

Reporter · Hilary:Your father sent a picture in already. Am I in it? Yes, you are. Am I pretty?

Hilary · Uncle Phil:Dad, I need $200. I'll take him to Hilaryland.

Hilary:You know, it's like communications. It's, like, the study of communicating, okay?

Hilary:Don't worry, Mrs. Banks. No one will ever see it.

Aunt Viv · Hilary:What job could he have in the law firm? I don't know. Lawyer?

Hilary · Uncle Phil · Carlton:Dad, has Mom been drinking? Nonsense, Carlton. She's just being polite to our lovely houseguest. Have you been drinking?

Hilary:Mom, take it down 1,000.

Hilary:Coach?

Hilary:Well, I'm in a bad mood, and somebody is going to suffer.

Ashley · Hilary:Hilary, you're sitting right next to the phone. I don't care. I'm your babysitter. I command you.

Hilary · Geoffrey:Let me know if it's for me. But, Miss Hilary, I'm off duty. And you're sitting right next to the phone. Yeah, but you're facing the phone.

Hilary:To reward her, we went to this café that's owned by John Cougar Mellencamp... Kim Basinger, and Doogie Howser's business manager.

Hilary:Arrested? By who? The fashion police?

Hilary:We heard the buzz about this event on Melrose.

Hilary:That's right. I suppose I just get my horoscope out of the air.

Hilary:Yeah. It's a good look for him.

Hilary:Couldn't you wear a very tailored clown suit or something?

Hilary:I have some bad news for both of you. You're not invited.

Hilary:I need to get my costume and the mall closes in eight hours.

Hilary · Ashley · Hilary:There. You're Charlie Chaplin. / Who is Charlie Chaplin? / He was a silent movie star. / So take a hint.

Hilary:At least five. I'm going as a runway model.

Hilary:It is so important to have friends in retail. I've tried to explain that to my little sister.

Hilary:Derbies went out six months ago.

Hilary:I don't know exactly, but it's fair to guess that 'stunning' was part of it.

Hilary:I don't know exactly, but it's fair to guess that 'stunning' was part of it.

Hilary:Well, your super fly's open.

Hilary:I don't know exactly, but it's fair to guess that 'stunning' was part of it.

Hilary:Well, your super fly's open.

Hilary:Mother, please. Don't talk down to me.

Carlton · Hilary:I can see myself. I can't.

Carlton · Hilary:Hilary, you can't ask him to wrap his own present. I guess that's another one of those unwritten rules.

Hilary:Sure, maybe during a blackout.

Hilary:Daddy.

Hilary:In 55 seconds. Just tell us when to zap it.

Hilary:Okay, then I'll keep the sweater.

Hilary:You both speak English.

Hilary:Look. That's Tom Cruise's pool cleaner. And that's Cher's electrolysist. And that's Heather Locklear.

Hilary:What's with the Band-Aid? Was your brain leaking?

Hilary:There's Demi Moore's cable man.

Will · Jazz · Hilary:Aunt Viv, don't you think if we went down to watch them practice... Carlton would be a little embarrassed? - Let's go. - Let's go.

Hilary:If I didn't show up to support him, what kind of cousin would I be? It'll be three hours well spent. Three hours?

Hilary:You were great. You didn't make any baskets or anything... but you looked cute in your uniform. I think it's great how you don't get it too sweaty. I guess it's 'cause you don't run too fast. Smart move.

Hilary:He did turn around to the guy behind him once and say: 'Shut up. That's my son you're talking about.'

Hilary:Besides, if that basket were two feet lower... you'd be just as good as he is.

Hilary · Jazz:Jazz, you bet against Will? Yeah. He screws up, I'm loaded.

Hilary · Philip:From the moment they're hatched to the moment they're shrink-wrapped... turkeys are raised to be food, and nothing but food. Hilary, I don't think too many of them had aspirations... to be doctors or lawyers.

Vivian · Ashley · Hilary · Will:This is not a drill. It's a fire? My God, I'm going back for my new suede boots. Don't try to stop me. While you're up there, get my lucky drawers!

Hilary · Will:My God, I'm going back for my new suede boots. Don't try to stop me. While you're up there, get my lucky drawers!

Hilary:It has a real New Year's resolution feel to it.

Hilary:Do you realize there's a bump forming back there?

Hilary:Why don't you just put a yoke around my neck and hitch me to a plow?

Hilary:It seems that little Mr. Poppin' Fresh doesn't want to come out of his tube. Perhaps this will persuade him.

Mr. Fellows · Hilary:Interesting. I've never had them before with this thick black crust. It's Cajun style.

Hilary · Will:Will Smith is perfect. Why, thank you. It's so nice to be appreciated.

Hilary:However, Will Smith is the pinnacle of manliness.

Hilary:Will Smith is the scum of the earth.

Hilary:You want me to join the Army?

Will · Hilary:We're going to bed just as soon as we finish this frog-leg soup.

Will · Hilary:There wasn't enough frog to make more than two bowls.

Hilary:should I send the box of pears or the meat thermometer to Steve Guttenberg?

Hilary:You remind me so much of Judd Nelson.

Hilary:I'm not speaking to Bruce. I'll tell you about it later.

Hilary · Will:I just told my boss, 'Teach me. I'm a blank slate.' / At least you're honest.

Hilary:So, when customers come in the door, I ignore them. If they ask me about a piece of art, I look right through them. If they ask for a price, I go like this... [gesture] And walk away.

Ashley · Hilary:Hilary, it sounds like they hired you to be a snob. / I guess they saw something in me.

Hilary · Ashley:Federal taxes? This is an outrage. Didn't President Bush say, 'No new taxes'? / But federal taxes aren't new. / They are to me.

Hilary:And who is this FICA guy?

Hilary · Geoffrey:It's like, I mean... Leave me alone! You're hired.

Hilary · Jazz:In that case, I want to marry you and have your child. / I'm down with that, too.

Hilary:Hey, meet me again.

Hilary:Well, these aren't used.

Hilary:I'm glad you found a time that was convenient for you to call.

Hilary:Yeah, that'll be happening, Mr. God's Gift to the Fifth Grade.

Hilary:Come here.

Hilary:Spending all your time shopping, going to lunch with your friends... and just sitting around being waited on hand and foot. I wonder what that would be like.

Hilary:Mother, are you kidding? Mel Gibson in tights?

Hilary:I was always losing my car keys so I went down to the key store and had 30 copies made. That way when I lose a key, I always have another one. And next month, I do the same thing.

Philip · Hilary:You mean, there are copies of our house key all over Los Angeles? Don't worry, Daddy. I put our name and address on all of them.

Vivian · Hilary:What is it this time, Hilary? I've started recycling.

Hilary:After all, in a couple of years, I'm going to have my own family and my own butler.

Hilary:Hello. Rice Krispie Treats?

Hilary:remember, you don't have to pet to be popular.

Hilary:And if all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it, too?

Hilary:And no running in the house. You'll put your eye out.

Hilary:You blew $300 and you don't even have a sweater to show for it.

Hilary:I handled it, I prevailed, and now I think I'm ready to have children of my own.

Hilary:The back row? The light is completely different there. I have to change.

Hilary:What, are you kidding? They're going to kill you guys.

Hilary:Two seats.

Hilary:Yeah, but still, do I look okay?

Hilary:No, Mom. Let's do it again. I wasn't happy with what I did.

Hilary:You know the drill.

Hilary:I'm supposed to be nice to everyone who likes me? How much time do you think I have?

Hilary · Will:She won an Oscar. / Nominated.

Hilary · Will:And she was in one of the top 10 movies of all time. / Eight years ago.

Hilary · Will:She needs a new assistant because she just got back from a well-deserved year off. / Nose job.

Hilary · Will:How did you know all of that? / I have an inquiring mind.

Hilary:What do you mean you give up? This is fun. No, guess again.

Hilary · Marissa:Isn't he, like, my age? / I see. I get it.

Hilary:I know... but I'm the envy of all my friends.

Hilary:That was a wonderful imitation of a creepy spider you just did, Jazz.

Hilary:Six.

Hilary · Jazz:Really? / Psych.

Hilary · Jazz:I'd only say 'yes' because I felt like I owed you something. That's cool with me.

Hilary:I don't think it's a good time. I'd only say 'yes' because I felt like I owed you something.

Hilary:Isn't that romantic? He's quoting Elmer Fudd.

Carlton · Hilary:Hillary, you promised I could tell. -I know. I lied.

Hilary:Everyone from the A list is gonna be there, which means... none of my friends are gonna be there, which means... they are all going to corrode with envy and hate my guts. I love it!

Hilary:Gosh, Mom, who put the rusty nails in your granola?

Hilary:I feel like I'm sitting in coach.

Hilary:Do I need to bring up the culotte incident?

Hilary:And to think I was gracious enough to let her invite her hayseed grandmother.

Hilary:I always find that when you ask for large sums, it helps if you take his hand... look deep into his eyes, and tell him you have cramps.

Hilary:You'd be surprised how fast you can eat a sponge cake when you have to.

Hilary:Sew a dress. I saw it on The Brady Bunch.

Hilary:Sounds Iike somebody with a bad haircut.

Hilary:And if you value your tip, stop looking at my behind.

Hilary:Hilary: 'Like, I read about it, okay?'

Hilary · Worker:Hillary: 'Lady, don't you know any other words?' Worker: 'No.'

Hilary:This is not a Ninja-Turtle wedding.

Hilary:Later on this afternoon, you ladies can go skating on it.

Hilary:Ta-da! No, wait. That's for me. Oops! For me again. Here it is.

Hilary · Geoffrey:"What's wrong with you, girl? I gave you two weeks salary and you got a pot holder?"

Hilary:"The second time I had to pretend I was my own twin."

Hilary:When I realized I'd have to raise my right hand, I stopped to buy gloves. Could you just die?

Hilary:Because I don't know what they mean.

Hilary:Oopsy.

Will · Hilary:Come on, Ash, not many women can carry off plaid. / And here comes one now.

Hilary:I wanna play!

Hilary:No, I meant everyone always mistakes me for Whitney Houston.

Hilary:I'm like a mother to these children

Hilary · Carlton · Will:Carlton, haul the brats. / I'm expecting company. / Yeah, I'll put it in the oven for you.

Hilary:I don't know, that's what Dad always says to me.

Hilary:My God, Geoffrey needs to clean up around here.

Hilary:Vivian Banks: any job she wants.

Will · Hilary:I ain't down with that old country club stuff... sitting around all night discussing mayonnaise... with four white guys named Biff. Isn't Biff a riot?

Hilary:Yeah, but if I take all of you I won't have enough money left over to buy a hat.

Hilary · Uncle Phil:Daddy, these tickets are aII wrong. They Iook aII right to me, sweetheart. But Daddy, they're... coach. Better watch it, HiI. Next thing you know, you'II be riding the... bus.

Hilary:I will never eat again. / So where are we going to lunch tomorrow?

Hilary:Well, when your looks go, they'll still respect you.

Philip · Hilary:$300 dollars for shoes. / Point being?

Hilary:I'm making a New Year's resolution to find a job. Right after Easter.

Hilary:I want my employer to want me for me, not for what I've accomplished.

Will · Hilary:What? Your body? / No, my résumé.

Hilary · Will:I don't know, 4 maybe 500. / Okay, there we go. 6,000 hours of catering experience.

Hilary · Will:Yes. I gained 10 pounds eating croissants. / Studied pastry making with the French masters.

Hilary · Will:I burned the entire stove to a crisp. / Expert in the art of flambé.

Hilary:Please. You can't afford me.

Hilary:By that you mean, the crew that serves? / By that you mean, the room where the party is?

Hilary:Say it once, say it loud, we've got brie and we're proud!

Will · Hilary:Oh, look, a Donna Karan suit right in the middle of the kitchen floor! What color?

Hilary:Maybe in Des Moines. This is L.A., okay?

Hilary:I quit. I had to, it irritated my chin.

Hilary:I was starting to get feet like Fred Flintstone.

Hilary:But they wanted me to go to away games on a bus!

Hilary:She can sculpt cauliflower into a bust of Barbra Streisand!

Hilary:But she's so dowdy. Can I be Princess Caroline instead?

Hilary · Geoffrey:Work sucks. But you already know that, don't you?

Hilary:Are you kidding? He's our butler.

Hilary:Get the heck out of here.

Patient · Hilary:Hey there, Herman. No, it's Hilary. But you can call me Herman if you want to.

Hilary:Well, not exactly, but I've seen every single episode of St. Elsewhere.

Hilary:It's sort of a shooting pain. It shoots from one ankle to the other.

Alec · Hilary:Mandela was freed two years ago. And I, for one, want to make sure he stays that way.

Hilary:Is 7:01 okay?

Hilary:Well, no. But I did talk several of them into shaving under their arms.

Hilary:Who's up for meatloaf?

Hilary:Next time I donate an organ, I'm just gonna let someone else perform the surgery.

Hilary:Are you teaching her to read?

Hilary:And I lied. I really did think Eldridge Cleaver was a big chopping knife.

Hilary:Is that why you always play Hot Fun in the Summertime on my birthday?

Hilary:No phone service for 24 hours? This is a nightmare. I mean, it's like we've vanished off the face of the earth!

Hilary:I hate to sound paranoid... but do we really know if Mom and Dad are who they say they are? Or if their names are really Mom and Dad?

Phil · Vivian · Hilary:As a matter of fact, she said she was going to a nuclear power plant in Texas. But then again, she did mention a migrant workers' camp in Salinas. No, honey, she said she was going to a voters' registration drive in Biloxi. Well, I thought she was just going to Saks.

Hilary:'You are headed for a fall. Beware. Accidents can happen.' Those things are so stupid.

Hilary:Mom, have I told you that every year you grow even more youthful? You're going to be well into your 40s before you need plastic surgery.

Hilary:You never got me a pony.

Hilary:Will... shake something, damn it!

Hilary · Will:Daddy, I need $500. / Hil, you should really consider expanding your vocabulary a little.

Hilary · Will:The big, fat vein in Daddy's head is starting to throb. / it ain't really serious till his right eye start twitching.

Hilary:That is the last time I buy sushi out of the trunk of a car.

Hilary:That's between me, that man, and his video camera.

Hilary:Night, Sister Mary Margaret.

Hilary:We're not Catholic. Well, is my face red. Good night.

Hilary:I also said Daddy lost weight.

Hilary:Because your soda's flat.

Hilary · Carlton:Who's Hector? I don't know, but be nice to him... he's got a bat.

Hilary:Hector, I love what you've done with the place.

Hilary:Great! I'm going to plan a party.

Hilary:Ew! And I'm not baby-sitting. I'm not changing diapers. And I'm not sharing my trust fund.

Hilary:The catering business is so unfair. I mean, a couple of nuns get botulism and all of a sudden, I'm blacklisted.

Hilary:Wait a minute. I have to move out? Whose fault is it that she's pregnant?

Hilary:But this is all so sudden. I mean, like, if I'd only had some kind of warning or something.

Hilary:Again?

Hilary:What a week. First, those damn nuns, now this.

Hilary:A word to the wise, Will: Stay in high school forever.

Hilary:I can't believe how hard it is to find a beachfront place... with a pool and tennis court for $500 a month. I mean, what's happening to this country? It's enough to make me want to vote.

Hilary:You're not going to be happy until I'm living in a trailer, eating Spam on Ritz. I mean, that's where this is going, isn't it?

Hilary:You give a man a fish, you feed him for a day... But you give a man a cow and he can eat for a month, maybe more.

Hilary:I'm going to live in the pool house. You said I had to be out of the house, but not off of the property.

Hilary · Philip:Hilary immediately proves Will's point by asking Philip to increase her credit card limit

Hilary:Hilary says 'This is the last time I shop here for fruit' about the grocery store

Hilary:When asked what she has to say for herself, Hilary responds 'I'm not pregnant'

Hilary:Hilary asks 'Why don't you just beat me with a wire hanger?' when told to get a job

Hilary:Yeah, polyester.

Hilary · Geoffrey:Hilary says the reporter is cute and wonders why she's never seen him, Geoffrey responds 'Probably 'cause this is the news and he's never been on Studs'

Hilary:When asked about weather, Hilary responds 'What happens when it rains? You send Geoffrey out to get the car'

Hilary:Hilary's weather report: 'That's right, girls, it's a frizzy-hair day.'

Hilary:Hilary's beach advice: 'remember... you can help keep America beautiful with two simple words... Jenny Craig.'

Will · Hilary:Hilary, your hair's on fire. - Thanks.

Hilary · Trevor:Hilary says goodnight to Trevor who responds 'Good night and Godspeed' - his sign-off

Hilary:What am I, psychic?

Hilary:I was born beautiful. What are you selling?

Hilary:Here comes the judge. Here comes the judge. Order in the court! Here comes the judge.

Hilary:It wouldn't kill you to crack a smile, you know.

Hilary · Will:Daddy, he said the only choice a woman should have... is with or without the lights on. / See, now that's disgusting. The lights should be off.

Hilary:No, I mean, that those women didn't shave under their arms.

Hilary:No, Will, I don't want ribs, I don't want to wax your ride... and I don't even know what a Chumpy is.

Hilary:Beauty makeover? With this face? I don't think so.

Hilary:And you know how often I'm right. Bye.

Hilary:You know, I feel really comfortable like this, too, Geoffrey. I mean, I don't need to hide behind cosmetics. I'm beautiful just the way I am.

Hilary:Oh, my God. It's Trevor. Quick, get my hot comb.

Hilary:And I think I speak for everyone in this room when I say: 'What am I going to wear?'

Alexis · Hilary:You have beautiful hair. I know.

Hilary:You are so brave. I mean, wearing red shoes with a pink dress.

Hilary:I mean, when I lost my job and he kicked me out of the house... he let me live out back.

Uncle Phil · Hilary:Oh, God! You have just made the blooper reel.

Philip · Hilary:All right, Hilary, how much do you want? / No, I'm talking about... Well, $100.

Hilary · Philip:where do you stand on a woman's right to choose the restaurant? / I think we should leave that up to the Supreme Court.

Hilary · Reporter:Look, my father just lost an election. I mean, I'm not totally insensitive. / How about tomorrow? / Great.

Hilary · Carlton:Well, Will, you really knocked them dead the other night, huh? / Don't get him mad, Mom. You don't want to make him raise his voice.

Carlton · Hilary:Will, you should be ashamed of yourself. How could you do such a thing? Hope you never get mad at me.

Hilary:And hell is like the Valley.

Hilary · Philip:What do you think, Daddy? / I think we're all damn lucky Hilary has a job. / Thanks, Daddy.

Hilary · Carlton · Ashley:Sorry, homework. - Tennis lesson. I just don't want to.

Hilary:Well, I hope you're all happy. Now I'm gonna have a big, ugly, red circle in the middle of my forehead. I'll look just like Carlton's yearbook picture.

Hilary:If it's a boy, it's blue.

Hilary:Hi, this is Hilary. Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm not in so... so leave a...

Hilary:How sad. Some people will do anything for money. I mean, why don't they just ask their fathers?

Hilary:Now, if anyone asks, I'm 21 and I fought in Desert Storm.

Hilary:And could you pick up my dress from the dry cleaner's?

Hilary:Oh, my God, I've got to make myself look less attractive. I know, I'll put on something of Mom's.

Hilary:Mom's 50 years old and you haven't pushed her out the door.

Hilary · Ashley:Aren't you forgetting something, baby sister? - You're prettier than I'll ever be. - Something else.

Hilary:So, tell me about your day at school... and move a little to the left.

Hilary:Y ou poor baby. Use the other arm.

Ashley · Hilary:Can I put the fan down first? - This time. It is your birthday.

Hilary:A spit polish. I meant on the shoes.

Hilary:Geoffrey is so lazy.

Hilary:Okay, but I'm not sitting between you and the dessert cart. Last time I almost lost an eye.

Hilary:Why don't we just go eat out of a dumpster?

Hilary:Well, you know how I'm always borrowing your things? Well, you don't have to worry about this one.

Hilary:Obviously, Will has been seeing a woman named Mercedes, Monique found out... and I'm still working on the wife part.

Hilary · Will:Don't worry, Will, I made breakfast. / Damn, I'm full. Couldn't eat another bite.

Hilary:Come on, Will. I know what I'm doing. Remember, I was a professional caterer.

Hilary:The autopsy was inconclusive.

Will · Hilary:These eggs aren't bad. / What's the crunchy stuff? / Great, you found my contact.

Hilary:Thank God. I thought it was the neighbor's kids.

Hilary:And for your information, dinner comes first.

Hilary:I know, and some electrolysis wouldn't hurt you, either.

Hilary:Look, this is an emergency. Do you have any mascara?

Hilary · Ashley:Look, you guys, Carlton's 18 now. I don't think we should continue to encourage that type of behavior. We're talking about the new baby.

Hilary · Phil:Look, I was thinking, you know, this week, maybe we could... get in a game of tennis at the club and maybe do lunch? - You and me? - Yeah. Good one, Daddy.

Hilary:He couldn't help it. He got his coat stuck in the door.

Phil · Hilary:It's wonderful spending time with one's family. - Daddy. - Yes, dearest? I'm feeling nauseous.

Carlton · Hilary:Boo! Get off the stage! We want our money back! Go back where you came from!

Hilary:I wish I could find a guy to lie to me like that.

Hilary:Welcome to the Briny Deep... where none of our prices are ever too steep. We've got fresh fish, you can look in our tank. To get to the bathroom, make a left at the plank. Follow me.

Hilary:Will Smith is the scum of the earth.

Hilary:Your Montrose vase... attracts dust like a magnet!

Hilary:Kill him? I want to know the name of his decorator.

Hilary:I wouldn't draw you a cartoon.

Hilary · Will:I could take care of him. / Yeah, but who's going to take care of you?

Hilary:I mean, people stare at me all the time, but I'm pretty.

Hilary:This morning, as he was leaving the pool house. I mean, this morning on the phone.

Philip · Hilary:Are you in love with Trevor? What's love got to do with it? I'm having a wedding.

Hilary:I already did. I'm going to register at Tiffany's.

Hilary:Or maybe we could book the Forum. I'm sure the Lakers will be on the road by then.

Hilary:I'm also Trevor's little girl.

Hilary:Then why does he make me wear those outfits?

Uncle Phil · Hilary:Please, whatever happened to getting down on one knee? / Daddy, that's for old fogies. / I got down on one knee. / Sustained.

Hilary:No, I mean technically. Am I a widow or what?

Hilary:If I hadn't asked for a special proposal...Trevor would be in my arms...instead of in my purse.

Hilary:Then who's this?

Hilary:Is he single?

Hilary:Right. He's up there with my little dog Scruffy.

Hilary:Every inch of that newsroom reminds me of Trevor. His desk, his makeup bib...the shower in his office.

Hilary:Go to the mall with my father? Sorry, I forgot.

Phil · Hilary:And you don't have to. Here. I'll even look the number up for you. Hello, Neiman's?

Hilary:Hilary immediately calling Neiman's and shopping by phone

Hilary:He reminds me of Trevor.

Hilary · crowd:Hey! Isn't that who played Greg Brady?! - Where? Hey, Greg, wait up!

Hilary:I don't know.

Hilary:Oh, God, it's not like I left him at Sizzler... Dad.

Hilary:Fine. [calls Bel-Air Hotel room service instead of making breakfast]

Hilary:Oh, don't worry, Daddy, this dress is surprisingly cool. It's like I'm wearing practically nothing.

Hilary:Oh, sorry, that 'LA' stands for Louisiana. Our high will be 112.

Hilary:Don't any of you touch me.

Hilary:Not on the séance, for the séance. I needed a new hat.

Hilary:Trevor's bungee accident left everything up in the air.

Hilary · Will:Let's go, everyone. I don't wanna keep Trevor waiting. What's the rush? Ain't like he going nowhere.

Hilary:Who would put a deco table on a Persian rug?

Hilary:I know his vibration.

Hilary:Do you know where I left my black suede purse?

Hilary:To think, all these years, I never appreciated you.

Hilary:I used to date a biker.

Hilary:They're gonna call it 'Warm Fronts.'

Hilary:What were we talking about?

Hilary:You've been playing tennis with the gardener again, haven't you?

Hilary:You're drooling on my pumps.

Carlton · Hilary:Where are you going? Shooting the rapids at Dead Man's Falls... But Trevor died doing a bungee jump. I know. I'm working up to that.

Will · Hilary:Whoa, whoa, Hil. That's not your parachute. That's my book bag. That would've been embarrassing.

Hilary:My therapist was right. You just aren't nurturing enough.

Doctor · Hilary:Oh, look at that, I'm being beeped. I didn't hear any beep.

Hilary:Where do they get these stories?

Hilary:But I think if Trevor were still alive, he'd want me to see other guys.

Hilary:But don't you think Italy is more of a second date kind of thing.

Hilary:Well, duh.

Hilary:He has a mole.

Hilary:But as the night went on, it got bigger and bigger... until it was all I could see.

Hilary:Oh, stop.

Hilary:Oh, the mole man. Tell him I moved.

Hilary:Hello, Spot... I mean, Scott.

Hilary:Did you see how huge his Adam's apple is?

Hilary:I mean, what's in there, a basketball?

Hilary:You're telling me that Trevor was reincarnated in Scott's throat?

Hilary:Oh, God, I hate soup.

Hilary:It's like watching a snake digest a rabbit.

Hilary:When I was a little girl, I never had any imaginary friends. I just used to play with Carlton's.

Hilary:And, God, they were such dweebs.

Ashley · Hilary:You mean, you've had nights where you felt fat and ugly? Okay, so I don't know exactly what you mean.

Hilary:Well, we all knew that Ashley was, well, cute... but with my help, she has turned into an absolute knockout.

Phil · Hilary:Well, honey... she looks like you. I know. Isn't it great?

Hilary:Oh, that's awful. But look on the bright side. You might have gotten dumped, but you look marvelous.

Will · Ashley · Hilary:Don't worry, Ash, there are plenty of men in the sea. You mean fish in the sea. No, I mean men, fish don't own yachts.

Ashley · Hilary:I didn't feel comfortable having Robert see me like that. I hope you're not mad. Ashley, you're my baby sister. I love you.

Hilary:you're just not gonna do the volume I do.

Hilary:There's certainly nothing wrong with you wanting to look just the way you are... you're just not gonna do the volume I do.

Geoffrey · Hilary:Well, Miss Hilary, I guess beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Yeah, right.

Hilary:I was mauled in the Saks shoe department. You need a license to drive, but they'll let anyone shop.

Hilary:What am I gonna get him, a mop?

Will · Hilary:Oh, yeah, he probably thought you was hot, creamy and rich. - Oh, yeah, that's it. I was pretty sure I wasn't mountain-grown.

Hilary:It's not made from nuts, it's from beans, so I guess I'm beans about coffee.

Hilary:I've always wondered, if coffee's made from beans...does that make it a vegetable?

Hilary:What do you think is propping up my makeup table?

Uncle Phil · Hilary:What the hell is a tangelo? - 'Tangelo', the fruit of a hybrid citrus tree...that is a cross between certain varieties of grapefruit and tangerine.

Hilary:'Unemployed. Out of work, jobless, not being used. I.E., a person who does not have a job.' See, the answer is right at your fingertips.

Hilary:Not exactly. The second definition of throttle is, 'To strangle, choke.' Killing is the result of throttling.

Hilary · Will:Get to the insulting part. 'Hilary Banks doesn't know the difference between a cirrus cloud and a cumulus cloud.' What is the difference? Will, look around. Do you see my TelePrompTer here?

Hilary:Can't you just throw them in jail or something?

Philip · Hilary:Did you really refer to Hurricane Robert as Bobby? Well, Robert just sounded so serious. It was serious, darling. It wiped out half of Miami. Well, excuse me for trying to spread a little sunshine.

Hilary:Someone who knows what it's like to be hated. 555-9021. Oh, Shannen? Hi. Hilary Banks. You remember that I Hate Brenda thing that you went through? What do you mean you don't know me? You spilled a drink on me at Roxbury. Hello? Boy, she's not gonna make many friends with that attitude.

Hilary:What do you mean you don't know me? You spilled a drink on me at Roxbury. Hello?

Hilary · Philip:If I watch the weather in New York, I'll have a three-hour jump on the competition. Honey, that might not work every time.

Hilary:Chance of snow and a minus three wind chill. Well, my work is done. I'm going shopping.

Hilary:Now, dress warm, it's gonna snow.

Hilary:Who is this Bosnia person I keep hearing about?

Hilary:Daddy, there's a man under my bed and I didn't tell him to hide there.

Hilary:How are they going to fence all that crushed velvet?

Hilary:Can't he be like other dogs and quietly lick himself?

Hilary · Will:Hilary. Oh, that's all right. Don't worry about it. Aunt Viv, you can still surprise me with that red sweater you hiding in the upstairs closet.

Will · Hilary:Listen, she got a private jet. She has yacht. Does she have a brother?

Hilary:No, there's gonna be patchy morning fog with limited visibility.

Hilary:Sergai keeps the salon open till 9. I'm gonna see if he can squeeze my head in.

Hilary:I look like a troll doll.

Hilary:Sleep with one eye open.

Hilary:Once the bread is in those little slots, you just slide the lever down?

Hilary:Not now, I'm learning how to cook.

Hilary:This is going to be a breeze.

Hilary:But there's really nothing to it.

Geoffrey · Hilary:Oh, Miss Hilary, could you pass me that heavy iron skillet over there? Hello. How thoughtless of me.

Geoffrey · Hilary:No. Can you say that to me? Well, let's try it again. No. By George, I've got it. - No, no.

Hilary:I think there's something wrong with the stove.

Hilary:Or wasn't there a sign or something in the trailer park?

Hilary:Some old lady fractured her hip and broke her leg in five places. Do I have the worst luck or what?

Hilary:I'm too good for you.

Hilary:Duane? Do you fix microwaves?

Hilary:No offense, Will, but I would never buy a car from you.

Hilary:And I'm the Baroness Natasha. I am on holiday in your country with my husband, the baron, and my lover...Gustav.

Hilary:Yes, of course, I take six. Gustav, pay the man.

Hilary · Vivian:What's wrong with her face? Sweetheart, it's electronically scrambled.

Hilary:Mother, for God's sake, he's half your age.

Jewel · Hilary:Thanks, and I guess it's true what they say: Can't buy good taste. Hey.

Hilary:Oh, my God. What am I saying?

Hilary:And on top of that, you ain't even that good-looking.

Hilary:My horoscope was right. This is my lucky day.

Hilary:and they preempt your favorite programs. I remember during Desert Storm, trying to find Knots Landing...

Ashley · Hilary:Hilary, you can't even make change. Oh, yeah? Well, you can't even make... Oh, shut up.

Hilary:Don't try to talk. Let's all just share this moment.

Hilary:Will's father is a deadbeat who left him and his mom flat.

Hilary:Daddy, I had a little accident at the mall. I'm okay. But I totaled your MasterCard.

Hilary:He's like a genie on Valium. Make a wish, hurry.

Hilary · Vivian · Hilary:Out where? / To the trash cans. You know, those things you hit every time you back out the car. / Thank God, I thought it was the neighbor's kids.

Hilary · Will:This is gross. I don't touch greasy, disgusting things. / Well, just pretend it's buying you dinner afterwards.

Hilary:And for your information, dinner comes first.

Hilary:If I hadn't asked for a special proposal... Trevor would be in my arms... instead of in my purse.

Geoffrey · Hilary:Hilary... Trevor wasn't cremated. / Then who's this?

Hilary:You know, you look much richer in person.

Hilary · Uncle Phil:And all this time I thought our address was 805 Saint Cloud Road. / It is, Hilary.

Hilary:Yeah. I mean it's so... poor.

Carlton · Hilary · Hilary:How come we never had that much fun? / I don't know. / What's on TV?

Hilary:Right about now, I bet Geoffrey is turning back my covers and putting a little mint on my pillow.

Hilary · Aunt Vy:That's made from the part of the pig that's not good enough to go in sausage. / But it's good enough to go in Philip.

Hilary:I don't know, I'm supposed to be in England. Get some English muffins.

Hilary · Carlton:Am I antagonizing like Geraldo? Am I investigative like Donahue? Maybe you should go bald like Montel.

Hilary:[YELLING] I mean, Mother, you watch my show, am I too soft-spoken?

Hilary:Right, just like you launched Ashley's career?

Will · Hilary:Man, now who does a thing like that? I know, can you believe her?

Hilary:I'll get her. And her little car too.

Hilary · Will:Will's come a long way from Philly, but let's face it... he's still a common street hood from the wrong side of the tracks. So will you help me?

Hilary:Geoffrey, if I were a potato, where would I be?

Hilary:Wielding? I was not wielding, I was rubbing. I rubbed that damn potato all over Leeza's car... and it didn't make a scratch.

Hilary:At least they didn't catch me putting my keys in her exhaust pipe.

Hilary:Geoffrey, if I knew how to use the VCR, would I need this camera? No, I would not.

Hilary · Geoffrey:Ooh, that witch. So you see it too. All I see is a beautiful woman... perched atop two of the most finely sculpted legs I've ever seen.

Hilary:Oh, like those are real.

Hilary · Geoffrey:You know, this housework stuff's kind of fun. Heh. / There's another one.

Hilary · Ashley:Ooh, cute boy, 3 o'clock. Ha, ha. / Keep your eyes on the road.

Hilary:Oh, look, there's Bruce and Demi. Hi. / Yuck, what is she wearing?

Hilary · Ashley:Stop. / What? / Cartier's having a sale. Pick me up in an hour.

Hilary:Dear Neiman or Marcus, whichever of you gets this first. I'm being held hostage by my own government. Please send my fall/winter catalog care of Betty Mae Swilly, Deliverance, Alabama.

Hilary:Why? What have Carlton and Ashley ever done for me?

Phil · Hilary · Carlton:Oh, and people in Bel-Air don't have real concerns? - It's pronounced Porsche. - Porsche. - Porsche. - Porsche.

Hilary · Carlton:San Tropez. - San Tropez.

Hilary:Inga is wearing a hand-woven dashiki from Nairobi. Her jewelry is from the Ivory Coast... and her weave is from Whoopi Goldberg's House of Hair.

Hilary:Work it, you Nubian princess, you. Ha, ha.

Hilary:Thanks to my leopard skin midriff top, I hit an all-time high with male viewers.

Hilary · Will:I got more men yesterday than Sally Jesse Raphael gets in a year. - How hard could that be?

Hilary:I'm a beautiful woman trapped in an even more beautiful woman's body.

Geoffrey · Hilary:Sorry, I got caught up in the fantasy. About me? No, about that decent job.

Hilary:I don't have a date. Must you throw that in my face?

Hilary · Carlton:Oh, do me, do me. / Hilary, you're August 18th. / Wow, you are good.

Hilary:God, I'm lonely.

Hilary · Ken Griffey Jr.:Hi, quarterback. / How you doing? / I'm kind of chilly. Wanna take me to Hawaii? / Sorry, I'm married. / Then stop flirting with me.

Hilary:If I was with a wimp who couldn't defend himself, I'd just leave.

Hilary:My horoscope said that I will prosper in my house. So I figured I better go buy one.

Hilary:Nothing fancy. No more than six or seven bedrooms. And I don't even care if it has a wine cellar. For now.

Hilary:I have discovered a unique method of savings. I never spend my own money.

Hilary:Hilary's elaborate maid route explanation for cocktail sauce spill

Hilary:You're right. Who cares how far Hildegard has to walk?

Hilary:Excuse me, but I'm, like, starting to sweat.

Hilary:I mean, you don't see me skateboarding with Montel.

Hilary:What kind of idiot picks a password no one can guess?

Hilary:Oh, didn't I tell you?

Hilary:The other day when I went out to buy that sweater... I bought a house to match. Ha, ha.

Hilary:Do I know how to accessorize or what?

Hilary:Wow, he's even more upset about my leaving than I thought.

Hilary:Oh, Ashley, mi casa es your casa. You can come over any time you want.

Hilary:Why don't you come over on Mondays between 11:15 and 2:30?

Hilary:Well, if you can't find the time...

Hilary:Camp Gucciwanka? Oh, yeah, that's Apache for 'over-privileged.'

Hilary:Oh, goodbye, little lamp. No, I could use this.

Hilary · Philip:Hilary explains she's staying because her house is dark with no lights, then reveals the phone doesn't work when told to call electric company

Hilary:I'd probably check into the Four Seasons and get a massage

Hilary:Rich People's Digest

Hilary:Well, those white sheets can get so dingy. Don't you have any nice pastels?

Hilary:Well, what about television? He's not gonna just have basic cable, is he?

Hilary:And what is Prozac anyway? I mean, do you think I need this?

Hilary:I hate this generic stuff. I'm gonna get you an Evian

Hilary:Nurse Sigmund has on the exact same outfit.

Hilary:Oh, it's not their fault. They're setting up for your surprise party. Well, now that you dragged it out of me.

Hilary:There has got to be an easier way to call the nurse.

Hilary:I mean, come on, I'm still decorating my new house. When would I have time to buy you a gift?

Hilary:Being in a wheelchair is no excuse... for wearing the same shirt two days in a row.

Hilary:You would think hitting the concrete like that would've made more of an impact.

Hilary · Will:Poor, poor... Tip of the tongue, Will. Please help me out. Trevor.

Hilary:Tyler and I were saving it for our honeymoon. Trevor, Hilary. Right, Trevor, whatever.

Hilary:Your wit, ha-ha-ha... your charm... your wit. Ha, ha.

Hilary:Oh, what do you call that big loud thing that sucks up everything?

Hilary:The extra money could get you that Beemer.

Hilary:Duh. Ha, ha.

Hilary:You are so lazy.

Hilary:Like Carlton Co.

Hilary · Ashley:I'll wear leather. Why don't you just wear hot pants and a bustier with two big cones on it?

Hilary:Before Memorial Day?

Hilary:I look like a call girl. A very expensive call girl.

Hilary:Oh, that's ridiculous, it isn't that short.

Hilary:Well, this is a serious waste of a Wonderbra.

Hilary:Well, first I tell him that I love him. Then I hug him so tight his wallet falls out and I kick it under the couch. Ha.

Hilary:Not that they were in the same room or anything.

Hilary:Well, can't you cancel it? [LAUGHING] Good one, Daddy. Ha.

Hilary · Will:It's their end-of-the-season thong blowout. Everything in there is half off. You know what I'm saying?

Mr. Spiegel · Hilary:But this is a bass. Well, the cello's in the shop, this is a loaner.

Geoffrey · Hilary:What's so funny? Miss Hilary... remember when you caught me in the potting shed... with Sabrina, the tennis tutor? Oh, I certainly do. And Daddy was so mad when I told him. Yes, remember I said I'd get you back? Yeah. We're even.

Will · Hilary:Man, this will change my whole life. Yes, now you can drive the car without sitting on phone books.

Hilary:I'd knee you in the groin, then I'd blush and giggle.

Hilary:Oh, Lisa. This dress looks almost as beautiful on you as it would on me.

Hilary:Well, make it fast. If I start to frizz, you're a dead man.

Hilary:Help me cook? You must really be bored.

Hilary:I mean, it's bad enough that she gets hookers for married men... but blue eye shadow? Hello.

Hilary:Well, the only way you're gonna wear this one is if you wear that one over it.

Ashley · Hilary:I'm gonna go practice my swing. - I have better things to do.

Hilary:Geoffrey can't be bothered trying to teach a moron to cook. Right, Geoffrey?

Hilary:I never knew bananas were so flammable.

Hilary:Hilary rapid-fire hiring both of them for the same job

Maurice · Hilary:Then this Chinese guy comes in and says, 'Supplies. Surprises.' Oh, that is so funny. I don't get it, but you are so funny.

Maurice · Hilary:But keep the Smurf away from me. That's doable. You're fired. Will, you're hired.

Hilary:I think it's too good to be wasted on the hired help.

Hilary:And my nose is so clogged up I can't even smell my Obsession.

Hilary · Will:Mr. Dipple? / No, no. Not Dipple. Stimple. / That's what I said. Dipple.

Hilary:Well, Mr. Mitchell Conklin... I'm your friend.

Hilary:Don't ever touch me.

Hilary · Will:My brain is all clouded. My head's all fogged up. And I can't think straight. / And now you've got a cold on top of it.

Hilary · Will:Oh, Mr. Pimple? Bring him in. / No. It's Mr. Stimple. / Bring him in too. The more the merrier.

Hilary:I'm a little teapot

Hilary:Hilary go night-night.

Stimple · Hilary:Will? I thought you were Diante? / Diante?

Hilary:Thad? I thought you were dating Kyle. I am. He's the flu.

Will · Hilary:Hill, what you think? You did a pretty good show today, huh? Three words: Stink. Stank. Stunk.

Hilary:And if not, I'll just blame the whole thing on you. Oops. Did I say that out loud?

Hilary:Daddy, punish him. He needs tough love.

Hilary:I don't have any common sense.

Hilary:Yesterday, a dismissed juror in the Show-Biz Madam Trial...came on the show and said some really icky things about him.

Hilary:Daddy, you don't do that, do you?

Hilary:Uh-oh. Big-sister radar.

Hilary:It's important, isn't it? I can tell. I have, like, a third sense about these things.

Hilary:Oh! To put it simply, he was a god. He had been held back three years so he was really buff.

Hilary:But long-distance relationships don't usually work out. I mean, look at the Little Mermaid.

Hilary:I mean, she was stuck in the sea and he was stuck on land.

Ashley · Hilary:Any regrets? Didn't I tell you he was buff? Hello.

Hilary:Hoo! Now I know how Mom felt when we had this talk.

Ashley · Hilary:What did Daddy say when you told him? Are you kidding? He still thinks I'm a virgin.

Hilary:I eat around it, because cockroaches go straight to my thighs.

Hilary:Does it say what I'm wearing?

Hilary · Geoffrey:God knows that The Hilary Show could use some publicity. There is no limit to your giving, is there, Miss Hilary? Thank you, Geoffrey, that's so sweet.

Hilary:Oh, my God. Have you ever seen so many fashion don'ts in one room?

Hilary · Homeless person:Excuse me. Could you help me? The food's over there. But I'll save a seat for you.

Hilary:Beauty is such a curse.

Hilary:But really, how famous was Oprah before she was famous?

Hilary:Oh, no, thank you. I'm already fully accessorized.

Hilary:Well, I guess you don't have to be any kind of actress to be a talk-show host.

Hilary:Maybe I don't come to places like this and do this kind of work as often as I could... but that's who I am, damn it. It doesn't make me a bad person.

Hilary:So the plates go in the back?

Hilary:Right, Mr. 'Hey, Big Guy... can I have a copy of your will in case something happens to you?'

Hilary:Yeah, if your last name's Menendez.

Hilary:I exploit people every day of the week on my show. It's Thanksgiving, I'm gonna take the day off.

Hilary:For the first time in my life, I thought about others instead of myself. Ooh. I'm tingling all over.

Hilary:Of course, I stepped out of the way so they couldn't actually touch me... but I really connected.

Hilary:A-woman.

Hilary:Yeah, talk about being led around by your apron strings.

Hilary:Today is the happiest day of my life. Until tomorrow, when my show goes national... which will make that the new happiest day of my life. That'll make today...

Hilary:Click. Heh, heh. Look, I'm on.

Will · Hilary:A bunch of pregnant women. - Great, I'll look thin. Not that I don't, anyway.

Hilary:But beware, in that last trimester, stripes are not our friends.

Hilary:They like me. They really like me.

Will · Hilary:Whoa. What a coincidence, Hil, this is the happiest day of your life too. Your show just went national. - I know. Don't I look happy?

Hilary:Sure, I have an effervescent personality... and a smile that could blind you from across the room... but I just feel so blah.

Hilary:What have you got in a hunk?

Hilary:You wouldn't happen to have this month's, would you?

Hilary:Ugh! I don't think so.

Hilary:Ugh! I don't think so.

Will · Hilary:Oh, what'd you expect? Well, you know, after today, I kind of thought you... Oh. That was just a little setback. I'm a trouper.

Hilary:Well, I just hope my baby's a super-duper trouper too.

Hilary:So any mental illness in your family? Schizophrenia? Anorexia? You know, general weirdness?

Hilary:So back to you. Any heart disease? Gingivitis? Midgets?... Any relatives in the circus?

Hilary · Doctor:Any relatives in the circus? - Uh, not that I know of. I mean... I did have an uncle who was a clown. - Ew. Duly noted.

Hilary:Wait, wasn't I the one asking all the questions?

Hilary:Oh, you're right, fluorescent lights. I should put on more blush.

Hilary:Ew! I'm starting to sweat.

Hilary:It just has way too many buttons and the color is very '95

Hilary:Who needs brains when you got a body like that?

Hilary · Geoffrey:Geoffrey, what do you know about wine? - I know no one does it better than you, Miss Hilary.

Geoffrey · Hilary:Wear something low-cut. - Well, duh.

Vivian · Hilary:You realize that modeling is a field... in which they judge you solely on your looks? - God, you are so lucky. Ha-ha-ha!

Hilary:Oh, great. On top of it all, now I'm an orphan?

Carlton · Hilary:Hilary, you're 27. / I know. No one adopts anyone over 9.

Carlton · Hilary:Hil, that's not a movie, that's what happened. / Oh, well, someone should make a movie of it.

Hilary:Now, be gone.

Hilary:Planned? I don't know. I thought I'd just watch them run around.

Hilary:Geoffrey, can you give us a ride to nature?

Hilary:We were startled by a deer, swarmed by butterflies. And I have such a headache from that babbling brook.

Hilary:Last one in the sauna is gonna get clogged pores.

Hilary:I am. This is fascinating. - What's it about? - Me.

Hilary · Philip:Who is this poor little homely child next to me? Uh, sweetheart, that was you.

Hilary · Philip:You mean, you lied to me? You told me I was pretty when I wasn't? - Well... - Thank you. You really do love me.

Hilary:Oh, no. I haven't grown into my nose.

Hilary:Aww. Oh, look at the little lumpy bumpy bunny wunny.

Hilary:Oh, my God. I remember that stew. It was delicious.

Hilary · Geoffrey:Geoffrey, you gotta make that stew. Don't tempt me.

Hilary:It was all they had.

Hilary:I bet on every horse.

Hilary · Carlton:He'll blame Will like he always does. Oh, okay.

Hilary · Carlton · Will:He did it. He did it. What? Hey.

Hilary:Fine. Big baby.

Hilary · Regis:I'm drawing a blank here. / Don't fix it. / Fix what? / It.

Hilary:Big baby.

Regis · Hilary:It takes two people to banter. / Not when I do it.

Hilary:Regis loves me for finally bringing a little flavor to the show.

Hilary:Oh, great. Now where am I supposed to sit?

Will · Hilary:Okay. What do you mean 'okay?' ... Okay. What...?

Hilary · Ashley:Ashley, you've never been this happy for me. I still haven't been. This is about me.

Hilary:Okay.

Hilary:Warm? It doesn't get that cold in California.

Hilary:I know.

Hilary:Okay.

Hilary:Oh, Geoffrey, I'm gonna miss you. Oh, we have to have a special going-away dinner for you. What do you wanna make?

Ashley · Hilary:I don't think so. We agreed I could pick out the colors. / We agreed that you would have input. / That's right, and I'm inputting these colors into our apartment. / My apartment.

Hilary · Ashley:And I just changed my mind, you'll have no input whatsoever. / This is gonna be so much fun, us living together.

Phil · Hilary:Hilary, you're 27. / That doesn't leave this room.

Hilary:Oh, no, Dad. November's sweeps month. No can do.

Ashley · Carlton · Hilary:What if I meet somebody and they invite me to their house? / Well, what if I meet somebody? / Well, what if she meets somebody?

Hilary:I know what this is. I did an entire show on it. 'The change of life.' Are you experiencing mood swings? Trouble sleeping? Do your breasts ache?

Vivian · Hilary:I am not going through menopause. / Mood swing at 3 o'clock.

Hilary:Good one, Daddy.